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 scottish humour

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 27 Aug 2013, 12:54 pm

In  twelve hundred and four....

The Clan MacKay went on their weekly raid and came back with....
among other things one hundred and three bottles of whisky and
a loaf.

When the chief saw the booty... he inquired.....

"Jings...An' Wha's goin' ta' eat a' that bread?".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 02 Sep 2013, 5:45 pm

Dougal toiled for many months... clearing some very
rough ground as an extension to his garden.

At long last he began to see some of the fruits of his
labour.

With pardonable pride he was admiring his display of
flowers and vegetables...when the minister passed by
and smiled his approval.

"My...my...Dougal...I must say that you and the Creator
between you... have done a grand job".

But Dougal was not too pleased about the division of
credit.

"Aye...maybe so"...said Dougal.


"But you should have seen it when the Creator had it to himself!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 03 Sep 2013, 2:48 pm

They had been having an awful time of it down at the Docks.

Pilfering was always to be expected...but so many things had
gone missing that the authorities were really perturbed.

So they arranged for a dozen plain-clothes men to try to catch
the culprits.

One of them...stationed near the main entrance...had to check
and search every Docker going in and out of the area.

He had a vague unease about one character who kept passing him
with a wheelbarrow full of straw.

He searched him thoroughly...even going through the wheelbarrow
with a fine tooth comb...but could find nothing.

Months later...his special assignment over...The constable chanced
to meet the same fellow in a city pub.

"Look... Mac"...he said..."The job's over now and I can't touch you...
but I know you were on the fiddle.

Tell me"...he whispered..."What in the name of the wee man were
you stealing?".

With his face beaming... Mac replied...."Wheelbarrows!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 03 Sep 2013, 6:58 pm

The little car was bowling along the road on the outskirts of Bridge of Allan
when a policeman at the junction motioned the driver to pull in.....
Alec did so.

"Excuse me...sir"..he said..."But would you mind blowing into this Breathaliser?".

Alec... expressing annoyance at the delay ....assured the officer that he and
his wife were just returning from a children's Christmas party.....having picked
up their four-year old son.

Didn't he think it was a wee bit daft asking him to take the test?.

The policeman however...insisted.

"This is nonsense!"...protested Alec's wife..Agnes..from the back seat where
she was trying to pacify her fretful son.

"Can't you see that wee Tommy is dying for his bed?".

But the officer was adamant.

Alec..anxious to be on his way...grabbed at the contraption.

He looked at the policeman in astonishment when after two mighty puffs...
the Breathaliser turned green.

"There's something wrong with this!"...said Alec..."Why don't you try another
one out on the wife here?...she's never touched the stuff in her life".

As this was one of the first tests the policeman had given he didn't want to be
too heavy-handed about it...so he agreed to let Agnes blow into a fresh one...
which turned even greener.

"I'm afraid we'll all have to go down to the station and sort this one out"...he said.

"I'll tell you what"...said Alec..."Have another go...If wee Tommy blows into one
and the same thing happens...will you agree there's something wrong with your
kits... and let us go home".

This seemed a reasonable request and the policeman was only too ready to agree.

You can imagine his astonishment at the same tell tale colour.

"I'm sorry... sir...to have wasted your time"...said the crestfallen policeman..."I won't
detain you any longer.

This batch will have to be checked"...he added..waving them a weary farewell.

Not until he was in top gear..did Alec slowly let out his breath.

"Well... woman"...he crowed..."Maybe now you'll believe it was a good idea to give
the lad a double whisky before we left".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 04 Sep 2013, 12:18 pm

A Londoner...holidaying in a lonely part of the Western Isles
was treated...day after day...to a diet of fish.

Determined to introduce a little variety as well as a little spice
into his diet...he sent to London for a parcel of sausages and
handed them over to his landlady.

At breakfast...when he lifted the cover...he found his breakfast
dish filled with fried sausage-skins.

He asked his landlady for an explanation...and was told....

"That's a' that was left...sir...after I gutted them".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 04 Sep 2013, 2:41 pm

Jane... the farmer's daughter... had invited
her first boyfriend to tea.

Everything was going well until her father started
on about what had to be done the following day.

"Aye"...he said...."We'll have to spread dung on
that field at the road-end...and maybe some more
dung on the one at the other side of the barn".

And so it went on all during the meal.

Jane was affronted and at washing-up time she
turned to her mother and moaned.....

"That was terrible...couldn't father have said manure
or something?".

"Wheesht...Jane"...said her mother....


"It's only in the last fortnight that I've managed to get
him to say dung".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 04 Sep 2013, 8:12 pm

Jock McGillivery...the ventriloquist...was momentarily out of work
and had gone to spend the weekend at his sister's place.

He was on his way down for his morning dram when a big shaggy
dog fell in at his side.

Jock gave him a friendly pat and motioned him to run along but
the dog persisted in following.

When he got to the pub the brute was still with him...sitting at
his heel as he ordered a pint.

For a laugh Jock looked down at him and said..."Well...and are
you for the usual?".

"Oh'...no thanks...I've had enough this morning"...the dog appeared
to say.

The barman was flabbergasted...especially as the conversation went
on for some time

When his wits did return he made Jock an immediate offer of Fifty pounds.

"Not on your life!"...said Jock..still determined to have his fun.

"Man...I've had him since he was a pup and a better friend you couldn't
find".

There were nods of approval from the now crowded bar... but the
barman was a persistent fellow and raised his offer to one hundred
pounds.

Jock shook his head.... then the barman said...

"All right...two hundred pounds".

Jock was startled...he put on a woebegone expression.

"Man"..he said..."Being out of work I'd be daft to refuse...Quick...let's
have the money afore I change my mind".

"Mind now"...he added...making for the door..."Take good care of him".

With a last look at the dog he said..."Farewell...old pal!".


"Old pal...my Aunt Fanny"...came a faint reply...

"After what he's just done to me...I'll never speak to another human
as long as I live".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 07 Sep 2013, 12:43 pm

The Doctor had a great reputation for helping couples improve
their sex life....but always promised not to take a case on if he
felt he couldn't help them.

The Broons go to see the doctor..and he gives them a thorough
examination...he concludes...

"Yes...I'm happy to say that I can help you.

On your way home from my surgery...stop at the supermarket
and buy some grapes and some Doughnuts.

Go home..take off all your clothes...and you Sir...roll the Grapes
across the floor until you make a Bullseye in your wife's crotch...
then on hands and Knees...you must crawl to her like a Leopard
and retrieve the Grape using only your Tongue".

He adds..."Ma'am...you must take the Doughnuts and...from across
the room...toss them at your Husband until you make a ringer around
his Penis...then like a Lioness...you must crawl to him and eat the
Doughnut...using only your lips".

The couple go home and their sex life becomes more and more wonderful.

They tell their best friends...The Greens...that they should see the Doctor.

The Doctor tells the Greens he won't take the case unless he feels he can
help them...so he conducts the same physical examination.

He then gives the couple the bad news..."I can't help you..I believe your
sex life is as good as it will ever be".

The Greens plead with him saying...."You helped our friends the Broons...
Please...please...help us!".

The Doctor says..."All right...on your way home...stop at the supermarket
and buy some Apples and Cheerios..."

Very Happy


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 09 Sep 2013, 12:35 am

The Glasgow Celtic-supporting van driver used to amuse himself
by scaring every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down
the street.

He would swerve as if to hit them...and at the last minute....
swerve back on to the road.

One day...as he was driving...he spotted the local priest walking
along the road.

Thinking he would do his good deed for the day...he offered the
priest a lift.

"Where are you off to father?"...he inquired.

"I'm going  to take Mass at St Michael's church...it's about two miles
down the road"...says the priest.

"No bother"...says the driver..."Jump in".

Soon after they set off...the driver notices a Rangers fan walking
along the pavement and....Instinctively swerves as if to hit him.

Just in time he realises that he has the priest in his van...so swerves
back on to the road again...narrowly missing the rangers supporter.

However...although he's positive he never hit him he still hears a loud
thud.

Wondering where the noise came from...he glances in his rear view mirror
and...seeing nothing...says to the priest..."I was worried there father...
I just missed that Rangers fan who was walking down the road".

"It's all right my son...no need to worry".......says the priest...


"I got the Bustard  with the passenger's door".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 10 Sep 2013, 2:03 pm

The Indian businessman in Paisley got a telegram to say that
his mother was ill in Umasahad...in India.

As he did not like flying and he was uncertain how long he would
be in India ...he went to the railway station to get a single ticket
to Umasahad.

"Sorry said the clerk......But you'll need to go to Glasgow Central
station for that".

In Glasgow the booking clerk said that he couldn't possibly give him
a ticket for Umasahad and....that he would need to go to London.

in London the railway authorities told him they could not issue him
with a ticket to Umasahad...but they could give him one to Bombay.

In Bombay the chap managed to purchase a ticket for Umasahad.

Finally...he got to the station at Umasahad.

The railway station consisted of an old hut......serving the small
township of approximately one thousand people.

For Four months the businessman cared for his mother...and when
she finally recovered from her illness he determined it was time to
get back to his business in Paisley.

Entering the old railway hut he asked the clerk if he could possibly
purchase a ticket to Paisley.

The clerk replied...."Certainly...Sir....Now would that be Paisley...
Gilmour street....or Paisley West?".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 10 Sep 2013, 3:03 pm

The university Professor was discussing the anatomy of
males in various Scottish clans.

He went on to say...."The men of the McEwan clan of Mull
are commonly acknowledged to be the best endowed".

One female student at the back decided.... she had had
enough...and disgusted.... headed for the back door of
the lecture room.

The professor called out..."There's no need to hurry...dear.

The next boat to Mull doesn't leave Oban until eight o'clock
tomorrow morning!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 11 Sep 2013, 12:33 pm

A young chap from Edinburgh was in the supermarket when he became
aware that an old lady was following him...in fact at the checkout
queue she was just in front of him.

"Sorry if I seemed to be following you...but you fair look like ma' son who
died last year".

"Sorry to hear that"...replied the young man..."Is there anything I can
do for you?".

"Well...Yes"...she said sadly..."As I'm leaving could you shout..."Cheerio
Mum...that would really make my day..and fair cheer me up".

Of course...Na' bother"....he replied

So as the old lady was leaving he duly called out..."CHEERIO MUM!"...

She turned... gave him a kindly smile and a big wave.

When he came to pay for his groceries the bill came to over one
hundred pounds.

"There must be some mistake"...he said to the assistant..."I only
bought a few things".

"Yes..That's true"...said the assistant..."But your mother said you
were paying for her stuff".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 17 Sep 2013, 5:55 am

the wee Scot was staggering.... totally drunk near a beach when he noticed a preacher
baptising people in the sea.

He paddled into the water to ask the preacher what he was doing.

As the preacher turned around he was almost overcome by the smell of alcohol from the
wee Scot.  

The preacher grabbed him and said sternly .... "Are you ready to find Jesus?".

The wee drunk shouted back... 'Aye...That I am".


The preacher grabbed him and dunked him under the water.

Pulling him back up he inquired... "Brother.... have you found Jesus?".


"No.... Ah huvnae found him".


The preacher...rather shocked by this answer.... dunks the wee scot into the water
again for a wee bit longer.

He again pulled him out of the water and again asked... "Brother.... have you found
Jesus?".

The answer came back.... "No... Ah huvnae found Jesus".


By this time the preacher was starting to lose his patience.... So violently he dunked the
wee drunk into the water again.... but this time held him down for about 30 seconds.

When he begins kicking and flailing his arms and legs about the priest pulls him back up.

He then pleads with the wee man.... "For the love of God... have you found Jesus?".


Wiping his eyes and.... catching his breath... he says to the preacher......


"Ur ye definitely sure this is where he fell in?".




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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 04 Oct 2013, 12:16 pm

The woman next door  to wee Sammy had a new baby.

Unfortunately...the little boy was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital... the parents
invited Sammy's family to come over and see the new baby.

Sammy's parents were very afraid that their son would say
something embarrassing about the baby...so his father had
a long stern talk with him before they left.

"Now...Sammy"...he said..."That poor wee soul was born
withoot any ears...see if you mention them..or misbehave
yoursel in any way...I'll gie you such a hiding when we get
back hame...right?".

"Ah promise Dad"...said Sammy..."I'll no mention his ears".

At the neighbours home...Sammy leaned over the cot and
touched the baby's hand.

He looked up at it's mother and said...."Oh' whit a beautiful
wee baby!".

"Why...thank you very much...Sammy"....said the mother.

"Yur baby has perfect little hands and feet"...said Sammy...
"And just look at his pretty little eyes...did the doctur say
that he had good eyesight?".

"Yes"...said the mother..."In fact...the doctor said he has
perfect twenty/twenty vision".

"Well...thank God for that!"...replied Sammy...cause there's no
way he could ever wear glasses".




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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 05 Oct 2013, 3:45 pm

Glasgow Rangers Football Club signed up a player from Kosovo.

on his debut he scored a hat-trick...and Rangers came from two
down to win.

After the game...he called home to tell his mother what an
amazing day he'd had.

She said..."I'm so pleased for you...but things aren't so great
over here.
Today...dad's been shot...I got beaten and robbed and your
sister's been raped!".

The player said..."That's terrible...mum...but you understand
that it was for the good of all of us that I left home and came
to Glasgow...don't you?".

"Of course"...said his mum.

"But did you have to bring us with you!".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 31 Oct 2013, 12:40 pm

Tam's wife Sandra was having a shower when she slipped
over on to the bathroom floor.

But instead of falling forwards or backwards...she slipped
sideways...did the splits... and suctioned herself  to the
floor.

Hearing the screams...Tam came running into the toilet.

Sandra yelled..."I've suctioned myself to the floor!".

Tam tried to pull her up...but couldn't.

"You're just too heavy"...he said..."I'll go across the road
and get my pal to help me".

He came back with his pal...but...hard as they tried...they
still couldn't get her off the floor.

"I've got an idea"...said Tam's pal..."I'll go home...get my
hammer and chisel...and break the tiles under her".

"Ok"...says Tam..."While you're doing that...I'll play with
her tits".

"Play with her tits?...why?...asked the pal.

"Well"...said Tam..."If I can get her wet enough...we can slide
her into the kitchen... the tiles in there were a lot cheaper!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 18 Jan 2014, 9:14 pm

A wee Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.

He says...."This is Amanda".

His dad jumps out of his chair..and yells.

"It's a feckin' what?"


.......


New studies say a smile can add as much as seven years to your life.

Unless you do it to a stranger in a Glasgow pub toilet.

In which case you've probably got about seven seconds.


......


The final question at a pub quiz in Glasgow at the weekend.


Take That's first album consisted of four words... the first two were

"Take That".... but what were the second two?.

There was a long pause then a wee Glasgow guy piped up with .....

Was it..... "Ya C*nt ?".
.......



Over forty years ago an incident occurred in the Glasgow area in which a woman said
she encountered an unidentified flying object.

This made headlines across Scotland and sparked a wave of controversy.

The woman was described as rational.... and trustworthy and her report was rumored
to have prompted a massive undercover government investigation.

Newspapers at the time speculated that cell material and other strange matter were
recovered from the scene.

Even an Area 51 style research laboratory had been set up to investigate... covertly.

It was said that a massive search of the area was undertaken and that the Prime Minister
spoke of the incident at great length with the President of the USA.

But the true story never came out.

Until now... thanks to the freedom of information act.

It seems it was a complete hoax.

There is no firm proof of the existence of a rational... trustworthy woman anywhere
in the Glasgow area.


 geek
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 19 Jan 2014, 12:46 am

lol! 
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 19 Jan 2014, 10:26 am

Janet goes to her Doctor... worried about her man's temper and threatening manner.


The Doctor asks her.... "And whit seems to be the problem.... Janet?.


"Weeell.... Doctor Cameron.... I dinae know whit to dae.

Every time ma man comes hame drunk... he threatens to slap me'".


The Doctor says: "Aye... well... I have a real good cure for that.

When your husband arrives home intoxicated... just take a wee glass of water
and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish... but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep".


Two weeks later Janet goes back to the doctor looking happy as can be.


"Doctur.... that wis brilliant!.

Every time ma hubbie came hame drunk... Ah' swished with water.

Ah' swished n' swished and he didnae touch me even once!.

Whit's the secret?... How's the water dae that?".

Doctor Cameron replied....


"Janet... it's really no a big secret.... The water does bugger all.

it's keeping your mooth shut that does the trick".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 22 Jan 2014, 12:38 pm

The Mactumshie bus company was prevailed upon to increase the concessionary fares
to frequent travelers so that they got six journeys instead of four for a pound.....

One elderly gentleman.... (Renowned for his frugality.... even in a community where frugal
folk were most common)..... was still unhappy.

"It's all dam' foolishness"...he declared.

"Now I've got to walk into town six times instead of four  to save a pound!".

..............................

Big Tam... had become a bit hard of hearing lately.... but
he didn't want to pay for a hearing aid.

So he borrowed a piece of flex... put one end in his top pocket
and the other end in his ear.

It didn't help his hearing much.... but he found that people
spoke to him more loudly.


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 13 Dec 2014, 12:02 pm

Hamish McTumshie a Scottish minister...

was making his rounds to parish homes to receive their
tithes and offerings.

One of his parishioners gave... but had a distinctly mean and stingy attitude
when parting with his money..No doubt.... without receiving something in
return.

As he put the gift away... Hamish commented dryly...

'The Good Book says the Lord loves a cheerful giver...

but the Church O' Scotland cannae be so choosy".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 18 Dec 2014, 1:37 pm

Auld Jessie was walking down the street... dragging two large black plastic
bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped...  every now and then a ten pound note would fall
out onto the pavement.

Noticing all this... a Policeman stopped her...  "Missus... there's money falling
Oot' of your bag".

"Oh feck!".. said Jessie.... "I’d better go back and see whit Ah've lost.
Thanks fur tellin' me officer".

"Hold on there hen... not so fast...Where did you get all that money?".
"I hope you didnae' steal it... did you?".

"Och....No... You see.. my back garden is right next tae the fitbaw grounds
car park .

On Saturdays... lots of fans come and pee through a hole in ma fence... into
ma garden.

It really annoys me and also kills all ma flowers.

I thought... why no' make the most of it?.

So on Saturdays... I stand behind the fence by the knot holes... real quiet...
with shears... Every time somebudy sticks his Boaby' through ma' fence...
I  grab hold of it and say "OK.pal!.. Gie's  ten pounds.. or aff it comes!".

"Well..Ahm' sorry"...said the policeman...laughing.."But you'll huv' tae
come doon tae the station with me... Oh... by the way..whit’s in the other bag?".

"Well..if ye must know"....said Jessie... "No' everybudy had the money".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 19 Dec 2014, 7:19 am

There is understandable scepticism....when suggestions are given that Napoleon Bonaparte
was the grandson of a Scotsman from Glasgow.

But now it has been pointed out there is further proof that Napoleon was indeed Scottish.

The reason his hand was inside his jacket was to make sure no-one lifted his wallet.


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 19 Dec 2014, 11:21 pm

"How wis yer blind date last night?"...asked Lucy.

"Absolutely awful"..replied Mavis...

"The fella turned up in a 1960 ford escort".

"An' what's so terrible aboot that?".

"He bought it new!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 20 Dec 2014, 2:42 pm

Archie was fishing a salmon river in Scotland when he
landed a fifteen pound salmon..a magnificent specimen.

Another fisherman came up to him to admire the fish.

"What a beauty"...he said.

"I doubt if even Malcolm McBride himself could have
caught such a wonderful fish".

"Was Malcolm McBride a champion fisherman?".

"Oh yes.. and.a wonderful all round sportsman too!..
in fact he was a professional athlete.

"He was also excellent at DIY...I am useless myself
but Malcolm McBride could fix absolutely anything.

Apparently he was an energetic man..a wizard in bed.

I'm not so hot in that department myself.

Never ever forgot his wife's anniversary...or birthday
a truly amazing person".

"Was Malcolm McBride a friend of yours?".

"Never met him"...said the man.

"Then how come you know so much about him?".

"I married his widow!".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 22 Dec 2014, 4:17 pm

One cold Sunday morning...

Jenny received a phone call to say that her Grandfather
had died.

She immediately went to visit her granny in a Glasgow
housing estate.

"And how and when did poor grandpa die?".

"Well...it's a wee bit embarrassing...dear ...but this
morning we were making love and sadly...he had a
heart attack".

"Granny!...you're both nearly ninety...surely that kind
of activity was just asking for trouble?".

"Well...it has been our habit for many years now to
have sex on a Sunday morning...you know...slowly...
in time with the church bells...Ding..Dong..Ding..Dong".

"SO...what went wrong?".

"Well...a blooming great ice cream van stopped outside
the house".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 25 Dec 2014, 5:58 pm

In the middle of a defensive wall at a free kick...
Partick Thistle's left back took the ball right in
his crotch and passed out with the pain.

When he woke up he found himself in Glasgow's
Western Infirmary.

Though still in great pain ...he asked the doctor..

"Doctor...is it bad?...will I be able to play again?".

"Yes...you should be able to"...replied the Doctor.

"Oh'... great. So I can play for my club"..said the
man...feeling much relieved.


"Well..yes...just as long as Partick Thistle have a
women's team!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 31 Dec 2014, 7:21 am

The double homicide defendant was at the high court in Edinburgh.

The Judge read out his crime...

"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer".

Wee Tam... sitting at the back of the courtroom yelled out..

"Ya b@stard!".

The Judge continued...

"You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death
with a hammer".

Wee Tam screamed from the back of the courtroom....

"Ya rotten bastard!".

The Judge stopped...looked to the back of the courtroom and said..

"Sir.... I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime..
but I'll have no more of these outbursts from you...If I do...I'll charge
you with contempt of court.... Is that understood?".

Tam stood up and said....

"Ah'm sorry... Yur Honour... but fur fifteen years Ah've lived next door
ta' that b@stard... and every time Ah' asked ta' borrow a hammer....

he said he didn'ae have one".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 08 Jan 2015, 2:55 pm

There's an old...seedy..run down gymnasium on the south
side of Glasgow catering to young and old boxers.

Amid the yelling..the smell of fighters sweating....punching
bags and each other... one of the boxers comes over to his
corner after three rounds of heavy hitting and says to his
manager...

''I really want a shot at the Kid...Kid Jackson...I know I'm
getting old and a little punchy...but before I retire I just
want one chance in the ring with him''.

His manager...wiping the fighter's face with a towel..says

''Look...If I've told you once...I've told you a thousand times

you're Kid Jackson''.


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 14 Jan 2015, 5:01 am

Wee Sammy decided he wanted to join the navy.

He was immediately shipped out to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Atlantic.

The first mate on board was showing him around the ship.. when Sammy asked
what other sailors did to satisfy their urges if at sea for long spells.

"Let me show you"... said the first mate taking him down to the rear of the ship.

There was a solitary barrel with a hole in it.

"This could be the best sex you ever have.... Go ahead and try it.. I'll give you
some privacy".

Sammy couldn't quite believe it.... but decided to give it a try anyway.

Just after Sammy finished...  the first mate returned.

"Wow!''...said Sammy...'' That was the best I've ever had!... I'd love to do this
every day!".

"Fine''...said the first mate....'' You can do it every day except for Thursday".

"Why...what's wrong with Thursday?".

The first mate replied...."That'll be your day in the barrel".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 07 Mar 2015, 2:58 pm

Two men got talking in a pub on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh.

''So...do you work here?''...asked one fellow.

''Yes...I work at the Scottish Parliament''.

''Are you an MSP...then?''.

''No...no...I'm a logic analyst''.

''And what in the world does a logic analyst do?''.

''Oh...we work on the logic of proposed bills going through the
Parliament....Logic can explain anything in this world you know''
said the logic Analyst.  ''let me explain in simple terms...do you
have a Goldfish at home?''.

''As it happens... I do''.

''Well..It's logical to assume you keep it in a bowl or a pond.
Which is it?''.

''It's in a pond''.

''then it's logical to assume you have a large garden?''.

''Yes...I've got a large garden''.

''And if you have a large garden..it is logical to assume you have
a large house''.

''Yes...I've got a large six bedroomed house..in fact I built it myself''.

''Given that you've built a six bedroomed house..it is logical to assume
you haven't built it for yourself...and that you are quite probably married''.

''Yes...I'm married and have four children''.

''Then It's logical that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular
basis''.

''Yes...at least four times a week''.

''Then it is logical to assume that you do not masturbate very often''.

''Me...Never!''.

''There you are then...from finding out if you have a goldfish..I've
told you about your sex life''.

''That's very impressive...Thanks for explaining logic to me''.

The following day the man was talking to a pal and telling him about
meeting the Logic Analyst from the Scottish Parliament''.

''So...how does it work?''...asked his pal.

''Well...Do you have a goldfish?''.

''No''.

''Then you're a Wanker''.



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 08 Jul 2015, 6:16 pm

An American was visiting Scotland on business. As he stepped off the plane at Prestwick airport in Ayrshire..
he noticed a wee Scotsman standing beside a long table...on top of which was a selection of human skulls.

"What are these?"...asked the American.

"They're the genuine skulls of the most famous Scotsmen that ever lived"..came the reply.

"like who?".

"Well...Rabbie Burns..William Wallace..Bonnie Prince Charlie..Alexander Graham Bell..Arthur Conan Doyle..St Andrew"...

"You have the genuine skull of St Andrew himself?"...queried the American.

"Aye...That I do".

"Hey...I'm part Scottish myself"..Enthused the American.."So imagine the looks on the faces of my family back home in Maine
when I walk in with the skull of St Andrews. I just gotta have it...how much?".

The Scotsman thought for a moment. "Well laddie"...he said. "I was told I'd be a fool to let it go for less than £2,500 pounds but
seeing as ye seem so attached to it..and it's no rainin' the day..I'll let ye have it for £2,499 pounds 99 pence..ah canny be
fairer than that".

"It's a deal"..said the American..who produced the money in cash and left the airport happy with his purchase.

Back in Maine... the sKull proved a real attraction at his local bar where he arranged for it to be hung on the wall. People with
Scottish ancestry from all over North America came to gaze at it in wonder.

Five years later..the American returned to Scotland on another business trip and as he got off the plane at Prestwick Airport he
noticed the same wee Scotsman with his table of skulls.

"Hey..what have you got left?"...asked the American.

"I have got the genuine skulls of the most famous Scotsmen in history"...came
the reply.

"like who?".

"Well...Rabbie Burns...William Wallace..Bonnie Prince Charlie..Alexander Graham Bell...Arthur Conan Doyle..St Andrews..."

"Wait a second"..Interrupted the American."Did you say St Andrew?".

"Aye..That A'h did".

"Well...I was here five years ago and you sold me a skull a lot bigger than that one there..and you told me that skull was
St Andrew".

"Aye"..said the wee Scotsman. "I remember ye now!...you see this skull is St Andrew when he was a wee boy".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 14 Apr 2016, 9:24 am

It was a regular event...Alexander and Everard were forever standing in the back close of the tenement building
discussing either eye shadow.. pan stick; or hair rollers.

Mr Mackay... on constant night shift... having had enough of their constant giggling and squealing. grabbed an old
broom stick and stormed out of his house to confront the pair.

On hearing the loud footsteps and angry voice mumbling...  ''Just you wait till I get ma hands on you''.

The pair decided it best to run into the back court and hide in a large rubbish receptacle.

On finding no trace of anyone....Mr Mackay  shouted... ''If I find out who you are...I'll stick this broom handle
right up your ass''.

As he walked away he was sure he heard a wee voice whisper...

''Yoohoo...I'm in the bin''.

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