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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 19 Aug 2011, 8:50 pm

A man has been found dead inside a Domino Pizza house.

His head was covered in pineapple.. anchovies.. salami

tomato and cheese.

Police aren't looking for suspects....

they believe he may have topped himself.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 20 Aug 2011, 11:18 am

Three guys entered a disabled swimming contest.

The first had no arms....the second had no legs...

And the third had no body...just a head.

The guy with no legs took the lead...closely followed
by the guy with no arms...while the head sank straight
to the bottom of the pool.

Four lengths later...the guy with no legs came home
first and....because he could still see bubbles coming
from the bottom of the pool...he decided he ought to
dive down and rescue the head.

So he plunged down...collected the head and brought
it back up to the surface.

he then placed it by the side of the pool.

The head began coughing and spluttering violently..

"I've spent two years learning how to swim with my ears"..

shouted the head..."And then thirty seconds before
the start of the race....

some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:25 pm

The oldest Inhabitant of Castlebar in
County Mayo was Interviewed some
years ago by a young reporter from
a local newspaper.

He was asked if he had his life to live
over again was there any major change
he'd make.

he thought hard about it for several
minutes.

"Indeed there is...Indeed there is"..he
whined.

"And what would that be?"...asked the
reporter.

"Sure.. I'd part me hair in the middle..
so I would!".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 30 Aug 2011, 8:02 am

The teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids
what do they need at home.

The first kid says ....."A computer....miss".

The Teacher replies ....."That'd be very useful".

A second kid says.... "A new lawn mower....miss".

And she gets a similar response from teacher.

Little Johnny from the back of the class pops up his hand
and says ......ďAt my house we don't need nothin...miss".

The teacher asks him to have another wee think....
as everybody always needs something.

Little Johnny replies...

"No.... I'm sure....when my sister started going out with
a Muslim..... I remember my dad saying....

Well.... that's the last bloody thing we need".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 01 Sep 2011, 10:56 am

On returning home from service in Iraq...

Three US soldiers were asked to report to their commander
who announced that because of their gallantry...

the army would be paying each of them $100 per inch on
their bodies from one point to another of their choice.

The commander asked the first soldier..a special forces
commando..how he could measure him up.

"I'll have from the top of my head to the tips of my toes...Sir!".

"Sure"..said the commander..measuring him.

"That's seventy inches...so here's $7.000".

Next he asked the second man..a marine..who answered..

"I'll have from the tips of both arms...outstretched... Sir!".

"OK"..said the commander...measuring the marine's outstretched
arms.

"That's seventy five inches..so here's $7.500".

Finally he asked the third soldier...an explosives expert..who said...

"I'll have from the tip of my dick to the end of my balls...Sir!".

The commander was slightly taken aback by the request but agreed
and began to measure the soldiers privates.

After a few seconds..he suddenly stood up and demanded...

"Where are your balls...soldier?".


The soldier replied...


"BAGHDAD...SIR!".


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 24 Sep 2011, 12:52 pm

A Biker Dude pulled into an isolated gas
station somewhere in Mexico .

A Mexican was quietly sitting on a fruit crate
peeling an Apple..but showing no signs of moving.

Becoming impatient at the lack of service......the
Biker yelled....."Hey.....how about you pumping me
some Mothersuckin' gas?".

The Mexican said..."Senor...we don't like that word..
"Mothersucker" in this country.. he continued
to peel his Apple

The Biker reacted angrily....."Dude..I want some
Mothersuckin' gas!..do you hear me?".

The mexican repeated..."Senor...we really don't like the
word Mothersucker in this country"...and he carried
on peeling his apple.

The Biker was now seething with rage.

"You Gonna pump me some Mothersuckin' gas....or
do I have have to get it myself?".

The Mexican stood up and said calmly..."Senor...let me
show you something".

he tossed his Apple into the air and with his sharp
knife...cut it into sixteen slices in mid-air.

The Biker said..."You got another Mothersuckin' Apple?".

The Mexican tossed him another Apple...whereupon the
Biker pulled out his .45 and made Apple sauce out of it.

The Mexican thought for a moment then said....

"How many Mothersuckin' Gallons do you think she'll take....
Senor?".


nervus
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PostSubject: Divorce letter   Mon 26 Sep 2011, 5:14 pm

Divorce letter

Dear Wife,

Iím writing you this letter to tell you that Iím leaving you forever. Iíve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didnít even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You donít tell me you love me anymore; you donít want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either youíre cheating on me or you donít love me anymore; whatever the case, Iím gone.

Your EX-Husband.

P.S. donít try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
__________________________________________________________


Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. Itís true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what youíve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesnít work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ĎYou look just like a girl!í Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you canít say something nice, I didnít comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you wonít get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I donít know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.


_________________

†† ††
†††
"if its got tits or wheels it'l cost you money"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 27 Sep 2011, 4:38 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 27 Sep 2011, 4:57 pm

Two pals were chatting in the pub one Saturday afternoon.

"My ex-wife"....said one...." Could manipulate the muscles in her
clout so it felt like you were getting a blow job....

which is ironic because when she manipulated her mouth
muscles she often sounded like a cnut.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 05 Oct 2011, 11:12 am

Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili... or as he was better
known..."STALIN"...was giving a speech in a small
auditorium.

During a pause......someone in the audience sneezed.

Looking up from his notes...Stalin asked.."Who sneezed?".

No one answered.

Stalin ordered the guards to escort the first three rows
of people outside...where they were executed.

Stalin then asked..."Now!...Who sneezed?".

Again...no one answered.

Stalin then ordered the guards to escort the people in the
next three rows outside...minutes later shots were heard.

"Now...for the last time...Comrades"...demanded Stalin....

"Who sneezed?".

A small bespectacled man in the back row raised his hand and
said...."Um...I did...Comrade".

To which Stalin replied...."Bless You!".


Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 11 Oct 2011, 9:21 am

A man was in court charged with theft.

His lawyer told the crusty old judge....

"My Lord...my client has produced receipts
For...firstly...the high speed modem...."

"What is a high speed modem?"...asked the
judge...peering over his spectacles.

The lawyer answered..."My Lord...a high speed
modem allows computers to communicate over
vast distances at high speed...it allows e-mail
and something called Cybersex in internet chat
rooms".

"Cybersex?"...queried the judge.
"Sex through a computer?...what is the world
coming to?...the morals of modern society appal
me!...sex should be a wholesome..natural act".

"Secondly..my Lord"...continued the lawyer....
"My client can produce a receipt for the twelve
speed CD_ROM".

"Twelve speed CD_ROM?"..interjected the judge.

"Yes...my Lord...it enables millions of bits of
information to be read off a small disc".

"And I suppose most of this "Information" is
Cybersex related?"...said the judge.
"Frankly ..I'm disgusted at what technology is
doing to morality".

"Thirdly..my Lord"...continued the lawyer....
"My client can produce a receipt for the super
Delux inflatable milk maid......whatever that is".

The judge said..."That's the one with the silicone
breasts and real hair".


Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:16 am

I remember someone told me that the way to get a perfect cup of tea
is to agitate the bag a couple of times.

So.... I turned to the wife this morning and said....

"Hey...you lazy bitch...get off your fat ass and put the kettle on!".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 01 Nov 2011, 7:02 pm

A man was drinking alone at the bar.

"How come I never see you in here with Alfie
any more?"...the barman asks him.

"Well...would you drink with a bloke who's a
liar...borrows money he never pays back...
never offers to buy a round...is jealous of
everything you have and as soon as your
back is turned he tries to sleep with your
wife and daughter?".

"Bloody hell...no!"...says the barman.

"Well...neither would Alfie!".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 30 Nov 2011, 6:18 pm


Eddie... who had a way with people...Emigrated to California
and ended up at a big.. "Everything under one roof"...
department store as a salesman.

His first day on the job was a tough one...but he managed.

After the store closed his boss came over and enquired....
"How many sales did you make today?".

Eddie said... "Just the one".

"Just one!?"...shouted his boss..."Our sales staff average
twenty five to thirty sales a day..... How much was the sale
for?".

Eddie said... "$101,296.35".

His boss asked... "What the hell did you sell?".

"Well"...said Eddie... "the customer came in to buy a small fish
hook..
I also sold him a medium fish hook... Then a large fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.... Then I asked him where he
was going fishing and he said off the west coast.

So I told him he would need a boat.... we went down to the
boat department and I sold him our newest twin engine Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it... so I
took him down to the garage showroom and sold him the big
silver 4X4".

His boss said... "A man came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a boat and truck?".

Eddie replied... "No... he came in here to buy a box of tampons
for his wife and I said...

'Well.... your weekend's fecked.... you might as well go fishing'".



Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 05 Dec 2011, 10:07 pm

The Cow.. the Ant.. and the Old Fart .

A Cow.. an Ant and an old Fart are debating on who is the
greatest of the three of them.

The Cow said... "I give 20 pints of milk every day and that's
why I am the greatest!".


The Ant said... "I work day and night... summer and winter...

I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the
greatest!".


























































Why are you scrolling down?..... It's your turn to say something.

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 05 Dec 2011, 11:50 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 08 Dec 2011, 2:03 am

My other half asked me what I was doing on the
computer.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!"... she said... and then she got all
excited.

That night we had the most amazing lovemaking
session.


Which is odd because sheís never shown any interest
in darts before?.


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 27 Feb 2012, 3:56 pm

...................A Fistfull of Dollars.


Two cowboys...Slim and Duke...were having a beer in a
saloon when a guy walked in with an Indian's head under
his arm.

the guy handed the head to the bartender who in return
gave him a fistful of dollars.

"I hate Indians!"...explained the bartender.
They burned my barn to the ground and killed my wife
and five kids.
Anybody who brings me the head of an Indian...I'll give
them a thousand dollars".


Slim and Duke knocked back their drinks and went off
to hunt Indians.

Soon they found one and Slim hurled a rock...hitting the
Indian on the head and sending him tumbling from his
horse...then rolling eighty feet down a ravine.

The two cowboys raced down the ravine in hot pursuit
and Slim pulled out his knife ready to claim his trophy.

But just as he was about to slice off the Indian's head..
Duke said..."Slim...take a look at this".

"Not now"...said Slim..."I'm busy".

"I really think you should have a look"....persisted Duke.

"Can't you see I'm busy"...snapped Slim..."I've got a
thousand dollars in my hand here".

Duke said..."Please... Slim...take a look".

Slim new Duke would keep on at him ...so he did as his
friend asked and looked up to the top of the ravine.

Standing there were five thousand Indians.

"JESUS!"...said Slim...

"We're gonna be millionairs!".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 08 Mar 2012, 1:44 pm

It was the England versus Wales rugby International at Twickenham.

As the crowds made their way down the Street towards the stadium...

A Rottweiler... suddenly lunged towards an eight year old English lass
with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby... gasped in horror but... quick as a flash... a man in
a red top jumped out of the crowd... grabbed the dog by the throat and
strangled the life out of it.

As the dead dog lay there... and the crowd cheered in admiration....
a local journalist from the tabloid who had witnessed the heroic
deed... went up to the man and said... 'That was brilliant.

I can see the headlines now ....

"Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death!".

The man replied... "No you've got it wrong..... I'm not here for the rugby!".

"Don't worry"....said the journalist.... 'I can see the headline now ....

"Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler".

The man replied... 'No you're wrong again..... I'm not Welsh....
I'm from Glasgow ".

The next mornings newspaper headlines read....




"Scottish B@stard Strangled Family Pet".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 08 Mar 2012, 5:34 pm

lol!
did you have to remind me of the rugby Sad
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 13 Mar 2012, 8:12 pm


A man met a beautiful blonde Scottish girl and decided he just had to marry her right away.

She said.... "But we don't know anything about one another other".

"That's all right"...he replied.... "We'll learn about each other as we go along".

So.... they were married.... and off they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

A week later... As they were lying by the pool.....

He got up off of his towel....climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a
half tuck... followed by three rotations in the pike position...... at which point he
straightened out then cut through the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations.... he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said.... "That was incredible!"

"I used to be an Olympic diving champion"...he replied.

"You see....I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".

She then got up... jumped into the pool and started swimming lengths.

After seventy five lengths she climbed back out of the pool...lay down on her
towel...she was hardly out of breath.

"That was incredible!"..... he said...."Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?".

"No"....she said....

"I was a prostitute in Glasgow...but I worked both sides of the Clyde".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:20 am


Bone marrow.

A bloke is waiting for a bone marrow transplant and hears
there is a donor in Argentina.

The operation goes ahead and is a complete success.

later the guy decides to write to the donor to thank him.

He starts the letter with................



























Dear Diego marrow donor.

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 28 Mar 2012, 4:05 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:

Bone marrow.

A bloke is waiting for a bone marrow transplant and hears
there is a donor in Argentina.

The operation goes ahead and is a complete success.

later the guy decides to write to the donor to thank him.

He starts the letter with................




Dear Diego marrow donor.

Very Happy

OMG, I'm having a blonde (out of a box hair color) moment. I don't get it Razz scratch
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 28 Mar 2012, 8:17 pm

OMG, I'm having a blonde (out of a box hair color) moment. I don't get it Razz scratch [/quote]


Well Lady....Diego Maradona (marrow Donor) ....considered one of football's most controversial figures

played in a 2..1 Argentina victory over England in 1986 that entered football history for two reasons.

His first goal was considered a handball known as... the Hand of God.

His second goal followed a 66 yard dribble through six England players.....
voted... The Goal of the Century.

There you are lady.. doesn't that just thrill you to bits...you'll have lots to talk about now
down at your karate classes about what a lucky sod he was ...ha ha.


Sleep
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 28 Mar 2012, 8:31 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
OMG, I'm having a blonde (out of a box hair color) moment. I don't get it Razz scratch



skinman {kan} wrote:
Well Lady....Diego Maradona (marrow Donor) ....considered one of football's most controversial figures

played in a 2..1 Argentina victory over England in 1986 that entered football history for two reasons.

His first goal was considered a handball known as... the Hand of God.

His second goal followed a 66 yard dribble through six England players.....
voted... The Goal of the Century.

There you are lady.. doesn't that just thrill you to bits...you'll have lots to talk about now
down at your karate classes about what a lucky sod he was ...ha ha.


Sleep

Now I feel like a total dork! LOL - NOW this is funny! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 28 Mar 2012, 10:17 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
OMG, I'm having a blonde (out of a box hair color) moment. I don't get it Razz scratch



Well Lady....Diego Maradona (marrow Donor) ....considered one of football's most controversial figures

played in a 2..1 Argentina victory over England in 1986 that entered football history for two reasons.

His first goal was considered a handball known as... the Hand of God.

His second goal followed a 66 yard dribble through six England players.....
voted... The Goal of the Century.

There you are lady.. doesn't that just thrill you to bits...you'll have lots to talk about now
down at your karate classes about what a lucky sod he was ...ha ha.


Sleep
[/quote]


wtf!!! goal of the century.....................who voted for that,i imagine the panel was 90% scottish Razz
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 29 Mar 2012, 12:48 am

wtf!!! goal of the century.....................who voted for that,i imagine the panel was 90% scottish Razz [/quote]


He was also elected the greatest FIFA soccer player of the 20th century

an honor he shares with Pelť....

although I don't know what the Scottish count was...he he.

geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 06 Apr 2012, 1:34 pm

The young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went out
to put his name on the door.

While there.. an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next
to his... wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him.

As they talked... her robe slipped open... and it was obvious that she
had nothing else on.
The young man broke into a sweat... trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes... she placed her hand on his arm and said...

"Let's go in to my apartment... I hear someone coming".

He followed her into her apartment... she closed the door and
leaned against it... allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now undressed... she purred at him...

"What would you say was my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed... he finally squeaked...
"It's got to be your ears".

Astounded... and a little hurt she asked... "My ears?..Look at
these breasts... they are full and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.
Look at my skin ... no blemishes anywhere. How can you think
that the best part of my body is my ears?".

Clearing his throat.... he stammered....

"Outside... when you said you heard someone coming....

that was me!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 06 Apr 2012, 5:36 pm

lol! ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 07 Apr 2012, 8:48 pm

A FELLA SITTING IN HIS ARMCHAIR..

WITH HIS FEET UP.... SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE....

"WHEN I DIE....

I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU... MY LOVE".


SHE SHOUTS BACK.....

" YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BATSURD!!.


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 11 Apr 2012, 6:26 pm

I Just looked out of my window ....

and there's a young lad been knocked off his motorbike.

I ran outside and managed to push my way through the
crowd.

A woman shouted.... "are you a doctor? ".

"Am I feck"..... I said..... "he's got my pizza".


........................................................
Q: How many screws are there in a lesbian's bed?.

A: None...... its all tongue and groove.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 11 Apr 2012, 8:23 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:

Q: How many screws are there in a lesbian's bed?.

A: None...... its all tongue and groove.


Embarassed

Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 12 Apr 2012, 10:16 am

Police are still hunting for the "knitting Needles Nutter"

who stabbed six people in our village in the last 4 days.

They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 15 Apr 2012, 11:59 am

How Sweet.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker...
It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street .. and had a drink in a Mars bar.

He asked her name....

"Polo.... I'm the one with the hole "... she said with a Wispa.

"I'm Marathon .... the one with the nuts".... he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs... which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers.. which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But... three days later.... his Sherbet Dip started to itch.

Turns out .......Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett
and he had given her Allsorts!.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 20 Apr 2012, 12:13 am

Scientists have found that many older women develop
Hoover disease.

After years of marriage they begin to make a continuous
whining noise ...and don't suck any more.


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 22 Apr 2012, 11:13 am

A man harboured a nagging secret that he could keep no longer.

Arriving at Chapel and in the confessional he admitted that for years
he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he
worked.

"What did you take?".... his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house...Father.. and enough for my son's house.

Houses for our two daughters and a cottage by the lake".

"This is very serious"...said the priest .

"I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance.

Have you ever done a retreat?".


"No... Father... I haven't.

But if you can get the plans.... I'll get the lumber".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 26 Apr 2012, 2:27 pm

Arcelor-Mittal Steel.... feeling it was time for a shakeup..
hired a new CEO.


The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities... the CEO noticed a guy leaning against
a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that
he meant business.


He asked the guy.... "How much money do you make a week?".

A little surprised... the young man looked at him and said...

"I make $400 a week..... Why?".

The CEO said.... "Wait right here".


He walked back to his office... came back in two minutes..
and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said...

"Here's four weeks' pay.... Now GET OUT and don't come back".

Feeling pretty good about himself... the CEO looked around the
room and asked...

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?".

From across the room a voice said....

"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 24 May 2012, 4:39 am

Andy walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by.

He got into the cab... and the driver said...

"Perfect timing pal.... You're just like "Brian!".

Andy asked... "Who?"

The Cabbie said...."Brian Sullivan.
He's the one guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab... things
happened like that to Brian Sullivan... every single time".

"There are always a few clouds hanging over everyone"....
said Andy.

"Not Brian Sullivan.
What a terrific athlete!.
He could easily have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He golfed with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star
and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy".

"Sounds like he was something really special"...said Andy.

"There's more.
He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine... which foods to order and which fork to
eat them with.
He could fix anything.
Not like me.... I change a fuse.... and the whole street blacks out.

But Brian Sullivan..... he could do everything right".

"Wow"...said Andy.... "Some guy then!".

The driver continued...

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to avoid traffic jams.
Not like me....
I always seem to get stuck in them.

But Brian... he never made a mistake... and he really knew how to treat
a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong....
and his clothing was always immaculate... shoes highly polished too.

He was the perfect man!.
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan".

"What an amazing fellow"...commented Andy.

"How did you meet him?".

The taxi driver replied.....

"Well.... I never actually met Brian...

I married his feckin' widow".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 30 May 2012, 6:33 am


Propur grammar...wot i right.



The difference between knowing your sh?t
and knowing you're sh?t.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 30 May 2012, 9:24 am

Yeah. Isn't english great? One letter and a punctuation make totally change the meaning of three short words ... lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 30 May 2012, 1:48 pm

Rumble {KAN} wrote:
Yeah. Isn't english great? One letter and a punctuation make totally change the meaning of three short words ... lol!
I am confused, i thought "you're" are two words.... geek

_________________
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 30 May 2012, 2:37 pm

TomOnFire {KAN} wrote:
Rumble {KAN} wrote:
Yeah. Isn't english great? One letter and a punctuation make totally change the meaning of three short words ... lol!
I am confused, i thought "you're" are two words.... geek

TomOnFire... It seems. seams. you have Too. To. Two. much time on yer
hands...Sew..So..Sow... There... they're.. their!.


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 30 May 2012, 7:51 pm

TomOnFire {KAN} wrote:
Rumble {KAN} wrote:
Yeah. Isn't english great? One letter and a punctuation make totally change the meaning of three short words ... lol!
I am confused, i thought "you're" are two words.... geek

I'll ask my daughter. She's an english teacher lol!
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PostSubject: The Olympics.   Wed 13 Jun 2012, 7:32 am


A Scotsman.. an Englishman... and an Irishman
turn up to watch the Olympics but they haven't
got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover.. tucks it
under his arm and walks up to the main gate.

"McTavish.. from Scotland".. he says... "Discus".
and in he walks.


The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding
and slings it over his shoulder.

"Waddington-Smythe from England"... he says...
"Pole vault".
and in he walks.


The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of
barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.


"O'Malley...from Ireland... he says.

"Fencing".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 16 Jun 2012, 2:29 pm

After taking off from Winnipeg Airport the plane reached it's comfortable cruising altitude
then the captain made his usual announcement over the intercom...

"Ladies and gentlemen.. this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293.. nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal .

The weather ahead is good.. therefore.. we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight.. Now sit back and....." OH!.... MY GOD!".

Silence followed... and after a few minutes.. the captain came back on the intercom
and said... "Ladies and Gentlemen... I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you.. the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap..... You should see the front of my pants!".

A wee guy from the back of the plane yelled out...

"That's nothing.... You should see the back of mine!".

on that particular flight the pilot had hammered the plane into the runway really hard.

The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited. He would smile... and give them a.. "Thanks for flying our airline".

In light of his bad landing... he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye...
thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She inquired... "Sir... do you mind if I ask you a question?".

"Why no.. Ma'am"... said the pilot.... "What is it?".

"Did we land... or were we shot down?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 27 Jul 2012, 12:16 pm


An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men..are men.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 27 Jul 2012, 8:12 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 27 Jul 2012, 10:08 pm

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis
enlargers... so I did....

She's 21 and her name's Lucy.


I was devastated to find out my wife is having
an affair.

By converting to Islam... I am able to come to
terms with the whole thing.

I'm stoning her in the morning!


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 09 Nov 2012, 1:39 pm

A bloke was standing at the bar when a beautiful woman
sidled up to him.

he leaned over to her and said...

"You remind me of my little toe" .


She replied...

"What?... You Mean I'm small and cute?" .




"No"...he replied.

"Iíll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 09 Nov 2012, 1:59 pm

Our Records indicate that lots of people were once touched up by Jimmy Saville
and could be entitled to £££££ in compensation.

If you're one of his victims... reply to... "how's about that then" .

If you wish to opt out just text ...."stop Jimmy stop".

Register before the end of this month and get a free...

"Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.

New images of three women who claim Jimmy Saville interfered with them
sexually and show a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken
of them from the 1970s.

The caption reads....

Now..then!.. Now..then!.. Now..then !!.


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