A professor at the University of Glasgow
is giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience...he asks..

"How many people here believe in ghosts?".

About ninety students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?".

About forty students raise their hands.

"That's really good.
I'm really glad your all taking this seriously.

has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?".

About fifteen students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?".

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic".

"Now let me ask you one question more.

have any of you ever made love to a ghost?".

Way in the back..Andy raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses...looks
at Andy... and says...

"Sir..in all the years I've been giving this
lecture...no one has ever claimed to have
made love to a ghost.
you've got to come up here and tell us about
your experience".

Andy nods and grins...and begins to make his way
up to the podium.

When he reaches the front of the room.....
the professor says...

"So..Andy...tell us all..what's it like to have sex
with a ghost?".

"AWWW....HELL!...from way back there.....

I THOUGHT YOU SAID... GOATS!".

An Auld Scotsman had died.

The funeral was in progress
and the minister was talking
at some length about the good
life of the dearly departed...

what an honest man he had
been...

what a loving husband
and kind father...

and how his poor family would
miss him.

Finally...

unable to cope any longer...

the widow whispered to her eldest
son...

"Jis' pop on up there for a
minute....

and hae a look in that coffin.....

will ye?.

I want to be sure it's yur
faither that's in there".

Wee Sandy turned to his wife
and suggested....

"Let's go out and have some
fun tonight".

"OKAY"...replied his wife
enthusiastically...

"But if you get home before I
do....

leave the hallway light on".

Once upon a time a Scotsman..

an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the
Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America.

They have been tied up against their respective totem
poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the
Englishman...
pinched the skin of his upper arm and said..

"Hmmm.. heap good skin...nice and thick.
Will make heap good canoe.

You gotum last request?".

"That case of gin I had when your boys caught me.
I'd like that"..
says the Englishman.

He's provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee
for his final night.

The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin.

In the morning the Indians dispatch him...
skin him and make him into a canoe.

The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock.

Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman..
pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says...

"Hmmm.. heap.. heap good skin.. very.. very thick.
Will make heap... heap good canoe.

You gotum last request?".

"Oi'd like me guiness back"..
says the Irishman.

He's provided with his guiness and taken off to a teepee
for his final night.

The Irishman drinks eighteen bottles of guiness.

He's already dead when the Indians come to collect him
the next morning.

They skin him and make him into a canoe.

The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a branch.

Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman...
pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says..

"Hmmm.. heap.. heap.. heap.. heap good skin..
very.. very.. very... thick. Will make heap.. heap..
heap... good canoe.

You gotum last request?

"Ah' want a fork"...
says the Scotsman.

The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him a
fork.

The Scotman takes the fork..
stabs himself repeatedly shouting..

"Ye'll no be makin' a canoe oot o' me!".

lady Farquarson is giving a party
for her daughters birthday...
and has gone to great expense.

She has in caterers...
A band...
and hired a clown.

Just before the party starts...
two tramps show up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the tramps...

the woman tells them that they can have a free
meal if they will chop some wood at the back of
the mansion.

Gratefully..
they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive..
and all is going well with the children having a
wonderful time.

But...
the clown has not shown up.

The clown calls to report that he is stuck in
traffic...
and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully
tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of
the tramps doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches...
does mid-air flips..
and leaps high in the air.

She calls over to the other tramp and says...

"What your friend is doing is absolutely wonderful.

I have never seen such a thing.

Do you think your friend would consider repeating this
performance for the children at the party?....

I would pay him £50 pounds!".

The tramp replies...

"Well...

I don't know....

Let me ask him.

HEY WILLIE!....

FOR £50 QUID....

WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?".

McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle. One of his tickets won a 1,000 pound prize. He was asked how he felt about his big win. "Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"


always cracks me up that one

Good Joke

Told that he was being transferred
to Glasgow...a London office worker
said he would rather quit his job than
move there.

"What's the problem?"...asked his boss.

"You'll be getting a big salary increase
and much improved benefits.
I thought you'd jump at the chance".

"It's the crime rate"...explained the
worker.

"I just wouldn't feel safe taking my
wife and kids to such a violent city".

"That's nonsense"....said the boss.

"Glasgow is a fantastic city......

Steeped in history.......with great
museums....excellent public transport
and it's close to Edinburgh.
I myself worked in Glasgow for ten
years...and in all that time I never
had a problem with crime".

"What did you do there?"......
asked the worker.

"I was tail gunner on a bread truck".

An Englishman went to a small hotel
in the scottish highlands and ordered
a whisky.

"That will be ten pence".......
said the landlord.

"TEN PENCE!"...
exclaimed the Englishman.

"That's amazingly cheap.
A whisky would cost me thirty times
that in LONDON!".

"Aye"...said the landlord.

"But the folks round here willnae pay
prices like that".

The Englishman took his drink...
and sat down at a table.

Two old men were playing dominoes
on the next table...

and he couldn't help noticing that
neither of them had a drink.

"Why aren't you fellows drinking?"...
he asked.

"The prices here are an absolute
bargain".

"Is that so?"......
said one of the old men.

"Well...a Londoner might call them
a bargain....
but Hamish and I are waiting for
Happy Hour".

Doris and Fred had started their retirement
years and decided to raise some extra cash
by advertising for a tenant for their terrace
house.

After a few days..
a young attractive woman applied for the room
and explained that she was a model working in a
nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and
that she would like the room from Mondays to
Thursdays...
but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and agreed she
could move in straight away.

"There's just one problem"..
explained the model.

"Because of my job..
I have to take a bath every night..
and I notice you don't have a bath".

"That's not a problem"..
replied Doris.

"We have a tin bath out in the yard and we
bring it in to the living room in front of the
fire and fill it with hot water".

"What about your husband?"..
asked the model.

"Oh..
he plays darts most weekdays..
so he will be out in the evenings"...
replied Doris.

"Good"...
said the model.

"Now that that's settled...
I'll go to the studio and see you tonight".

That evening..
Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared the bath for the model.

After stripping off...
the model stepped into the bath.

Doris was amazed to see that she had no hair.

The model noticed Doris's staring eyes..

so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job
to shave herself...

especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned..

Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.

"It's true...
I tell you!"...
said Doris.

"Look...

if you don't believe me..

tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open
and you can peek in and see for yourself".

The next night...

Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath
for the model.

As the model stepped naked into the bath...

Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed
towards the model's naked area.

Then she lifted up her skirt and..
wearing no panties...
pointed to her own privates.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well...

do you believe me now?"...
she asked Fred.

"Yes"...

he replied.

"I've never seen anything like it in my life.

But why did you lift up your skirt and show
yourself?".

"Just to show you the difference"....
answered Doris.

"But I guess you've seen me millions of times".

"Yes"..

said Fred...

"I have ...

but the rest of the dart team hadn't".

Father Murphy was very upset
with the growing amount of his
flock confessing adultery.

During one Sunday sermon he
told them...

"If one more person confesses
to adultery in the next year...

I'll resign!".

Since everyone liked him...
they thought up the code word....

"fallen".

So anyone who committed adultery
from then on said they had...

"fallen".

This satisfied the old priest and the
parishioners.

Everything was fine for months...

but the priest up and passed away.

A new young priest arrived and settled
in quite quickly.

he paid a call on the mayor.

The priest was quite concerned.

"You have to do something about the
pavements in this town.

You wouldn't believe how many people
come to confession talking about having
fallen!".

The mayor started to laugh...

realizing that no one had explained their
code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain..

the priest shook his finger at the mayor..

and said...

"I don't know why you're laughing...

your wife fell three times last week!".

The Rabbi rose with an ashen face.

"Someone in this congregation has spread
a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.

This is a horrible lie and one which the Jewish
community cannot tolerate!.

I am so embarrassed and do not intend to
accept this.

Now....

I want the party who did this to stand and ask for
forgiveness from God and our Jewish community".

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued....

"Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood?.

Remember....

you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel
relief.

Now stand and confess your transgression!".

Again all was quiet.

Slowly....

a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde rose in the third pew.

Her head was bowed.....

and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Rabbi.......

there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan...

I just told a couple of my closest friends that you were

a wizard under the sheets".

Did you hear about the two Scotsmen
who were stopped by the police for
being drunk and disorderly?.

It turned out that the first had been
drinking battery acid and the second
had been swallowing fireworks.

One was charged....

and the other was let off.

you must have been a comedian at one time IRL Skin.