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Lady of Winter {KAN}
Queen of the P90 - shooter of the AK47. Claymore expert
 Number of posts: 1490
Age: 44
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I miss BOG!!
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Xfire: ladyofwinter
TeamSpeak: 1st Lady {KAN}
Registration date: 2008-03-15
 |  Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 01 Jan 2010, 11:15 am | |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
 Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 02 Jan 2010, 7:40 am | |
| A Glasgow businessman went to the far east
on important work related business..and three
months later after arriving home..he found that
he'd contracted a strange disease in the genital
region.
He goes to the doctor who...after a thorough
examination..informs him that he's got no choice
but to amputate.
"I refuse to believe that's the only option".....
says the Scot.
"I shall consult another physician".
So..the Scot sees numerous doctors all over Europe
and north America...but they all come to the same
conclusion.
His member has to be chopped off.
Just when he's about to accept the doctor's verdict
however...he has a brainwave.
If it's an Oriental...Far Eastern disease...he figures..
then why doesn't he consult an oriental doctor?.
An appointment is made with the finest doctor in
Glasgow's chinatown.
After a full examination the Oriental doctor says to
him....
"No I don't think amputation is necessary".
The Scot is over the moon.
"Brilliant!.
I saw dozens of doctors from Europe and America
and they all said amputation was the only way".
"Pah!..Western doctors!"...says the Chinese doctor
with disdain.
"What do they know?...any doctor worth his salt
could tell you...
That It'll drop off by Itself in four to six weeks!".
Last edited by skinman {kan} on Tue 12 Jan 2010, 7:28 am; edited 1 time in total |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 02 Jan 2010, 8:08 am | |
| Wee Sandy thinks he's old enough
to start swearing.
So..when he comes down for breakfast..
his mum wishes him a guid morning..
and asks him....
"whit he'd like fur his breakfast"...
Sandy replies....
"Ah'd like some Fu**ing cornflakes".
Obviously...his mum's outraged.
"Go ta yur room noo!"...she screams.
Once he's gone...she turns to Sandy's brother..
Andy..and asks him whit he'd like fur breakfast.
"Well.... says Andy.
"I'm definitely no huvin the fu**in cornflakes!".
Last edited by skinman {kan} on Sat 02 Jan 2010, 10:19 am; edited 2 times in total |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 02 Jan 2010, 8:47 am | |
| A man decided to take a day off work
and go drinking.
He stays until the pub closes.......
by which time he is well and truly drunk.
When he gets home...he doesn't want to
wake anybody up....
So...he takes off his shoes and starts tip
toeing up the stairs.
Half way up..though..he falls arm over apex
and lands flat on his backside.
to make matters worse..the two bottles of
wine he had in his back pockets smash...
carving up his rear end terribly.
Because he's so pissed..though...he doesn't
realise how badly he's hurt himself until he
gets to his room and starts undressing.
Realising that he's bleeding...he checks
himself out in the mirror and...
sure enough...his behind is cut up something
terrible.
Well...he repairs the damage as best he can
under the circumstances...and goes to bed.
The next morning..his head aching...and his
bum throbbing...he's lying there under the
covers...trying to think up a good story...
when his wife comes into the bedroom.
"Well...you really tied one on last night"...
she says.
"Where'd you go?".
"I was working late"..he replies...
"And I stopped off for a couple of pints".
"A couple of pints?...that's a laugh"...
she shouts.
"You got plastered last night".
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last
night?"...he shouts back.
"Well"..she replies....
"My first clue was when I got up this morning
and found a load of plasters stuck on the mirror!". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 03 Jan 2010, 1:01 am | |
| As a Christmas present...
the laird gave Tam...the gamekeeper..
a deerstalker.
Tam was most appreciative...
and wore the hat every day.
When it was particularly cold and windy..
he pulled the flaps down to keep his ears warm.
Then one day the laird noticed he was not wearing
the hat.
"Where’s the hat?"...he asked.
"I’ve given up wearing it.. since the accident"...
said tam.
"Accident?...
I didn’t know you had had an accident".
"Och.. aye.
A man offered me a nip o' whisky..
and I had the earfiaps doon and
never heard him.  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 03 Jan 2010, 1:15 am | |
| At the Highland Games in Blair Atholl...Perthshire...
a strong looking but clearly elderly man put his
name down for the caber-tossing competition.
He gave his age as seventy.
"Don’t you think you’re a bit old?"...
said one of the stewards.
"Not a bit... not a bit.
My father was going to enter...
but he had to go and be best man at my grandfather’s
wedding".
"And how old is your grandfather?".
"Och.. he’s a hundred and seven".
"Fancy wanting to get married at that age"...
said the steward.
"Och.. he didn’t want to.. at all.
He had to"...said the man.  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 03 Jan 2010, 1:43 am | |
| Edward Longshanks...
(Edward I of England)...
travels North to conquer the Scots... and he brings 4,000 men with him.
As he nears the battlefield... suddenly there appears a solitary figure on
the crest of the hill.
It is a short.. ginger haired man in a kilt.
"Hammer o' the Scots?"... He yells!.
"Come up here.. ya English fools... and I'll give ye a hammerin!"
"Edward turns to his commander...
"Send 20 men to deal with that upstart.. there's a good chap!"... he says.
The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the
Scotsman.
Ten minutes later... at the crest of the hill.. the little Scot appears again.
"Ya English Bampots!"... he yells.
"Come on the rest of you!.. Come on.. I'll have ye all".
Edward is now very annoyed.
He turns to his commander and says...
"Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!".
The commander sends a hundred men over the hill to do the job.
Ten minutes later..the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more...
his hair all sticking up..his shirt a wee bit torn.
"Ya English SCUM!"... he yells.
"I'm just warming up!.. Come and get me.. ya English gits!".
Edward losses patience.
"Commander... take 400 men and WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!"..he yells.
The commander gulps... but leads four hundred men on horseback over the
crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later.. the little Scotsman is back.
His clothing is all torn..his face is covered in blood.
"Is that the best ye can do?".. You're bloody Wimmen!.. Come on.....
Come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!".. he yells.
Edward turns to his second in command.
"Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him"....
he commands.
The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to
their fate.
Ten minutes later..one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill.
He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn.
"Your Majesty!".. he yells.
"It's a trap!...
There's TWO of them!"  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
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Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 03 Jan 2010, 2:06 am | |
| A group of Americans were touring Scotland.
One of the women in the group was a real pain ...
constantly complaining.
"The bus seats are uncomfortable.
The food is terrible.
It's too hot.
It's too cold.
It's too rainy.
The hotel accommodations are awful".
The group arrived at Scone Palace...
the site of the famous Stone of Destiny.
"Good luck will be following you all your days if you
kiss the Stone"... the guide said.
"Unfortunately...it's being cleaned today.....
so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow".
"We can't be here tomorrow"....
the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone".
"Well now"... the guide said...
"it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed
the stone.... you'll have the same good fortune".
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone"....
the woman scoffed.
"No... ma'am".... the frustrated guide said...
"but I've sat on it". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
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Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 03 Jan 2010, 1:21 pm | |
| A man named Maurice was appearing on
the television quiz show..."Who wants to
be a Millionaire?".
Against all the odds...he had reached the
$125.000 mark..but he had only one life
left..which was to phone a friend.
"You've done really well to get this far...
Maurice"...said the quizmaster.
"the next question is for $250.000 if you
decide to play.
Are you ready?".
"Yes"..nodded Maurice.
"On screen is a photograph of a famous
American sportsman as a baby.
For $250.000.. which sportsman is it?".
Maurice studied the picture on the screen.
"I'm pretty sure It's Jack Nicklaus".....
he said.
"Yes...It's Jack Nicklaus the golfer...I'm sure it is...
But I'd like to phone a friend to check".
"Ok"...said the quizmaster.
"Who are you going to phone?".
"My best pal Ed..who like me.. is a native
of St John's...Newfoundland".
The phone rang and Ed picked it up at the
other end.
The quizmaster explained the situation to Ed
and Maurice told him to look at the TV and
tell him which famous American sportsman
was being shown as a baby.
Without any hesitation..Ed replied..."that's
Arnold Palmer the worlds best golfer.
Definitely".
Maurice looked concerned.
"Are you sure..Ed..because I'm convinced It's
Jack Nicklaus?".
"No"....said Ed.
"That's Arnold Palmer..without a shadow of a doubt".
"Well"...the quizmaster said to Maurice.
"You've used your last lifeline....
so now I need your answer".
"ok"..said Maurice nervously.
"Despite what my pal Ed says...
I've got to go with my Instincts.
from the moment I saw the photo..I was certain it
was Jack Nicklaus...so I'm going with Jack Nicklaus".
"You know you don't have to play..and that if you
get it wrong...you lose $93.000?".
"Yes..I know"...said Maurice.
"But I'm going to play..
I'm sure It's Jack Nicklaus.. the golfer".
"Not Arnold Palmer?"...queried the quizmaster.
"No...Jack Nicklaus".
"Final answer?".
The quizmaster took a deep breath.
"I'm so sorry..Maurice..that is the wrong answer.
You've just lost $93.000".
Maurice held his head in his hands.
As the quizmaster handed him his cheque for $32.000
and the audience started to applaud sympathetically...
Maurice asked...
"So what was the correct answer?"....It's killing me!".
The quizmaster replied..."Mike Tyson".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
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Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 05 Jan 2010, 9:52 am | |
| The BBC. Interviewer was doing a programme
on the derivations of place names.
She stopped a woman in George Street....
in Edinburgh.
Excuse me madam...but do you know why
Edinburgh is so called?".
The reply came....
"I'll have you know it is warmer than Glasgow!".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
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Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 05 Jan 2010, 10:10 am | |
| The prosecuting lawyer was cross-examining the
murderess.
"And after you poisoned the porridge and your
husband sat at breakfast partaking of the fatal
cereal...did you not have any qualms?".
"Did you not feel the slightest pity for this man
who had been a good husband to you for thirty
years...who was about to die and was totally
unaware of it?".
"Well... I suppose there was one moment when
I felt a wee bit sorry for him".
"And just when was that?".
"When he asked for a second plateful".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 05 Jan 2010, 11:07 am | |
| A man with a winking problem applied for
a job with a large company.
The Interviewer told him....
"Your qualifications and experience are ideal.
however a sales rep must have good social
skills and your constant winking would
embarrass and scare off potential customers".
"Hold on"...said the applicant.
"If I just take two aspirin I stop winking".
"Really...can you demonstrate this?".
The applicant reached into his pockets.
In every one he pulled out packet after packet
of condoms.
Eventually he found his aspirin...and after taking
two stopped winking.
"Very Interesting"...said the interviewer.
"However this is a respectable company and we
do not employ womanisers".
"I'm not a womaniser.
I'm a happily married man".
"So explain the condoms ....please".
"Well...have you ever walked into a chemist
shop....winking...and asked for aspirins?". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 09 Jan 2010, 7:32 pm | |
| The old Scottish soldier was celebrating
his 99th birthday.
He spoke to his toes...
"How are you toes?..you were soaked in
the trenches in 1916..but you are 99 years
old today".
He spoke to his knees....
"How are you knees?..you marched proudly
in the victory parade...but you are 99 years
old today".
He spoke to his crotch...."Hello Bobby.
If you were alive today...
you would have been 99 years old".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 09 Jan 2010, 7:47 pm | |
| The mother and father were sitting drinking
cheap wine...on the couch in their living
room while they watched their children playing.
"Who the hell taught oor children tae swear
like that?"..asked the father.
"Ah'm damned if ah know"..replied the mother. |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 11 Jan 2010, 12:38 pm | |
| Wee Sandy is busy fixing his front door and
finds that he needs a new hinge.
So... he sends his wife Mary to the hardware
shop.
While in the shop..Mary spots a beautiful
teapot on the top shelf.
She asks the storeman...
"How much fur the teapot?".
"That's solid siver and it'll cost you £100
pounds"..he replied.
"My...That's a bit dear!...Ah canny afford that"...
she said.
She then proceeds to describe what type of hing
it is that her husband wants.
The storeman goes into the back of the shop to
find a suitable hinge...and from there he shouts..
"Mary....You wan'na screw for this hinge?".
"Naw"...she replies.
"But Ah will fur the teapot".
Last edited by skinman {kan} on Mon 11 Jan 2010, 1:45 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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