Three old ladies were sitting side by side
in their retirement home... reminiscing.

The first old lady recalled shopping at the
green grocers...

and demonstrated with her hands the length
and thickness of a cucumber she could buy
for a penny.

The second old lady nodded....

adding that onions used to be much bigger
and cheaper....

then demonstrated with her hands the size
of two big onions she could buy for a penny.

The third old lady finally chipped in with....

"I can't hear a word you're saying.....

but I remember the guy you're talking about".

Wee Joseph.....

lost a contact lens while playing football in his back
garden.

After a fruitless search....

he told his mammy...

the lens was na where to be found.



Undaunted.....

she went outside and in a few minutes returned with
the lens in her hand.


"How did ye manage to find it.... Maw?"....

Joseph asked.


"We wisnae looking fur the same thing"....
she replied.



“You wis looking fur a small piece o' plastic. ...


I wus looking fur £25 pounds".

Burglers recently broke into the grounds
of the scotland football team and stole
the entire contents of their trophy room.

Police are looking for two men....

carrying a blue and white carpet.

Wee Sammy....

A football goalkeeper....

Was walking along the street one day
when he heard screams from a nearby
building.

He looked up to see smoke billowing
from a fourth floor tenament building
and a woman leaning out holding a
baby.


"Help!....Help!....screamed the woman.

"I need someone to catch my baby!".


A crowd of onlookers had gathered...

but none were confident about catching
a baby dropped from such a great height.

Then wee sammy stepped forward....

"I'm a professional goalkeeper!"....

He shouted up to the woman.

"I'm renowned for my safe hands....

drop the baby and I will catch it....

for me....it will be just like catching a
ball".



The woman agreed.



"Okay!...when I drop my baby....

treat it as if you were catching a ball".



On a count of three....

the woman dropped the baby.



Everyone held their breath as wee sammy
lined himself up to catch it.

there was a huge sigh of relief....

followed by wild cheering as he caught the
baby safely in his arms.


Then he bounced it twice on the ground....

and kicked it fifty yards down the street!.

It had been a terrible season for
Glasgow Rangers....

and one of their fans was so depressed
that he dressed up in his full Rangers
strip and threw himself into the river
clyde.

When the police retrieved his body....

they removed the strip and replaced
it with stockings and suspenders.

the police told the coroner that they
did this....

In order to avoid embarrassing the
family.

The greyhound was a grave disappointment
to everyone in springburn and they all lost
a fortune on him.

"There's only one thing that will improve that
dog...Sammy"....said his long life drinking pal.

"Put some lead in his left ear".

"Sure...and how would I do that ?"...asked Sammy.

"With a shotgun"...came the reply.

The little boy.....

had been sitting close to the confession box
for a long time before father Murphy noticed
him.

"Have you been listening to confessions all
evening?"....

thundered the priest.


"Oh...no...father.

I'm only here since the woman who slept
with the sailor came out".

He had been in a bad road smash.....


and wee sandy had him carried into
the bar.


Big shuggie opened his eyes and looked
around.


"You've been in a bad smash"....
said sandy....

"And I've had you brought in here to bring
you to".



"Very well"....groaned shuggie.....


make both of them double whiskies".

the boy was nervously clutching Jock by the
hand as they marched into the Buchanan street
hairdressers.

"Just sit there and read the comics.....son.

I'll go first"....and he flopped into the chair.



"Trim...sir?"....said the barber.


"Aye....the lot!"....said Jock.


"When you've cut it... I'll have a shampoo.....

then a shave and face massage.....

and onything else ye can think of"....he added.



The barber was jubilant and got to work with
a will.

About an hour later Jock arose....

A credit to tonsorial art.... smelling like the inside
of a beauty parlour.

"Just give the lad a back and sides"...he instructed.

"I'm away for some cigarettes".


Suitibly shorn...the boy went back to his reading.



After what seemed like an age the barber remarked....


"My but your faither's been away a long time".


"Och...that wisnae ma daddy"...he volunteered....

"That's jist a man who offered me threepence if I'd
come in and get my hair cut".

Heard the one about the Scottish baker.

He tried to economise by making the
hole in his doughnuts bigger....

only to discover that the bigger the
hole the more dough it took to go
round them.

Jock decided to brave the inner sanctum of
his employer's office.......

and in a very disgruntled voice said....

"I've been here five years doing the work
of three men for one man's wage....

and I think It's time I had a rise".


"Well....Jock"....said his boss.....


"I couldn't do that.....


but if you'll just tell me the names of the
other two....I'll sack them".

Have you ever wondered.....

where people in hell tell
each other to go?.

.......................................
Twelve wives arrived in purgatory.

"Now ladies"...

said the officiating angel.

"How many of you have been unfaithful
to your husbands?".

Eleven ladies blushingly put up their
hands.

"OK"....sighed the angel....picking up
the telephone.

"Hello...is that hell?....have you got room
for twelve unfaithful wives.....

one of them stone deaf?".

She falls in love with a fellow

Who swells with a foreign air...

He marries her for her money...

She marries him for his hair!.


One of the very best matches

Both are well mated for life...

She's got a fool for a husband...

He's got a fool for a wife.

A rare form of the highland fling

is a drunken Aberdonian throwing
money all over the street.



A true scot is a man who never sends
his pyjamas to the laundry unless he
has a pair of socks stuck in the pocket.


Maggie had put....

"REST IN PEACE".

On the tombstone of her departed husband's
grave.....

but when she discovered that in his will he
had left nothing....

She hastened to the mason.....

and told him to add the words.....

"TILL I GET THERE".

Thomas was delighted by.....

the opportunity to use the golf course at
the swank country club......

and even more so when he hit a hole in one
on the eighth green.


As he bent over to take his ball out of the cup...

a genie popped out.


"This club is so exclusive that my magical services
are available to anyone who hits a hole in one on
this particular green"....the genie explained.

"Any wish you desire shall be granted".

"How about that!" ...said Thomas...and Immediately
requested a longer bobby.

"Your wish is granted"...intoned the genie solemnly...

and disappeared down the hole in a puff of incense.

Thomas continued down the fairway...and as he walked
he could feel his bobby slowly lengthening.

As his game progressed...Thomas could feel it growing
and growing .....down his thigh...out from his shorts....

down past his knee.


"Maybe this wasn't such a great wish after all".....

muttered Thomas to himself....

and headed back to the eighth hole with a bucket
of balls.

Finally he managed a hole in one.....

and when he went to collect the ball.....

he had to hold up the head of his bobby to keep
it from dragging on the ground.

Out popped the genie.

"This club is so exclusive that my magical services
are available to anyone who hits a hole in one on
this particular hole....any wish you ......"

"Aye..... Ah know all that"....interrupted Thomas.

"Could ye make ma' leg's longer pal".