THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people
when they tell lies.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son"...he asks.... "where were you today?" .

The son says... "at school dad".

The Robot slaps the son!.

"Ok... I watched a dvd at my friends house!".

"What dvd?".

"Toy story".

The Robot slaps the son again!.

"Ok....it was a porno".... cries the son.

"What! ....When I was your age I didn't know
what porn was".... says the dad.

The Robot slaps the dad!.

Mum laughs... "Ha Ha Ha!.... He's certainly
your son".

The Robot slaps mum.

geek

A man has been found dead inside a Domino Pizza house.

His head was covered in pineapple.. anchovies.. salami

tomato and cheese.

Police aren't looking for suspects....

they believe he may have topped himself.

geek

Three guys entered a disabled swimming contest.

The first had no arms....the second had no legs...

And the third had no body...just a head.

The guy with no legs took the lead...closely followed
by the guy with no arms...while the head sank straight
to the bottom of the pool.

Four lengths later...the guy with no legs came home
first and....because he could still see bubbles coming
from the bottom of the pool...he decided he ought to
dive down and rescue the head.

So he plunged down...collected the head and brought
it back up to the surface.

he then placed it by the side of the pool.

The head began coughing and spluttering violently..

"I've spent two years learning how to swim with my ears"..

shouted the head..."And then thirty seconds before
the start of the race....

some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!".

Embarassed

The oldest Inhabitant of Castlebar in
County Mayo was Interviewed some
years ago by a young reporter from
a local newspaper.

He was asked if he had his life to live
over again was there any major change
he'd make.

he thought hard about it for several
minutes.

"Indeed there is...Indeed there is"..he
whined.

"And what would that be?"...asked the
reporter.

"Sure.. I'd part me hair in the middle..
so I would!".

The teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids
what do they need at home.

The first kid says ....."A computer....miss".

The Teacher replies ....."That'd be very useful".

A second kid says.... "A new lawn mower....miss".

And she gets a similar response from teacher.

Little Johnny from the back of the class pops up his hand
and says ......“At my house we don't need nothin...miss".

The teacher asks him to have another wee think....
as everybody always needs something.

Little Johnny replies...

"No.... I'm sure....when my sister started going out with
a Muslim..... I remember my dad saying....

Well.... that's the last bloody thing we need".

On returning home from service in Iraq...

Three US soldiers were asked to report to their commander
who announced that because of their gallantry...

the army would be paying each of them $100 per inch on
their bodies from one point to another of their choice.

The commander asked the first soldier..a special forces
commando..how he could measure him up.

"I'll have from the top of my head to the tips of my toes...Sir!".

"Sure"..said the commander..measuring him.

"That's seventy inches...so here's $7.000".

Next he asked the second man..a marine..who answered..

"I'll have from the tips of both arms...outstretched... Sir!".

"OK"..said the commander...measuring the marine's outstretched
arms.

"That's seventy five inches..so here's $7.500".

Finally he asked the third soldier...an explosives expert..who said...

"I'll have from the tip of my dick to the end of my balls...Sir!".

The commander was slightly taken aback by the request but agreed
and began to measure the soldiers privates.

After a few seconds..he suddenly stood up and demanded...

"Where are your balls...soldier?".

The soldier replied...

"BAGHDAD...SIR!".

affraid

A Biker Dude pulled into an isolated gas
station somewhere in Mexico .

A Mexican was quietly sitting on a fruit crate
peeling an Apple..but showing no signs of moving.

Becoming impatient at the lack of service......the
Biker yelled....."Hey.....how about you pumping me
some Mothersuckin' gas?".

The Mexican said..."Senor...we don't like that word..
"Mothersucker" in this country.. he continued
to peel his Apple

The Biker reacted angrily....."Dude..I want some
Mothersuckin' gas!..do you hear me?".

The mexican repeated..."Senor...we really don't like the
word Mothersucker in this country"...and he carried
on peeling his apple.

The Biker was now seething with rage.

"You Gonna pump me some Mothersuckin' gas....or
do I have have to get it myself?".

The Mexican stood up and said calmly..."Senor...let me
show you something".

he tossed his Apple into the air and with his sharp
knife...cut it into sixteen slices in mid-air.

The Biker said..."You got another Mothersuckin' Apple?".

The Mexican tossed him another Apple...whereupon the
Biker pulled out his .45 and made Apple sauce out of it.

The Mexican thought for a moment then said....

"How many Mothersuckin' Gallons do you think she'll take....
Senor?".

nervus

Subject: Divorce letter Mon 26 Sep 2011, 5:14 pm

Divorce letter

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband.

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
__________________________________________________________

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

_________________

PETA members know it's safer to harass defenseless ladies wearing fur then to harass bikers wearing leather

Two pals were chatting in the pub one Saturday afternoon.

"My ex-wife"....said one...." Could manipulate the muscles in her
clout so it felt like you were getting a blow job....

which is ironic because when she manipulated her mouth
muscles she often sounded like a cnut.

Embarassed

Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili... or as he was better
known..."STALIN"...was giving a speech in a small
auditorium.

During a pause......someone in the audience sneezed.

Looking up from his notes...Stalin asked.."Who sneezed?".

No one answered.

Stalin ordered the guards to escort the first three rows
of people outside...where they were executed.

Stalin then asked..."Now!...Who sneezed?".

Again...no one answered.

Stalin then ordered the guards to escort the people in the
next three rows outside...minutes later shots were heard.

"Now...for the last time...Comrades"...demanded Stalin....

"Who sneezed?".

A small bespectacled man in the back row raised his hand and
said...."Um...I did...Comrade".

To which Stalin replied...."Bless You!".

Shocked

A man was in court charged with theft.

His lawyer told the crusty old judge....

"My Lord...my client has produced receipts
For...firstly...the high speed modem...."

"What is a high speed modem?"...asked the
judge...peering over his spectacles.

The lawyer answered..."My Lord...a high speed
modem allows computers to communicate over
vast distances at high speed...it allows e-mail
and something called Cybersex in internet chat
rooms".

"Cybersex?"...queried the judge.
"Sex through a computer?...what is the world
coming to?...the morals of modern society appal
me!...sex should be a wholesome..natural act".

"Secondly..my Lord"...continued the lawyer....
"My client can produce a receipt for the twelve
speed CD_ROM".

"Twelve speed CD_ROM?"..interjected the judge.

"Yes...my Lord...it enables millions of bits of
information to be read off a small disc".

"And I suppose most of this "Information" is
Cybersex related?"...said the judge.
"Frankly ..I'm disgusted at what technology is
doing to morality".

"Thirdly..my Lord"...continued the lawyer....
"My client can produce a receipt for the super
Delux inflatable milk maid......whatever that is".

The judge said..."That's the one with the silicone
breasts and real hair".

Laughing

I remember someone told me that the way to get a perfect cup of tea
is to agitate the bag a couple of times.

So.... I turned to the wife this morning and said....

"Hey...you lazy bitch...get off your fat ass and put the kettle on!".

Very Happy

A man was drinking alone at the bar.

"How come I never see you in here with Alfie
any more?"...the barman asks him.

"Well...would you drink with a bloke who's a
liar...borrows money he never pays back...
never offers to buy a round...is jealous of
everything you have and as soon as your
back is turned he tries to sleep with your
wife and daughter?".

"Bloody hell...no!"...says the barman.

"Well...neither would Alfie!".

Very Happy

Eddie... who had a way with people...Emigrated to California
and ended up at a big.. "Everything under one roof"...
department store as a salesman.

His first day on the job was a tough one...but he managed.

After the store closed his boss came over and enquired....
"How many sales did you make today?".

Eddie said... "Just the one".

"Just one!?"...shouted his boss..."Our sales staff average
twenty five to thirty sales a day..... How much was the sale
for?".

Eddie said... "$101,296.35".

His boss asked... "What the hell did you sell?".

"Well"...said Eddie... "the customer came in to buy a small fish
hook..
I also sold him a medium fish hook... Then a large fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.... Then I asked him where he
was going fishing and he said off the west coast.

So I told him he would need a boat.... we went down to the
boat department and I sold him our newest twin engine Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it... so I
took him down to the garage showroom and sold him the big
silver 4X4".

His boss said... "A man came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a boat and truck?".

Eddie replied... "No... he came in here to buy a box of tampons
for his wife and I said...

'Well.... your weekend's fecked.... you might as well go fishing'".

Very Happy

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THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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