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Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 02 Feb 2011, 11:29 am
A Scottish highland Soldier...
in full dress uniform marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana.
He unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk handkerchief which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
He hands it to the chemist who holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?"... The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence".... says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?".
"Ten pence".... says the chemist.
The Soldier painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana...
replaces it carefully in his sporran.. and marches out of the door....shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside... followed by.... an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists shop and with a big grin... addresses the proprietor.
"The regiment has taken a vote".
"We'll have a new one".
skinman {kan} Badass KAN
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 14 Mar 2011, 5:18 pm
True Scottish Friendship.
(None of yon Sissy crap).
Are ye tired of those weak friendship odes that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?. Well... here are some promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute wee smiley faces here ..Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship....for...
When ye are sad. I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bugger who made ye sad.
When ye are blue . I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.
When ye smile . I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.
When ye are scared. I will scare the crap out of ye every chance I get... until you're no any mair.
When ye are worried. I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING!.
When ye are confused. I will try to use only wee words.
When ye are sick Stay the f**k away from me until ye are well again... I don't want whatever ye've got.
When ye fall. I will laugh my effin head off at you..you clumsy sod........but I'll still help ye up.
This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.
Why?... you may ask...Because you are my friend.
Friendship is like peeing your pants... everyone can see it...
but only you can feel the true warmth.
skinman {kan} Badass KAN
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 08 Jul 2011, 10:17 am
The wee boy was crying his eyes out outside Hampden Park football club.
A policeman came up to him and asked..
"Wit's up...lost your Daddy?".
The wee fellow sobbed..."Aye...Sir".
The policeman asked..."Well...what's he like?".
The wee boy replied....
"lager...Women...and Coronation Street".
Lady of Winter {KAN} Queen of the P90 - shooter of the AK47. Claymore expert
Number of posts: 1554 Age: 44 City/Country: Earth (is not a country itīs a planet) : Pretty in Pink
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I miss BOG!!
Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 09 Jul 2011, 2:41 pm
skinman {kan} Badass KAN
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 22 Aug 2011, 7:36 am
A woman was sitting alone in a train carriage until a little old Scotsman wearing a kilt came in and sat down opposite her.
She was so fascinated by his kilt that she eventually plucked up the courage to ask...
"I've always wanted to know what a man wears under one of those....?"
"I'm a man O' few words"....interrupted the Scotsman...."Give me your hand".
skinman {kan} Badass KAN
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 27 Aug 2011, 12:07 pm
Ever since the Englishman had found out Gordon's nationality he had bored him to tears with the corniest remarks and things like..."Hoots Mon!".
The Scot started to tell him about the night he dreamt he had died and gone straight to hell.
"It would be full of your kinsmen...eh?.. came the jibe from the Englishman.
"Aye..ye're right...quite a lot of them!.
Satan took us on a conducted tour and when we came to this big door he asked us to open it and have a look inside.
Well...we couldn't see a thing for smoke.
Nearly choked us...it did.
What in the hell's name is in there?"...I asked Satan.
"Ruddy Englishmen!"...they're too damned green to burn".
skinman {kan} Badass KAN
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 28 Aug 2011, 6:18 pm
A Scot who had made a fortune..remained the same genial "rough diamond" that he had always been.
At one society function he seemed very nervous as he sat down to dinner...maybe the array of cutlery did it.
When...after soup...one of the waiters tried to remove his spoon...he gruffly ordered the man to leave it.
"Another spoon will be supplied for the dessert... sir"...explained the attendant quietly..."A much smaller one".
"Maybe"...barked the guest..."But I'll just have the same spoon...
Ma mooth's just as big for pudden as it is for soup!".
skinman {kan} Badass KAN
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 03 Apr 2012, 11:16 am
A film crew were filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came shuffling by.
"Tomorrow rain".... he informed them and then shuffled on.
Sure enough it rained the very next day.
Again he shuffled past.
"Tomorrow sunshine" ....he let them know... and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day.
The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be like.
But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up.
Eventually the director found the old man sitting in a bothy... having a quiet smoke of his pipe.
"Hey!.... we need your predictions... why haven't you showed up the last couple of days?".
"Radio broken".....came the old man's reply.
skinman {kan} Badass KAN
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 03 Apr 2012, 11:35 am
Big Shuggie ...going on holiday... was stuck at the airport...so proceeded to get very drunk.
After about his tenth big swig at a bottle of wine... a little Japanese man accidentally bumped into him... causing the bottle of wine to smash to the floor.
Big Shuggie was furious... he grabbed the wee fellah demanding recompense and dragged him out of the building.
Next thing he returned with bruises all over his face.
Behind him was the wee Japanese man who was smiling.
"It is just a small Japanese thing"... he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers.. who were astonished...."We call it Aikido".
Despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement.... Big Shuggie's anger swelled up and once more he challenged the Japanese man to ..."Go ootside".
They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie was limping back into the building with the smiling Japanese man behind him.
"It is just a small Japanese thing"... he explained once more to the impressed crowd.. "We call it karate".
As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off... Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and .... "Batter him wan".
Sighing and shrugging his shoulders... the Japanese man accompanied Shuggie outside.
A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd heard a couple of thuds and Shuggie came striding back into the airport building... beaming like a champion.
"It wiz just a small Japanese thing".... he explained to them..."We call it.....
Subject: Re: scottish humour 
