A Mexican...an Irishman...an African...

A kilted Scotsman...a Priest...two lesbians...

and a Nun.. walk into a bar.

The landlord looks up and says.......

"What the hell is this?....

some kind of joke?".

Sandy and Tam...

decided to start their own brewery
up in the wilds of Scotland.

After several months of careful work...

and blending of the product...

they came up with a golden straw like
colour...

with a good head...

and strong flavour of hops.

they sent it to the chemical lab for testing...

and after waiting several weeks
the analysis came back.

It read...

"Dear sirs..

our analysis of the sample sent to us indicates
that your horse has diabetes".

A dark haired woman was sitting in a pub...

wearing an armless top.

She never.. ever.. shaved her armpits so...

as a result...

she had a thick black bush under each arm.

Every twenty minutes or so...

she would raise her arm to signal to the barman
to pour her another drink.

This went on all evening.

Towards the end of the night..

a wee kilted Scotsman at the end of the bar...

pointed at her and said to the barman...

"Hey... I'd like ta' buy the ballarina a drink.

Whit's she drinkin?".

The barman replied...

"She's no a ballarina".

the wee Scot said...

"Come aff it..

any lass that can lift her legs that high

has ta' be a ballerina!".

"I was in a very generous mood today"...

said the lady from Edinburgh.

"I gave twenty pounds to a miserable old
beggar".

"My goodness"....

replied her pal.

"That's a lot of money.

what did your husband say?".

"Oh..he just said...

Thank you dear".
.....................................

"Will there be anything you wish...

sir"...

asked the waiter from the Glasgow
hotel's room service.

"No thanks....

that will be all".

As the waiter turned to leave he noticed
a sheer negligee on a chair.

"What about your wife...

sir.

anything for her?".

"Oh good idea!.....

could you get me a postcard and stamp...

Please".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A wealthy Edinburgh couple are preparing to
go out for the evening to a swanky cocktail
party.

The woman of the house gives her butler..
Thomas the night off....

saying that they intend to return home very
late and she hopes that he'll enjoy his evening.

later that evening...

the lady of the manor isn't having a good time
at the party...

so she decides to go home early......alone.

his lordship stays on...

socializing with important business clients.

As the woman walks into her house...

she finds Thomas...

by himself in the dining room.

She calls for him to follow her into the
master bedroom.

In a voice he knows he must obey....

she says....

"Thomas....

I want you to take off my dress".

This he does...

hanging it carefully
over a chair.

"Thomas"......

she continues....

"Take off my stockings and garter
belt".

Again Thomas silently obeys.

"Now..Thomas... I want you to
remove my bra and panties".

Eyes downcast.... Thomas obeys.

By this point....

both are breathing heavily....

the tension mounting between them.

She looks sternly at him and says...

"Thomas.....

If I ever catch you wearing my stuff
again....

I'll fire you!".

The pipe band was playing in the street
and one of their members was doing a
door to door collection.

One door was opened by a very old
Scottish lady.

"I'm collecting for the Inverboogle
World Famous District Pipe Band".

"WHIT!".....

she said..holding her hand to her ear.

"I'm collecting for the Inverboogle
World Famous District Pipe Band".

"It's nae use.. son.

Ah cannae hear a word".

The man turned on his heel....

muttering....

"Ach...tae hell wi ye".

The old lady Immediately replied....

"Aye...and tae hell with the Inverboogle
pipe band!".

An eighty seven year old man
was very proud of his daughters.

but he was anxious to see them
married before he passed away.

One night in the pub he said to
the lads...

"My youngest..Kirsty..she's a
good looking girl of twenty five.

I'll give her twenty five thousand
pounds when she marries.

Then there's Helen who is
thirty nine....

when she marries I'll give her
thirty nine thousand pounds.

Finally....

There's my eldest..Mary who
is forty six.

When she marries I'll give her
forty six thousand pounds".

A wee scot in the group piped
up.

"Ye widnae happen tae have wan
between sixty and seventy?".

One Sunday morning..

The priest announced to the
Inverness congregation..

"I have here in my hands..

three sermons.

A fifty pounds sermon...

that lasts for five minutes.

A twenty pounds sermon..

that lasts for forty minutes.

and a two pounds sermon...

that lasts for an hour and a
half.

now.... we'll take a collection...

and see which one I deliver!".

Wee Sandy goes into a Chemist shop and asks a
woman....

"Could I see the Pharmacist".

The woman asked if she could help.

Sandy said that he didnae want to appear to be rude...

but could he speak ta a male pharmacist.

The woman told him that she and her sister owned the business
and that they were the only two pharmacists there.

Sandy said that he was too embarrassed to discuss his problem with
a woman.. and that he had the same trouble.. regarding his doctor..
who was also a woman.

Now very curious as to this good looking young man's problem of an
embarrassing nature..

the lady pharmacist assured him of their absolute professionalism and
discretion in all their dealings with their highly valued customers.

Finally convinced... Sandy... somewhat reluctantly...

told her of his problem.

"I huv a permanent erection..Aw' day..an Aw' night.

nothin... absolutely nothin that I dae. including having sex marathons...

hae the slightest effect upon it.

Can you gie me onything fur it.

"The pharmacist said...

"Just a moment... I'll consult with my sister.

"After a very short time she re-appeared and said.


"We feel sure that we can manage free board and lodgings

fifty pounds a week... tax free.

plus a sizeable productivity bonus....

starting immediately".

The Scottish Executive has brought out
a series of evening classes specifically
designed for the Scottish man.

It is an Intensive seven week course
with a diploma issued on completion.

Week one.

The toilet roll.....does it change Itself?.

Week two...

Is it possible to urinate using the technique
of lifting the seat..avoiding the floor..walls..
and bath?.

Week three.

Dirty dishes...can they levitate and fly
into the dishwasher by themselves?.

Week four.

Loss of Identity..allowing the TV remote
to be used by other people.

Week five.
Learning to find things..starting with looking
in the right place..and not turning the house
upside down..while shouting.

Week six.

Is it genetically Impossible to sit quietly...
while your wife parks the car?.

Week seven.

The Dishwasher..Cooker..and Oven...
what are they and how do they work?.

The Bishop Instructed his priests that
they must be innovative.

congregations were falling...

modern methods must be considered.

however..
two months later the Bishop had cause
to phone one of his priests.

"Father Michael...

your idea of a twenty four hour drive
through confessional is wonderful.

shift workers can use the service as
they go to..or come back from work.

however..I would like you to consider
one small change".

"To be sure now..and what would that
be Bishop?"...asked Father Michael.

"It's regarding that flashing neon sign.

It certainly is effective and catches the
eye.

but it has to go...I'm afraid.

TOOT AND TELL OR GO TO HELL!..

is just a wee bit over the top!".

"I wouldn't wurry aboot yur son
playing with dolls"...

said the Old Aberdonian doctor to
the middle aged matron.

"It's no me that's worried"...
said the matron.

"It's his wife!".

One night....

Judge O'brian tottered into his house..
very late..and very drunk indeed..

so far gone that he managed
to throw up all over himself.

In the morning..

he sheepishly told his wife that a drunk
sitting next to him on the train home
had managed to vomit all over him.

later..

the judge managed to make it
into the courthouse...

where..

it occurred to him that his story
might not have been very convincing
to his wife.

Inspired..he called home and said...

"Honey...you won't believe this...

but I just had the drunk who threw up
on me last night show up in court...

so I gave him thirty days Imprisonment".

"You should have given him sixty days"..

said the judges wife.

"He sh*t in your pants..too".