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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 16 Nov 2010, 11:36 am

A pair of Siamese twins....

Walk into a pub in New York and park
themselves on adjacent bar stools.

One of them says to the bartender....

"Hi there...don't mind us...we're joined
at the hip.

I'm Tom...he's Dick.

We'll have two Budweisers please".


The bartender...feeling a little awkward..

tries to make polite conversation while
pouring the beers.

"Have you been on vacation yet?".

"Actually ...we're off to Scotland next week"..
says Tom.


"That's nice.

been there before?"...asks the barman

"Yep...we go to Scotland every year and rent
a car and drive for miles all over the country...

Isn't that right...Dick?".

"WE sure do"...says Dick.


"Ah...Scotland!"...says the bartender.

"What a wonderful country to visit.

Inverness....Edinburgh...Glasgow....

The history...the football...the culture...the beer".


"Nah'....we hate all that British crap"....says Tom.

"Scotch Whisky...what's that all about?...and as for
the football...that's a laugh..you can shove it up your
ass.


Baseball and Buds beer...that's us...right...Dick?.

cause we can't stand the Scottish.

They're such a bunch of effeminate stuck up asses".



"So why do you keep on going over there?"...asks
the bartender.

"Well.......

It's the only time Dick here gets a chance to drive".

Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 21 Nov 2010, 11:29 am

Seeking to boost church attendance....

The new minister began making personal calls
to the homes of his parishioners.

One particular man....Auld sandy...who had not
been to church for several months....

was implored to join the congregation the
following Sunday.

It so happened that Auld Sandy was a producer
of fine peach brandy.

He said that he would attend church...

but only on condition that the minister drank some
of his brandy and....more importantly....

admitted to doing so in front of his congregation.

The minister agreed and drank up.

That Sunday....as promised....Auld Sandy attended
the service and waited expectantly for the minister to
fulfil his part of the deal.

After a few minutes....the minister recognised him
from the pulpit and declared with a visible smile...

"I note with pleasure that Sandy is with us this morning.

I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week
and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit
in which they were given".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 21 Nov 2010, 11:33 am

What do a pint of GUINNESS and
a catholic priest have in common?.

Black coat...white collar....

and you have to watch your ass

if you get a dodgy one!.


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 21 Dec 2010, 6:09 pm

Wee Hughie....

was quite a character and this was his
umpteenth appearance for poaching...

Salmon no less.


His friends were so worried that they
hired a very able young lawyer....

Who very convincingly proved his
client's innocence stating that he hadn't
been within ten miles of the river.


Case dismissed...and everybody happy.


When up speaks Wee Hughie to the
magistrate.


"Does that mean I can keep the fish...Sir?".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 21 Dec 2010, 6:19 pm

Two Highland farmers...

Were discussing the weather...


said the first...


"Man...that shower will do a lot of good...

It'll bring things out O' the ground".


"God Forbid"...said his neighbour....

"I've three wives there!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 30 Dec 2010, 3:04 pm

Wullie.....

was having his appendix out and was driving the doctor mad with questions.

"Will Ah be able to play the bagpipes after ma operation?".... he asked.

"Of course ye will!".... snapped the doctor.

"That's amazing!"..... marvelled Wullie.

"Ah couldna play them before!".
..................................................

Caught for not having a TV licence....

Hughie duly purchased one...

which is just as well because as he was going down
the path from his house he met the inspector again.

"I'm in a hurry.... but ma father's in the house...

Tell him the licence is behind the clock on the mantelpiece".

The inspector does so... and Hugh's dad replied....

"That's some detector van ye've got that knows where the
licence is kept!".
........................................................

Notice in a shop in Fort William.

We exchange anything ... bicycles.... washing machines etc.

Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
.....................................................

McTavish....

was leaving the office late one evening when he saw his boss
standing in front of the paper shredder... looking puzzled.

"D'you know how this thing works?".... asked the boss.

"Aye"... said McTavish..... feeding the paper into the machine
and pressing the start button.

As the paper disappeared into the machine....

he heard his boss say....

"Good.

I need two copies, please".
............................................

Jessie....

was out for a walk.

As she came to a river she saw her pal Maggie
on the opposite bank.

"Hello there".... she shouts.

"how can I get to the other side?".

Maggie looked up the river... then down the river...

then shouted back...

"You.. ARE.. on the other side".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 31 Dec 2010, 6:15 am

Sandy MacGregor.....

A lodger in a guest house near Glasgow.. was on his way to
the bathroom carrying his shaving gear when the landlady
stopped him and said.....

"Have you got a good memory for faces.... Mr MacGregor?".

"Och aye...I have that".... replied MacGregor.

"That's just as well".... she said.

"Because there's no a mirror in the bathroom".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 02 Jan 2011, 9:47 am

Big Sandy....

Was walking down Sauchiehall Street one lovely spring day
when he saw a crowd gathered up ahead.

Stopping to see what the attraction was he noticed it was
one of those mime artist performers.

So the Mime is doing that famous routine where he is
pretending to be trapped in a box.

Big Sandy just stands there watching.

As the mime is finishing his act... Sandy observed on the
pavement a rather large hat for money..change..tips.....

donations contributions.

So...Sandy goes over and Mimes taking his wallet out of
his pocket......

lifting out a pound note......

putting it into the hat.....


Then walks off..


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 02 Jan 2011, 10:03 am

Auld Mary....

Was starved for companionship...

So she bought a couple of monkeys.


As The years went by she became
very attached to them.


Unfortunately both monkeys died the
same day.


Not wanting to part with them....

she takes the dead monkeys to a
taxidermist.


the taxidermist asked her...


"Would you like them mounted?".


Auld Mary replied....


"NO...Just holding hands".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 06 Jan 2011, 3:53 pm

McGregor had won ten thousand pounds
in a sweepstake but they didn't know how
to tell him....

For his heart was weak and the shock
might kill him.

Mactavish agreed to break the good news
gently.

he was as good as his word and with great
tact he explained it to McGregor.


"It's great news.... Indeed"...said McGregor


"But tell me why did you beat about the bush
for so long?".


"Well...we were afraid that with your heart
It might do you harm".


"That was very kind of you...and I tell you
this...Mactavish......

I'm giving you half the money I won".


Mactavish dropped dead.


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 02 Feb 2011, 11:29 am

A Scottish highland Soldier...

in full dress uniform marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out
a neatly folded cotton bandana.

He unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk handkerchief
which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

He hands it to the chemist who holds it up and eyes
it critically.


"How much to repair it?"... The Scot asks the chemist.


"Six pence".... says the chemist.


"How much for a new one?".


"Ten pence".... says the chemist.


The Soldier painstakingly folds the condom into the silk
square handkerchief and the cotton bandana...

replaces it carefully in his sporran.. and marches out of
the door....shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout
go up outside... followed by.... an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists shop
and with a big grin... addresses the proprietor.

"The regiment has taken a vote".


"We'll have a new one".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 14 Mar 2011, 5:18 pm

True Scottish Friendship.

(None of yon Sissy crap).

Are ye tired of those weak friendship odes that always sound good
but never actually come close to reality?.
Well... here are some promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute wee smiley faces here ..Just the stone cold truth of a
great friendship....for...

When ye are sad.
I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bugger who made ye sad.

When ye are blue .
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.

When ye smile .
I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

When ye are scared.
I will scare the crap out of ye every chance I get... until you're no any mair.

When ye are worried.
I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING!.

When ye are confused.
I will try to use only wee words.

When ye are sick
Stay the f**k away from me until ye are well again... I don't want whatever ye've got.

When ye fall.
I will laugh my effin head off at you..you clumsy sod........but I'll still help ye up.

This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

Why?... you may ask...Because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants...
everyone can see it...

but only you can feel the true warmth.
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 08 Jul 2011, 10:17 am

The wee boy was crying his eyes out outside
Hampden Park football club.

A policeman came up to him and asked..

"Wit's up...lost your Daddy?".

The wee fellow sobbed..."Aye...Sir".

The policeman asked..."Well...what's he like?".

The wee boy replied....

"lager...Women...and Coronation Street".





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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 09 Jul 2011, 2:41 pm

lol! cheers
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 22 Aug 2011, 7:36 am

A woman was sitting alone in a train carriage
until a little old Scotsman wearing a kilt came
in and sat down opposite her.

She was so fascinated by his kilt that she
eventually plucked up the courage to ask...

"I've always wanted to know what a man
wears under one of those....?"

"I'm a man O' few words"....interrupted the
Scotsman...."Give me your hand".


Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 27 Aug 2011, 12:07 pm

Ever since the Englishman had found
out Gordon's nationality he had bored
him to tears with the corniest remarks
and things like..."Hoots Mon!".

The Scot started to tell him about the
night he dreamt he had died and gone
straight to hell.

"It would be full of your kinsmen...eh?..
came the jibe from the Englishman.

"Aye..ye're right...quite a lot of them!.

Satan took us on a conducted tour and
when we came to this big door he asked
us to open it and have a look inside.

Well...we couldn't see a thing for smoke.

Nearly choked us...it did.

What in the hell's name is in there?"...I
asked Satan.

"Ruddy Englishmen!"...they're too damned
green to burn".


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 28 Aug 2011, 6:18 pm

A Scot who had made a fortune..remained
the same genial "rough diamond" that he
had always been.

At one society function he seemed very
nervous as he sat down to dinner...maybe
the array of cutlery did it.

When...after soup...one of the waiters tried
to remove his spoon...he gruffly ordered the
man to leave it.

"Another spoon will be supplied for the dessert...
sir"...explained the attendant quietly..."A much
smaller one".

"Maybe"...barked the guest..."But I'll just have
the same spoon...

Ma mooth's just as big for pudden as it is for soup!".


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 03 Apr 2012, 11:16 am

A film crew were filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer
came shuffling by.

"Tomorrow rain".... he informed them and then shuffled on.

Sure enough it rained the very next day.

Again he shuffled past.

"Tomorrow sunshine" ....he let them know... and it was indeed
a fine sunny day the next day.

The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him
and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the
weather would be like.

But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up.

Eventually the director found the old man sitting in a bothy...
having a quiet smoke of his pipe.

"Hey!.... we need your predictions... why haven't you showed
up the last couple of days?".

"Radio broken".....came the old man's reply.


geek
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 03 Apr 2012, 11:35 am

Big Shuggie ...going on holiday... was stuck at the airport...so proceeded
to get very drunk.

After about his tenth big swig at a bottle of wine... a little Japanese man accidentally
bumped into him... causing the bottle of wine to smash to the floor.

Big Shuggie was furious... he grabbed the wee fellah demanding recompense and
dragged him out of the building.

Next thing he returned with bruises all over his face.

Behind him was the wee Japanese man who was smiling.

"It is just a small Japanese thing"... he explained to the crowd of waiting passengers..
who were astonished...."We call it Aikido".

Despite having been overwhelmed and tossed to the pavement.... Big Shuggie's anger
swelled up and once more he challenged the Japanese man to ..."Go ootside".

They do and within a couple of minutes Shuggie was limping back into the building
with the smiling Japanese man behind him.

"It is just a small Japanese thing"... he explained once more to the impressed crowd..
"We call it karate".

As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off... Big Shuggie
once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and ....
"Batter him wan".

Sighing and shrugging his shoulders... the Japanese man accompanied Shuggie
outside.

A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd heard a couple of thuds and Shuggie
came striding back into the airport building... beaming like a champion.

"It wiz just a small Japanese thing".... he explained to them..."We call it.....

The bumper aff a Toyota!".


drunken
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 19 Jun 2012, 10:40 am

Big Sandy's Thai girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect their relationship.

Whether she's right or not... I think he'd prefer it if she didn't have one!.


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 12 Sep 2012, 7:40 am

There had been a terrible family row...and
the police had been summoned.

Mr Broon was hauled into court for beating
his wife.

The magistrate rebuked him severely.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself"..
his honour began..."Assaulting your wife
like that...I never saw a nastier black eye.

Do you know of any reason why I should
not put you in prison?".

"If you do"...answered the defendant...

"that will shorten our honeymoon!".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 23 Jan 2013, 6:31 pm

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect breasts.

He approaches her and says, "Miss, would ye let me bite ye breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would ye let me bite ye breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.

"Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would ye let me bite ye breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he touches them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah," says the Scotsman. "Costs too much."

_________________

     
   
"if its got tits or wheels it'l cost you money"
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 24 Jan 2013, 12:22 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 24 Jan 2013, 2:36 pm

cheers ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 24 Jan 2013, 2:51 pm

Tam recently spent £1,000 on a young Black Angus bull.

He put him out with the herd but the bull just ate grass and
wouldn't even look at any other cow.

Tam was beginning to suspect the bull was gay....
if that's possible with a bull.

Anyhow... Tam had the Vet come have a look at the bull.

The vet said the bull... although very healthy... was possibly
a little young.... so he gave tam some pills to feed the bull
once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days.

He even broke through a fence and bred with all the neighbour's
cows!

He's been breeding with just about everything in sight.

He is like a machine!.

Tam doesn't know what in hell is in the pills the Vet gave the bull

but said they taste like peppermint.
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 05 Feb 2013, 2:58 pm

[Picture The scene... in a Glasgow court is a witness... (a Ned)... ..he is being quizzed
by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute .

Advocate... 'You say you went to your friend's house that night... Why did you go there?'

WITNESS.... "Tae get a tap".

Advocate... "Is your friend a plumber?".

WITNESS..... "Naw".

Advocate.... "Are you a plumber?".

WITNESS.... "Naw".

The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning.... the Advocate notices this....
but also notices that the court police officer is putting his fingers of one hand together in
the universal gesture of cash.

It apparently dawns on the Advocate... and so he changes his line of questioning
accordingly.

Advocate.... "So you went to the house to borrow some money?".

WITNESS.... "Naw".

Advocate.... "Ah"...... You went to the house to lend some money ?".

WITNESS.... "Naw".

In exasperation the Advocate says.... 'You told this court you went to your friend's house for a tap.

What kind of a tap was it".


WITNESS ......"A CELTIC TAP".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 07 Feb 2013, 2:49 pm

A driver...whose breath would burst a breathalyzer...drove his car
right into a wee cottage on the road to Fort William.

As he drew up neatly beside the fireplace...he leaned out his window
and questioned the old lady sitting in an armchair.

"Shay..ish this the road to..hic...Fort William?".

"NAW"... she said shaking her head.

"You'll hae to turn right ower there by the piano then....

keep goin' straight oan when ye pass the scullery sink".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 13 Feb 2013, 7:31 pm

Sammy.. walked into a pub in Sauchiehall St. with a wee scabby dog under his arm.

He was just in time to hear the Saturday afternoon football results on the radio.

"England Two..Scotland nil"....said the announcer....at which point the dog shouted

"Aw no!"..... and started bawling his head off.

More than astonished.... the barman leaned over the counter and said......

"Here... pal.... your dug just shouted ....Aw no!".

"I know"....said Sammy..... 'He always does that when Scotland lose".

"What does he do if they don't lose?".... asked the barman.

"I don't know"....said Sammy......

I've only had him four years".






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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 17 Feb 2013, 4:00 pm

A farmer way up in wilds of Auchenboogle has successfully
grown a crop of dildoes.


Unfortunately...now he's having trouble with squatters


geek
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 04 Mar 2013, 1:04 pm

Police in Glasgow last night announced the discovery of
an arms cache of two hundred semi automatic rifles with
twenty five thousand rounds of ammunition....

half a ton of heroin... one million pounds in forged bank
of Scotland notes.... and twenty trafficked Ukrainian
prostitutes...all in a house behind the Public Library in
Govan.


Local residents were stunned..... and a community
spokesman said..


"We're all shocked... we never knew we had a library".



Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 10 Mar 2013, 5:10 pm

Somebody banged oan my door this mornin'.. but ah' ignored it and sat in
complete silence.

After a couple o' minutes he banged again.... but ah' jist continued to
ignore it.

The knocks got louder and mair frequent but ah' wis determined not ta
move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to peek through ma' window.

“Dae you think I’m stupid?"...he shouted.... I can see yur in there...
sir..... Open the door”.

I said... “You’re no gettin' in!”.

“I don’t want ta come in"..he said..I jist want ye to step oot o' the car”.


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 19 Mar 2013, 10:54 am

Somewhere in a Glasgow housing estate.....


A little Catholic girl was arguing with a Protestant boy.

"I bet my priest knows a lot more than your Minister".

"Well of course he does"...answered the Protestant lad.


"You tell him everything!".


Angel

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 19 Mar 2013, 8:52 pm

Wee Sandy... found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "mastermind".

After the presenter had exchanged the usual greetings and enquired his name and occupation

Sandy declared his "chosen specialist subject" to be "A history of Scottish roads".


His first question was .. "The name of the road built by General Wade is the Corriairack what?".

sandy replied... "Pass".


The question master continued by enquiring....

"The road near the Devil's Elbow is known as the Cairnwell what?"...

Sandy's answer came loud and clear..... "Pass".


Continuing on.... the questioner asked..."The road three miles north of Pitlochry is known as the
Killiecrankie what?".

And for a third time Sandy answer was... "Pass".


At this juncture a wee woman's voice from the studio audience was heard to shout...

"that's right...son... tell him sod all!".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 22 Mar 2013, 9:39 am

The wee Glasgow woman and a baby went to the doctor's surgery.

The doctor examined the baby and pronounced it's weight to be
well below average.

"Is the baby breast fed or bottle fed?"....he asked.

"Breast fed ....doctor".

"Right...strip to the waist ...please"...he instructed.

He then rolled...pressed and pinched both breasts in a rigorous
examination.

"No wonder the baby is underweight.......you don't have any
milk!"....he exclaimed.


"Ah know...doctor...Ah'm the granny....but ah'm glad ah came".





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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 23 Mar 2013, 11:56 am

The old Scot went into the hospital outpatients department to
see the urologist.

At the reception desk he gave his name and date of birth.

"Oh...yes"...said the somewhat overbearing receptionist in a
very loud... clear voice.

"You are here to see the doctor about your inability to have an
erection ....Is that right?".

The old Scot glanced at all the patients in the waiting room
who had all by now stopped reading their magazines and were
staring intently at hm.

In an equally loud tone he replied....

"Naw...naw...Hen.
Ah've come tae enquire aboot a sex change operation....

An ah'd like the same surgeon that did yours!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 24 Mar 2013, 11:56 am

A Glasgow bricklayer went to his doctor complaining of an inability
to go to the toilet.

"RIGHT...strip frae the waist doon and bend ower my desk"....
ordered the doctor.

He then got a golf club and gave the bricklayer an almighty blow
across his bottom.

"Now go tae the toilet doon the hall and see how you get oan".

Five minutes later the chap was back.

"Wonderful...doctur...Ah' had a great movement".

"GOOD"...said the doctor..."Now Just don't wipe yur bum wi' empty
cement bags in future".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 24 Mar 2013, 12:31 pm

The wee woman had only been in the shop for ten minutes....but when she came
out there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.

"Come On!".She said to the traffic warden..."Have you people no shame?".

The traffic warden ignored her and finished writing the ticket. She then stuck it on
the window of the vehicle.

"You know what you are?"....said the wee woman. "You are a slimy sleazeball.
You should have been in the Gestapo. All you want to do is make people's lives a
misery".

"RIGHT!"...exclaimed the traffic warden. "Fur Aw that cheek ah'm gonnae give you
another fine!"...and started to write out another ticket.

"You are the lowest of the low"...continued the wee woman. "Naebuddy in the world
could like somebuddy like you. you jist like handin' oot misery tae other folks".

By this time the traffic warden had put the second ticket on the front window.
She turned and said..."Ah'm fed up wi your attitude.Ah'm only doin' ma public duty.
It's posh folks like you that make me sick.So yur getting another ticket!". ..and she
started to write out yet another parking fine.

The wee woman turned on her heel and was about to walk away...when the traffic
warden shouted...."HEY...where dae you think you're goin'?".

"ROON the corner"...came the reply. "That's where ma bus stop is".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 29 Mar 2013, 8:34 pm

Big Tam went into the ironmongers shop.

He said to the shopkeeper..."Gizza bottle of Methylated Spirits...pal".

"Get lost!"....said the shopkeeper..."You'll just drink it".

"No me pal"...says Tam. "Go on...gizz wan bottle of methylated spirits".

"I told you ...you can't have one. you'll just drink it".

"Honest ..pal...cross my heart...Ah' promise ah' won't".

Awright...then. here's wan. That'll be a pound"...said the shopkeeper
taking a bottle off the shelf.


Big Tam asked...."Any chance o' wan oot the fridge?".


drunken
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 02 Apr 2013, 8:52 pm

After twenty five years in the same parish A priest was being honoured
by his parishioners with a special dinner. Many important people had
been invited.

Before the meal the priest was invited to say a few words.

"Ladies and gentlemen...unfortunately I got my initial impression of
this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought the Bishop
had assigned me to a terrible place. this man told me that he had stolen
money from his parents....had affairs with five married women...had
incestuous relationships...had taken many bribes and backhanders....
and had used and sold drugs.

I was appalled. But as the days went on...I learned that the people here
were not all like that...and indeed this parish is really made up of warm
and caring people".

Just as the priest finished his talk.....the local Member of the Scottish
Parliament arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately got
to his feet to give a speech.


"Ladies and gentlemen...I'll never forget the day our new parish priest
arrived. In fact I had the honour of being the first person to go to him
for confession".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 03 Apr 2013, 1:43 pm

Jimmie needed to get rid of his old carpet.

He put it in his front garden and put a sign on it...

'Free carpet. Help yourself'.

A week went by and the carpet was still there. So
Jimmie put a different sign on it...

'For Sale £25'.

The next time he looked out the window the carpet
had been stolen.


Very Happy

......................................

"What is your occupation?"...asked the sheriff.

"Ah don't have any"....replied the defendant. "Ah just
sort of circulate around".

"Please note"...said the sheriff turning to the clerk of
the court...this gentleman is retired from circulation
for sixty days".


Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 04 Apr 2013, 7:21 pm

The lawn bowler was away on business when he got a call on his mobile.


"Dad...I'm phoning to let you know that Wee Tam the Terrier has died".

"Oh...NO!...Not Wee Tam. I loved that wee dug. How did he die?".

"Well dad...You know the kennel you built in the garden? Well...it went on
fire...and Wee Tam died".

"Terrible!...but tell me...how did the kennel catch fire?".

"It wis the flames aff the garden hut...dad".

"The garden hut up in flames! How on earth did the hut catch fire?".

"It wis from sparks aff the hoose...dad".

"Sparks aff the hoose?.... How did oor hoose go on fire?".

"The curtains in the living room set the hoose on fire".

"How on earth did the curtains catch fire?".

"It wis from the flames aff the candles".

"Candles?.... Was there an electricity failure?".

"Naw...dad...they fell aff the coffin".

"A coffin!...Who's dead?".

"Mum's dead!".

"Mum.s dead!...How did mum die?".

"Well...ye see dad...she came in late one night and the lights
weren't on...and ah' thought it wis a burglar. So ah' hit her
over the head wi wan o' yer new bowls".


SILENCE......


"Listen son....see if you've damaged wan o' my new bowls
you're in big trouble!".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 09 Apr 2013, 11:47 pm

A priest is sent to the outer Hebrides.

After a few years the bishop goes to visit him.

"How are you doing up here?"....the bishop asks.

"It's really cold and damp"...the priest answers.
"If it weren't for my Rosary and my two martinis
every evening...I don't think I could Make it.

By the way would you like a martini?".

"Don't mind if I do"...says the bishop.

The priest shouts through to the kitchen....

"Rosary...bring the bishop a martini".




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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 27 May 2013, 9:29 am

Wee Mary finally agreed to let big Tam take her out on a date on Friday night.

When he arrived at her house her dad explained to Tam how to get her in and
out of tam's car and how to fold up her wheelchair.

Tam takes her for a nice meal... then on to the pictures.

On the way home Mary asks him if he fancies going for a bit of fun up at lover's
lane... and do what everybody else does up at lover's lane at night.

Tam agrees... then asks how are they going to have sex with her in a wheelchair?.

She pulls out a rope and says for him to tie her up against the tree.

After several hours of passion ...Tam unties Mary... then takes her home.

Mary's father meets them at the door... and after pushing his daughter inside asks
Tam...."Did you have sex with my Mary?".

Tam looked down at the floor ....blushing... and said... "yes".

Mary's dad quickly grabs big Tam's hand...and shaking it violently says ...

"Thanks son!".

Tam is stunned and asks..... "what are you thanking me for?".



"Well...Tam....most other dates just leave her tied to the tree!!".





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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 27 May 2013, 9:39 am

What a Face lol!
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 17 Aug 2013, 11:12 am

Big sandy took wee Mary for a ride in a taxi.

She was so beautiful he could hardly keep
his eye on the meter.


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 17 Aug 2013, 11:23 am

Jimmy has decided to call his father-in-law the Exorcist...

every time he comes to visit he makes the spirits disappear.


Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 17 Aug 2013, 6:25 pm

An old Scotsman was asked by his pal what he thought of his nearest neighbour.

He replied... "Och.. weel,... he's a decent enough lad... but he's no' exactly a
temperance man.

Only last night he was sittin' there in the pub... juist drinkin' an' drinkin'...

until I could scarcely see him" .


drunken
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 17 Aug 2013, 6:38 pm

The young reporter from Glasgow was flown out by the local paper to cover
the after-effects of a particularly violent earthquake in south-east Europe.

He filed a graphic story which opened....

"God sat on a mountain-top here today.... and looked down on a scene of. . ."

The reporter got an E-mail from his editor in Glasgow.

It read.....

"Forget earthquake... man!.....Interview God".


Razz
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 20 Aug 2013, 9:27 am

When God created Scotland...

He looked down on it with great satisfaction.

Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look.

"Just see".... said God.... "This is the best yet.

Splendid mountains... beautiful scenery.... brave men...
fine women... nice cool weather. And I've given them
beautiful music and a special drink called whisky....
Try some".

Gabriel took an appreciative sip.

"Excellent"... he said.

"But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them?...
Won't they be spoiled by all these things?... Should
there not be some drawback?".

"There is"...said God.

"Just you wait till you see the neighbours they're getting".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 20 Aug 2013, 9:44 am

On discovering they had won ten million pounds on the National
Lottery....

Mr and Mrs Broon sat down to discuss their future.

"After twenty years of washing other people's stairs to earn a crust"..
said Mrs Broon happily.....
"I can finally throw away my old scrubbing brush".


" Of course you can ma wee pet".... said her husband.

"Now we can easily afford to buy you a new one".


affraid
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