scottish humour

Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 06 Feb 2010, 6:45 am

Wee Tam goes up to a blonde
sitting at the bar...

and asks...

"could I smell your privates?".

"Indeed you cannot!"....

she replies indignantly.

"Well"...he says...

"It must be yur feet".

.................................

There is an old Japanese proverb
that says...

Hung Dong Wu Ho Oni Kyo.

Know what It means?.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I'd tell you....

but I don't speak Japanese.

Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 06 Feb 2010, 7:34 am

Two Edinburgh women...

Met for lunch and the topic soon came
around to their love lives.

"Same old thing.. you know"...

said the married one.

"How about you ...Pam?".

With a shy smile...

Pam confessed that she'd been seeing
a really attractive man.

"He's gorgeous..honestly...

really well built and six feet two...

with this thick blonde hair...

and he has his own computer consulting
business...

a beautiful apartment..a nice car...

but the best thing about him is that
he's totally honest and sincere and
straightforward with me".

"WOW!"...exclaimed her friend.

"How come I haven't heard about this
dreamboat until now?".

"There is one small snag"...

admitted Pam with a grimace.

"Ted also makes all his own dresses".

Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 07 Feb 2010, 10:26 am

Wee Tam goes into a bar...

and the piano player is playing the most
beautiful song he has ever heard.

After the song has finished.....

Tam goes over to the piano player and
compliments him on the song.

The piano player says...

"Thanks.

it's an original...I call It....

It gets hard when you stroke it up and down".

Wee Tam is a little bit surprised...but doesn't
say anything.

the piano player says..."If you liked that song..

wait till you hear this"......

he plays another song...even more beautiful
than the last one.

Wee Tam says..."what do you call that one?".

"That one is called......

"I love it when you kiss me there".

The piano player excuses himself to go to the
gents.

When he comes back....

his fly is undone..and his future is hanging out.

Wee Tam says....

"Do you know your fly is open and your future
is hanging out?".

The piano player says...

"Know It....I wrote It!".

Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 09 Feb 2010, 9:29 am

............A wee poem.

.........The Unexpected.

Oh what a sleekit horrible beast
Lurks in your belly after the feast.

As you sit among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The mince an tatties an mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze.

But soon the dinner ate with grace
Will have ye blowing all over the place.

No matter what the hell you dae
A'bodys going to have to pay.

Even as you try to stifle
It's like a bullet out a rifle.

Hold your bum tight to the chair
To try an stop the leaking air.

Shift yersel from cheek to cheek
Pray to God it disnae reek.

But all your efforts go assunder
Out it comes like a clap o' thunder.

Ricochets around the room
Mighty me a sonic boom.

God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvna s**t my breeks.

To the toilet I'd better scurry
Aw what the heck to late to worry.

A'body round about me choking
One or two are nearly boaking.

I'll feel better after a while
Cannae help but raise a smile.

Was him! A shout wi' accusing glower
Alas too late he's jist keeled ower.

Ya dirty lugger they shout and stare
A don't feel welcome any mair.

Where ever you be let yer wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job for me.

Whit a fuss from high and low
Over the sake of one wee blow.

Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:55 pm

A 60-year-old man from Edinburgh has
denied breaching an Asbo which bans him
from dressing up as an air hostess.

He said....

"It couldn't have been me...

as I was a schoolgirl that day".

.............................................

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock
shares one year ago it would now be worth
£4.95.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be
worth less than £5.

But if you bought £1000 worth of cans of Lager
one year ago....

drank it all...

then took the empty cans to an aluminium
re-cycling plant....

you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best
current investment advice is to drink heavily
and re-cycle.

.........................................

I've written the funniest joke ever
about my demise.

The only problem is that it makes
no sense at the moment because
I'm still alive.

I'm quite prepared to bide my time
for a few decades until my life comes
to a natural end...
but if anyone can't wait and wants to
hear the joke now...

and it really is the funniest joke ever...

well here goes....

Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 20 Feb 2010, 1:47 pm

"Whit happened tae you?"....

asked the hospital visitor to the heavily
bandaged Glasgow man sitting up in bed.

"Well....

It was the september weekend holiday
and we all went down to blackpool.

we all went on the big dipper..you know

the biggest ride there...the big one.

as we came to the very top of the
highest loop.. I noticed a wee sign by
the side o' the track.

I tried to read it...

but it was awful wee and I couldn't
make out the words.

so...

we went round again....

but it went past so quickly that I
still couldn't make it out.

by now I was really determined tae
read the wee notice.

so...

we went round again and this time
when we reached the top I stood
up tae read it better".

"And did you manage tae read the
sign this time?"....

asked the visitor.

"Aye..it said....

'Remain seated at all times' ".

Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 20 Feb 2010, 2:07 pm

Jock Strapp was on a train from Inverness
to london.

Just after the train reached the border...

Jock started to whisper to himself...

and then laughed.

sometimes he would raise his hand and
stop talking...

then start again.

the person opposite him in the carriage
eventually could no longer contain
himself and asked....

"Sorry to bother you...but is anything
wrong?".

"No"...replied Jock.

"It's just that I get so sad leaving
Scotland that I cheer myself up by
telling myself jokes".

"And why do you raise your hand
now and again".

"Och...

I only do that to stop myself if
I've heard the joke before".

Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 22 Feb 2010, 12:56 pm

The Birmingham landlady wanted to please her Scottish lodger.

The first day she gave him two slices of bread for his packed
lunch.

He didn't seem satisfied with that..

so she gave him four slices the next day...

and then six the day after that.

By the end of the week she was giving him ten slices....

he still wasn't too happy... even that wasn't enough.

So...

In despair...she cut the loaf in half and put the thickest
ham she could find in between the pieces.

When he came home from work that evening..

she asked...

"Had you enough for your dinner break today Sandy?".

"It wasn't bad he said grudgingly....

but I see your back to the two slices again.

Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 23 Feb 2010, 11:22 am

A number of Scottish soldiers....

Were court martialled for wrecking a
public house and one of their number
was asked to explain to the court how
the trouble had begun.

"Well..Sir..there wasn't much to it really.

It all started when Private MacKechnie
called Private McNeill a liar...

and Private MacNeill hit him over the head
with a chair.

Private Frazer pulled out his knife and cut
a slice out of Private MacNeill's leg.

Two or three of Private MacNeill's friends
piled on to Private Frazer...

and a couple of others started throwing
glasses and tables around.

One thing led to another...

and then the fighting started".

Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 23 Feb 2010, 11:43 am

His cigar...

His suit and everything about him proclaimed
prosperity as he entered a bar in a small town
up in the middle of Iver sporran.

"Well..well"..he said.

"Fifteen years ago I left....

and all I had was
five shillings that wee Sandy loaned me.

Ah'...I suppose that poor Sandy has passed
on by now...how I wish I could meet him".

"Here I am!......here I am!.

I'm still living here"...

said Sandy eagerly as
he pushed his way forward.

"I'm so glad to see you...Sandy....

and I was going to ask if you wouldn't mind
lending me fifteen shillings to make it an
even pound I owe you".

Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 02 Mar 2010, 12:29 pm

Wee Hughie was quite a character....

And this was his umpteenth appearance
for poaching...salmon no less.

His friend's were so worried that they hired a
very able young lawyer who very convincingly
proved his client's innocence...

He hadn't been within ten miles of the river.

The case was dismissed and everybody was
happy except hughie who asked of the
magistrate....

"And does that mean I can keep the fish..Sir?".

Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 02 Mar 2010, 1:11 pm

Jock McGillvery...

The ventriloquist...

Was momentarily out of work and had gone
to spend a few days at his sister's place.

He was on his way down for his morning
dram when a big shaggy dog fell in at his
side.

Jock gave him a friendly pat and motioned
him to run along...but the dog persisted in
following him.

When he got to the local pub...the brute
was still with him...sitting at his heel as
he ordered his drink.

For a laugh jock looked down at him and
said....

"Well...and are you having your usual?".

"Oh...no thanks...I've had enough this
morning"...the dog appeared to say.

The barman was flabbergasted....

Especially as the conversation went on
for quite a time.

When his wits did return he made jock an
immediate offer of £30 pounds.

"Not on your life!"...said jock...still having
his fun.

"Man...I've had him since he was a pup
and a better friend you couldn't find".

There were nods of approval from the
now crowded bar....

but the barman was a persistent fellow
and raised his offer to £50 pounds.

Jock shook his head...and then it came...

"£100 pounds?".

Jock was startled.

He put on a woebegone expression.

"Man"...he said..

"being out of work I'd be daft to refuse.

Quick...let's have the money afore I change
my mind".

"Mind now"...he added...making for the door...

"Take good care of him".

With a last look at the dog ...he said...

"Farewell... old pal!".

"Old pal...my aunt fannie!"...was the withering
reply...

"After what you've just done I'll never speak
to another human as long as I live!".

Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 02 Mar 2010, 1:34 pm

A true scot is a man who never sends his pyjamas
to the laundry unless he has a pair of socks stuck
in the pockets.
--------------

A rare form of the highland fling is a drunken
aberdonian throwing money all over the street.
--------------

Then there was the reunion of old friends.

The Englishman brought a case of beer.

The Irishman brought an enormous cooked ham.

And the Scotsman brought his brother.
---------------

And what about the three Scotsmen who
were found drowned in a loch?.

Turned out that they had bet each other
a shilling as to who could stay under longest...

winner take all.

Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 03 Mar 2010, 2:27 pm

Many years ago....

A middle aged farmer from Inversporran
married a pretty young thing and were
driving home after the wedding reception.

Suddenly the horse reared up on it's hind
legs.

"Whoa there lass!"...he cautioned.

"That's once!".

A few minutes later it reared up again.

"Whoa...lass...dammit!"...he yelled.

"That's twice!".

When the horse reared up for the third
time he picked up his gun...

walked round to it and without a word
shot it right between the eyes.

His young bride was horrified.

"You big bully!"...she shouted....

"Just because the poor animal.....

"Whoa ....there...lass!"...he responded.

"That's once!".

Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 03 Mar 2010, 2:47 pm

Rab was due to speak at a meeting in
the village hall and was very anxious
to make a good impression.

To his horror...a few minutes before
the meeting opened he broke his
artificial teeth.

"Don't worry about that"....said one
of the platform party....

"I've got a friend who'll fix you up...
no bother".

Off he went and in a few minutes
returned with a choice of dentures
for the unfortunate speaker.

Rab was delighted to find a set which
fitted so well and saw him through the
evening successfully.

"That must be a wonderful Dentist
friend you have"...he said afterwards.

"To be able to fix me up like that".

"My friend is not a Dentist"...came the
reply.....

"He's an undertaker".

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