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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 02 Feb 2011, 11:07 am

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties
in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on... together with a short skirt and
sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments... she uncrosses her legs
enough times...until her husband notices and says...

"Are you wearing crotch less panties?".

"Y-e-s".... she purrs.... with a seductive smile.


"Thank God for that"...he says.

"I thought you were sitting on the cat".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 05 Feb 2011, 9:30 pm

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Jim, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Jim is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'


'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

'More 'an likely gonna be some fighting, too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More 'an likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 06 Feb 2011, 2:32 pm


Susan... was standing in the kitchen....preparing Tom's usual

Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.... wearing only

The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As he walked in still half asleep... she turned to him and said

Softly....

“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!".

his eyes lit up and he thought....

"I am either still dreaming....

Or...boy...is this my lucky day!" .


Not wanting to lose the moment...

he embraced her and then...

gave it his all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said....

"Thanks" ....and returned to the stove...

Her T-shirt still around her neck.


Happy... but a little puzzled... he asked...

"What was that all about?".

She explained...

"The egg timer's broken".


Crying or Very sad
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PostSubject: FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE   Fri 11 Feb 2011, 6:04 am

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to
be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women to not know each
other

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 12 Feb 2011, 7:07 pm

Two men and a woman..
along with their dogs..are in a vet's
waiting room.

The first man's dog asks the second
man's dog what he's there for.


"They are putting me down".


"OH...NO!"...says the first dog..


"WHY?".

"Well...I've been chasing the postman
for years.

Yesterday...I finally caught him and bit
his ass.

So..I'm going to be put to sleep".


"Well"..said the first dog..

"My master just completely re-modelled
the inside of his house..I didn't like it
because my scent wasn't anywhere
any more..so..when he went to bed last
night I pissed on everything I could find.

This morning..he found out what I had done
so he is putting me to sleep also".


The third dog says...

"This is my master's new girlfriend.

She runs around the house all the time without
her clothes.

This makes me very horny..so..this morning...
after she got out of the shower and was bending
over to wipe up the water on the floor...I couldn't
stand it any more...so I jumped on her and gave
it to her good!".

"So..that's why they are putting you to sleep?"...
asks the first dog.

"NO...

she just brought me in to get my toenails clipped".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 16 Feb 2011, 11:17 am

A man is telling a story.

"I was playing golf..and even though I am
usually a pretty good player...I was playing
horribly that day.

As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole
I heard a voice say...

"Three Wood".

I looked around but no one was behind me
so I took my stance and was about to play
when once again I heard...

"Three Wood".

I looked down and there was a frog at the corner
of the tee box..and it was telling me to use my
three wood.

This seemed crazy...but I was playing so badly
that I figured nothing could hurt me so I took
out my three wood.

It was a long par four and I hit the ball straight
two hundred and fifty yards with that three wood!.

This frog seemed to be lucky..so I picked it up
and took it along with me.

At the next hole it told me to use my five iron.
It was a par three and I got my first hole in one
ever.

I made at least a birdie on all the rest of the holes
and all I had to do was listen to the frog.

That night I took the frog to the Casino at my hotel.
We played roulette.
I put my money where the frog told me to and I won
on every spin of the wheel.

What with all the excitement of the day... I was getting
a little tired so I decided to retire to my room.

I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser.
Suddenly the frog looked at me and said....

"KISS ME".

Now I'm not the type that goes around kissing frogs...
but I thought ..what the hell....so I kissed the frog and
it turned into the most beautiful fifteen year old girl
you have ever seen in your entire life.

And That...your honour....

Is how that under age girl ended up in my hotel room".



pale
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 19 Feb 2011, 2:38 pm

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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PostSubject: A few quick Ones..   Wed 23 Feb 2011, 5:04 pm


I got some new aftershave today that
smells like bread crumbs....

the birds love it!




David Cameron has announced that he
intends to make it more difficult to claim
benefits.

From next week all the forms will be
printed in English.




The Husband said to his wife ...

"My Olympic condoms have arrived ...
I think I'll wear gold tonight" .

She said...

"why don't you wear silver and come
second for a change".


I was driving home this morning when
I saw an AA. van parked in a lay-by.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably
and looked very miserable.

I thought.....
"that guy's heading for a breakdown".



An RAF fighter plane was flying over
Afghanistan when he noticed a flying
carpet on each side of his plane both
with a machine gunner on board.

Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at base he got a right bollocking

apparently they were Allied Carpets!.



On holiday last year in Spain.. I saw a sign
that said...

English speaking Doctor.

I thought what a good idea...
why don't we have them in our country.




The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin
was sexually abused from behind on stage
last night.

To be fair the audience did try to warn him.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 11 Mar 2011, 6:36 pm

Four Jamaicans were sitting around a camp fire on the beach.

They were all philosophizing on what was the fastest thing in
the world.

Seymour said...

" Me tink de fasses ting is a thought... cause before you can tink
it it already thought".

Winston said...

" Nah man... da fassess ting is a blink... cos before you tink to blink
you dun blink already" .

Delroy said...

" No man... da fassess ting is helectricity becas when you turn on de
light it travel fass and de lite come on".

Leroy say...

" Nah man... You is aaaaaaalll wrong... man!.

I knows dat for a Fact dat De fassess ting in de world most definite is
diarrhoea.

Cos las nite before me could tink.. blink.. or switch on de lite...

Me sh*t meself!.


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 12 Mar 2011, 9:13 am

A policeman spots a huge coloured man
dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?".

"A big fat Black bloke is dancing on a car roof".

"You can't say that over the radio"... replies the operator.

"You have to use the politically correct terminology".

"OK"... says The policeman ....

"Zulu...Tango....Sierra".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 12 Mar 2011, 9:44 am

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing
so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy... I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to
close me clinic.

I want you to take care of Da clinic and take care of all
me patients".

"Yes... sir!".... answered Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day
and asks....

"So... Murphy...how was your day?".

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so he did....
so I gave him Paracetamol".

"Bravo Murphy me lad... and Da second one?"..
asked the doctor.

"Da second one had indigestion so I gave him Gaviscon..
so I did sir"... says Murphy.

"Bravo... bravo!... You're good at this and what about Da
third one?".... asked the doctor.

"Well....Sor... I was sitting here and suddenly the door flied
open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does.

Like a bolt outta da blue... she tore off her clothes...
taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lay
down on da table... spreading her legs and shouts....

"HELP ME..... for the love of St Patrick!.
For five years I have not seen any man!'".


"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy... So....what did you do?"...
asked the doctor.


Murphy replied...

"Sure....I put drops in her eyes".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 14 Mar 2011, 4:34 pm

Inner Peace.

Some doctor on tv this morning said that the way to achieve
inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So.... before leaving the house this morning...

I finished off a bottle of Chardonnay...
a bodle of Baileys... a butle of wum... a pockage of Prunglies
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins...
the res of the Chesescake an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now!.






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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 15 Mar 2011, 3:29 pm

Life magazine sends one of its reporters to the
Appalachian Mountains to gather the life stories
of the locals.

On the first day..the reporter climbs up a mountain
and there he encounters an old man sitting in a
rocking chair on the front porch of his log cabin.

"GOOD MORNING..SIR.
I'm a reporter from Life magazine.
I'm here to gather life stories from the folk living
in this area...do you have any memorable stories
to tell?".

The old man thinks for a while and then says...

"Well..I remember the day when my neighbour's
goat got lost in yonder mountains..so me and the
boys went off looking for that darned goat and we
brought along some food and moonshine.
when we found the goat..we took turns humping it
under the lemon tree...we had a grand time eating..
drinking..and fornicating".

The reporter was dumbfounded by what he had just
heard.

"Um..that's an interesting story..sir..but I can't use that
in the magazine..do you have any other memorable
stories to tell?".

"Let's see..well..I remember the day when my neighbour's
daughter got lost in yonder mountains..so me and the boys
went off looking for that darned girl and we brought along
some food and moonshine.
when we found that girl...we took turns humping her under
the lemon tree..we had a great time eating..drinking and
fornicating".

"Listen..sir..My magazine certainly won't allow that story
to be printed..how about some sad stories?...do you have
any sad stories to tell?".

"WELL...

I remember the day when I got lost in yonder mountains".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 18 Mar 2011, 8:46 pm

A teenage boy was playing in his room on his computer
when his grandfather came in and sat on the bed.

"I know you love your computer"...said the grandfather..

"But you really should get out of the house more and
experience life..after all..your eighteen now.
When I was eighteen..I went to Paris..went to the Moulin
Rouge..drank all night..had my way with the dancers...
pissed on the barman and left without paying!...Now that
is how to have a good time!".

A week later...the Grandfather came to visit again.
he found the boy still in his room...but with a broken arm
in plaster..two black eyes and no front teeth.

"What happened to you?"...he asked.

the boy said..."I did what you did.
I went to Paris..went to the Moulin Rouge..drank all night
had my way with the dancers...pissed on the barman and
he beat the hell out of me!".

"Oh dear"..said the Grandfather..."Who did you go with?".

"Just my pal..why?...who did you go with?".


"The Third Panzer Division".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 28 Mar 2011, 7:18 pm


A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know....,

I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man

who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he

will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will

be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her

overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also

have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the

daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 29 Mar 2011, 11:59 am

Father shark teaches his son how to hunt surfers.
- Rule no 1. Swim around the surfer one full circle showing him your back fin.
- Rule no 2. Swim around the surfer second full circle showing him your back fin.
- Rule no 3. Swim straight to the surfer showing him your open mouth and dive under just inches from his face.
- Rule no 3. Swim straight again
- Rule no 3. Attack, kill and enjoy your meal son

Young shark has one doubt.
- Why should I waste so many time before attack ? I could easily kill him with very first turn!
- You are right my son, you can do it – father sharks said – but only if you like meat s**t stuffed

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 29 Mar 2011, 5:17 pm

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second black hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man could'nt stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this."
"Whose funeral is it?"
"My wifes."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 03 Apr 2011, 9:41 am

After six days of crawling through the jungle
in darkest Africa.

The starving man stumbled across a small chapel.
he went in..knelt at the alter and prayed.

"Please..lord..give me some food!".

As if by magic..a lump of meat dropped at his
feet.

The man gleefully devoured it and just as he
was finishing...another piece of meat fell at his
feet.

looking up towards the heavens in gratitude...

he noticed that a leper was painting the ceiling.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 Apr 2011, 11:01 am

Two pals were sitting outside a pub when a pretty girl walked past.

One pal says to the other ".... I'd give her one".

The girl overheard him and gave the bloke a right mouthful at full
volume.

"you'll be fukcing lucky mate... your nothing but a sexist pig...
and I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth".

However..his mate managed to save the day.

looking the girl straight in the eye he said...

"Don't flatter yerself love... we were giving you marks out of ten".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 Apr 2011, 2:16 pm

So, this pirate walks into a bar with a captain’s wheel crammed down the front of his pants and the bartender says, ‘why have you got a captain’s wheel crammed down the front of your pants?’ And the pirate says, ‘arrgh! It’s driving me nuts!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 15 Apr 2011, 7:53 am

A Russian man decided he wanted to buy a car.

So..he phoned the factory and asked....

"How long do I have to wait for a car if I place
my order immediately?".

The salesman said..."Your car will be delivered
in five years..let me see now..that will be Friday
the eighth of September 2016".

"Will that be morning or afternoon?"...asked the
customer.

The salesman was stunned.

"When you've waited five years...what does it
matter whether it is morning or afternoon?".

the customer said..."Because the plumber is
coming in the morning".





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PostSubject: Cowboy and Ol' Blue   Wed 20 Apr 2011, 9:48 am

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered


all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe


what modern education is developing!
They actually have a program here in Laramie


that will teach our dog,Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says.


"How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding!


How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.


At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year,


his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue?


I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.


Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,


Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.


Then he turned to me and asked,


"So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that rotten liar before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now


serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 11 May 2011, 9:08 am

A biker came home from the road, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little confused, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little pissed, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The biker sighed. "Oh $h!t, it's started.

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 12 May 2011, 10:33 am

A little boy at school overheard the older
kids talking about pussy and bitches.

that evening the boy asked his father...

"DAD...what's a pussy?".

His father was watching football on TV
and didn't want to be distracted...so he
quickly grabbed a copy of Penthouse...

turning to the centrefold...he drew a circle
around the woman's privates and said...

"SON..that's a pussy".

The boy took all this in and a few minutes
later asked....

"Then... Dad...what's a bitch?".

His father replied....

"That's everything outside the circle".




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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 13 May 2011, 10:24 pm

After being made redundant at a Belfast factory..
Pat and Mick signed on for unemployment benefit.

Pat told the clerk that he was a Panty Stitcher and
was awarded two hundred pounds a week in benefits.

Mick told the clerk he was a diesel fitter and was given
two hundred and fifty pounds a week in benefits.

When pat learned that Mick was receiving more money
he complained bitterly to the clerk.

"Why should a diesel fitter get more than a Panty Stitcher?".

The clerk explained..."The additional money is a new grant
given to skilled workers..Engineers such as diesel fitters are
eligible".

"Mick was never an Engineer"...stormed Pat..."He was in
quality control.

After I stitched a pair of Panties...I'd give them to him.

If he could pull them over his ahrse...he'd say....

"Yeah....diesel fitter!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 13 May 2011, 10:48 pm

Enzio ...

was a Sicilian deaf mute employed as a bookeeper by Don Corleone...
the Mafia godfather.

He was employed...because... being deaf he could not hear anything
said by Don Corleone and therefore... could not testify against him in
court.

One day... Don Corleone suspected that Enzio had cheated him out of
$10 million.

He gets his lawyer...who could converse in sign language... to confront
Enzio about the missing cash.

Don Corleone tells the lawyer....

"Ask him what he did with the $10 million he embezzled from me?".

The lawyer... using sign language... asks Enzo what he did with the money.

Enzio signs back......... "I don't know what you are talking about".

The lawyer says to Don Corleone....

"He doesn't know what you are talking about".

Don Corleone pulls out a gun... puts it to Enzio's temple and says...

"Ask him again".

The lawyer signs to Enzio......,"He'll kill you if you don't tell him".

Enzio signs back..."OK... I'll tell you.... The money is in a brown suitcase
buried behind my cousin Vinni's backyard".

Don Corleone shouts....."What the hell did he say?" .

The lawyer replied.....

" He says you haven't got the guts to pull that trigger".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 22 May 2011, 7:35 am


An Irishman is on holiday in the American
mid-west when he wanders into a local
bar and has a few beers.

After a while he notices there's one of
those mechanical bulls in the corner and
he asks the barman if he can have a go.

The barman says..."be my guest".

So the Irishman climbs on and the bull
starts moving.

"No one's ever made it past five minutes
on their first try...Paddy!"..the barman
warns him

To everyone's amazement..however...the
Irishman sails through the five minute mark.

He blasts past ten and fifteen...even after
twenty minutes...he's still holding on.

The locals are awestruck.....
he's fast approaching the world record.

The barman cranks up the bull to top speed
and it goes like crazy...but the plucky Irishman
hangs on ...unfazed.

Eventually...after forty five minutes...the bull
breaks down and comes to a halt.

The crowd are cheering and whooping as the
barman grabs the hand of the Irishman and
shoves a microphone in his face.

"Holy shit..boy!..you done broke the world record
by a clear fifteen minutes!..how you do that?".

"Easy"...replies Paddy.

"I'm married to an Epileptic.

If you can fcuk her for five minutes....

you can ride anything".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 24 May 2011, 7:28 pm

A farmhand is driving around the farm on his tractor
checking fences.

After a few minutes...he calls his boss on his mobile.

"Boss...I've got this here problem.

I must have hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the
front grill of the tractor..and he's still wriggling.....what
should I do?".

"In the back seat of the tractor there's a shotgun"...
his boss tells him.

"Shoot the pig in the head..and when it stops wriggling
you can pull it out and throw it in the back of the tractor.

"Okay"..says the farmhand.

About ten minutes later he calls back.

"Boss...I did what you said..I shot the pig and dragged
it out and threw it in the back of the tractor".

"So...what's the problem?"...his boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 25 May 2011, 11:57 am

It's a beautiful sunny day so Tom decides
to go fishing at his usual spot at a local
river.

When he gets there he is surprised to see
an unfamiliar face fishing on the opposite
side of the river.

When Tom leaves that evening...the stranger
is still sitting there.

Tom comes back early the following morning
and the stranger is there again... and is still
fishing when Tom leaves that evening.

This routine continues for a few days until
Tom can't contain his curiosity any more.

He approaches the stranger and says...
"Excuse me..I can't help noticing that every
morning when I arrive you are sitting there..
and you're still there when I leave every night.

Don't you have a home to go to?".

"I'm on my honeymoon"..replies the stranger.

"My wife is in that log cabin up there on the
hillside".

"Shouldn't you be up there with her then?"...
says Tom.

"I can't touch her...she's got Gonorrhoea"...
says the stranger.

"What about doing it in the tradesman's
entrance?"...jokes Tom.

"I can't...she suffers from chronic diarrhoea".

"Well...It's still your honeymoon...couldn't
you get her to give you a blowjob?".

"Nope...she's got pyorrhoea".

"That's terrible!"...says Tom.

"What on earth did you marry her for?".


The stranger replied....

"For the Maggots".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 27 May 2011, 2:43 am

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their otherwise idyllic marriage
arose from the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he awoke.

The noise would disturb his wife and the smell
would make her eyes water and make her gasp
for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop
farting because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it...after all..It was
perfectly natural.

She told him to go see a doctor..she was concerned
that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by...however...and he continued to
let rip.

One winters morning she had had enough.

As she was preparing a Turkey for Sunday dinner...
and her husband lay upstairs sound asleep....she
looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey
Innards and neck..gizzard..liver...and all the spare
parts...and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs to where her
husband lay sound asleep.

Gently pulling back the bed covers...she pulled back
the waistband of his Y-fronts and emptied the bowl
of turkey guts into his underpants.

A while later she heard her husband wake and let
rip the usual blast...followed by a blood- curdling
scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he
hurtled into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled
on the floor laughing...tears in her eyes!.

After years of torture she reckoned she had got her
revenge.

About half an hour later...her husband came downstairs
in his bloodstained underpants...with a look of horror on
his face.

She bit her lip and asked him what was the matter.

"You were right"...he said.."All these years you have
warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?"...asked the wife.

"Well...you always told me that one day I would end up
blowing my guts out and today it finally happened.

But...by the grace of god....some Vaseline...and these
two fingers...I think I got most of them back in!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 28 May 2011, 8:34 am

Larry La Prise...the man who wrote the
Hokey Cokey song...died peacefully on
11 April 1996...aged eighty three.

For his family... however...the funeral
was really traumatic.

It all began as they were putting him
into the coffin.

They put his left leg in......and things
just started to go downhill from there.



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 29 May 2011, 12:33 pm

A man goes into a bar and notices a beautiful
woman sitting at the other end.

He catches her eye and...much to his surprise
she winks back at him.

It doesn't take long before he is sitting on the
stool next to her.

They talk for about an hour over a couple of
drinks...when the woman says to him....

"Your pretty cute..I'll tell you what..I live just
around the corner...what do you think about
coming up to my place?".

"That sounds great!"...the man replies...barely
able to believe his luck.

"Before we go up there ...though"....she asks

"I have to ask you one question...Do you like doing
it Greek style?".

"Well... I'm not exactly sure what that is...but I'm
willing to learn...Let's go!".

So the two of them walk over to her apartment.

As soon as they get through the door...the woman
rips off all her clothes.

He can't believe his eyes...she has an amazing body.

"Your sure you want it Greek style?"..she asks.

"Let's do it... babe!"...the man replies.

"All right ...then"....says the woman.

"Take off all your clothes...and get up on the bed on
your hands and knees".

he rips off his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his
hands and knees.

The woman goes round and gets onto the bed right
in front of the man...she kneels down in front of his
head..and asks him again....

"Are you sure you want to do it Greek style?".

"YES!...YES!...pleads the man.

So she grabs him with her arms right under his armpits
getting him in a lock hold.

He can't move at all.....his face is pressing right into her
chest.

Again she says..."Are you sure?".

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between
her breasts.

"YES!"....he mumbles..."Greek style!".

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice...and she yells
out....

"ALEXANDROS!"....HE'S READY!".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 06 Jun 2011, 4:01 pm

Two Irish couples decided to spice up
their boring sex lives by swapping
partners.

Paddy said later....

"That was fouking great...I wonder how
da girls got on?".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 06 Jun 2011, 5:45 pm

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man,"picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest ....."


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 12 Jun 2011, 11:20 am

A new young Catholic priest had just started
working at the local church when the head priest...
Father Edward...told him he was going on a
seminary for a week.

Father Edward asked the new priest if he wouldn't
mind taking the confessions whilst he was away.

Concerned that he was inexperienced... The Father
gave him the latest handbook on what to do in the
confession box.

The new priest had been doing the job for only a
few minutes when a young woman entered the box
and said..."Forgive me.. father..for I have sinned.
I have had feelings of a carnal nature towards the
man who mows our lawn".

The priest looked to his handbook and found the
appropriate section on sexual desire and gardening.

"You must do five hail marys...and put something in
the collection box"...he told her.

Minutes later...a second woman confessed she had
kissed the man who came to fix her boiler.

He looked in the handbook...found the section on
sexual relations with members of the plumbing trade
and handed down a penance of ten hail marys and an
afternoon of polishing the church brass.

Minutes later...
yet another woman entered the confessional box and
admitted that she had given the local policeman a blow job.

However...the priest couldn't find any mention regarding
felatio and wondered what to do.

He stuck his head out of the box and said...

"I don't suppose anyone knows what father Edward's
going rate is for a blowjob?".

A passing choirboy replied...

"A Creme Egg and a Kit-Kat".

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PostSubject: Wimbledon.   Sat 25 Jun 2011, 1:13 pm


A leper wins a ticket to see the men's final at Wimbledon.

When he gets there...he has trouble finding a seat because
pieces of him are peeling and flaking off and he's deeply
embarrassed.

The leper wanders around centre court...looking for a seat
where his grotesque appearance wont disturb anyone else.

Finally he finds an end of aisle seat where he might be able
to watch the game.

He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay
to sit there.

The man answers..."No problem...mate...just sit down and
watch the game".

The Leper sits down and says..."As you may have noticed..
I have Leprosy...If it bothers you...I will move".

"It doesn't bother me...just shut up and watch the game".

A while later...during the fifth game...the man suddenly
throws up.

Undigested strawberries and cream are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this...the Leper gets up and says..."Thank you for letting
me sit next to you...but I can see that my appearance has caused
you to be ill...I will look for another place to sit".

The man finishes spewing up...wipes his mouth and says....

"Look mate...It's not you..I promise..just sit down..shut up..and watch
the game".

So the Leper sits back down.

But during the second set the man begins to projectile vomit.

A powerful blast of puke and bile emanates from his mouth and nose
until his stomach is completely emptied.

The Leper feels terrible at the sight of this man's obvious suffering and
once again...he offers to leave...but the man insists..."Really...it's not
you".

So..the Leper asks..."Well if it's not me that is making you so ill....
what is it?".

The man replies........"It's that bloke behind you...pal......

He keeps dipping his strawberries in the back of your head".


Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 07 Jul 2011, 6:03 pm

A guy met an older woman in a bar.

They drank and flirted..and he decided
she was pretty hot for a fifty five year
old.

As they exchanged a passionate kiss..
she whispered in his ear...

"Have you ever had a mother and daughter
together?".

"No"...he answered.
"But it's something I've always fantasized about".

"Well...tonight could just be your lucky night"...
she said....knocking back another double vodka.

Scarcely able to contain himself...he went back to
her place.

She turned the key in the door...put the hall light on
and shouted upstairs...

"HEY...MAW....ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 Jul 2011, 11:54 am

Patrick said to Murphy....

"I'm ready for a holiday... only ting.....

Dis year I'm going to do it a bit different.

Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Den... Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

Murphy asked ....

" So what are you going to do Dis year?".

Patrick replied....

" Oi'll take her with me!".

Murphy then said....

"By Da way...close yor curtains the next time you're having
sex with yor wife...

Da whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday".

Patrick said.....

"Well Da joke's on them cos I wasn't even at home yesterday".




Very Happy
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left4dead2.


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Registration date : 2008-05-04

PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 15 Jul 2011, 7:52 am

A man was found murdered in his home.

Detectives at the scene found the man
face down in the bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk....and
the deceased had a banana sticking out
his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.



Embarassed
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skinman {kan}
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Fav MP game : left 4 dead.
left4dead2.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 08 Aug 2011, 10:49 am

The Pope was finishing his sermon to the masses.

He ended with the Latin phrase....

"Tuti Homini" ..... Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the
next day.

They had noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind....

but not Womankind.

The next day.... after his sermon.... the Pope concluded
by saying.....

"Tuti Homini....et Tuti Femini" ... Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope.

They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind....

and asked if he could also bless gay people.

"Sure".....he said.

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with....

"Tuti Homini....et Tuti Femini..... et Tuti Fruiti!".


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skinman {kan}
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Male Number of posts : 3169
Age : 70
City/Country : over here
  : Clan Member

Fav MP game : left 4 dead.
left4dead2.


TeamSpeak : yes.
Registration date : 2008-05-04

PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 12 Aug 2011, 7:17 am

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people
when they tell lies.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son"...he asks.... "where were you today?" .

The son says... "at school dad".

The Robot slaps the son!.

"Ok... I watched a dvd at my friends house!".

"What dvd?".

"Toy story".

The Robot slaps the son again!.

"Ok....it was a porno".... cries the son.

"What! ....When I was your age I didn't know
what porn was".... says the dad.

The Robot slaps the dad!.

Mum laughs... "Ha Ha Ha!.... He's certainly
your son".

The Robot slaps mum.

geek

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