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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 02 Mar 2010, 12:29 pm

Wee Hughie was quite a character....

And this was his umpteenth appearance
for poaching...salmon no less.

His friend's were so worried that they hired a
very able young lawyer who very convincingly
proved his client's innocence...

He hadn't been within ten miles of the river.

The case was dismissed and everybody was
happy except hughie who asked of the
magistrate....

"And does that mean I can keep the fish..Sir?".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 02 Mar 2010, 1:11 pm

Jock McGillvery...

The ventriloquist...

Was momentarily out of work and had gone
to spend a few days at his sister's place.

He was on his way down for his morning
dram when a big shaggy dog fell in at his
side.

Jock gave him a friendly pat and motioned
him to run along...but the dog persisted in
following him.

When he got to the local pub...the brute
was still with him...sitting at his heel as
he ordered his drink.

For a laugh jock looked down at him and
said....

"Well...and are you having your usual?".

"Oh...no thanks...I've had enough this
morning"...the dog appeared to say.

The barman was flabbergasted....

Especially as the conversation went on
for quite a time.

When his wits did return he made jock an
immediate offer of 30 pounds.

"Not on your life!"...said jock...still having
his fun.

"Man...I've had him since he was a pup
and a better friend you couldn't find".

There were nods of approval from the
now crowded bar....

but the barman was a persistent fellow
and raised his offer to 50 pounds.

Jock shook his head...and then it came...

"100 pounds?".

Jock was startled.

He put on a woebegone expression.

"Man"...he said..

"being out of work I'd be daft to refuse.

Quick...let's have the money afore I change
my mind".

"Mind now"...he added...making for the door...

"Take good care of him".

With a last look at the dog ...he said...

"Farewell... old pal!".

"Old pal...my aunt fannie!"...was the withering
reply...

"After what you've just done I'll never speak
to another human as long as I live!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 02 Mar 2010, 1:34 pm

A true scot is a man who never sends his pyjamas
to the laundry unless he has a pair of socks stuck
in the pockets.
--------------

A rare form of the highland fling is a drunken
aberdonian throwing money all over the street.
--------------

Then there was the reunion of old friends.

The Englishman brought a case of beer.

The Irishman brought an enormous cooked ham.

And the Scotsman brought his brother.
---------------

And what about the three Scotsmen who
were found drowned in a loch?.

Turned out that they had bet each other
a shilling as to who could stay under longest...

winner take all.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 03 Mar 2010, 2:27 pm

Many years ago....

A middle aged farmer from Inversporran
married a pretty young thing and were
driving home after the wedding reception.

Suddenly the horse reared up on it's hind
legs.

"Whoa there lass!"...he cautioned.

"That's once!".

A few minutes later it reared up again.

"Whoa...lass...dammit!"...he yelled.

"That's twice!".

When the horse reared up for the third
time he picked up his gun...

walked round to it and without a word
shot it right between the eyes.

His young bride was horrified.

"You big bully!"...she shouted....

"Just because the poor animal.....

"Whoa ....there...lass!"...he responded.

"That's once!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 03 Mar 2010, 2:47 pm

Rab was due to speak at a meeting in
the village hall and was very anxious
to make a good impression.

To his horror...a few minutes before
the meeting opened he broke his
artificial teeth.

"Don't worry about that"....said one
of the platform party....

"I've got a friend who'll fix you up...
no bother".

Off he went and in a few minutes
returned with a choice of dentures
for the unfortunate speaker.

Rab was delighted to find a set which
fitted so well and saw him through the
evening successfully.

"That must be a wonderful Dentist
friend you have"...he said afterwards.

"To be able to fix me up like that".

"My friend is not a Dentist"...came the
reply.....

"He's an undertaker".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 06 Mar 2010, 6:17 am

Young Hughie....

All the way from Sutherland way up in the highlands...

had been appointed Scottish representative with an
agricultural Implementation firm in london.

It was his first visit ever to the "Big Smoke"...and
after an exciting day with his sales director...

(Slap up dinner and all that sort of thing)...

He had a couple of hours to put in before the train
took him back home to the land of the haggis.

He inevitably ended up in SOHO.

His eyes were popping out of his head at the mind
boggling displays outside the strip joints...when...

suddenly...a coloured girlie sidled up to him.

"Say Honey"...she began.....

"How'd you like to come home with me?".

"Away ye go...Lassie"... shouted Hughie.....

"What would a man like me be doing in Africa?".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 06 Mar 2010, 6:28 am

Not all Scots are lacking in emotion
as many of our alien detractors make
us out to be.

I remember fine getting into a game of
poker in a commercial hotel one wet night

and half way through....

one of my pals....

(I think he had a royal flush)....

slumped to the floor dead.

You may not believe me...

But we finished the game standing up.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 06 Mar 2010, 7:07 am

The tinker stood outside the highland farmer's door.

"Give us twopence fur a bed...Sir?".

"Let me see it first"...replied the farmer.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 08 Mar 2010, 7:28 pm

After many years....

Sandy met his old english rival.. George.

"And how many children have you got?"...

said George.

Sandy replied...

"I have three boys...

the eldest is a judge...

then there is a neuro-surgeon...

and the youngest is a nuclear physicist.

and you?".

"As it happens..I also have three sons.

The eldest is a champion boxer...

the second is a first class wrestler...

and the baby a karate expert.

Why don't you bring your boys over?....

I'll see that they get a bloody good hiding".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 10 Mar 2010, 12:32 pm

Big Sammy....

thought he was a dog....

so he went to see a psychiatrist.

"It's terrible"...said Sammy.

"I walk around on all fours....

I keep barking in the middle of the
night...

and I can't go past a lamp
post any more".

"Okay"...said the psychiatrist.

"Get on the couch".

"Sammy replied.....

"I'm not allowed on the couch".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 12 Mar 2010, 3:37 am

"Look Tam....

I'm not one for complaining....

but will you flippin' well put down
your boots a little quietly.

Let's leave the ceiling up...mate"..
said the landlord.

Tam was contrite...

but as he was going to bed that night
he forgot and threw one boot down
with a crash.

Immediately he realised his mistake and
he put the other boot down gently.

he had been asleep for an hour or two
when he was awakened by a pounding
on his door....

it was the landlord.

"For goodness sake.... Tam....

Will you hurry up.....

and Throw down your other boot!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 15 Mar 2010, 7:21 pm

Archie goes to the doctor and says.....

"Doc...I need a double dose of Viagra".

The doctor says....

"A double dose?...that's not safe....

you could have serious side effects!...

sorry...but I can't help you".


"But doc...I've got a big weekend
coming up!....

On friday..I'll be seeing my girlfriend...

on Saturday..I'll see my ex-wife...

and on Sunday...I'll see my wife...

please help me".


The doctor says..."Well...all right.

but you have to come in on Monday to
see me...to make sure you are all right".


On Monday morning...Archie goes into
the doctors office...with his right arm in
a sling.


"What on earth happened to you?"....

asks the doctor.


Archie says.......

"Nobody Showed Up!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 15 Mar 2010, 7:40 pm

Shocked
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PostSubject: scottish humour   Tue 16 Mar 2010, 2:34 am

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 16 Mar 2010, 3:48 am

Is that an excerpt from Mono's autobiography, Stories from the Life of a Swedish Noob?
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 16 Mar 2010, 4:17 pm

Wee alec's front doorbell rang...

He opened it to find his mother in law
standing at the door with a suitcase
in each hand.

"Can I stay here for a few days?"....
she asked.

"Sure you can"....alec replied...

And shut the door in her face.



-------------------------

Then there was Edward....

Who desperately wanted to have sex
with his girlfriend.

However...he was too embarrassed
because of his extremely small part.

So.. one night he took her to a dark
place where she couldn't see it.

After making out furiously for about
an hour with her....

He dropped his pants and put his part
in her hand.


"Sorry...I don't smoke"...she whispered.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 16 Mar 2010, 5:24 pm

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 21 Mar 2010, 1:10 pm

A three legged dog walks into a saloon
in the old west.

He slides up to the bar and announces...

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 23 Mar 2010, 7:50 am

The chief of staff of the Royal Air Force decided that he would
personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting the R.A.F.

So... he directed that a nearby Royal Air Force base be opened
and that all elgible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new jet Fighter..

a pair of twin brothers...Tam and Sandy who looked a bit worse
for wear walked up to them.

The chief of staff stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first scotsman and asked...

"tell me what skills can you bring to the Air Force?".

Tam looks at him and says...

"I pilot!".


The chief of staff gets all excited...

turns to his aide and says... "Get him in today...

all the paper work done... everything... do it!".


The aide hustles Tam off.


The chief of staff looks at Sandy and asks...

"What skills to you bring to the Royal Air Force?".

Sandy says.. "I chop wood!".


"Son"... the chief of staff replies...

"we don't need wood choppers in the Royal Air Force..


what do you know how to do?".


"I chop wood!".


"Young man.... you are not listening to me...

we don't need wood choppers...

this is the 21st century!".


"Well"...Sandy says...

"you hired my brother!".


"Of course we did... he's a pilot!".


Sandy scratches his head and says...


"But I have to chop it before he can pile it!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 23 Mar 2010, 8:15 am

Big Sammy was on trial at the old bailey in london
for murder and if convicted...

would get life Imprisonment.

His brother found out that a Glasgow man was on
the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe.

He told the Scottish juror that he would be paid
1,000 pounds if he could convince the rest of the
jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with
a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial...


the brother went to the Scottish juror's house and
told him what a great job he had done and paid
him the 1,000.

he replied....


that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury
to change the charge to manslaughter.

They all wanted to let him go.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 26 Mar 2010, 10:33 am

Two gay Scotsmen....

Decided they would like to have a baby.

They didn't want to adopt because they
wanted the baby to be as close to their
own as possible.

So...they both sent their specimens in a jar and
had the doctor use it to impregnate
a female friend.

Nine months later...the pair were looking
adoringly at their baby in the hospital nursery.

All the other babies were screaming and crying..

but theirs was a picture of contentment.

"Look"...said one of the men....

"Our baby is the best behaved one in here".

Hearing this...a passing nurse remarked...

"Now he's quiet....

But just you try taking the pacifier out of his bottom".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 26 Mar 2010, 3:12 pm

Hamish about to leave on holiday....

was told by a friend that the best
thing to bring luck was to throw a
coin over every bridge he passed.

On returning home he was asked how
he had got on.

"I got on fine!"...he said.

"Passing over the river Dee...then the
river Tay was nae bother at awe...

but when it came to that Forth road bridge
ma luck ran oot.... ye see the string got
caught on wan o' them girders and I lost
ma penny!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 27 Mar 2010, 9:31 am

Mrs Broon was a very careful housekeeper....

Her loving husband...Andy...handed over his
pay packet unopened every week.

One week she looked and found there was
ten pence short.

"Andy!"... she said...

"You're ten pence short".

Andy explained that he had felt very hungry
and had bought himself a bar of chocolate.

Next week she looked again and the pay packet
was still ten pence short.

Andy again explained apologetically that his
hunger had got the better of him and he had
taken ten pence.

The third time it happened...she could contain
herself no longer.

"Andy"...she said...

"Haven't I been a good wife to you?".

"Yes dear...the best".

"Andy...haven't I managed everything for you
and seen to all your needs?".

"Yes...dear".

"Then I think I am entitled to know....

Who is this other woman?".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 31 Mar 2010, 9:23 am

It was a pefect sunny day..

( It has been known in Scotland..sometimes we have even had two in a row ).

Big Eddie was driving along the road heading towards his favorite loch.....

where he intended spending his day off work fishing.

About an hour from his destination...he spotted a man dressed from head to
toe in red standing by the side of the road...gesturing him to stop.

Eddie pulled over...wound down his window and asked....

"How can I help you?".


"I am the red Asshole of the Asphalt"...replied the man in red.

"You got anything to eat?".

Blessed with a generous spirit on such a beautiful day.....

Eddie handed the man one of his sandwiches before resuming
his journey.

A few miles down the road...Eddie noticed a man dressed all in
yellow standing by the side of the road..beckoning him to stop.

Mildly irritated by this second interruption to his progress....

Eddie called out....

"What do you want?".

"I am the yellow asshole of the asphalt"...replied the man in
yellow.

"Got anything to drink?".

Eddie handed him a can of coke and quickly drove off.

Not wanting to lose any more time....

he put his foot down in an attempt to reach the loch by
lunchtime....

but a few miles further down the road..he saw a guy
dressed all in blue standing by the side of the road...

gesturing to him to stop.

Frustrated at yet another delay...Eddie pulled over...

wound down the window and yelled....

"Let me guess...you're the blue asshole of the asphalt..

what the hell do you want?".

The man in blue replied....

"Driver's licence and registration...please!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 03 Apr 2010, 9:27 am

A priest is browsing in a busy glasgow shop in town.

When he returns to his car he discovers he is being
given a parking ticket.....


while the traffic warden is writing out the ticket...

the priest asks...

"Oh...you couldn't waive the ticket could you now
son?".....

but the traffic warden replies....


"Oh...father...I'm so sorry...but I've begun to write
it and I'm not allowed to stop halfway through.

If you'd just been a minute quicker".



"Oh well"...says the priest...

"I'm terrible with parking I never remember what the
time is or where I have parked....to be sure".



"That's very decent of you father"...
says the traffic warden.

"Quite often when this happens...we traffic wardens
get given a whole load of abuse".



"Oh my goodness...that's awful"...says the priest.

"After all your only doing your job aren't you?....

now...there's a tea party at the abbey this sunday....

would you like to come over?".



"Well...father...that's very nice of you to ask....

I'd love to...and thanks again for being so
understanding".



"Perhaps you'd like to bring over your father and
mother too"...says the priest.


"I could marry the pair of them while I'm at it!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 04 Apr 2010, 8:09 am

In certain parts of Glasgow...

If everyone is smiling at the
same time...

It's automatically declared

Halloween.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 04 Apr 2010, 8:55 am

Andy worked in the coal mines...

so he was used to the friendly atmosphere
of the little mining village he came from.

Then he moved house and got a job
with a larger mining corporation a little further
up north.

Something seemed strange and different
right from the very beginning

One night when he was in the local bar...

he realised what it was.

"hey..pal"...he said to the barman...

"Aren't there any women in this village?"

"Fraid not"..said the barman.

"The men here had so little to offer that
all the women packed up and went back
to Edinburgh years ago".

Andy's face fell.

"That's pretty grim...what do all the men do
on a Saturday night?".

"They do it with sheep"...was the barman's
cool reply.

"Yeech" Andy retched and left in disgust.

but after a few months of total boredom...

he found himself back in the bar...

and casually inquired as to where the sheep
in question were to be found.

The barman said....

"Just behind the farmhouse at the top of the hill".



One look at the sheep standing around the pen
was enough to send Andy back down the
hill...but just as he turned to leave...

He spotted the cutest little sheep you could ever
hope to see...with big brown eyes...a cute bow
on the top of her head...and not a bit of mud
on her fleece.

Quite smitten..he led her out of the pen....

down the hill...and into the bar for a drink.

But to Andy's surprise his arrival caused quite
a commotion...and all the seedy types backed
away from him into the far corners of the bar.


"Hey..what's up?"...asked Andy angrily at the
barman.

"You told me everyone in the place goes out
with sheep".


"True enough"...admitted the barman...



"But we weren't expecting you to take out

the chief constable's girlfriend".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 09 Apr 2010, 2:52 pm

Donald visited his doctor...

Complaining of seeing striped camels
when he tried to get to sleep.

"Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?"...
asked the doctor.

"No...Never"...replied Donald...

"Just striped camels".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 09 Apr 2010, 2:59 pm

That's nearly as bad as the Scotswoman

Expecting child number five....

Was horrified to read in the newspaper

that every fifth person born in the world

was Chinese.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 11 Apr 2010, 9:35 am

Ewan wanted a job as a signalman on the railways and
he was told to meet the Inspector at the signal box.

The Inspector puts this question to him.


"What would you do if you realized that two trains were
heading for each other on the same track?".


Ewan said....

"I would switch the points for one of the trains".



"What if the lever broke?"...asked the Inspector.



"Then I'd dash down out of the signalbox"...

said Ewan....

"And I'd use the manual lever over there".




"What if that was all rusted up..and wouldn't budge?".



"Then"...Ewan continued....

"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next
signal box".



"What if the phone was busy?".


"Well in that case"...persevered Ewan....


"I'd rush down and use the emergency phone along
the track".


"What if that was vandalized?".


"Oh'....well...then I'd run into the village and get my
uncle tam".


this puzzled the Inspector...so he asked......


"Why would you get your uncle?".




"Because he's never seen a train crash".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 15 Apr 2010, 10:10 am

An American.....

was being shown around Edinburgh by his scottish
relative.

They came to Holyrood Palace.

"How long did it take to build this Palace?"....
asked the American.

"I believe it took more than twenty years"...
replied his relative.

"You scots must be lazy"...said the boastful
American....

"In America this would have been built in ten
years".

They then went over to the scottish parliament
building.

"And how long did it take to build this parliament?"...
asked the American.

"Five years".

"You scots must be really lazy...in America this would have
been built in two years".

Finally... they came to Edinburgh castle.

"And how long did it take to build this castle?"...
asked the American.

"I'm not sure"...said his scottish relative.

"It wisnae there yesterday!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 15 Apr 2010, 10:41 am

Two elderly widows in Glasgow were talking.

"Mabel...that nice widower...John Mackintosh...

has asked me to go out on a date with him...

I know you went out on a date with him recently
and I wanted to talk with you...before I gave him
an answer".


"Well...Christine...let me tell you what happened.

he showed up at my flat at seven o' clock prompt..

brought me flowers...and off we went in his new
Jaguar car..to the best restaurant in town.


It was a beautiful meal...champagne...the lot.

It was just lovely...and he was so charming.

then...when he took me home...he turned into
a wild beast.

he went completely crazy...tore off my expensive
new dress..... and had his wicked way with me....

twice".


"Goodness gracious...so...you are telling me I
shouldn't go out with him?".

"No...No...all I'm saying is....

wear an old dress".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 16 Apr 2010, 6:48 pm

An anthropologist....

had been studying an obscure Thai hill tribe
when he contracted a particularly virulent
case of jungle rot and was dead in a week.

His heartbroken widow accompanied the
casket back to Edinburgh.....

where she invited his three best friends to
attend an intimate funeral.

When the brief service was over....

she asked each of the friends to place an
offering in the casket....

as had been the custom of the tribe he
had been living with.

"It would mean a great deal to herbert"...

she said...then broke down into racking
sobs.

Moved to tears himself...the first friend...

an English doctor...gently deposited one
hundred pounds in the coffin.

Dabbing his cheeks...the second friend...

an American stockbroker...laid one hundred
and fifty pounds on the deceased Herbert's
pillow.

The third friend...a glasgow lawyer......

wrote a check for four hundred and fifty
pounds...put it in the casket.....

and pocketed the cash.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 24 Apr 2010, 10:39 am

One day......

Miss Broon feels sickly and goes to the doctor.

The doctor looks her over and says....

"Well now... Miss Broon.

I'm a bit perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine
sample to me first in the morning I can tell exactly what's
wrong".

Miss Broon went home and said to her father...

"The doctor wants me to take him a urine sample in the morning.

I don't know exactly how........ what am I to do?".

her father replied....

"I don't know either.......

but if you go see Mrs. thomson.....

she'll know what to do".

Miss Broon then went down the road to Mrs. Thomson's house.....

and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn.....

a black eye.. bruises all over her body.. and her hair tangled
like a bird's nest.

her shocked father gasped.....

"Crivvens...Jings...and help ma boab... lass!....
Whit happened to ye?".

"I went to see that Mrs. Thomson and asked her what a urine
sample was and she said.....

"Go Piss in a bottle.... lass".

So..... Ah' said......

"Go sh*t in yer hat.... Mrs. Thomson".


And that's when the fight started!.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 25 Apr 2010, 9:16 am




"Well... Mrs. wallace.... so you want a divorce?"...
the solicitor questioned his client.

"Tell me about it.
Do you have a grudge?".

"Naw'... Naw'"...
replied Mrs.wallace.

"Sure we huv a carport".

The solicitor tried again.

"Well... does your man beat you up?".

"Naw'... naw'"....
said Mrs. Wallace looking puzzled.

"Ah'm always first oot o' bed".

Still hopeful.... the solicitor tried once again.

"Well.... does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?".

"Well now...

he pratices the bagpipes...

but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial".


Now desperate...

the solicitor pushed on.

"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have".


"Bless ye son.....

We live in a flat.... not even a window box.... let alone grounds".


"Mrs. Wallace"..... the solicitor said in considerable exasperation....

"you need a reason that the court can consider.


What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?".


"Ah... well now".... said Mrs. wallace....

"Sure it's because the man canny haud an intelligent conversation".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 26 Apr 2010, 9:57 am

After thirty years of courting....

at last... one beautiful evening on the Isle of Skye
Jean thought it was time to pop the question.

"Sandy"....

she breathed heavily....

"is it not about time we were getting married ?".

After a long silence.

Sandy sighed.

"Aye... Jean...that it is".

A hopeful smile spread over Jean's face.

"Yes.. Jean...

But who would have us ?".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 26 Apr 2010, 10:02 am

The old Scottish woman lay dying.

She looked up and asked her husband if he would do her
just one small favour before she passed on.

"Bobby?...." she asked.....

"on the day of the funeral I would like you to ride in the
same coach as my mother."

Bobby replied....

"All right Flora.

I will do that just to please you.

But you have completely spoilt the day for me".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 26 Apr 2010, 10:31 am

Donald woke up in hospital a few days after complaining of sharp pains in his legs.

his wife came to see him.

" Donald...

I have some good news and some bad".

Donald asked for the bad news first.

" The bad news..dear...

is that they'll have to amputate both your legs".

" My legs!"....

wailed Donald.

" What on earth could the good news possibly be ?".


"Your brother.... Tam.....

says he takes the same size shoe".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 27 Apr 2010, 5:00 pm

LOL!!
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 28 Apr 2010, 7:21 am

It was three o'clock in the morning.....

When the telephone rang beside the
bed of Mactavish...the publican.


"Mr Mactavish?".....

said the alcohol saturated voice of
wee Alex....


"What time do you open in the morning?".


"Ten o'clock...Alex".....
snapped Mactavish....and hung up.


At seven o'clock the phone rang and it
was Alex again.....


"Wash time dush you open.....Hic?".

"Look I already told you Alex...ten o'clock
but you're not going to be let in".

"I' don't...Hic.... wants to get in.....

I wants to gesh out".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 30 Apr 2010, 8:22 am

Andy and Stuart...

were discussing sex..marriage...and values.

Stuart says...

"Ah' didna' sleep with ma wife afore we got
married....

did you?".

Andy replied...

"Ah'm no sure...whit was her maiden name?".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 01 May 2010, 5:19 am

Sandy and Fiona were sitting on top of a hill one sunny evening...

Sandy said to Fiona....

" Without you.... the Highlands are dark and dreary...

the clouds gather... and the wind beats the rain...


With you...comes the warm sun...you are like an island rainbow

in a clear mist free morning".

Fiona replied.....

" Is this a formal proposal or a weather report ?".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 01 May 2010, 5:32 am

A Highland chieftain got a case of cold feet
before A battle against the English.

Calling all the clans together.... he said....

" lads we may not win today...

but you must summen up all your courage
and fight as bravely as you can.

If the worse comes to worse....

run like hell for the hills".

"As for me...

I'm a little lame...

so I'll start now".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 01 May 2010, 5:47 am

An advertisement appeared in a Scottish newspaper.

"A gentleman who has lost a left leg...

would like to correspond with another

who has lost his right leg and takes a size nine shoe...

willing to travel".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 01 May 2010, 5:58 am

A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery...

notices a carved tombstone declaring....


"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".


"Ach... who'd ever think".... he murmered to himself.


"there'd be enough room for two men in that one wee grave".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 06 May 2010, 4:36 pm

What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?.

The accused.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 09 May 2010, 11:00 am

My therapist told me yesterday.....

the only way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today I have finished off ten lagers... two bags of chips...

and a chocolate cake.


I feel better already.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 10 May 2010, 10:34 am

Sven....

A Norwegian pilot serving his country during World War One
was being interviewed for a documentary.

He had been asked about the day he shot down 7 German airplanes.


"Vell A was jus flyin' aloong when suddenly A see this fokker flyin' oop
at me"....

explained Sven in his native accent.

"A looked aroun' and saw there woos another fokker off me right wing
and then two fokkers off me left wing.

There was a fokker behin' me.......

and two fokkers comin' doon at me".



At this point the interviewer interjected.


"Perhaps I should explain to our audience that a Fokker is a
kind of German aircraft".



"Ja".... said Sven....

"Dat... too....


But these pilots were flying Messerschmidts".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 10 May 2010, 2:52 pm

lol! lol! lol!
your a funny focker skin(for a sweaty)lol!!
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 12 May 2010, 5:50 pm

You will have heard about the Inverness doctor....

who had his licence taken away because he was
having affairs with his patients?.


Yes.....

And I think it's a real shame because he was one of
the top veterinarians in the country.

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