|
|
| Author | Message |
|---|
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
 Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
 |  Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 28 Jan 2010, 12:42 pm | |
| Big Sandy....
walked into a fish and chip shop.
"I want 10 pence worth of chips....
please.
I want lots of salt and vinegar
on them...
and two pence worth of pickled onions.
And wrap the whole lot in today's newspaper".
....................................................Angus called in to see his friend Donald....
to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls.
Rather obviously....
he remarked.
"You're decorating.. I see".
to which Donald replied ...
"Naw.....
I'm moving hoose". ............................................MacDonald was awarded £10.000 pounds...
for injuries received after a traffic accident
and his wife got £2.000 pounds.
A friend asked how badly injured his wife
had been in the accident.
MacDonald replied....
"Och.....
she wasn't injured....
but I had the presence of mind to kick her
in the leg A'fore the polis arrived". .............................................................You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean.
There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an
Aberdonian which said....
"If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen.....
I shall stop borrowing your paper". ......................................."Alcohol is your trouble"....
said the judge to the drunk.
"Alcohol alone is responsible for your
present predicament".
The drunk looked pleased as he said....
"Thank you... your lordship.
Everyone else says it's my fault!". ..........................................In Scotland ....
a seven course meal.....
is a bottle of whisky and a six-pack of beer. .................................................
Sandy and his pal Angus....
lived in identical tenement flats in Glasgow.
One night at the pub Sandy mentioned he had
just papered the kitchen.
Angus said....
"I've been wanting tae dae that!....
How much wallpaper did ye get?"
"Seven rolls"....
said Sandy.
A week later they met again and
Angus says...
"Here you!.....
I had two rolls of wallpaper left
over after I finished my kitchen".
"Aye"....
says Sandy....
"So did I". ...........................................A Glasgow scientist....
who cloned a sheep....
decided secretly to create a duplicate of
himself by cloning.
He did so...
but to his surprise...
his clone would only talk in the most
depraved and obscene language.
Not only could he not take him anywhere
in public...
people mistook the clone for him....
and he was asked to resign from his golf
club....
and the scientists lunch club.
In despair....
the scientist lured his clone up to the
top of Ben Nevis....
and pushed him off the summit to his death.
However....
he was seen doing this.
(there are always crowds at the top of Ben Nevis).
The police came for him.
In vain....
he protested that it was only his own creation
he had disposed of.
"No sir"....
said the policeman.
"It's a serious offence.
We're arresting you for making
an obscene clone fall".  |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 28 Jan 2010, 1:00 pm | |
| One foggy night in the North-west Atlantic.....
two lights are heading directly for one another...
and on the radio an American voice is heard saying...
"We suggest you alter course by 10 degrees to port".
Back comes the reply....
"We suggest....
You alter course by 10 degrees to port!".
Then the American voice says....
"This is the battleship USS Missouri....
leading the American Atlantic battle fleet.
You....
had better alter course by 10 degrees to port!".
Back comes the reply....
"This is the Outer Hebrides lighthouse....
but it's your call..... pal".  |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 28 Jan 2010, 1:06 pm | |
| A visitor to the Isle of Lewis.....
was getting exasperated by day after day
of grey cloud and drizzling rain.
After two weeks of this he asked a youngster
who was passing.....
"Does the weather here ever change?".
to which the youngster replied .....
"I don't know.
I'm only ten years old".  |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 30 Jan 2010, 8:16 pm | |
| Three men of God...
were asked the same question.
"When does life begin?".
The Catholic priest answered...
"At the moment of conception".
The Anglican vicar replied...
"When the child is born".
And the rabbi said...
"When the children are married and
the mortgage has been paid off".  |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| |
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 01 Feb 2010, 6:12 am | |
| How Do You Keep A fool In Suspense?....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.I'll Tell You After!. |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 02 Feb 2010, 8:33 am | |
| Among many other attractions...
The travelling circus featured Wanda the Wonderous...
a faith healer who claimed the ability to heal any malady
slight or serious..real or Imagined.
She usually drew a big crowd...
from which she would select a few people on whom to
practice her healing skills.
Among the unfortunate..one friday night.....
were Cecily Sussman..on crutches due to a congenital
spinal malformation....
And Irving Bland..who had suffered from a terrible lisp
all his life.
"Cecily and Irving"......said Wanda.
"Do you wish to be healed?".
"Yeth...ma'am"...said Irving.......
and Cecily nodded vigorously.
Wanda motioned them behind a purple velvet curtain
and proceeded to chant and pray..grinding powders
together and swaying before the audience.
Finally she intoned......
"Cecily...throw out your left crutch".
A crutch came sailing over the curtain.
"Cecily...throw out your right crutch".
A second crutch clattered to the floor at the healer's
feet.
"Now...Irving"...asked the woman solemnly....
"Say something to the audience".
Irving's voice came clearly from behind the purple
curtain.
"Thethily Thuthman jutht fell on her ath". |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 02 Feb 2010, 12:02 pm | |
| How can you tell when a
Scotsman is well hung?.
When you can barely slip two fingers
in between his neck and the noose.  |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 02 Feb 2010, 12:19 pm | |
| What's six inches long...
two inches wide...
and drives women wild?..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Money!. |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 02 Feb 2010, 12:37 pm | |
| I'd like to meet a woman
who is decent...god-fearing..
well educated..smart..
sincere...respectful...
treats me as an equal...
has a great body....
has the same interests
in life as me.
Now....
I don't think that's too much
to ask of a Billionairess...
Do You?.  |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 02 Feb 2010, 3:43 pm | |
| Two Scottish farmers...
were boasting about the strongest winds
they'd encountered.
"On ma farm in Aberdeenshire"...said one..
"We had one of the strongest gales ever.
ma cows were blown from one end of
the field to the ither".
"That's nothin"..said the other.
"Back on ma farm in IsLay...
We had a terrible storm one day that blew
at well over one hundred miles an hour.
It was so bad...
wan o' ma hens turned her back tae the
wind and laid the same egg six times".  |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 03 Feb 2010, 3:19 pm | |
| The priest was talking to
little mary.
"I understand from your
mummy...
that god is sending you a
little baby brother or sister".
"Yes.
and my daddy says that
god alone knows where
the money is going to
come from".........................................It was the banker's first time
in prison..and he was allocated
a cell to share with a huge brute
of a man.
"Ah'm in for a white collar crime
too"......
the man said.
"Oh really".......
replied the banker with great relief.
"Aye....
Ah strangled ma minister!"..............................................Jamie was at the doctor for a check up.
"So...how many children do you have
now...Jamie?"....
asked the doctor.
"I've got twelve...doctor.
not a bad number for a life's work..Eh?".
"It's about time you thought about your
wife.....Jamie.
she's getting on.....you know.
any more children might kill her".
"Don't you worry...doc.
we'll not have any more.
if she has anymore I'll go hang masel'!".
Three months later Jamie's wife told him
she was pregnant again.
So while she was out one day....
he went into the garage....
and slung a rope around one of the beams.
As he was standing on a chair with the rope
around his neck....
A thought entered his head which quickly
made him remove the rope.
"Haud on a wee minute".....
he said to himself.
"Whit if ah'm hanging the wrong man!". |
|
| | |
Mono {KAN}
Rambo KAN
Number of posts: 2825
Age: 49
City/Country: Stockholm Sweden
: Moderator
: Forum Admin
: Raqe quitters anonymous
Fav MP game: L4D2
Fav MP map: N/A
Fav SP game: N/A
Xfire: No, deleted it
TeamSpeak: No, I don't believe in team
Registration date: 2007-10-05
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 03 Feb 2010, 4:58 pm | |
| Happily Married Biker
Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!" |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 04 Feb 2010, 1:08 am | |
| |
|
| | |
skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 05 Feb 2010, 10:55 am | |
| They have just tested the water supply in glasgowand found traces of estrogen and anti-depressants.So...It's nice to know my grandson's going to grow upand have huge breasts....but it's not going to bother him that much. |
|
| | |
|
