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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: scottish humour   Fri 25 Sep 2009, 8:57 pm

HAVE A GO FOLKS SOME OF
YOU MIGHT WORK THEM OUT?.

Jokes only understood
in Scotland ....
.......

A pregnant teenage girl phones
her dad at midnight and says...

"Can you come and get me?.
I think ma water has broken".

"Okay"...

says her dad.

'"Where are you ringing from?"

"From my knickers to ma feet".

...........

A Glasgow woman goes to the
dentist and settles down in the
chair.

"Comfy?"...

asks the dentist.

"Govan"... she replies.

.................
After announcing he's getting
married...

a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?'...

asks his mate.

"Oh...

she'll be wearing a white dress".

..................
Ten cows in a field.

Which one is closest to Iraq ?

Coo eight.
....................
Three wee jobbies sitting on the
pavement.

Which one's a Musketeer?

The dark tan yin.
.......................
A Scotsman in London is
having trouble phoning
his sister from a telephone

box.

So he calls the operator who
asks in a plummy voice:...

"Is there money in the box?

"Naw...

just me"...

..................

While getting ready to go out...

a wee wife says to her husband...

"I think I'm getting a wee bit
pigeon chested?".

And he says...

"Aye...

but that's why I love you
like a doo".
.................

"What's the difference between

The Rolling Stones

and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?.

The Rolling Stones say...

"Hey you...get off of my cloud".

And an Aberdeen sheep farmer
says...

"Hey McLeod...

get off of ma ewe".


While being interviewed for a
job as a bus driver...

a guy is asked...

"What would you do if you had
a rowdy passenger?".

"I'd put him off at
the next stop"..

he says.

"Good... And what would
you do if you couldn't
get the fare?".

"I'd take the first two
weeks in August". he replies.

...............

A Glasgow man ...

drunk and pennyless is walking
down Argyle Street when he spots
a guy tinkering with the engine
of his car!

"What's up pal?"...

he asks.

"Piston broke"...

the guy replies.

"aye...

same as maself.
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 25 Sep 2009, 9:48 pm

Enjoyed the last one, Skin
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 25 Sep 2009, 10:06 pm

me to skin

last one best
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 15 Dec 2009, 1:40 am

An American visitor to Lindores Abbey
was being shown round by the abbot
when a monk shouted out “64!”.

All the other monks roared with laughter.

Another then called out “15!”...
again much laughter.

“What’s going on?”...
asked the visitor.

“They know each other’s jokes inside
out” ....
said the abbot.

“So rather than tell them each time....
they’ve numbered them.

If one calls out a number....
they think of the joke and laugh.

Have a go”.

The visitor called out.. “45!”...
and there was a small ripple of polite
laughter.

“I’m afraid”...
said the abbot...

“that’s not very funny.
Try again”.

So...
the visitor called out... “56!”...
and there was uproar.

“Must have been a good joke”....
he said.

“Yes”...
said the abbot wiping his eyes.

“And we’ve never heard it before”.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 16 Dec 2009, 1:40 am

A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day
he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants
him to do.

The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish
tank.

So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the
brightly coloured tropical fish darting about...
when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his
hand.

He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation
he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.

Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats
to the top.

"Sh*t!"....
thinks our man....
first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits....
what am I going to do?.

He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions
look like the best bet because they will eat anything.

Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions
enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the
fence where it is devoured by the lions.

He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants
him to do next.

The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage.

So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of
the monkey cage when .. splat! a lump of turd hits him on
the back of the head.

He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering
with delight at their new game.

Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries
to carry on cleaning the cage .. splat! goes another turd...
and splat!.. another makes a direct hit.

For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a
fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2
monkeys...
killing them stone dead.

"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man...
look what I've done now...
what am I going to do?.

So he thinks to himself... the lions worked last time maybe
I'll try it again.

they eat anything don't they?.

He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs
then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by
the lions.

Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks
what wants doing next.

Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian
killer bees.

He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive
when a bee stings him...
then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is
buzzing angrily around his head.

In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and
batters every last bee into a pulp.

"Sh*t, Not Again!!!"...

he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat
anything.

so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and
throws it in...
where they are devoured by the lions.

The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo.
He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the
lions.

"Hello".. he says.

"Alright".. say the other lions

"What's it like here then?"... asks the new lion

"Not bad"... say the other lions

"Food ok?"... enquires the new lion
"Yeah.. brilliant...

yesterday we had Fish.. Chimps.. and Mushy Bees!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 16 Dec 2009, 1:50 am

What a woman says.

This place is a mess!.

C'mon.. you and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear..
if we don't do laundry right now!.

What a man hears.

blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. C'MON
blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. YOU AND I
blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. ON THE FLOOR
blah.. blah..blah.. blah.. NO CLOTHES
blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. RIGHT NOW.


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 17 Dec 2009, 1:27 am

INCREASE the life of your carpets
by rolling them up and keeping them
in the garage.

Double glazing is doing great business in
Scotland in hope that the children cannot
hear the ice cream van when it comes round.

A farmer's wife...
who was rather stingy with her whisky...
was giving her shepherd a drink.

As she handed him his glass...
she said it was extra good whisky...
being fourteen years old.

"Weel, missus" ....
said the shepherd regarding his glass
sorrowfully.

"It's very small for its age".

A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi.

She was so beautiful he could hardly keep
his eye on the meter.

Scottish telephone directories make ideal
personal address books.

Simply cross out the names and address
of people you don't know.

HOUSEWIVES ...
I find the best way to get two bottles of
washing.up liquid for the price of one is by
putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 21 Dec 2009, 2:38 am

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage.

It's a warm day....
so he takes off his jacket and drapes it
over a handrail...
where it slips off into a vast tank of poo.

He's just about to dive in when his mate
shouts....

"It's nae guid tae do that...
the jacket's ruined".

"Aye... ah ken"...
he replies....

"But ma sandwiches are in the pocket".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 21 Dec 2009, 2:55 am

Two auld men decide they are close to their
last days and decide to have a last night on
the Town.

After a few bevvies...

they end up at the local knocking shop.

The Madam takes one look at the two old

gezzers and whispers to her manager...

"Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an
inflatable doll in each bed.

These two are so auld and drunk....

I’m no wasting two of my girls on them.

They won’t ken the difference”.

The manager does as she is told and the

two old men go upstairs and take care of
their business.

As they were walking home the first gezzer

says...

"You ken what....

I think my girl was deid!".

"Deid?"...

replies his pal.

"Why do ye say that?".

"Well...

she never moved or made a sound
all the time I was with her".

His pal says....


"It could have been worse...
ah think mine was a witch".

"A witch....

why in heaven would ye say that?".

"Well....

ah was kissing her neck....
and then I gave her a wee nibble on the
neck....
she farted and flew oot the
window and took my teeth with her!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 23 Dec 2009, 10:54 am

Jock and an Englishman were flying from Edinburgh
when the stewardess approached.

"May I get you something?"...
she asked.

"Aye... a whisky"...
Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman
if he'd like one.

"Never!"... he said sternly.

"I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the
way to America than drink whisky!".

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back saying....

"Och....

Ah didna ken there wiz a choice!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 23 Dec 2009, 10:59 am

Jock was travelling by train...
seated next to a stern-faced clergyman.

As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from
his pocket the clergyman glared and said
disprovingly...

"Look here...
I am sixty-five and I have never tasted
whisky in my life!".

"Dinna worry Minister"...
smiled Jock...
pouring himself a dram.

"There's no risk of you starting now!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 23 Dec 2009, 11:16 am

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting
on a low stone wall...
holding hands...
gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and
said...

"A penny for your thoughts Angus".

"Well..uh.. I was thinkin'...
perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss".

The girl blushed...
then leaned over and kissed him lightly on
the cheek.

Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over
the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts Angus".

"Well.. uh.. I was thinkin....
perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee
cuddle.

The girl blushed...
then leaned over and cuddled him for a few
seconds.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch.

After a while.. she again said..

"Another penny for your thoughts Angus".

"Well.. uh.. I was thinkin...
perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my
hand on your leg".

The girl blushed...
then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

The the two turned once again to gaze out
over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts Angus".

The young man glanced down with a furled
brow.

"Well,noo"...
he said.

"my thoughts are a wee bit more serious
this time".

"Really?"...
said the lass in a whisper.....
filled with anticipation.

"Aye"....
said the lad.. nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness....
began to blush...
and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
request.

Then he said.......

"Dae ye no think it's aboot time ye paid me
the three pennies?".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 23 Dec 2009, 11:20 am

When Jock moved to London...

he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances
by boasting about how great Scotland was.

Finally.. in exasperation.. one said...

"Well..if Scotland's so marvellous...

how come you didn't stay there?".

"Well".....
explained Jock.

"they're all so clever up there I had to come down
here to have any chance of making it at all".


Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 25 Dec 2009, 6:34 am

A married couple from glasgow were trying
to live up to the somewhat upmarket
lifestyle of a party they were attending
in Edinburgh.

The conversation turned to Mozart.

"Absolutely brilliant..magnificent....
sheer genious"....
exclaimed one man.

The woman.....
wanting to join the conversation...
remarked casually...
"Ah Mozart.

You are so right.
I love that man.
In fact only yesterday I saw him in
Glasgow at Buchanan street bus
station getting on a number 42 bus".

There was a sudden hush...
and everyone looked at her.

Her husband was mortified.

He whispered to her....
"Right...
get your coat and let's get out of here".

As they drove home.. she
could see he was fuming.

Finally she turned to him and asked...
"Are you angry about something?".

"I've never been so embarrased in all
of my life.
Imagine you saying you saw Mozart at
Buchanan street bus station getting on
a number 42 bus.
you are an absolute idiot.

The number 42 bus doesnae leave frae
Buchanan street bus station!".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 25 Dec 2009, 6:56 am

Wee Tam came home one day and asked
his wife....

"If I was..let's say..severely disfigured...
would you still love me?".

"Darling..I'll always love you"....
she calmly remarked..as she filed her nails.

"How about if I lost all my limbs....
would you still love me.. then?"....
he asked nervously.

"Don't worry.. darling..I'll always love you"...
she told him as she painted her nails.

"Well..If I told you I had lost my eighty five
thousand pounds a year job....
would you still love me.... then?".

"The woman looked up at her husband's
worried face.. as she examined her finished
nails.

"Tam..I'll always love you..but most of all

I'll really miss you".


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 25 Dec 2009, 7:11 am

A scot was trying to prove to his
wife that women talk more than
men.

He showed her the results of a
study by a scottish university
professor that indicated that men
use about twelve thousand words
each day....
whereas women use twenty four
thousand words.

His wife was not too sure about this
and thought about it for a while.

Then she said that if it was true...
it was only because men never
listened...
and women had to repeat everything
they said.

Her husband looked up from his
newspaper and said...

"WHAT?".


scratch
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 26 Dec 2009, 7:42 am

The scotsman of eighty five
married a young lass of
eighteen.

After a year of bliss...
his wife had a baby.

The husband went to visit his
wife and child at the local
maternity unit.

"My"...said the sister in charge..

"You really are a fit man for your
age".

"Aye..sister"..he replied...

"You've got to keep the engine
running".

A year on..another baby arrived..
and again the husband visited the
maternity unit.

"My"...said the same sister in charge.

"You really..really are a fit man for
your age".

"Aye..sister"...he replied...
"You've got to keep the engine
running".

A further year on...yet another
baby arrived.

Again the husband visited the
maternity unit.

"Nice to see you again"...
said the sister.

"Aye sister you've got to keep
the engine running".

"Well ye better change yer oil"...
she replied.

"This wan's black!".

pale
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 8:54 am

A man who's parents had died at an early age
went to see a specialist..to see if he could
improve his own longevity.

The specialist told him..that although the
formula for a long life was unusual.....
he should try it.

The secret was that he had to sprinkle
a little gunpowder on his porridge every
morning.

The man did this and lived to ninety eight.

When he died...

he left six children...

twenty four grandchildren......

Fifty six great grandchildren....

And a twenty foot hole in the wall
of the crematorium.




Last edited by skinman {kan} on Mon 28 Dec 2009, 5:02 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 9:15 am

Granny was complaining about the
cost of living.

"See when ah wis a wee girl.....

Ah could go out with threepence
and come back with two loaves...

a dozen eggs...

two pints of milk...

a pound of cheese...

and ten Woodbine cigarettes for
my faither".

"Aye"..said her grandson...

"That's Inflation for you".

"It's nothing to do with Inflation"...
said Granny.

"It's aw they security cameras
they have now!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 10:14 am

Two men got to talking in a pub in Edinburgh.

"So..do you work near here?".....

asked one fellow.

"Yes... I work at the Scottish parliament".


"Are you a member of the scottish parliament?".

"No..No..I'm a logic analyst".

"And what in the world does a logic analyst do?".

"Oh..we work on the logic of proposed bills going
through the parliament.
logic can explain anything in this world...
you know".....

said the logic analyst.

"Let me explain in simple terms.
Do you have a goldfish at home?".


"As it happens I do".

"Well..It's logical to assume you keep it in a bowl
or a pond.
which is it?".


It's in a pond".

"Then It's logical to assume you have a large garden?".

"Yes I have a large garden".

"And if you have a large garden it is logical to assume
you have a large house".


"Yes..I've got a large five bedroomed house.
In fact I built it myself".


"Given that you've built a five bedroom house...
It is logical to assume that you haven't built it for
yourself...
and that you are quite probably married".


"Yes I'm married and have four children".

"Then it is logical that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis".


"At least four times a week".

"Then it is logical that you do not masturbate very
often".


"Me?...Never".

"There you are then.
from finding out if you have a goldfish....
I've told you about your sex life".


"Very Impressive.
Thanks for explaining logic to me".


The following day the man was talking to his pal
and telling him about meeting the logic analyst
from the scottish parliament.


"So how does it work?"...asked his pal.

"Well do you have a goldfish?".


"No"...said his pal.

"Then you're a wanker".

Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 2:58 pm

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 5:27 pm

Wee Alex was in a curry hoose...
flicking through the menu and
idly munching on poppadoms.

After a few minutes he called the
waiter over.

"Waiter...
could ye possibly explain something
on the menu to me?".

"Oh...most certainly... sir"...
replied the waiter cheerfully.

"I know Indian food pretty well"...
said Alex.

"But I've never heard o' this dish afore...

Lamb Tarka.

Surely ye mean lamb Tikka?".

The waiter shook his head and said...

"No sir...we mean Lamb Tarka.

It is very similar indeed to Lamb Tikka...
you are most correct...

But it's just a little 'Otter".


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 28 Dec 2009, 6:59 am

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman.

So..he visited the doctor to find out how to go
about it.

The doctor said...
"This is a very delicate and dangerous operation.

you see...in order to make you Irish..
I'll have to remove half your brain.

are you happy with that?".

"Yes.. that's okay...
said the Englishman.

I've always wanted to be Irish...
and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead...
but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror
on the doctors face.

"I'm so terribly sorry"...
said the doctor.

"Instead of removing half your brain...

I've taken the whole brain out".

The patient replied...

"Nae problem Jimmy...
sure..a'm no worried".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 28 Dec 2009, 1:53 pm

Enjoy!

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 29 Dec 2009, 1:16 pm

lol! ROFL

Good Song Lady.




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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 30 Dec 2009, 1:09 pm

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 30 Dec 2009, 1:23 pm

A wee Glasgow woman is driving along
The motorway...
when her husband phones.

He says...

"Be careful dear...
it says on the radio that some idiot is
driving along the Motorway the wrong
way”.

She says...

“It’s no just one....

There’s hundreds of them".

geek
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 30 Dec 2009, 5:25 pm

A large and very loud American goes into a pub in Glasgow.

"I hear tell all you Scottish people are real hard drinkers"....
he says in a big booming voice.

"Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is!.
Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky
one after the other and give you £100 pounds if you can do it".

No one takes up the challenge.

One wee scot even leaves!.

"Well... there ya go... sure proves my point!"...
the American says disgustedly.

A few minutes later the wee scot who left comes in and says...

"Hey Big Man... is that bet still oan?".

"Sure as hell is!"... and the American orders a line up of 20
glasses of whisky.

The wee man runs along the bar grabbing each glass and throwing
back the amber nectar... to huge cheers and the astonishment of
the American.

The American of course tries to do the same...
but can't pass the 17th glass....
so he gives the bloke the £100.

"Tell me"... slurs the Yank... "where did you go before you .hic!.
came back in again".

"Eh?.. och aye"... says the wee scot...
pocketing the cash...

"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 01 Jan 2010, 9:58 am

"See you an' me...Mary"...said big Tam.

"We've been married for seven years...
and never agreed on wan thing!".

"Aye...and yur wrang again"...said Mary.

"It's been six years".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 01 Jan 2010, 10:42 am

Shuggie leaned over and asked Mary....

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together
over fifty years ago?.
We went behind the village tavern and you leaned against
the back fence and I made love to you".

"Yes"... she said... "I remember it well".

"OK".. he said...

"How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?".

"Oh Shuggie.. you old devil.. that sounds like a crazy....
but good idea!”.

A policeman sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and... having a chuckle to himself...thought....
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he followed them.

The elderly couple hobbled along... leaning on each other
for support aided by walking sticks.

they got to the back of the tavern and made their way to the fence.

The old lady lifted her skirt and the old man dropped his trousers.

As she leaned against the fence..... the old man moved in.

Suddenly they erupted into the most furious sex that the policeman
had ever seen.

This went on for about ten minutes while both were making loud noises
and moaning and screaming.

Finally... they both collapsed... panting on the ground.

The policeman was amazed.

He thought he had learned something about life and old age.

lying on the ground recovering... the old couple struggled to their feet
and put their clothes back on.

The policeman was still watching and thought to himself...

"that was truly amazing... I've got to ask them what's their secret".

So... as the couple passed... he said to them...

"Excuse me... but that was something else.

You must have a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?".

Shaking... the old man was barely able to reply....

"See Fifty years ago..son.. that fence wasn't electrified!".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 01 Jan 2010, 11:15 am

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 02 Jan 2010, 7:40 am

A Glasgow businessman went to the far east
on important work related business..and three
months later after arriving home..he found that
he'd contracted a strange disease in the genital
region.

He goes to the doctor who...after a thorough
examination..informs him that he's got no choice
but to amputate.

"I refuse to believe that's the only option".....
says the Scot.

"I shall consult another physician".

So..the Scot sees numerous doctors all over Europe
and north America...but they all come to the same
conclusion.
His member has to be chopped off.

Just when he's about to accept the doctor's verdict
however...he has a brainwave.

If it's an Oriental...Far Eastern disease...he figures..
then why doesn't he consult an oriental doctor?.

An appointment is made with the finest doctor in
Glasgow's chinatown.

After a full examination the Oriental doctor says to
him....

"No I don't think amputation is necessary".

The Scot is over the moon.

"Brilliant!.

I saw dozens of doctors from Europe and America
and they all said amputation was the only way".

"Pah!..Western doctors!"...says the Chinese doctor
with disdain.

"What do they know?...any doctor worth his salt
could tell you...

That It'll drop off by Itself in four to six weeks!".




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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 02 Jan 2010, 8:08 am

Wee Sandy thinks he's old enough
to start swearing.

So..when he comes down for breakfast..
his mum wishes him a guid morning..
and asks him....

"whit he'd like fur his breakfast"...

Sandy replies....

"Ah'd like some Fu**ing cornflakes".

Obviously...his mum's outraged.

"Go ta yur room noo!"...she screams.

Once he's gone...she turns to Sandy's brother..

Andy..and asks him whit he'd like fur breakfast.

"Well.... says Andy.

"I'm definitely no huvin the fu**in cornflakes!".




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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 02 Jan 2010, 8:47 am

A man decided to take a day off work
and go drinking.

He stays until the pub closes.......
by which time he is well and truly drunk.

When he gets home...he doesn't want to
wake anybody up....
So...he takes off his shoes and starts tip
toeing up the stairs.

Half way up..though..he falls arm over apex
and lands flat on his backside.

to make matters worse..the two bottles of
wine he had in his back pockets smash...
carving up his rear end terribly.

Because he's so pissed..though...he doesn't
realise how badly he's hurt himself until he
gets to his room and starts undressing.

Realising that he's bleeding...he checks
himself out in the mirror and...
sure enough...his behind is cut up something
terrible.

Well...he repairs the damage as best he can
under the circumstances...and goes to bed.

The next morning..his head aching...and his
bum throbbing...he's lying there under the
covers...trying to think up a good story...

when his wife comes into the bedroom.

"Well...you really tied one on last night"...
she says.

"Where'd you go?".

"I was working late"..he replies...

"And I stopped off for a couple of pints".

"A couple of pints?...that's a laugh"...
she shouts.

"You got plastered last night".

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last
night?"...he shouts back.

"Well"..she replies....

"My first clue was when I got up this morning
and found a load of plasters stuck on the mirror!".



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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 03 Jan 2010, 1:01 am

As a Christmas present...

the laird gave Tam...the gamekeeper..
a deerstalker.

Tam was most appreciative...
and wore the hat every day.

When it was particularly cold and windy..
he pulled the flaps down to keep his ears warm.

Then one day the laird noticed he was not wearing
the hat.

"Where’s the hat?"...he asked.

"I’ve given up wearing it.. since the accident"...
said tam.

"Accident?...
I didn’t know you had had an accident".

"Och.. aye.

A man offered me a nip o' whisky..
and I had the earfiaps doon and
never heard him.


Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 03 Jan 2010, 1:15 am

At the Highland Games in Blair Atholl...Perthshire...
a strong looking but clearly elderly man put his
name down for the caber-tossing competition.

He gave his age as seventy.

"Don’t you think you’re a bit old?"...
said one of the stewards.

"Not a bit... not a bit.
My father was going to enter...
but he had to go and be best man at my grandfather’s
wedding".

"And how old is your grandfather?".

"Och.. he’s a hundred and seven".

"Fancy wanting to get married at that age"...
said the steward.

"Och.. he didn’t want to.. at all.

He had to"...said the man.


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 03 Jan 2010, 1:43 am

Edward Longshanks...

(Edward I of England)...

travels North to conquer the Scots... and he brings 4,000 men with him.

As he nears the battlefield... suddenly there appears a solitary figure on
the crest of the hill.

It is a short.. ginger haired man in a kilt.

"Hammer o' the Scots?"... He yells!.

"Come up here.. ya English fools... and I'll give ye a hammerin!"

"Edward turns to his commander...

"Send 20 men to deal with that upstart.. there's a good chap!"... he says.

The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the
Scotsman.

Ten minutes later... at the crest of the hill.. the little Scot appears again.

"Ya English Bampots!"... he yells.

"Come on the rest of you!.. Come on.. I'll have ye all".

Edward is now very annoyed.

He turns to his commander and says...

"Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!".

The commander sends a hundred men over the hill to do the job.

Ten minutes later..the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more...
his hair all sticking up..his shirt a wee bit torn.

"Ya English SCUM!"... he yells.

"I'm just warming up!.. Come and get me.. ya English gits!".

Edward losses patience.

"Commander... take 400 men and WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!"..he yells.

The commander gulps... but leads four hundred men on horseback over the
crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later.. the little Scotsman is back.

His clothing is all torn..his face is covered in blood.

"Is that the best ye can do?".. You're bloody Wimmen!.. Come on.....
Come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!".. he yells.

Edward turns to his second in command.

"Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him"....
he commands.

The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to
their fate.

Ten minutes later..one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill.

He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn.

"Your Majesty!".. he yells.

"It's a trap!...

There's TWO of them!"


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 03 Jan 2010, 2:06 am

A group of Americans were touring Scotland.

One of the women in the group was a real pain ...
constantly complaining.

"The bus seats are uncomfortable.
The food is terrible.
It's too hot.
It's too cold.
It's too rainy.
The hotel accommodations are awful".

The group arrived at Scone Palace...
the site of the famous Stone of Destiny.

"Good luck will be following you all your days if you
kiss the Stone"... the guide said.

"Unfortunately...it's being cleaned today.....
so no one will be able to kiss it.

Perhaps we can come back tomorrow".

"We can't be here tomorrow"....
the nasty woman shouted.

"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone".

"Well now"... the guide said...

"it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed
the stone.... you'll have the same good fortune".

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone"....
the woman scoffed.

"No... ma'am".... the frustrated guide said...

"but I've sat on it".
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 03 Jan 2010, 1:21 pm

A man named Maurice was appearing on
the television quiz show..."Who wants to
be a Millionaire?".

Against all the odds...he had reached the
$125.000 mark..but he had only one life
left..which was to phone a friend.

"You've done really well to get this far...
Maurice"...said the quizmaster.

"the next question is for $250.000 if you
decide to play.
Are you ready?".

"Yes"..nodded Maurice.

"On screen is a photograph of a famous
American sportsman as a baby.
For $250.000.. which sportsman is it?".

Maurice studied the picture on the screen.

"I'm pretty sure It's Jack Nicklaus".....
he said.
"Yes...It's Jack Nicklaus the golfer...I'm sure it is...

But I'd like to phone a friend to check".

"Ok"...said the quizmaster.
"Who are you going to phone?".

"My best pal Ed..who like me.. is a native
of St John's...Newfoundland".

The phone rang and Ed picked it up at the
other end.

The quizmaster explained the situation to Ed
and Maurice told him to look at the TV and
tell him which famous American sportsman
was being shown as a baby.

Without any hesitation..Ed replied..."that's
Arnold Palmer the worlds best golfer.

Definitely".

Maurice looked concerned.

"Are you sure..Ed..because I'm convinced It's
Jack Nicklaus?".

"No"....said Ed.

"That's Arnold Palmer..without a shadow of a doubt".

"Well"...the quizmaster said to Maurice.

"You've used your last lifeline....
so now I need your answer".

"ok"..said Maurice nervously.

"Despite what my pal Ed says...
I've got to go with my Instincts.

from the moment I saw the photo..I was certain it
was Jack Nicklaus...so I'm going with Jack Nicklaus".

"You know you don't have to play..and that if you
get it wrong...you lose $93.000?".

"Yes..I know"...said Maurice.

"But I'm going to play..
I'm sure It's Jack Nicklaus.. the golfer".

"Not Arnold Palmer?"...queried the quizmaster.

"No...Jack Nicklaus".

"Final answer?".

The quizmaster took a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry..Maurice..that is the wrong answer.
You've just lost $93.000".

Maurice held his head in his hands.

As the quizmaster handed him his cheque for $32.000
and the audience started to applaud sympathetically...

Maurice asked...

"So what was the correct answer?"....It's killing me!".

The quizmaster replied..."Mike Tyson".
geek
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 05 Jan 2010, 9:52 am

The BBC. Interviewer was doing a programme
on the derivations of place names.

She stopped a woman in George Street....
in Edinburgh.

Excuse me madam...but do you know why
Edinburgh is so called?".

The reply came....

"I'll have you know it is warmer than Glasgow!".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 05 Jan 2010, 10:10 am

The prosecuting lawyer was cross-examining the
murderess.

"And after you poisoned the porridge and your
husband sat at breakfast partaking of the fatal
cereal...did you not have any qualms?".

"Did you not feel the slightest pity for this man
who had been a good husband to you for thirty
years...who was about to die and was totally
unaware of it?".

"Well... I suppose there was one moment when
I felt a wee bit sorry for him".

"And just when was that?".

"When he asked for a second plateful".


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 05 Jan 2010, 11:07 am

A man with a winking problem applied for
a job with a large company.

The Interviewer told him....

"Your qualifications and experience are ideal.
however a sales rep must have good social
skills and your constant winking would
embarrass and scare off potential customers".

"Hold on"...said the applicant.

"If I just take two aspirin I stop winking".

"Really...can you demonstrate this?".

The applicant reached into his pockets.

In every one he pulled out packet after packet
of condoms.

Eventually he found his aspirin...and after taking
two stopped winking.

"Very Interesting"...said the interviewer.

"However this is a respectable company and we
do not employ womanisers".

"I'm not a womaniser.
I'm a happily married man".

"So explain the condoms ....please".

"Well...have you ever walked into a chemist
shop....winking...and asked for aspirins?".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 09 Jan 2010, 7:32 pm

The old Scottish soldier was celebrating
his 99th birthday.

He spoke to his toes...

"How are you toes?..you were soaked in
the trenches in 1916..but you are 99 years
old today".

He spoke to his knees....

"How are you knees?..you marched proudly
in the victory parade...but you are 99 years
old today".

He spoke to his crotch...."Hello Bobby.
If you were alive today...
you would have been 99 years old".


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 09 Jan 2010, 7:47 pm

The mother and father were sitting drinking
cheap wine...on the couch in their living
room while they watched their children playing.

"Who the hell taught oor children tae swear
like that?"..asked the father.

"Ah'm damned if ah know"..replied the mother.


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 11 Jan 2010, 12:38 pm

Wee Sandy is busy fixing his front door and
finds that he needs a new hinge.

So... he sends his wife Mary to the hardware
shop.

While in the shop..Mary spots a beautiful
teapot on the top shelf.

She asks the storeman...

"How much fur the teapot?".

"That's solid siver and it'll cost you £100
pounds"..he replied.

"My...That's a bit dear!...Ah canny afford that"...
she said.

She then proceeds to describe what type of hing
it is that her husband wants.

The storeman goes into the back of the shop to
find a suitable hinge...and from there he shouts..

"Mary....You wan'na screw for this hinge?".

"Naw"...she replies.

"But Ah will fur the teapot".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 11 Jan 2010, 1:43 pm

A professor at the University of Glasgow
is giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience...he asks..

"How many people here believe in ghosts?".

About ninety students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?".

About forty students raise their hands.

"That's really good.
I'm really glad your all taking this seriously.

has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?".

About fifteen students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?".

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic".

"Now let me ask you one question more.

have any of you ever made love to a ghost?".

Way in the back..Andy raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses...looks
at Andy... and says...

"Sir..in all the years I've been giving this
lecture...no one has ever claimed to have
made love to a ghost.
you've got to come up here and tell us about
your experience".

Andy nods and grins...and begins to make his way
up to the podium.

When he reaches the front of the room.....
the professor says...

"So..Andy...tell us all..what's it like to have sex
with a ghost?".

"AWWW....HELL!...from way back there.....

I THOUGHT YOU SAID... GOATS!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 13 Jan 2010, 10:48 am

An Auld Scotsman had died.

The funeral was in progress
and the minister was talking
at some length about the good
life of the dearly departed...

what an honest man he had
been...

what a loving husband
and kind father...

and how his poor family would
miss him.

Finally...

unable to cope any longer...

the widow whispered to her eldest
son...

"Jis' pop on up there for a
minute....

and hae a look in that coffin.....

will ye?.

I want to be sure it's yur
faither that's in there".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 13 Jan 2010, 10:58 am

Wee Sandy turned to his wife
and suggested....

"Let's go out and have some
fun tonight".

"OKAY"...replied his wife
enthusiastically...

"But if you get home before I
do....

leave the hallway light on".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 13 Jan 2010, 12:30 pm

Once upon a time a Scotsman..

an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the
Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America.

They have been tied up against their respective totem
poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the
Englishman...
pinched the skin of his upper arm and said..

"Hmmm.. heap good skin...nice and thick.
Will make heap good canoe.

You gotum last request?".

"That case of gin I had when your boys caught me.
I'd like that"..
says the Englishman.

He's provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee
for his final night.

The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin.

In the morning the Indians dispatch him...
skin him and make him into a canoe.

The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock.

Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman..
pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says...

"Hmmm.. heap.. heap good skin.. very.. very thick.
Will make heap... heap good canoe.

You gotum last request?".

"Oi'd like me guiness back"..
says the Irishman.

He's provided with his guiness and taken off to a teepee
for his final night.

The Irishman drinks eighteen bottles of guiness.

He's already dead when the Indians come to collect him
the next morning.

They skin him and make him into a canoe.

The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a branch.

Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman...
pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says..

"Hmmm.. heap.. heap.. heap.. heap good skin..
very.. very.. very... thick. Will make heap.. heap..
heap... good canoe.

You gotum last request?

"Ah' want a fork"...
says the Scotsman.

The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him a
fork.

The Scotman takes the fork..
stabs himself repeatedly shouting..

"Ye'll no be makin' a canoe oot o' me!".

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 14 Jan 2010, 2:06 pm

lady Farquarson is giving a party
for her daughters birthday...
and has gone to great expense.

She has in caterers...
A band...
and hired a clown.

Just before the party starts...
two tramps show up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the tramps...

the woman tells them that they can have a free
meal if they will chop some wood at the back of
the mansion.

Gratefully..
they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive..
and all is going well with the children having a
wonderful time.

But...
the clown has not shown up.

The clown calls to report that he is stuck in
traffic...
and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully
tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of
the tramps doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches...
does mid-air flips..
and leaps high in the air.

She calls over to the other tramp and says...

"What your friend is doing is absolutely wonderful.

I have never seen such a thing.

Do you think your friend would consider repeating this
performance for the children at the party?....

I would pay him £50 pounds!".

The tramp replies...

"Well...

I don't know....

Let me ask him.

HEY WILLIE!....

FOR £50 QUID....

WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?".


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