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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: scottish humour   Fri 25 Sep 2009, 8:57 pm

HAVE A GO FOLKS SOME OF
YOU MIGHT WORK THEM OUT?.

Jokes only understood
in Scotland ....
.......

A pregnant teenage girl phones
her dad at midnight and says...

"Can you come and get me?.
I think ma water has broken".

"Okay"...

says her dad.

'"Where are you ringing from?"

"From my knickers to ma feet".

...........

A Glasgow woman goes to the
dentist and settles down in the
chair.

"Comfy?"...

asks the dentist.

"Govan"... she replies.

.................
After announcing he's getting
married...

a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?'...

asks his mate.

"Oh...

she'll be wearing a white dress".

..................
Ten cows in a field.

Which one is closest to Iraq ?

Coo eight.
....................
Three wee jobbies sitting on the
pavement.

Which one's a Musketeer?

The dark tan yin.
.......................
A Scotsman in London is
having trouble phoning
his sister from a telephone

box.

So he calls the operator who
asks in a plummy voice:...

"Is there money in the box?

"Naw...

just me"...

..................

While getting ready to go out...

a wee wife says to her husband...

"I think I'm getting a wee bit
pigeon chested?".

And he says...

"Aye...

but that's why I love you
like a doo".
.................

"What's the difference between

The Rolling Stones

and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?.

The Rolling Stones say...

"Hey you...get off of my cloud".

And an Aberdeen sheep farmer
says...

"Hey McLeod...

get off of ma ewe".


While being interviewed for a
job as a bus driver...

a guy is asked...

"What would you do if you had
a rowdy passenger?".

"I'd put him off at
the next stop"..

he says.

"Good... And what would
you do if you couldn't
get the fare?".

"I'd take the first two
weeks in August". he replies.

...............

A Glasgow man ...

drunk and pennyless is walking
down Argyle Street when he spots
a guy tinkering with the engine
of his car!

"What's up pal?"...

he asks.

"Piston broke"...

the guy replies.

"aye...

same as maself.
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mraztec3{KAN}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 25 Sep 2009, 9:48 pm

Enjoyed the last one, Skin
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 25 Sep 2009, 10:06 pm

me to skin

last one best
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Tue 15 Dec 2009, 1:40 am

An American visitor to Lindores Abbey
was being shown round by the abbot
when a monk shouted out “64!”.

All the other monks roared with laughter.

Another then called out “15!”...
again much laughter.

“What’s going on?”...
asked the visitor.

“They know each other’s jokes inside
out” ....
said the abbot.

“So rather than tell them each time....
they’ve numbered them.

If one calls out a number....
they think of the joke and laugh.

Have a go”.

The visitor called out.. “45!”...
and there was a small ripple of polite
laughter.

“I’m afraid”...
said the abbot...

“that’s not very funny.
Try again”.

So...
the visitor called out... “56!”...
and there was uproar.

“Must have been a good joke”....
he said.

“Yes”...
said the abbot wiping his eyes.

“And we’ve never heard it before”.

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 16 Dec 2009, 1:40 am

A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day
he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants
him to do.

The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish
tank.

So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the
brightly coloured tropical fish darting about...
when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his
hand.

He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation
he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.

Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats
to the top.

"Sh*t!"....
thinks our man....
first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits....
what am I going to do?.

He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions
look like the best bet because they will eat anything.

Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions
enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the
fence where it is devoured by the lions.

He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants
him to do next.

The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage.

So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of
the monkey cage when .. splat! a lump of turd hits him on
the back of the head.

He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering
with delight at their new game.

Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries
to carry on cleaning the cage .. splat! goes another turd...
and splat!.. another makes a direct hit.

For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a
fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2
monkeys...
killing them stone dead.

"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man...
look what I've done now...
what am I going to do?.

So he thinks to himself... the lions worked last time maybe
I'll try it again.

they eat anything don't they?.

He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs
then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by
the lions.

Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks
what wants doing next.

Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian
killer bees.

He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive
when a bee stings him...
then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is
buzzing angrily around his head.

In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and
batters every last bee into a pulp.

"Sh*t, Not Again!!!"...

he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat
anything.

so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and
throws it in...
where they are devoured by the lions.

The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo.
He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the
lions.

"Hello".. he says.

"Alright".. say the other lions

"What's it like here then?"... asks the new lion

"Not bad"... say the other lions

"Food ok?"... enquires the new lion
"Yeah.. brilliant...

yesterday we had Fish.. Chimps.. and Mushy Bees!".

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 16 Dec 2009, 1:50 am

What a woman says.

This place is a mess!.

C'mon.. you and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear..
if we don't do laundry right now!.

What a man hears.

blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. C'MON
blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. YOU AND I
blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. ON THE FLOOR
blah.. blah..blah.. blah.. NO CLOTHES
blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. RIGHT NOW.


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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Thu 17 Dec 2009, 1:27 am

INCREASE the life of your carpets
by rolling them up and keeping them
in the garage.

Double glazing is doing great business in
Scotland in hope that the children cannot
hear the ice cream van when it comes round.

A farmer's wife...
who was rather stingy with her whisky...
was giving her shepherd a drink.

As she handed him his glass...
she said it was extra good whisky...
being fourteen years old.

"Weel, missus" ....
said the shepherd regarding his glass
sorrowfully.

"It's very small for its age".

A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi.

She was so beautiful he could hardly keep
his eye on the meter.

Scottish telephone directories make ideal
personal address books.

Simply cross out the names and address
of people you don't know.

HOUSEWIVES ...
I find the best way to get two bottles of
washing.up liquid for the price of one is by
putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 21 Dec 2009, 2:38 am

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage.

It's a warm day....
so he takes off his jacket and drapes it
over a handrail...
where it slips off into a vast tank of poo.

He's just about to dive in when his mate
shouts....

"It's nae guid tae do that...
the jacket's ruined".

"Aye... ah ken"...
he replies....

"But ma sandwiches are in the pocket".

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 21 Dec 2009, 2:55 am

Two auld men decide they are close to their
last days and decide to have a last night on
the Town.

After a few bevvies...

they end up at the local knocking shop.

The Madam takes one look at the two old

gezzers and whispers to her manager...

"Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an
inflatable doll in each bed.

These two are so auld and drunk....

I’m no wasting two of my girls on them.

They won’t ken the difference”.

The manager does as she is told and the

two old men go upstairs and take care of
their business.

As they were walking home the first gezzer

says...

"You ken what....

I think my girl was deid!".

"Deid?"...

replies his pal.

"Why do ye say that?".

"Well...

she never moved or made a sound
all the time I was with her".

His pal says....


"It could have been worse...
ah think mine was a witch".

"A witch....

why in heaven would ye say that?".

"Well....

ah was kissing her neck....
and then I gave her a wee nibble on the
neck....
she farted and flew oot the
window and took my teeth with her!".

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 23 Dec 2009, 10:54 am

Jock and an Englishman were flying from Edinburgh
when the stewardess approached.

"May I get you something?"...
she asked.

"Aye... a whisky"...
Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman
if he'd like one.

"Never!"... he said sternly.

"I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the
way to America than drink whisky!".

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back saying....

"Och....

Ah didna ken there wiz a choice!".


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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 23 Dec 2009, 10:59 am

Jock was travelling by train...
seated next to a stern-faced clergyman.

As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from
his pocket the clergyman glared and said
disprovingly...

"Look here...
I am sixty-five and I have never tasted
whisky in my life!".

"Dinna worry Minister"...
smiled Jock...
pouring himself a dram.

"There's no risk of you starting now!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 23 Dec 2009, 11:16 am

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting
on a low stone wall...
holding hands...
gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and
said...

"A penny for your thoughts Angus".

"Well..uh.. I was thinkin'...
perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss".

The girl blushed...
then leaned over and kissed him lightly on
the cheek.

Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over
the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts Angus".

"Well.. uh.. I was thinkin....
perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee
cuddle.

The girl blushed...
then leaned over and cuddled him for a few
seconds.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch.

After a while.. she again said..

"Another penny for your thoughts Angus".

"Well.. uh.. I was thinkin...
perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my
hand on your leg".

The girl blushed...
then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

The the two turned once again to gaze out
over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts Angus".

The young man glanced down with a furled
brow.

"Well,noo"...
he said.

"my thoughts are a wee bit more serious
this time".

"Really?"...
said the lass in a whisper.....
filled with anticipation.

"Aye"....
said the lad.. nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness....
began to blush...
and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
request.

Then he said.......

"Dae ye no think it's aboot time ye paid me
the three pennies?".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Wed 23 Dec 2009, 11:20 am

When Jock moved to London...

he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances
by boasting about how great Scotland was.

Finally.. in exasperation.. one said...

"Well..if Scotland's so marvellous...

how come you didn't stay there?".

"Well".....
explained Jock.

"they're all so clever up there I had to come down
here to have any chance of making it at all".


Laughing
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 25 Dec 2009, 6:34 am

A married couple from glasgow were trying
to live up to the somewhat upmarket
lifestyle of a party they were attending
in Edinburgh.

The conversation turned to Mozart.

"Absolutely brilliant..magnificent....
sheer genious"....
exclaimed one man.

The woman.....
wanting to join the conversation...
remarked casually...
"Ah Mozart.

You are so right.
I love that man.
In fact only yesterday I saw him in
Glasgow at Buchanan street bus
station getting on a number 42 bus".

There was a sudden hush...
and everyone looked at her.

Her husband was mortified.

He whispered to her....
"Right...
get your coat and let's get out of here".

As they drove home.. she
could see he was fuming.

Finally she turned to him and asked...
"Are you angry about something?".

"I've never been so embarrased in all
of my life.
Imagine you saying you saw Mozart at
Buchanan street bus station getting on
a number 42 bus.
you are an absolute idiot.

The number 42 bus doesnae leave frae
Buchanan street bus station!".


geek
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 25 Dec 2009, 6:56 am

Wee Tam came home one day and asked
his wife....

"If I was..let's say..severely disfigured...
would you still love me?".

"Darling..I'll always love you"....
she calmly remarked..as she filed her nails.

"How about if I lost all my limbs....
would you still love me.. then?"....
he asked nervously.

"Don't worry.. darling..I'll always love you"...
she told him as she painted her nails.

"Well..If I told you I had lost my eighty five
thousand pounds a year job....
would you still love me.... then?".

"The woman looked up at her husband's
worried face.. as she examined her finished
nails.

"Tam..I'll always love you..but most of all

I'll really miss you".


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Fri 25 Dec 2009, 7:11 am

A scot was trying to prove to his
wife that women talk more than
men.

He showed her the results of a
study by a scottish university
professor that indicated that men
use about twelve thousand words
each day....
whereas women use twenty four
thousand words.

His wife was not too sure about this
and thought about it for a while.

Then she said that if it was true...
it was only because men never
listened...
and women had to repeat everything
they said.

Her husband looked up from his
newspaper and said...

"WHAT?".


scratch
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sat 26 Dec 2009, 7:42 am

The scotsman of eighty five
married a young lass of
eighteen.

After a year of bliss...
his wife had a baby.

The husband went to visit his
wife and child at the local
maternity unit.

"My"...said the sister in charge..

"You really are a fit man for your
age".

"Aye..sister"..he replied...

"You've got to keep the engine
running".

A year on..another baby arrived..
and again the husband visited the
maternity unit.

"My"...said the same sister in charge.

"You really..really are a fit man for
your age".

"Aye..sister"...he replied...
"You've got to keep the engine
running".

A further year on...yet another
baby arrived.

Again the husband visited the
maternity unit.

"Nice to see you again"...
said the sister.

"Aye sister you've got to keep
the engine running".

"Well ye better change yer oil"...
she replied.

"This wan's black!".

pale
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 8:54 am

A man who's parents had died at an early age
went to see a specialist..to see if he could
improve his own longevity.

The specialist told him..that although the
formula for a long life was unusual.....
he should try it.

The secret was that he had to sprinkle
a little gunpowder on his porridge every
morning.

The man did this and lived to ninety eight.

When he died...

he left six children...

twenty four grandchildren......

Fifty six great grandchildren....

And a twenty foot hole in the wall
of the crematorium.




Last edited by skinman {kan} on Mon 28 Dec 2009, 5:02 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 9:15 am

Granny was complaining about the
cost of living.

"See when ah wis a wee girl.....

Ah could go out with threepence
and come back with two loaves...

a dozen eggs...

two pints of milk...

a pound of cheese...

and ten Woodbine cigarettes for
my faither".

"Aye"..said her grandson...

"That's Inflation for you".

"It's nothing to do with Inflation"...
said Granny.

"It's aw they security cameras
they have now!".


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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 10:14 am

Two men got to talking in a pub in Edinburgh.

"So..do you work near here?".....

asked one fellow.

"Yes... I work at the Scottish parliament".


"Are you a member of the scottish parliament?".

"No..No..I'm a logic analyst".

"And what in the world does a logic analyst do?".

"Oh..we work on the logic of proposed bills going
through the parliament.
logic can explain anything in this world...
you know".....

said the logic analyst.

"Let me explain in simple terms.
Do you have a goldfish at home?".


"As it happens I do".

"Well..It's logical to assume you keep it in a bowl
or a pond.
which is it?".


It's in a pond".

"Then It's logical to assume you have a large garden?".

"Yes I have a large garden".

"And if you have a large garden it is logical to assume
you have a large house".


"Yes..I've got a large five bedroomed house.
In fact I built it myself".


"Given that you've built a five bedroom house...
It is logical to assume that you haven't built it for
yourself...
and that you are quite probably married".


"Yes I'm married and have four children".

"Then it is logical that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis".


"At least four times a week".

"Then it is logical that you do not masturbate very
often".


"Me?...Never".

"There you are then.
from finding out if you have a goldfish....
I've told you about your sex life".


"Very Impressive.
Thanks for explaining logic to me".


The following day the man was talking to his pal
and telling him about meeting the logic analyst
from the scottish parliament.


"So how does it work?"...asked his pal.

"Well do you have a goldfish?".


"No"...said his pal.

"Then you're a wanker".

Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 2:58 pm

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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 5:27 pm

Wee Alex was in a curry hoose...
flicking through the menu and
idly munching on poppadoms.

After a few minutes he called the
waiter over.

"Waiter...
could ye possibly explain something
on the menu to me?".

"Oh...most certainly... sir"...
replied the waiter cheerfully.

"I know Indian food pretty well"...
said Alex.

"But I've never heard o' this dish afore...

Lamb Tarka.

Surely ye mean lamb Tikka?".

The waiter shook his head and said...

"No sir...we mean Lamb Tarka.

It is very similar indeed to Lamb Tikka...
you are most correct...

But it's just a little 'Otter".


Embarassed
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 28 Dec 2009, 6:59 am

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman.

So..he visited the doctor to find out how to go
about it.

The doctor said...
"This is a very delicate and dangerous operation.

you see...in order to make you Irish..
I'll have to remove half your brain.

are you happy with that?".

"Yes.. that's okay...
said the Englishman.

I've always wanted to be Irish...
and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead...
but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror
on the doctors face.

"I'm so terribly sorry"...
said the doctor.

"Instead of removing half your brain...

I've taken the whole brain out".

The patient replied...

"Nae problem Jimmy...
sure..a'm no worried".


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Lady of Winter {KAN}
Queen of the P90 - shooter of the AK47. Claymore expert
Queen of the P90 - shooter of the AK47. Claymore expert
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Age : 50
City/Country : Earth (is not a country it´s a planet)
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Fav MP game : Naked Volleyball and Twister.
Fav MP map : BOG!!!
I miss BOG!!

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Registration date : 2008-03-15

PostSubject: Re: scottish humour   Mon 28 Dec 2009, 1:53 pm

Enjoy!