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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 05 Sep 2013, 2:11 pm

The Iranian Ambassador to the United nations met Barack Obama
on a recent visit to new York.

At the end of his stay...the ambassador turned to Obama and said..

"I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

My son watches this show called Star Trek...and in it there is Chekov
who is Russian...Scottie...who is Scottish...and Sulu...who is Chinese
but there are no Arabs.

My son is very upset and does not understand why there are not Iranians
in Star Trek".

Obama smiled....and said....

"That's because it takes place in the future".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 07 Sep 2013, 12:10 pm

A man walks into a pub and asks for a pint.

The barman says..."Sure...That'll be one Penny".

"A Penny?"..Exclaims the man.... looking up from
Reading the menu.

"Well then"... he says.."Could I have Steak and Chips?".

"Certainly!"...says the barman..."That'll be four
pence".

"Four Pence!?"...cried the man..."Your joking...Where's
the bloke who owns this place?".

The barman says..."Upstairs with my wife".

The man asks..."What's he doing upstairs with your wife?".

The barman replies.....

"The same thing I'm doing to his business!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 08 Sep 2013, 2:23 pm

The young couple get married and...according to tradition
in their families...the best man has the first dance with the
bride.

But...the couple continue to dance for the second song...
then the third.

By the time they get to the fourth...the groom rushes onto
the dance floor and boots the bride between the legs.

There's a riot..eventually all the guests are hauled off by
the police...later to appear in court.

The judge asks the best man what happened.

"Your Honour"...says the best man..."We were just dancing
when the groom ran up and booted the bride between the
legs".

"That must have really hurt"...said the judge .

"It certainly did...your honour"...said the best man.

"It broke three of my fingers!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 08 Sep 2013, 6:56 pm

You Sir make my day for a good laugh !!!!!Laughing Laughing 
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 09 Sep 2013, 12:35 pm

Prince Charles is driving around the Queen's estate when
he accidentally runs over her favourite Corgi.

He gets out of the land rover and sits on the grass....
distraught....knowing his mother will be furious.

Quite by accident ...he spots a half buried lamp sticking
out of the ground.

Immediately after picking it up... and rubbing it...a Genie
appears.

"You have saved me from thousands of years of imprisonment
as a reward...I shall grant you one wish".

Charles says...."I have all the material things I need...but do
you think you could bring this dog back to life?".

"You ask too much!"...,replies the Genie..."The body is too far
gone...It's bones are all crushed...and it's brains are splattered
all over the road...even I could not bring it back to life...perhaps
there is something else you would wish for?".

Charles reaches into his pocket and pulls out two photographs.

He shows the first photo to the genie and says..."I was married
to this beautiful woman named Diana".

then he shows the Genie the second photograph and says...

"But now I am married to this woman called Camilla...do you think
you can make her as beautiful as Diana?".

The Genie studies the two photographs...then says..."Let's have
another look at that dog".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 11 Sep 2013, 12:36 am

Three blokes were sitting around talking about what being
really... really famous would be like.

The first guy defined it as being invited to the White House
for a personal chat with the President.

"Nah"...disagreed the second bloke..."Real fame would be being
in there chatting when the hot line rings.....and the President
won't take the call".

The third man said they both had it wrong.

"Fame"...he declared..."Is when you're in the Oval Office and
the Hot Line rings...The President answers it...listens for a
second....then says..."It's for you".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 15 Sep 2013, 10:16 am



Sandy decided to take his blind date to a seaside carnival.

"What would you like to do first...  Sheila?"...inquired Sandy.

"I'd like to get weighed"... she said.

They ambled over to the weigh machine...Sheila got on the scale
Sandy put in a coin and.... the machine printed out Sheila's weight.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel.... when the ride was over
Sandy asked Sheila what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed"... she replied.

Back to the weigh machine they went and even before she got the card
telling her weight...Sandy knew it would just be the same as before.

 Sandy bought Sheila some Candy Floss and.... they wandered around
the carnival for a while.

Then Sandy asked ... "Where to next?.... Sheila responded.....

"I want to get weighed".

By this time Sandy figured she was some kind of fruit and so decided
to take her home early.... dropping her off with just a handshake.

Sheila's flatmate laura asked about her blind date.

Well...how'd it go?".  


Sheila...with a tear in her eye... said.... "Oh... Waura.... it was wousy!".




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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 17 Sep 2013, 5:00 pm

The big Texan was walking down the main street in Ballyblowme
when he encountered Liam standing on the pavement beside a horse.

This prompted the Texan to realise a lifelong dream... as he said to Liam...
"Say Boy.... that's a fine-lookin horse you all got there...  I'd like to tour this
beautiful country on horseback so I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the
countryside like they did in them old days.
I'll buy that horse off of you.... how much ya want?".

Liam replied...."To be sure now...an' you don't want to be messin with this horse
he don't look too good these days".

"Hey... Boy"...., said the Texan..." Don't you be trying to tell me what's a good lookin'
horse an what ain't..... I been tradin` horses all my life ....and there ain't nothin a
young country boy like you can tell me about em'..... Now you jes name yer price and
we`ll get along jes' fine".


"I'm just saying that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want
any part of him".

The Texan was getting angry now.

" Listen up Boy!.... you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not
and jes' give me a price and..... I'll pay cash right here and now".


"Oh well" ....said Liam..."In that case it'll be fifty pounds".


"Deal!".... says the Texan... as he handed over the money.


Liam untied the horse and the Texan led him off.


The horse walked smack into the first lamp post they came to.


The Texan turned to Liam and shouted....

"Hey... Boy, you ain't nothin' but a damn swindler....you didn't tell me this
here horse is blind!".


"Well"....said Liam...."I  kept telling you he don't look too good".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 26 Sep 2013, 3:48 pm

The small town doctor routinely performed circumcisions...
and got into the habit of saving the foreskins in a jar of
formaldehyde.

Many years went by and it came time for him to retire.

As he was cleaning out his office he came across the jar..
now completely full.

"Why throw it out"?...he reasoned...so he took it to the
tailor's shop across the road with instructions that he
should make whatever he saw fit.

Two weeks later the tailor presented him with a beautiful
little wallet

"A Wallet!...that's all I get after a lifetime of work?"...
exclaimed the doctor.

"There were hundreds and hundreds of foreskins in that
jar!".


"Relax... doc....Just relax"....said the tailor soothingly.



"Rub it for a minute or two and it turns into a suitcase".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 06 Oct 2013, 3:20 pm

Suffering from severe headaches...Sammy goes to his doctor.

The doctor says....."You know.....I suffered from that type of
headache for years too...this is how I cured it.

Every day I'd give my wife oral sex...and just as she was finishing
she'd squeeze her legs together with all her strength...and the
pressure would relieve the tension in my head.......try that for
two weeks...then come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and Sammy is back.

"Doctor"...he says...."I feel wonderful...I haven't had a headache
since I started the treatment...I can't thank you enough".

"No problem....I'm glad to hear you're cured"...replied the doctor.

"Thanks".... says Sammy..."And by the way...you have a lovely
home".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 10 Oct 2013, 2:35 pm

The Nursery school had received a number of complaints from parents
regarding the state of a hawthorn hedge that surrounded the school
playground.
It was so long and thorny in places that several people.....including
children...had received nasty scratches.

The town council had rejected all calls to trim the hedge...so the
school decided to undertake the task themselves and proposed
cutting back the hedge every three months to ensure it stayed in
shape and posed no further danger.

To this end......the school formed a special committee of parent
volunteers......each of whom took responsibility for a particular
aspect of the operation.

The key area was finance...and since one of the parents was an
investment banker...the committee thought he would be the ideal
person to set up an account from which money could be drawn to
cover the costs associated with maintaining the hedge.

But...when he was approached...the investment banker firmly
declined...saying....

"There's no way I'm getting involved in any more hedge funds".





Two dog owners were talking in the park.

One said..."I'm fed up with my dog...he'll chase anyone on a
bike".

"What are you going to do with him?"...asked the other....
"Have him put down?".

"No"....said the first..."I think I'll just take away his bike!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 17 Jan 2014, 12:28 pm

Ronaldo... Luis Figo... and Zinedin Zedane are standing before God at the throne of Heaven.

God looked at them and said...

"Before granting you a place by my side.... I must first ask you what your believe is".

Addressing Ronaldo first.... God asked.... "What do you believe?".

Ronaldo looked God in the eye and stated passionately.... "I believe Football to be
the food of life.
Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the
bright lights of Madrid.
I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting
their club".

God looked up and offered Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turned to Luis Figo.... "And you... Luis.... what do you believe?".

Figo stood tall and proud.... "I believe courage.... honour and passion are the fundamentals
to life.... and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these
traits".

God.... moved by the passion of the speech offered Figo the seat to his right.

Finally.... he turned to Zinedine Zedane ... "And you Zinedine....what do you believe?".


"I believe"..... says Zinadine ... "you're sitting in my seat".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 19 Jan 2014, 10:53 am

Fifty Shades Of Gray.

Four pals had been going on the same fishing trips for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave... Sammy's wife puts her foot
down and tells him he isn't going.

Sammy's mates are very upset that he can't go.... but what can
they do.

Two days later the three pals get to the usual camping site only
to find Sammy sitting there with his tent set up... firewood gathered
and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Sh!t.. Sammy... how long you been here?... How did you talk your
missus into letting you go?".

"Well... I've been here since last night.
After dinner at home yesterday evening... I was sitting in my chair
and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and
said.... 'Guess who ?".

I pulled her hands away.... and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie.

She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish
look in her eyes!.
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom.

The room had candles.. and rose petals on the bed.... she had handcuffs
and ropes.

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed... so I did.

Then she said..... "Do whatever you want.

So . . . . here I am!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 20 Jan 2014, 2:02 pm

William was fed up with the congestion charges in London.

But what were the alternatives?...he thought...It was too far to walk...and
he  couldn't ride a bike.

A friend of his...who just happened to be an Arab suggested riding a camel
to work.

So...he bought one and for the first couple of weeks everything went well.  

He left work one evening to find the camel gone.

Off he went to the police station... and he recounted his story to a very
sceptical constable.

"It's name?"...asked the policeman...."Lucky"....said William.

"Colour?...Brown".

"Type?.....A Dromedary".

"What sex is the Camel sir?".

"Er..I don't really know.... I never checked".

"Right... Sir... I'll get the Flying Squad on to it right away...if you can remember
anything else let us know".

William started walking out the station...then turned back.."I remember now...
it's a female... yes... definitely a female".

"What makes you so sure.... Sir?".

"Well...I remember riding down the High Street last week and a man shouted
over to his friend......'Look at the soft c*nt on that camel".


 


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 14 Dec 2014, 4:35 pm

Patrick was getting flustered at not being able to find
a parking space in a large supermarket parking lot.

"Lord...by all Dat's Saintly"...he prayed.

Oi' can't stand this....If ye opens a space up fur me...
Oi' swears... I'll Gie up me drinking Da whisky....I
promise to go to Da church every Sunday".


Suddenly... the clouds parted and the sun shone down
on an empty parking space.

Without hesitation...Patrick murmured under his breath.

"Never mind Lord....Oi've found one".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 14 Dec 2014, 4:55 pm

Father O'flannigan...was driving quite fast down a quiet country road...

when he notices the blue lights in his rear view mirror.

The Garda leans into the priest's car and says...Oh...hello
Father O'flannigan...  Oi' didn't realise it was yourself.

He smells alcohol on the priest's breath... and then notices an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the priest's car.

"Father!.... have you been drinking?".

"Just water".... says the priest.

The Garda asks... "Then how do Oi' smell wine?".

The priest looks at the bottle and says...


"Good Lord!.... He's done it again!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 17 Dec 2014, 6:29 pm

As Father McGee strolled into the church he spotted a man
sitting cross-legged on the altar.

"My son"... said the holy man... "what are you doing?...
Who are you?".

"I'm God".... said the stranger.

"Pardon?".

"I'm God"...he repeated.... 'This is my house!".

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and.... in total panic...
rang the archbishop.

"Your reverence".... said he... "I hate to trouble you... but
there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God...
What'll I do?".

"Take no chances".... said the archbishop..... "Get back in
the church and look busy!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 18 Dec 2014, 2:11 pm

Wanting to be a really good Proctologist ...Sammy decided to go down to the
hospital morgue after evening class and practice a little.

Uncovering the nearest corpse...he noticed there was a cork in its bottom.

Thinking that a little strange... he pulled it out and music started playing...

"On the road again... just can’t wait to get back on the road again".

Sammy really freaked out!... He ran and woke up the chief physician....
and dragged the poor man back to the morgue.

"Look!"... he said.. and pulled the cork out again.

"On the road again…just can't wait".....


Sammy asked excitedly...."Is that not the most amazing thing you have ever seen?".

The chief physician was totally unimpressed.

"So what?"... he said.

"Any Ass hole can sing country music!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 20 Dec 2014, 2:17 pm

The Texan was trying to impress on the New Englander
the valour of the heroes of the Alamo.

"I bet they were braver than any man from your part
of the country"...he declared.

"I suppose you've never heard of Paul Revere?"...
countered the new Englander.

"Sounds familiar"...said the Texan...

"Isn't he the guy who ran for help?".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 22 Dec 2014, 4:31 pm

Queen Victoria...

Was visiting a town in northern England to
open a new hospital.

The town mayor made an announcement that
in honour of the occasion...the town would name
a road after the Queen.

The first road that was suggested was a residential
road...and the suggested name was "Victoria Mews".

Sadly...the Queen didn't like the idea of giving her
name to that road.

As she said..."We are happy to be a city centre street

But we are not a Mews!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 23 Dec 2014, 8:16 am

"In the centre ring"...cried the ringmaster..."We have Nero...
the boldest and bravest animal trainer in the world.

Watch..ladies and gentlemen...as he puts his head between
the jaws of our man-eating lion".

The crowd roared as Nero pulled out his head unscathed.

"Now..folks.. watch this!"...shouts the announcer...as Nero
unzipped his pants and put his Bobby between the giant teeth.

"Don't do it!"...screamed the audience as the lion's jaws clamped
shut....but without flinching....Nero pulled them open and
removed his unharmed Bobby.

Wild cheers filled the arena.

When the noise died down..the ringmaster stepped forward and
announced..."Ladies and Gentlemen..a prize of five thousand...
yes..five thousand pounds...to any man in the audience who'll try
that trick".

His jaw dropped as a small...effeminate-looking man stepped right
up to the ringside.

"You're going to repeat that trick with the man-eating lion in front
of all these people?"...the ringmaster asked incredulously.

"Certainly "...said the man..."But I must tell you something first.

I don't think I can open my mouth as wide as the lion did".






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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 25 Dec 2014, 6:21 pm

The supermarket was busy and the mother had her three
-year old daughter sitting at the front of the trolley.

Suddenly the wee girl started to cry..and the woman said

"Now..Elizabeth..we only have another half of the store to
do..and then we can go home".

When they reached the vegetable aisles..the wee girl started
to howl...and the mother said..."There..there..Elizabeth...
don't cry.... we only have to visit the bakery..then we can go
home".

At the checkout the wee girl started to scream and shout..the
mother gently said.."Elizabeth...we will have paid in five minutes
then out to the car park..and in ten minutes we will be back home".

As they were leaving the store a woman said to the mother..

"I couldn't help but admire how you talked to your little daughter...
Elizabeth..to calm her down".

The woman said..."My daughter's name is Katie..I'm Elizabeth!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 26 Dec 2014, 12:56 pm

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn't control himself any more.

He just had to try something different for Christmas lunch and decided on
pork... just to see what it tasted like.

So... he told his members he was going on a Christmas break.

He headed to another city and the nearest restaurant.

After sitting down.. he ordered a roasted pig... and impatiently waited for
the delicacy to arrive.

After just a few minutes.. he heard someone call his name.. and to his
great surprise.. saw one of the fellow members of the vegetarian society
walking towards him.

At that same moment... the waiter walked over... with a huge platter....

holding a full roasted pig with an apple in it’s mouth.

“Isn’t that something”... said the leader after only a moments pause...

“All I did was order an apple... and look what it came with!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 29 Dec 2014, 2:16 pm

Phillips fancied himself quite the ladies man..so when his cruise
ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a
desert island with six women..he couldn't believe his good fortune.

They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a
week with the only man.

Phillips threw himself into the arrangement with gusto..working
even on his day off...but as the weeks stretched into months...
he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and
more eagerly.

late one afternoon he was sitting on the beach wishing there
were more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a
man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves.

Phillips swam out...pulled the raft to shore...and did a little
jig of happiness.

"You can't believe how happy I am to see you"...he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed...

"You're a sight for sore eyes...too...you gorgeous thing".


"Sh*t"...sighed Phillips...There go my Sundays".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 01 Jan 2015, 5:04 pm

Three macho Eskimos were arguing about who had the coldest Igloo.

So...they decided to check each one in turn.

Sure he'd won the argument...the first Eskimo pulled back his Polar
Bear skin blanket and revealed that his bed was made of ice.

"Nah'...mine's colder"...claimed the second Eskimo...and when they
checked his Igloo...it was snowing inside.

"Pretty cold"...conceded the third Eskimo.."But I've got you beat".

He led the way to his Igloo...where he pulled back the bed covers
To reveal a brown spot on the bed.

Chipping it off with an Ice pick...he tossed it into the fire..and after
several minutes a noise came forth..like hissing gas.

In response to the puzzled glances of the other two Eskimos...

He explained with a smile..."Frozen Fart".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 04 Jan 2015, 12:12 pm

Stupid Steven was walking home late one night.. pissed as a fart
when he smacked into a tree.

He backed up..then walked smack into the tree again.

Twice more the same thing happened.

He said to himself..."this is just Fekin' great.

I should have been home hours ago....and here I am lost
in this forest".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 09 Mar 2015, 6:33 pm

Seated next to an aged rabbi on a transcontinental flight...the eager young priest
couldn't resist the opportunity to proselytize.

''You really should think about coming over to the Roman Catholic Faith.....being
welcomed into the arms of the Holy Father ''...he enthused. ''It is the only true
faith...you know..only  those who believe in the Sacraments shall be admitted
to the Kingdom of Heaven when they die''.

The rabbi nodded indulgently..but expressed no interest in the mechanics of
conversation..and eventually the young priest fell silent..depressed by his
failure.

A little while later..the plane ran into a tremendous hurricane.... Lost power
and crashed into a dense wood.

Miraculously the priest was thrown...unhurt from his seat. When he came to
and looked back at the flaming wreckage..the first thing he saw was the rabbi
making the sign of the cross.

Crossing himself and whispering a brief prayer of gratitude...the priest ran over
and took his arm.

''Praise the Lord!''...he babbled joyfully. ''You did hear the word after all..didn't
you?...and just in time for it to comfort you through mortal peril...and you do
wish to be saved ...to become one of us now...ALLELUIA!''.

''Vat on earth are you talking about?''...asked the elderly fellow..still rather dazed.

''Sir...I saw it with my own eyes...as you stepped out of the flames...you made the
sign of the cross!''.

''Cross?..Vat cross''...asked the rabbi irritably.

''I Vas simply checking ...Spectacles..Testicles...wallet ...and Watch''.



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 09 Mar 2015, 8:34 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 13 Mar 2015, 4:41 am

President Obama and Vice president Joseph Robinette Biden Jr
go into a restaurant.

The waitress comes over and says...''Why..Mr President!... Mr
Biden!... what can I get you both?''.

Vice President Biden says...''Yes...we'd like a quickie''.

The waitress leaves all flustered and nervous.

The president turns to Mr Biden and says...

''Joseph...It's pronounced Quiche!''.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 13 Mar 2015, 5:01 am

skinman {kan} wrote:


The waitress comes over and says...''Why..Mr President!... Mr
Biden!... what can I get you both?''. "New Jobs?"



geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 14 Mar 2015, 1:44 pm

Vinnie buys a motorcycle from his cousin.he knows the bike is ten years old
but it shines like it's brand new.

Vinnie says ''how do you keep the bike in such great condition?''.

His cousin says..''Well since you're buying it..I'll tell you.Every time it rains I
cover the bike with Vaseline.That way it will never tarnish.It will always look
brand new and last a hundred years.Just remember..every time it rains cover
the motorcycle with Vaseline''.

So..Vinnie hops on his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend.They're on
their way to his girlfriend's parents house for his first dinner with them. Before
they arrive..the girlfriend says..''Look..we have a little rule in my house..anybody
who talks during dinner has to do the dishes'',

Vinnie figures it's a little strange..but he'll go along with it. So they get to the house
and walk in. There's dirty dishes on the floor. There's dirty cups and saucers hanging
from the ceiling. There's bowls and plates with food caked on them. There's one entire
room just filled with dirty silverware.Dishes have been wallpapered and carpeted over.
The dishes in this house have not been done since World War Two.

So...they sit down to eat. Vinnie is looking at his girlfriend..and feeling real horny. He
figures..hey nobody's talking anyway..so he grabs his girl..rips off her clothes..throws
her on the table and in front of her mother and father..bangs her right there on the table.

Nobody says a word. So they keep on eating. They have a little sponge cake..and Vinnie
is still horny. He figures..hey the mother looks pretty good. So he grabs her..rips off her
clothes..throws her on the table and in front of the father and his girlfriend..bangs the
mother right there on the table.

Nobody makes a peep. So..now they're having coffee.

Vinnie happens to look out the window and sees that it's starting to rain..It's going to rain
all over his new motorcycle. He jumps up and yells..''hey does anybody have any Vaseline''.

The father shouts back..''Okay!...Okay!...I'll do the fekin' dishes''.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 16 Mar 2015, 12:52 pm

Two Italians...Luigi and Antonio..met on the street.

''Hey...Antonio!''...shouted Luigi. ''Where you been for
the past two weeks?..I No seen you around''.

''Don'a talk to me Luigi...I been inna jail''.

''Jail!''...Exclaimed Luigi. ''Why you been inna jail?''.

''Well Luigi''...Explained Antonio. ''I was lying onna dis
beach...and the cops come arrest me and throw me
inna jail''.

''But dey dona throw you inna jail just for lying onna
beach''.

''Yeah''...said Antonio. ''But dis beach was screamin'
and akickin' and a yellin'!''.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 02 Apr 2015, 5:19 pm

All day a patient in a mental hospital would put
his ear to the wall and listen.

The doctor watched him do this day after day.

Curious as to what the patient was listening to
the doctor decided to put his own ear to the
wall...but heard nothing.

Turning to the patient he said...''I don't hear
anything''.

The patient replied...

''Yeah..I know...It's been like that for months!''.



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 05 Apr 2015, 6:14 am

A Hollywood movie producer was lying beside the pool
at the Beverly Hills Hilton when his business partner
showed up in a state of high excitement.

''How did the meeting go?''...asked the Producer.

''Great''...said his associate...''Tarantino will write and
direct for ten million..Tom Hanks will star for nine million
and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million''.

''That's fantastic news!''...Shouted the producer.

''There's just one snag''...warned the associate.

''What's that?''.

''We have to put up two thousand in cash''.



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 03 Jul 2015, 7:24 pm

Patrick's wife was about to give birth..so...
he rushed her to hospital.

On arrival..the nurse asked..''How dilated is she?''

''Oh..jasus''...beamed Patrick...We're both over the
moon!''.


..............................................

Murphy and O'Flaherty were standing at the urinals
in a public lavatory when Murphy glanced over and
noticed that O'Flaherty's penis was twisted like a
corkscrew.

''Jesus!''...exclaimed Murphy...''I've never seen one
like that before''.

''Like what?''...said O'Flaherty.

''All twisted like a pig's tail''.

''Well..what's yours like?''.

''Straight and normal''.

''Well I thought mine was normal till I saw yours''.

Murphy finished what he was doing and then shook
himself before putting it back in his pants.

''What did you do that for?''...asked O'Flaherty.

''Shaking off the excess drops''...replied Murphy...
like normal.

''Damn!''...said O'Flaherty...''And all these years
I've been wringing!''.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 03 Jul 2015, 7:24 pm

Patrick's wife was about to give birth..so...
he rushed her to hospital.

On arrival..the nurse asked..''How dilated is she?''

''Oh..jasus''...beamed Patrick...We're both over the
moon!''.


..............................................

Murphy and O'Flaherty were standing at the urinals
in a public lavatory when Murphy glanced over and
noticed that O'Flaherty's penis was twisted like a
corkscrew.

''Jesus!''...exclaimed Murphy...''I've never seen one
like that before''.

''Like what?''...said O'Flaherty.

''All twisted like a pig's tail''.

''Well..what's yours like?''.

''Straight and normal''.

''Well I thought mine was normal till I saw yours''.

Murphy finished what he was doing and then shook
himself before putting it back in his pants.

''What did you do that for?''...asked O'Flaherty.

''Shaking off the excess drops''...replied Murphy...
like normal.

''Damn!''...said O'Flaherty...''And all these years
I've been wringing!''.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 03 Jul 2015, 7:36 pm

lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 06 Jul 2015, 7:12 pm

Paddy went on to the television programme
The Antiques Roadshow...where experts
value items brought in by members of the
public...Paddy placed a large metal box on
the table.

"Where did you find this?"..asked the antiques
expert.

"Oh"...said Paddy..."It's been in the attic for
years".

"Have you got Insurance?".

"Why do you ask?"...enquired Paddy.

"Because you're going to need it...that's your
cold water tank!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 06 Jul 2015, 7:42 pm

Whoops lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 07 Jul 2015, 6:12 pm

The President of Indonesia was honoured to receive a special invitation from his Russian counterpart..
Vladimir Putin..to visit Moscow.

For three days ..the Indonesian President was wined...dined and generally granted the full extent of Russian hospitality.

On the final day of the visit..Putin said "As your stay is coming to an end..it is time for you to play our traditional game
of Russian Roulette.
One of the six chambers of a gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder..point the gun at your head and pull the trigger.
You have a one in five chance of living".

The Indonesian President was somewhat startled by the suggestion but knew that his country's pride was at stake.

To show fear would bring disgrace upon his people.So he took the gun..spun the cylinder..and then pulled the trigger.

To his great relief..the chamber was empty. Nevertheless he had been very impressed by the game and thought of
how to match it when Putin visited Indonesia the following year.

It was thirteen months later when Putin set foot in Indonesia.

Surpassing even Russian hospitality..the Indonesians plied Putin and his entourage with exotic seafood washed down
by generous amounts of alcohol for five days. On the final day...the Indonesian President led Putin to a private room
in the palace and announced..."Now at the end of your visit it is time for you to sample our traditional game..Indonesian
roulette".

He then took the Russian leader into a room occupied by six beautiful..naked women.

The Indonesian President declared..."These women are representatives of our country's tribes. Any one of them will
give you a blow job...take your pick".

Putin's eyes lit up at the prospect but he couldn't see the connection with Russian roulette.

"It sounds a great game"..he said.."and I can't wait to play..but where is the roulette part?..where is the danger?".

The Indonesian President smiled and said....

"Well...One of them is a cannibal".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 07 Jul 2015, 8:12 pm

lol! the film "cross of iron" comes to mind.....ouch!!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 08 Jul 2015, 5:20 am

lol!

_________________

     
   
"if its got tits or wheels it'l cost you money"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 11 Jul 2015, 9:55 am

Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airoplane trip
back to Washington.

He turned to her and said...."Let's talk. I've heard that journeys
seem shorter if you strike up a conversation with the person next
to you".

The little girl said..."okay..what would you like to talk about?".

"Oh...I don't know"...said Obama. "What about the changes I should
make to America?".

"Yeah...that would be an interesting topic"...she agreed.

"But first let me ask you a question. "A horse a cow and a deer all eat
the same stuff...grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets...while a cow
turns out a flat patty...and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why
do you suppose that is?".

Surprised by the little girl's intelligence...Obama considered the question
for a few seconds before finally admitting..."I'm sorry I have no idea".

The little girl replied..."So do you really feel qualified to change America
when you don't know shit?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 11 Jul 2015, 11:25 am

lol! ROFL ROFL omg I hope MLF reads this.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 13 Jul 2015, 9:47 am

[quote="Dracslady"]lol!  ROFL  ROFL  omg I hope MLF reads this. [/quote

I have indeed......I know my shit...... lol!
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PostSubject: donald   Fri 14 Oct 2016, 8:57 pm

Donald Trump is visiting a local elementary school.. and stops by one of the classrooms.

The class is in the middle of a lecture about words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word tragedy.

Trump obliges.. and asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says... If my best friend who lives on a farm got ran
over by a tractor and died... that would be a tragedy.

No.. says Trump.. that would be an accident.

A little girl raises her hand and offers...If a school bus carrying 20 kids drove over
a cliff... killing everyone inside... that would be a tragedy.

I’m afraid not... explains Trump... That’s what we would call a great loss.
The room goes silent.
No other children volunteer.

Mr Trump searches the room for another student to participate in his discussion.

Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?.

Finally... at the back of the room.. little Billy raises his hand and In a quiet voice
he says...If a private jet you were riding in was struck by a missile and blown up..
that would be a tragedy.

Excellent!.. exclaims Trump... “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be
a tragedy?.

Well... says the boy... because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably
wouldn’t be an accident either.

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 15 Oct 2016, 11:14 pm

lol! hey there John.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 16 Oct 2016, 12:07 am

The Trump joke is pretty dang funny. The choices we have here in the state this go round are not.....sadly.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 17 Oct 2016, 6:32 pm

lol! lol! oh man trump or clinton what a choice,now that is a tragedy.in the meantime we have just had a coup de tar and installed a new prime minister and at present a lame duck of a labour party...along with brexit.... the future is bleak.just as well this is in the official joke section...unfortunately it is anything but!!
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THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION
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