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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 04 Jan 2013, 8:35 pm

A man walks into his local shop and says .......

"Do you have the new self-help magazine...
for men with a really small penis?".

The girl says ...."I don't think it's in yet".

He replies..... "Yeah..... that's the one".


........................................



The village church had a very attractive big-busted organist
and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled
while she played the organ.

Unfortunately... she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have
to get another organist.

So....one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about the
problem and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub
them on her nipples and over her breasts...which should cause them
to shrink in size.

But warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons... because
they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up... and you won't
be able to talk properly for awhile.

The voluptuous organist... reluctantly agreed to try it.


Sunday morning the minister stood up to the pulpit and said....


“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol...we will not hab a thermon tewday”.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 07 Jan 2013, 3:12 am

The frustrated wife b0ught a pair of crotch-less pants
in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She put them on... together with a short skirt and sat
on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrossed her legs.

Eventually her husband had to ask....

"Are you wearing crotch-less panties?".

"Y-e-s" ...she purred with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that"...he said.....

I thought you were sitting on the cat!".


Yooooo
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 04 Feb 2013, 5:49 pm



A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to
the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me
condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place
for dinner and I think I might get lucky!"
The pharmacist gives him a Condom and as the
young man is going out; he returns and says,
"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's
sister is very cute too". She always crosses
her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me
and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as
the boy is leaving he turns back and says,
"Go on, give me one more condom because my
girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute and when
she sees me she always flirts with me, and since she invited me
for dinner, I think she is expecting me to
make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his
girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and
the mum facing him . When the dad gets there, the boy
lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you
give us."
A minute later the boys is still praying; "and thank you
Lord for your Kindness. " Ten minutes go by and the boy
is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his
girlfriend is even more surprised
than the others. She gets close to the boy
and says in his ear, ”I didn't know you are so religious."
The boy replies,
.
.
.
"I didn't know your DAD was a
PHARMACIST!!



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"if its got tits or wheels it'l cost you money"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 04 Feb 2013, 10:50 pm

lol! ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 04 Feb 2013, 11:17 pm

Three dogs... sitting in the waiting room at the vet....
They struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to A yellow Labrador and
asked.... " So why are you here ?".

The yellow Lab answered.... " I'm a pisser.... I piss on
everything...the sofa... the curtains.. the cat.. the kids.

The final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle
of my owner's bed" .

The black Lab asked... " So what?s the vet going to do ?".

"He's Gonna cut my nuts off ".... came the reply from the
yellow Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down" .

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked...

" why are you here?".

The Black Lab said... " I'm a digger.... I dig under fences...
dig up flowers and trees... I dig just for the hell of it.

When I'm inside the house I dig up the carpets.

I went over the top last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owners' couch" .

" So what are they going to do to you?"... asked the Yellow Lab.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too"... the dejected Black Lab growled.

The Black Lab then turned to A Great Dane and asked...
" Why are you here?".

" I'm a humper"... said the Great Dane.

"I'll hump anything..... I'll hump the table.. fence posts... whatever....
I want to hump everything I see" .

Yesterday my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes.... I just couldn't help myself.... I hopped on her back
and just started hammering away".

The Black and Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said...

" So... it'll be nuts off for you too... huh?" .

The Great Dane grinning said....

"No... apparently....I'm here to get my nails clipped!".



Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 07 Feb 2013, 3:08 pm

A dispatch rider was crossing Salisbury Plain on his motercycle
one afternoon...when a sudden storm blew up.

He found that he was being gradually soaked by the rain and
frozen to death by the wind.

So he stopped his bike...took off his leather jacket and put it on
again backwards...to form some protection against the winds.

The storm grew worse...and on a particularly bad bend...
his machine skidded and crashed into a tree...knocking him
unconscious.

At the Inquest...the Truck driver who found him said.....

"I can't understand it at all...Sir....He was okay until I
turned his head the right way round".







Last edited by skinman {kan} on Fri 15 Feb 2013, 2:00 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 14 Feb 2013, 10:42 am

A man was walking down a street in BRAZIL when he heard a woman screaming
and noticed a smell of burning.

He ran round the corner to find a huge crowd of people watching a building burn....
wringing their hands in despair.

On the eighth floor...a woman was leaning out of a window screaming for someone
to save her baby.

The man shouted up...."Throw down your baby...I'll catch her".

The woman yelled..."No...you'll drop her...and she'll die!".

"NO...I WON'T!...shouted back the man.

"I'm the goalkeeper for the Brazilian National Team.

I've played every international for ten years...I've never missed a match..and I've
never let in even one goal..I'm not going to drop your baby".

The woman was incredulous.

"You've never let in even one goal?".

"NO...NEVER"...he calls back.

"I am the greatest goalkeeper the world has ever seen...throw down your baby".

And with that...he went into a crouch...legs bent....arms open.

The woman looked at the flames licking up the building...realizing she had no chance..
she shouted..."OKAY...here she comes".

And with a shriek threw her baby down.

Unfortunately...as she did so..she knocked her elbow against the window...
jerking it...and the baby went flying...tumbling wildly off course.

The crowd gasped...the woman screamed...but the man never took his eye off the
baby.

he stayed dead still as the child fell...watching it tumble and spin...until it was just
feet from the pavement.

Suddenly...like a Panther...he leapt across the street...a jump of twenty five feet....
snatched the child from the air...rolled and came up with the baby clutched to his chest.

He looked around at the crowd...acknowledged their admiration...and lifted an arm to the
woman in a salute.

Then he tuned and...in one swift motion...drop kicked the baby through a plate-glass
window into a hardware shop.






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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 14 Feb 2013, 8:36 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 15 Feb 2013, 2:31 pm

A stinking rich bloke wanted to give his sons presents...so
he called them to him and asked them what they wanted.

The eldest son asked for a Train Set..so his father purchased
London Underground for him.

The second asked for a CD player..so his father bought him
Virgin Radio.

The third son wanted a Cowboy outfit....

So his father gave him Everton.



Yooooo


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 17 Feb 2013, 4:25 pm

Paddy had broken his leg... and his best pal Mick came over to see him.

Mick said... "How you doing Patrick?".

"Paddy said... "Okay... but could you be doing me a favor Michael... mate...

run upstairs and get me slippers.... me feet are freezing".

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year old twin daughters
lying on their bed.

He says....

"Your Faither sent me up here to have sex with da both of you".

They shout back in unison....

"Get away with ya.... prove it".

So...Mick shouts downstairs.... "PATRICK!.... both of em?".



"Of course both of them!".... shouts Patrick .

What's the point of feckin one?".



Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 18 Feb 2013, 4:26 pm

CAREFUL WHEN SHOPPING AT THE SUPERMARKET.

Be Careful out there .

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam
while out shopping.

Simply dropping in for a bit of shopping turned out to
be quite an experience.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works ...Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year
old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the car boot.

They both begin cleaning your windscreen...their breasts almost falling out of their
skimpy T. shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip... they'll say NO'... and instead ask you
for a lift into the town.

If you agree... they both get in and on the way...they start undressing....until both
are completely naked.

Then... when you pull over to remonstrate... one of them climbs over into the front
seat and starts crawling all over your lap... kissing you...touching you.... and thrusting
herself against you.... while the other one steals your wallet! .

I had my wallet stolen on November 4th... 10th.... On December 1st....8th..... and twice
yesterday.

So please warn all the older men.

The best times to look out for this particular scam seems to be just before 10am...

or about 4:30 in the afternoon.



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 19 Feb 2013, 3:28 pm

The pastor boomed.....

"Would anyone in the congregation like to give praise for answered
prayers?".

Susan stood and walked up to the podium.

"I would like to give praise.

Two months ago... my husband had a terrible motorcycle accident
and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain he suffered was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if
they could help".


You could hear a muffled gasp from the congregation as they imagined
the pain that poor Sandy must have experienced.

"Sandy was unable to hold the children or I".... she went on.

"Every movement caused agony.


We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.

It turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants
of Sandy's scrotum... by wrapping wire around it to hold it in place".

Again.... the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as
they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Sandy.

"Now"... she announced in a quivering voice....

"thank the Lord.. Sandy is out of hospital and the doctors say that
with time... his scrotum should heal completely".


All the congregation sighed with unified relief.


The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something
to say.



A man stood and walked slowly up to the podium.

He said....

"Hi....I'm Sandy"..... The entire congregation held its breath.

"I would just like to tell the congregation that .....

the word is sternum".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 21 Feb 2013, 2:14 pm

Tolerance .

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built
in London on the Thames.

I think it should be the goal of every Englishman to be tolerant.

Thus the Mosque should be allowed... in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque....
thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs... which would be gay... "The Turban Cowboy".

The other a topless bar called.... "You Mecca Me Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork... and adjacent to that an
open pit barbeque pork restaurant called..... "Iraq o' Ribs".

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called... "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret"
with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop....
"Koranal Knowledge "... its name in flashing neon lights... and on the other side a liquor
store called "Morehammered".

This would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us so the
mosque problem would be solved.

If you agree with promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan please send without
delay fifty pounds to my off-shore bank account..details to follow.



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 22 Feb 2013, 3:52 pm

Romanian Crisis.



The Government just released a statement regarding the much reported concerns
over immigration of millions of people in the coming months from Romania and
Bulgaria.




They tell us however that the crisis is now over as it turns out we've eaten
all their means of transport.




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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 04 Mar 2013, 1:21 pm

My pal doesn't know why he was sacked from his job
with The Samaritans.

they said they wouldn't discuss it with him.


All he knows is some guy phoned and said...

"I'm Abdul Mohammed... and I'm going to kill myself.

I'm lying on the railway track now ....waiting for a train
to come".



All he said was...

"look...just remain calm.... and stay on the line".


geek


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 Mar 2013, 12:43 am

The lord of the Manor returned home early from his
grouse shoot... to find his wife having sex in bed
with his best friend...the local MP.

"How could you..Miranda?!"...he cried.

"After everything I've done for you.

I've given you this beautiful house.

I've always provided you with the most expensive
clothes and jewels.

I bought you a Ferrari for your birthday.

I've tried to be a kind husband...and this is how
you repay me!".

On hearing this ...his wife burst into tears.

The Lord of the manor then turned to his friend
the MP.

"And as for you...Reginald...you might at least
have the decency to stop while I'm talking!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 Mar 2013, 7:08 am

Sandy and his wife Mary have been trying anal sex recently.

Mary says...somewhat red cheeked to her doctor....

"I mean...is it OK?".

"Do you enjoy it?"....the doctor asks.

"As a matter of fact...we do"...she replies.

"Does it hurt you?".

"No It's fine"...she replies.

"Well I don't see why you shouldn't carry on...as long
as you're careful not to get pregnant".

"Pregnant!?"....Mary says astonished.

"I can get pregnant this way?".

"Well of course"...says the doctor.

"Where do you think lawyers come from?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 Mar 2013, 8:11 am

lol! lol! lol! love reading your jokes they are just too funny cheers
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 14 Mar 2013, 12:29 pm

A plane crashes and five men are stranded on a desert island.

They were all in their early twenties and very horny.

After a month of survival...Sandy got up and said....

"I can't take it any more...I'm so horny...I'm going to have sex
with that female gorilla we saw at the other end of the island.

He grabs himself a bag and runs off.

The other four guys follow him and help to quickly catch the
gorilla.

They each grab a limb while......Sandy pops a bag over the gorilla's
head....jumps on top of the animal and starts to have sex with it.

The gorilla is pretty strong and doesn't put up with any nonesense...
so pretty soon it gets an arm clear...then another.

It puts both of them around Sandy's waist and holds on real tight.

Then it gets first one...then the other leg free and wraps both of them
around Sandy bottom.

The gorilla seems to be really enjoying himself when Sandy suddenly
shouts....."Get it off!....Get it off!".

One of his mates says..."You must be joking...you're on top and she's
wrapped around you too tightly".

Sandy replies..."Not the gorilla....I mean the bag...I want to kiss her!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 15 Mar 2013, 2:09 pm

A FOOTBALL COACH....walked into the changing room before
the big game...looked over to his star player and said.....

"I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed Maths....

But we really need you in there.

So...what I'm going to do is ask you a maths question...and
if you get it right...you can play".

The player agreed...so the coach looked into his eyes intently
and asked..."Okay...now concentrate hard and tell me the
answer to this...what is two plus two?".

The player thought for a moment and then answered.."FOUR?".

"DID YOU SAY FOUR?"...the coach yelled..excited that he had
been given the correct answer.

Suddenly...all the other players on the team began screaming....

"Come on coach...give him another chance!".


.................................................


Some flies were playing football in a saucer...using a lump
of sugar as a ball.

One of them said.."Come on lads...we'll have to do better
than this..we're playing in the cup tomorrow!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 18 Mar 2013, 3:47 pm

A meek little country man came to town and visited the local
health office...he explained the problem.

"We all live in one room out in Newtownmoneenluggagh.
Meself and six brothers.
One of 'em keeps three greyhounds in with him and tadgh
has his mountain goat with the weak chest that can't go out in
the field.
Colman keeps his wolfhound in the room so that we have to let
Padraig have his five budgies.....Of course Francis only has his
Goldfish...so they don't matter.

But the air is terrible and the smell is shocking".

The health officer was sympathetic but saw no difficulty.

"Surely it would be easy to open a window and let in some fresh
air?".

"OPEN THE WINDOW...HE SAYS!...SURE WHAT ABOUT ME FIFTEEN
PIGEONS?".


......................................................

Paudge...liam and Francis were shifting furniture but..... when
Paudge struggled with a huge oak wardrobe he noticed that Liam
was missing.

"Francis...where's Liam?...he should be helping us with this".

"And sure so he is"...protested Francis..."He's inside holding the
clothes hangers in place".


.......................................................


The short sighted Trinity professor was thrilled when his first shot
brought down something in the distance.

"WHAT!"...he cried..."Is the name of the species I have successfully
shot?".

"WELL"...said his beater..."Between curses he says his name is Murphy".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 19 Mar 2013, 10:31 am

A Belfast newspaper once reported the launching of an aircraft carrier
and recorded....

"The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the
applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea!".


-----------------------

Mrs O'Grady was weary with the demands of her small son.

When he came for his fifth apple...it was too much.

"LOOK...SEAN...YOU CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER!.

The way you go on...you'd think they grow on trees!".


------------------------

The first week they were married Mick gave his wife all his
money and kept only one pound for himself.

On the next payday she said to him..."Mick...It must have
been hard to manage on one pound...I don't know how
you did it".

"You will"...he said grimly.

"It's your turn for the pound this week!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 21 Mar 2013, 11:48 am

An ex-US Marine Virginian hillbilly came to town carrying
a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

He stopped a man on the street and said....

"Here!...friend...take a drink outta my jug".

The man protested saying he never drank...but the hillbilly
levelled the shotgun at him and commanded...."DRINK!".

The man took a drink...shuddered....shook...and coughed.

"My God!"...he said..."That's awful stuff you've got there!".


"Ain't it though!"...replied the hillbilly.


"Now...you hold the gun on me while I take a swig".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 22 Mar 2013, 8:55 pm

A man is strolling down the street when he comes across an old lamp.
He picks it up...gives it a good rub and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish..to which he replies...
"I've always wanted to be lucky"...the genie grants his wish.

So the man strolls on...wondering if the wish has worked...when
he sees a £10 note in the gutter..."F@ck me"...he says to himself...
not a bad start!".

Just then he notices a betting shop across the road...he strolls over
looks through the racing newspapers and sees a horse called Lucky
Lad at 100/1 in the third race at Chester.

he puts £10 on the horse for a straight win...unbelievably...his horse
romps home in first place.

Feeling that he's definitely on a bit of a roll...he heads straight for the
local casino...goes to the nearest roulette table and puts his entire
winnings on "Lucky' seven.

Round and round the wheel spins...and the ball lands on seven.

He's now more than £35'000 up!...what better way to celebrate than
to head for the local brothel?...he knocks and enters.

All of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of
champagne.

The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says...
"Welcome sir!...we have much pleasure to inform you that you are our
lucky thousandth customer and you have won the right to take any room
and any girl who works here...on the house...absolutely free of charge".

Our hero says that he has always fancied bedding an Indian girl...so he
is ushered into one of the rooms.
A couple of minutes later...the most gorgeous Indian girl he has ever seen
walks into the room...a real Bollywood stunner...for the next hour or so
they put the Karma Sutra through it's paces.

The guy pauses and says to the girl..."You are the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen in my life...I can't believe how lucky I am.
But there is one thing I don't really get about Indian women...that stupid
red spot that you all have on your forehead".

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and replies..."Sir...I am here to please
you and fulfil your every desire.
if my caste mark offends you then you have my permission to scratch it off".

So he starts scratching at the girl's caste mark with his fingernail.
Suddenly he stops and begins laughing hysterically.

"What's wrong sir?"...the Indian girl asks...really worried.

"You're not going to believe this sweetheart"...he replies..."but I've just won
a car!".


Laughing























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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 23 Mar 2013, 12:38 pm

Dr Watson is sitting quietly reading his newspaper when suddenly
he is hit on the head from behind and rendered unconscious.

When he wakes up...he is stripped naked and bent over a chair.

Sherlock Holmes is squeezing a Lemon and the juice is running all
over Watsons buttocks.

"GOOD GRIEF...HOLMES!...What are you doing?"...cries Dr Watson.


Holmes replies...."A Lemon entry...my dear Watson...A Lemon entry".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 24 Mar 2013, 1:04 pm

I received an E-Mail from an old flame recently.

It had been years since we'd last spoken and it really was great to catch up.
We were getting on well and she suggested that we meet up for old times'
sake.
I was up for it and so we arranged to meet up the following week.

I can't tell you how nervous and excited I was as my date grew nearer.

Now... to be honest...I've let myself go a bit over the years and so I thought
I'd better come clean.

So I phoned her and said..."It's only fair to warn you that I'm probably not
quite how you remember me. I've lost most of my hair and have been indulging
a little too much in the good life".

She started to laugh and said to me..."Oh'...don't worry! I've
put on a few pounds myself!".


Naturally I told her to feck off.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 25 Mar 2013, 3:28 pm

The bank of Cyprus might be the main topic for Russian savers but other more worrying news
From the Japanese financial markets are that following last week's disclosure that Origami
bank had folded....worse news is that Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans
major cuts to it's main branches. meanwhile...shares in the kamikaze bank were suspended
after they nose dived.

Five hundred staff at Karate Bank got the chop and karaoke Bank is up for sale and going
for a song.

Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Naresushi Bank...where it is
feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Some good news though...Samurai Bank is soldiering on after some sharp cuts.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 25 Mar 2013, 3:38 pm

A man was sulking because Tiddles the family Persian Blue
had eaten the cold ham meat that he was intending to have
for his supper.

"What's the matter?"...asked his wife.

"Cat got your tongue?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 25 Mar 2013, 3:44 pm

Police are on the lookout for a cross-eyed burglar.

They have warned members of the public....

"If you see him peering in your front window...please
warn the people next door".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 26 Mar 2013, 2:27 pm

A young couple were enjoying a romantic walk down lovers lane.

As they walked hand in hand...he grew increasingly amorous....
but just as he was about to make a move on her...she announced

"Sorry...But I need to pee".

Slightly taken aback by her vulgarity...he suggested..."Why don't
you go behind that hedge?".

So....she disappeared behind the hedge.

As he waited he could hear the gentle rustling sound of lace knickers
rolling down her smooth thighs and imagined what was being exposed
in the warm summer breeze.

Unable to contain his lust any longer...he reached a hand through the
hedge and touched her leg.

He quickly moved his hand up her thigh until...to his astonishment...
he found himself gripping a long...thick appendage hanging between
her legs.

"My God Mary!"...he shouted..."Have you changed sex?".

"NO!".....she shouted back....."I've changed my mind. I'm having a sh*t".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 27 Mar 2013, 9:37 pm

A lad from a very poor family wins five million on the lotto.

He goes home and hands his dad Five hundred pounds.

His dad looks at the cash and says..."Thanks son. this money
will mean a lot to me. We've never had much in this family...
We've always been poor. In fact...we were so poor I couldn't
even afford to marry your mother".


"WHAT!"...exclaims the son. "You mean I'm a b@st@rd?".


"yes son"...replies his dad..."And a feckin' tight fisted one at that!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 30 Mar 2013, 1:34 pm

Three midgets meet in front of the world headquarters of the Guinness Book of
Records.

The first midget says..."I'm going to get into the Guinness Book of Records
for having the world's smallest hands".

He comes out a few minutes later and says..."I did it. I'm now in the Guinness Book
of Records for having the world's smallest hands".

The second midget says..."I'm going to get into the Guinness Book of Records
for having the world's smallest feet".

He comes out a few minutes later and says....""I did it. I'm now in the Guinness Book
of Records for having the world's smallest feet".

The third midget says...."I'm going to get into the Guinness Book of Records
for having the worlds smallest Penis".

He comes out a few minutes later...and he's in tears.

The first midget says..."What happened?".

The third midget replies..."I never got into the Guinness Book of Records because
I have the SECOND-smallest penis....Who the feck is DONALD TRUMP?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 31 Mar 2013, 4:19 pm

At Sunday mass Father Duffy noticed that Michael slipped a ten pound note
and two one pound notes out of the collection plate...instead of putting
something in. He thinks to himself...."I'd better keep me eye on Michael".


The next week he spots Michael doing the same thing. So he waits
outside the chapel after mass and...as Michael comes out he accosts
him and says..."Michael me lad...tell me...why did you take out a ten
pound note and two one pound notes...two weeks in a row...instead
of putting money in the collection plate?".

"Father"...replies Michael..."I'm embarrassed...but I did it because I
needed a blow job".

Father Duffy is surprised but maintains his composure.

"Listen...my son. You have sinned against God and the church and that
is very serious. I'll be keeping a close eye on you from now on".

When he goes back to the rectory...Father Duffy calls Mother Agatha at
the convent. He says..."Mother...you've been such a good friend to me
and I know that I can confide in you. I have a question. What is a
blowjob?".

Mother Agatha replies...."Oh....about twelve pounds".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 03 Apr 2013, 1:23 pm

After being granted a divorce on the grounds of her husband's infidelity...a woman was forced to move out
of the house she had lovingly looked after for twenty two years.

She spent two whole days packing her belongings into boxes...crates and suitcases...and then on the third
day the removal men came to collect her things.

That evening...she sat alone in the house for the last time...preparing herself a final farewell meal of prawns
and caviar...which she ate by candlelight at their beautiful dining room table.

She was sad but bitter too...and at the end of her meal she went into every room and placed a few half eaten
prawn shells dipped in caviar into the hollows of the curtain rods. She then tidied up the kitchen and left.

When the husband moved back in with his new girlfriend...All was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the
house began to acquire a strange smell.

They tried everything to get rid of it...cleaning...mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead
rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Pest exterminators were called
in to set off gas canisters...which made such a mess the couple had to move out for a few days. But still nothing
worked.

After a while...friends stopped coming to visit....repairmen refused to work in the house and the maid quit...fearing
for her health. Eventually they could bear the stench no longer and decided to put the house up for sale.
But prospective buyers were immediately put off by the smell and...despite the price being greatly reduced...several
months later they had still not managed to sell it. Things were so bad that they had to borrow a vast sum of money
from the bank in order to purchase a new home.

Word of their misfortune reached the ears of his ex-wife who called to ask him how he was doing. When he relayed the
saga of the rotting house...she listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly. She suggested that she
would even be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting her beloved house back.

The husband almost bit her hand off and the paperwork for the transaction went through quickly.

He and his girlfriend congratulated themselves on finally finding a mug happy to take the horrible... stinking house off
their hands and they smiled smugly as they watched the removal company pack up everything to take to their new home.


And just to spite his ex-wife...they even took the curtain rods!.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 05 Apr 2013, 6:06 pm

A man went to the doctor and said...


"Doc...I bought some steroids...and they've had
nasty side effects. I've grown an extra penis".

"ANABOLIC?".

"NO....Just a penis".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 06 Apr 2013, 8:16 am

Two Siamese twins are at home practicing the trombone...bah-bah-bah
bah-bah...bah-bah-bah-bah-bah...and one's looking through the papers
and starts yelling..."Oh my God..Oh my God...Julio Iglesias is performing
in town...Julio Iglesias is coming to town...we'll get to see Julio Iglesias
live".

They get tickets and front row seats for his show... they've got their
trombone with them.


The show is over...they had the most amazing time. They go backstage
and shout..."We really want to meet Julio Iglesias...We really want to meet
Julio Iglesias.

So they're waiting...and he finally comes out...they're standing there in
their sexy outfits ...playing the trombone...bah-bah-bah-bah-bah....
bah-bah-bah-bah-bah...so he says "Hi Girls...why don't you come on in".

They go in and they are on cloud nine. they can't believe it. It's the most
amazing day. they end up in bed with him. One of them is sucking him
while the other one's playing bah-bah-bah-bah-bah. Then the other twin
plays bah- bah-bah-bah-bah...while Julio is having sex with her sister.

This goes on for hours. Finally they finish...then go home.


Two years later...they're home practicing the trombone. One of them is
leafing through the paper...she starts screaming..."Julio Iglesias is coming
back to town...Julio Iglesias is coming back to town. We'll have to go and
see him...we'll have to go and meet him again".

The other one says..."Do you think he'll remember us?".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 09 Apr 2013, 11:51 pm

The only payphone in sight was in use...so
the woman stood off to the side politely...
to wait until it was free.

Minutes went by however....and she couldn't
help noticing that the man in the phone booth
was just standing there silently...not saying a
word. Finally she tapped him on the shoulder
and asked him if she could use the phone.

"Hold your horses"...responded the fellow...
covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 13 Apr 2013, 10:48 am

The Pope decided to visit America and was gratified to see a huge
crowd waiting for him at JFK Airport. But it was disconcerting to
hear them chanting..."ELVIS!...ELVIS!...ELVIS!"...as he stepped
down from the plane. "Oh...my children...thank you"...he said...
bowing his head modestly..."But I am not ELVIS".

No one seemed to hear him...and he was ushered into a white
stretch limo with "ELVIS" written in diamonds on the doors.

"Bless you"...he said to the sequined chauffeur..."But I am not
ELVIS".

When the limo pulled up to the Waldorf...the pope had to make his
way through a huge crowd crammed behind police barricades. The
crowd was chanting...."ELVIS!...ELVIS!...ELVIS!".

Shaking his head...the pope followed his luggage to the most
sumptuous suite in the hotel. As he was unpacking...the door
behind him opened and in walked three lovely women clad in
the scantiest of negligees.

The pope looked them over for a moment or two...cleared his
throat...and began to sing..."Well...it's one for the money...
two for the show...."



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 24 Apr 2013, 11:50 am

Do you know that sport in the Olympics where you track through
deep snow...stop to shoot your gun..and then continue on?.

Most of the world calls it the Biathlon.

In America though...they refer to it as winter.....



Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?.

It's to stop anyone who accidentally comes to their senses
from going home.



A Scot and a Yank were talking about golf.

"In most parts of the United states we can't play in winter.
We have to wait until spring"...said the American.

"Och... ya big softie"....replied the Scot..."Surely ye can play
if you put a will to it?...We dinnae let the snow and cold bother
us".

the Yank looked doubtful.

"Well...what do you do...Paint your balls black?"...he asked.


"NO"....replied the surprised Scot.

"We'll just put on a thick pair of thermal troosers".



In Africa...some of the tribes have a peculiar custom of beating
the ground with clubs and uttering unearthly cries.

Anthropologists have described this as a form of demonic exorcism.

In America...they call it golf.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 26 Apr 2013, 6:38 pm

Two drunk black dudes decide to take a leak off
a bridge they are standing on.

They pull their dicks out and get ready to pee
when one says...."Man...this water is real cold".

The other replies..."Yeah...and it's deep..too".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 26 Apr 2013, 7:08 pm

A little girl goes with her father to get her first hair cut.

At the hairdressers...he sits her in the chair and the
owner puts a smock on her...all the while the daughter
is eating a doughnut.

The hairdresser starts cutting her hair...when suddenly
the little girl drops her doughnut.

The owner picks it up and gives it back to her...but she
starts crying hysterically.

The hairdresser asks...."what's the matter sweetheart
have you got hair on your doughnut?".

She replies...


"Are you out of your mind?...I'm only six!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 29 Apr 2013, 9:10 am

This bloke comes home drunk out of his mind

The house is pitch black......he staggers up the
stairs...crawls into the bedroom...finds his wife
asleep...he makes wild passionate love to her
in the dark in a drunken stupor.

he gets up...walks into the bathroom...and sees
his wife sitting on the toilet seat.

She whispers..."Shhh....don't make any noise

Mother slept over".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 24 May 2013, 4:48 am

The test is a very important one.

By giving an honest answer... you may discover where you stand morally.

It features an unlikely... completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make an important decision.

Remember your answer needs to be honest... yet spontaneous.


You are in Washington.... outside the White house to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photographic journalist working for a major newspaper.... and
you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is hopeless. There are people swirling around you.. some
disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life...
trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar.

You suddenly realize who it is....It's president Obama.

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.

You have two options...you can save the life of president Obama... or you can
shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo... documenting the death of one of
the world's most powerful men.

So here's the quandary....

Would you select high contrast color film..... or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?.



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 27 May 2013, 8:18 pm

Seeing all the guys in the London Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars...
and getting tired of working hard and not getting anywhere.....
Artie decides that he wants to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the heavies and says..... " I want to join the Mafia".

The heavy answers..... " You ever kill anyone for money?".

"No"...says Artie.

" Well.....you either got to be born into the mafia... or you got to kill somebody for
money".

Artie asks..... " How much will you pay me?".

The heavy says..... " I'm not going to pay you."

" Come on... just pay me a pound so I can get in".

" Okay...... tell you what..... You kill somebody..... tell me about it.... and if I see
it in the morning paper..... I'll pay you".

" Oh thank you..... thank you!" ....says Artie and heads off on his mission.

He goes to his local Asda store.... sees an old lady pushing a trolley and decides that
she's lived a full life.... goes up behind her.... grabs her round the neck and chokes
her to death.

The Security man sees him... and chases after him.

Realizing that he can't out run the security man.... Artie turns round.... grabs him by
the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read.....



" ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT ASDA!"






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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 20 Jun 2013, 3:04 pm

Clem and Maisy Sue get hitched.... then head to the community shack down by the creek

 in the holler for the marriage consummating.



Around about midnight Clem comes shuffling back  from the holler.... walks into Ma and

Pa's abode.



"What you doin' back so soon... boy?".... his Pa asks.



"Well... Pa... it's this way"... Me and Maisy Sue ..... we cain't stay married.".



"And why's thet...Clem?".



"Well... Pa... yeh see... Maisy Sue... she's a virgin!".



Clems father says.... "You did good... boy..... If she ain't good enuff fer her own kind.....

 she ain't good enuff fer you".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 18 Aug 2013, 5:35 am

Everyone takes the piss out of the scots on sheep shagging...

but I think were rather privileged.

How many types of girlfriends can you think of where you can....

A.  Hump on a Friday.

B.  eat on a Saturday.

C. And wear on a Sunday.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 25 Aug 2013, 4:22 pm

Vladimir...whilst strolling down a street in Moscow... kicks leisurely at a bottle.

Suddenly out of the bottle jumps a genie.

The Russian is stunned as the Genie says... "Hello Master... I will grant you one wish... anything
that you want".

Vladimir begins thinking..... "Well.... I really like drinking vodka"...so I wish to drink vodka whenever
I want... so make me piss vodka".

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Russian arrives home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it..... looks at
the glass...sees that it's clear.... Looks like vodka.... he then smells the liquid.... Smells like vodka.

So he takes a sip and it's the best vodka that he has ever tasted.

Vladimir calls to his wife.... "Natasha.... Natasha.... come quickly".

She comes running down the hall and Vladimir takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses
into it.

He tells her to drink... that it is vodka.

Natasha is reluctant... but... goes ahead and takes a sip.

It is truly the best vodka that she has ever tasted.

The two drink and party all night.

The next night... Vladimir comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the
cupboard.

He proceeds to pee into the two glasses.... The result is the same... the vodka is excellent and
the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally... Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife... "Grab one glass from the cupboard  
and we will drink vodka".

As she gets the glass...she asks him... "Vladimir... why do we only need one glass?".

Vladimir raises the glass and says... "Because tonight my love.... you drink from the bottle".


affraid


Last edited by skinman {kan} on Tue 27 Aug 2013, 7:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 27 Aug 2013, 7:15 pm

With a screech of brakes....

the ambulance pulls up at the local hospital.

outside the casualty ward... a hippie is wheeled
in on a trolley.

The resident physician questions his long-haired colleagues.


"So what was he doing then?"... asks the physician....

"Acid?..... Cannabis?".

"Sort of"... replies one of the hippies... nervously thumbing
his caftan...."But we ran out of gear... so I skinned up a
home made spliff".

"And what was in that?"..... asks the doctor.

"Well...Um... I kinda  raided my girlfriend’s spice rack"....says
the hippie.

"There was a bit of cumin...some turmeric...and a little paprika".

"Well... that explains it"....replied the doctor .. looking down at
the patient gravely.


"He's in a Korma".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 29 Aug 2013, 9:37 am

Several blokes were out fishing.

One of them was just about to make a cast when a stunningly
beautiful young woman ran past him...stark naked...laughing.

Well...that put him off his cast a bit...but he let the matter slip.

As he was about to try to cast again...two men in white coats
pounded past...neck and neck...grinning.

They were less of a distraction and after a few moments he was
ready to cast again.

That's when a third bloke ran past...panting desperately....carrying
a heavy bucket of sand in each hand.

Unable to bear it any longer...the fisherman called out to the guy
across from him..."Sorry mate...but do you have any idea what is
going on here?".

The bloke nodded....saying....

"There's a nut house just through those woods.....once a week....
regular as clockwork...that woman escapes...rips off all her clothes
and runs around this loch.

Those three men in white coats are care nurses...they have a race
to see which one of them catches her first.

The winner intercepts her...and carries her back to the mental home.

Occasionally...she insists on having wild sex with her captor before
she'll go back".

"What about the buckets of sand?"...asked the fisherman.

"Well...replied the informant....

"That's the one who caught her last week...the buckets of sand are
his handicap".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 02 Sep 2013, 12:19 pm

Shamus.... looking across at Patrick and Michael..shouted...

"Da wife is sleeping wit' another man".


Patrick shouted back... "has he got ginger pubes?".


Michael yelled.....I most certainly do not".

.......................................

Father McGee walked into church and spotted a man sitting
cross-legged on the altar.

"My son"... said the holy man... "what are you doing?...and
who are you?".

"I'm God".... said the stranger.

"Pardon?".

"I said...I'm God.... This is my house!".


Father McGee ran into the presbytery and... in total panic....
rang the archbishop.

"Your reverence"... said he... 'I hate to trouble you... but there's
a man sat on me altar who claims he's God..... What'll I do?".

"Take no chances".... said the archbishop.

"Get back in that church and look busy!".

..................................

A Belfast man.... ashamed of his accent....decided to go to elocution lessons in London.

Three years later... he was speaking perfect Oxford English.... and so... decided to return
home and celebrate with a drink.

Catching the Shuttle to Belfast...he got a taxi into the city... and walked into the first
establishment he came to.

"I say... old bean.... perhaps you could furnish me with a large gin and tonic.... and one of
your finest Havana cigars...there's a good chap...and have one yourself".

"You're not from around these parts are you?"... asked the proprietor.

"Good grief...my good man".... said the stunned Belfast man.

"However did you deduce that?'......"Is it my bearing...perhaps?...or my attire which gave
me away?".


'Well...not exactly"..... said the proprietor....


"You see....this is the plumbers".


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