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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
 Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
 |  Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 25 Dec 2009, 7:11 am | |
| A scot was trying to prove to his
wife that women talk more than
men.
He showed her the results of a
study by a scottish university
professor that indicated that men
use about twelve thousand words
each day....
whereas women use twenty four
thousand words.
His wife was not too sure about this
and thought about it for a while.
Then she said that if it was true...
it was only because men never
listened...
and women had to repeat everything
they said.
Her husband looked up from his
newspaper and said...
"WHAT?".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 26 Dec 2009, 7:42 am | |
| The scotsman of eighty five
married a young lass of
eighteen.
After a year of bliss...
his wife had a baby.
The husband went to visit his
wife and child at the local
maternity unit.
"My"...said the sister in charge..
"You really are a fit man for your
age".
"Aye..sister"..he replied...
"You've got to keep the engine
running".
A year on..another baby arrived..
and again the husband visited the
maternity unit.
"My"...said the same sister in charge.
"You really..really are a fit man for
your age".
"Aye..sister"...he replied...
"You've got to keep the engine
running".
A further year on...yet another
baby arrived.
Again the husband visited the
maternity unit.
"Nice to see you again"...
said the sister.
"Aye sister you've got to keep
the engine running".
"Well ye better change yer oil"...
she replied.
"This wan's black!".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 27 Dec 2009, 8:54 am | |
| A man who's parents had died at an early age
went to see a specialist..to see if he could
improve his own longevity.
The specialist told him..that although the
formula for a long life was unusual.....
he should try it.
The secret was that he had to sprinkle
a little gunpowder on his porridge every
morning.
The man did this and lived to ninety eight.
When he died...
he left six children...
twenty four grandchildren......
Fifty six great grandchildren....
And a twenty foot hole in the wall
of the crematorium.
Last edited by skinman {kan} on Mon 28 Dec 2009, 5:02 am; edited 1 time in total |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 27 Dec 2009, 9:15 am | |
| Granny was complaining about the
cost of living.
"See when ah wis a wee girl.....
Ah could go out with threepence
and come back with two loaves...
a dozen eggs...
two pints of milk...
a pound of cheese...
and ten Woodbine cigarettes for
my faither".
"Aye"..said her grandson...
"That's Inflation for you".
"It's nothing to do with Inflation"...
said Granny.
"It's aw they security cameras
they have now!". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 27 Dec 2009, 10:14 am | |
| Two men got to talking in a pub in Edinburgh.
"So..do you work near here?".....asked one fellow.
"Yes... I work at the Scottish parliament"."Are you a member of the scottish parliament?"."No..No..I'm a logic analyst"."And what in the world does a logic analyst do?"."Oh..we work on the logic of proposed bills going
through the parliament.
logic can explain anything in this world...
you know".....said the logic analyst."Let me explain in simple terms.
Do you have a goldfish at home?"."As it happens I do"."Well..It's logical to assume you keep it in a bowl
or a pond.
which is it?".It's in a pond"."Then It's logical to assume you have a large garden?"."Yes I have a large garden"."And if you have a large garden it is logical to assume
you have a large house"."Yes..I've got a large five bedroomed house.
In fact I built it myself"."Given that you've built a five bedroom house...
It is logical to assume that you haven't built it for
yourself...
and that you are quite probably married"."Yes I'm married and have four children"."Then it is logical that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis"."At least four times a week"."Then it is logical that you do not masturbate very
often"."Me?...Never"."There you are then.
from finding out if you have a goldfish....
I've told you about your sex life"."Very Impressive.
Thanks for explaining logic to me".The following day the man was talking to his pal
and telling him about meeting the logic analyst
from the scottish parliament."So how does it work?"...asked his pal.
"Well do you have a goldfish?"."No"...said his pal."Then you're a wanker".  |
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mraztec3{KAN}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 435
Age: 16
City/Country: Olive Branch, USA
: Clan Member, he hopes hes better at black ops than he was at l4d2, probably not though -)
Fav MP game: CoD4
Fav MP map: No favorites, but I do have dislikes
Fav SP game: Prototype, Skyrim
Xfire: noobpatrolz3
TeamSpeak: mraztec3
Registration date: 2009-03-18
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 27 Dec 2009, 2:58 pm | |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 27 Dec 2009, 5:27 pm | |
| Wee Alex was in a curry hoose...
flicking through the menu and
idly munching on poppadoms.
After a few minutes he called the
waiter over.
"Waiter...
could ye possibly explain something
on the menu to me?".
"Oh...most certainly... sir"...
replied the waiter cheerfully.
"I know Indian food pretty well"...
said Alex.
"But I've never heard o' this dish afore...
Lamb Tarka.
Surely ye mean lamb Tikka?".
The waiter shook his head and said...
"No sir...we mean Lamb Tarka.
It is very similar indeed to Lamb Tikka...
you are most correct...
But it's just a little 'Otter". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 28 Dec 2009, 6:59 am | |
| An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman.
So..he visited the doctor to find out how to go
about it.
The doctor said...
"This is a very delicate and dangerous operation.
you see...in order to make you Irish..
I'll have to remove half your brain.
are you happy with that?".
"Yes.. that's okay...
said the Englishman.
I've always wanted to be Irish...
and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead...
but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror
on the doctors face.
"I'm so terribly sorry"...
said the doctor.
"Instead of removing half your brain...
I've taken the whole brain out".
The patient replied...
"Nae problem Jimmy...
sure..a'm no worried".  |
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Lady of Winter {KAN}
Queen of the P90 - shooter of the AK47. Claymore expert
 Number of posts: 1490
Age: 44
City/Country: Earth
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: Naked Volleyball and Twister.
Fav MP map: BOG!!!
I miss BOG!!
Fav SP game: LOL
Xfire: ladyofwinter
TeamSpeak: 1st Lady {KAN}
Registration date: 2008-03-15
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 28 Dec 2009, 1:53 pm | |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 29 Dec 2009, 1:16 pm | |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 30 Dec 2009, 1:09 pm | |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 30 Dec 2009, 1:23 pm | |
| A wee Glasgow woman is driving along
The motorway...
when her husband phones.
He says...
"Be careful dear...
it says on the radio that some idiot is
driving along the Motorway the wrong
way”.
She says...
“It’s no just one....
There’s hundreds of them".
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 30 Dec 2009, 5:25 pm | |
| A large and very loud American goes into a pub in Glasgow.
"I hear tell all you Scottish people are real hard drinkers"....
he says in a big booming voice.
"Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is!.
Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky
one after the other and give you £100 pounds if you can do it".
No one takes up the challenge.
One wee scot even leaves!.
"Well... there ya go... sure proves my point!"...
the American says disgustedly.
A few minutes later the wee scot who left comes in and says...
"Hey Big Man... is that bet still oan?".
"Sure as hell is!"... and the American orders a line up of 20
glasses of whisky.
The wee man runs along the bar grabbing each glass and throwing
back the amber nectar... to huge cheers and the astonishment of
the American.
The American of course tries to do the same...
but can't pass the 17th glass....
so he gives the bloke the £100.
"Tell me"... slurs the Yank... "where did you go before you .hic!.
came back in again".
"Eh?.. och aye"... says the wee scot...
pocketing the cash...
"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 01 Jan 2010, 9:58 am | |
| "See you an' me...Mary"...said big Tam.
"We've been married for seven years...
and never agreed on wan thing!".
"Aye...and yur wrang again"...said Mary.
"It's been six years". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 01 Jan 2010, 10:42 am | |
| Shuggie leaned over and asked Mary....
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together
over fifty years ago?.
We went behind the village tavern and you leaned against
the back fence and I made love to you".
"Yes"... she said... "I remember it well".
"OK".. he said...
"How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?".
"Oh Shuggie.. you old devil.. that sounds like a crazy....
but good idea!”.
A policeman sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and... having a chuckle to himself...thought....
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he followed them.
The elderly couple hobbled along... leaning on each other
for support aided by walking sticks.
they got to the back of the tavern and made their way to the fence.
The old lady lifted her skirt and the old man dropped his trousers.
As she leaned against the fence..... the old man moved in.
Suddenly they erupted into the most furious sex that the policeman
had ever seen.
This went on for about ten minutes while both were making loud noises
and moaning and screaming.
Finally... they both collapsed... panting on the ground.
The policeman was amazed.
He thought he had learned something about life and old age.
lying on the ground recovering... the old couple struggled to their feet
and put their clothes back on.
The policeman was still watching and thought to himself...
"that was truly amazing... I've got to ask them what's their secret".
So... as the couple passed... he said to them...
"Excuse me... but that was something else.
You must have a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?".
Shaking... the old man was barely able to reply....
"See Fifty years ago..son.. that fence wasn't electrified!". |
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