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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 22 Dec 2010, 5:44 pm

Two pals were out hiking one day....

When they came upon an old abandoned mine shaft.


Curious about It's depth...they threw in a pebble and
waited for the sound of it hitting the bottom....

But they heard nothing.

So...they got a big rock....

threw it in and waited....Still nothing.

They searched the area for something larger still and
came upon a large metal fence.

With great difficulty...the two men carried it to the
opening of the mine shaft and threw it down.

While waiting for the sound of it hitting the bottom...

A rather large goat suddenly darted between them and
leapt into the hole!.


The guys were still standing there with astonished looks
upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man
walked up to them.

He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area.


They told him that it couldn't have been more than five minutes
ago that one had just jumped into the mine shaft right in front
of them.


"Oh No'....replied the man.

"That couldn't be my goat....


Mine was tied to a fence".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 22 Dec 2010, 6:20 pm

Upon entering a fashionable restaurant....

A couple saw a sign proclaiming it to be....



"THE WORLD'S MOST SANITARY RESTAURANT".


The waiter came to their table and used a pair
of tongs to hand them the menus.

All of the silverwear and place settings were also
placed on their table using tongs.

When they questioned the waiter about this....

he indicated tongs were used to perform all
service functions and was the primary reason
the restaurant claimed to be so sanitary.


During the meal...they noticed the waiter had a
piece of string hanging out from his fly.

The husband called the waiter over and asked
about it.

The waiter explained the string was tied to his
Bobby so... when he had to urinate...he used it
to pull it out of his pants without having to touch
it which made things even more sanitary.

The couple were impressed with all these sanitary
procedures.

However...after a few minutes... the husband with a
puzzled look on his face..again called the waiter over
and asked.....

"I'm curious about something.

How do you manage to get your Bobby back in your
trousers ?".

The waiter replied....

"With the tongs ...sir".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 23 Dec 2010, 2:28 pm

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents .

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms . He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour . He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex .

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack .
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all .

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door .
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated .
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head . A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down .


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy .
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious . '


The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

_________________



"if its got tits or wheels it'l cost you money"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 26 Dec 2010, 10:05 am

This Tiger....

Woke up one bright and sunny morning
feeling great.

He felt so powerful that he went out...

cornered a small monkey and roared at him.

"Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?".

The poor quaking little monkey replied...

"You are...of course..no one is mightier than
you".

A little farther on the tiger confronted a deer
and bellowed out.

"Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle
animals?".

The deer was shaking so hard it could hardly
speak...but managed to stammer.

"OH great tiger...you are by far the mightiest
animal in the jungle".

The tiger... on a roll...then swaggered up to an
elephant that was quietly munching on some
weeds...and roared at the top of his voice.

"Who is the mightiest of all the animals in the
jungle?".

At this...the elephant grabbed the tiger with his
trunk...picked him up...slammed him down...
picked him up again...shook him until he was
just a blur of orange and black and finally
threw him violently against a nearby tree.

The tiger staggered to his feet...looked up at
the elephant and said....

"Hey!...big guy!....there's no need to get so
wound up just because you don't know
the answer".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 27 Dec 2010, 12:25 pm


A door to door salesman....

had suffered a really tough day and decided
to try just one more house before heading
home.

he knocked on the door...determined that
this time he was going to make a sale.....

He could almost taste it.

A wee boy opened the door and the salesman
started in with his sales pitch.

The boy just stood there speechless...staring
at him.

The salesman...seeing that he wasn't getting
anywhere...asked the boy where his mother
was.

The boy didn't say a word...he just pointed
upstairs.

The salesman went up the stairs...opened the
bedroom door...and found the boy's mother in
bed with a goat.

Completely flabbergasted.......the salesman
slammed the bedroom door shut and charged
back down the stairs.

He grabbed the little boy by the shoulders and
yelled....

"Don't you know what's in bed with your mother?

Don't you know what they're doing?.....doesn't
it bother you?".

The little boy looked at the salesman...shook his
head and answered......

"Na-a-a-a-a-a-a".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 27 Dec 2010, 1:41 pm

Some racehorses....

Were chatting together in a stable.

One of them starts to boast about his track record.


"Out of my last fifteen races...I've won eight!".....
he says proudly.


Another horse breaks in.....

"That's good.

In my last twenty seven races...I've won nineteen!".



"Not bad...but out of my last thirty six races.....

I've won twenty eight!"...

says a third horse..flicking his tail.


At this point...they notice a greyhound that has been
sitting there listening.


"I don't mean to butt in"...says the greyhound.....

but I've won eighty eight of my last ninety races".


The horses are clearly amazed.


"F*CK ME!"....................


says one...after a hushed silence.


"A TALKING DOG!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 27 Dec 2010, 1:52 pm

Two cockroaches....

Were munching on garbage in an alley.


"I was in that new restaurant across
the street"...said one.

"It's so clean!...the kitchen is spotless...

the floors are gleaming white.

It's so sanitary the whole place shines".

"PLEASE!"......

said the other cockroach...frowning...

"NOT WHILE I'M EATING!".


monochrome
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 28 Dec 2010, 2:47 pm

There was a terrible bus accident.

unfortunately...no one survived except a monkey
who was on board...and there were no witnesses.

The police tried to investigate further...but got no
results.

At last...desperate...they tried to interrogate the
monkey.

The monkey seemed to respond to their questions
and gestures.

Seeing that it was trying to communicate...they
started asking questions.

The police inspector asked......

"What were the people doing on the bus?".

The monkey shook his head in a condemning
manner and started dancing around...

he obviously meant that the people were dancing
and having fun.

The inspector asked....

"Hmmm....OK...but what else were they doing?".

The monkey moved his hand to his mouth as if
holding a bottle.

The chief says.....

"OH!...they were drinking...EH?".

The inspector continued...

"Were they doing anything else?".

The monkey nodded his head and moved his arms
back and forth...indicating that they were having sex.

"If they were having such a great time"....asked the
inspector...

"Who was driving the damn bus?".

The monkey cheerfully swung his arms by his sides....


As if grabbing a steering wheel....


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 29 Dec 2010, 7:40 pm

Two fat blokes in a pub.

One says to the other...

"Your round".

The other one says....

"SO ARE YOU!...YOU FAT BAS**RD!".


What do you get when you cross
an onion with a donkey?.

A piece of ass that'll bring tears to your eyes.


How do you spot a gay termite?.

He'll only eat woodpeckers.


What's the difference between a Scottish wedding
and a Scottish funeral?.

There's one less drunk at the funeral.


What's the difference between an Irish woman and an Irish goddess?.

About five pints.


What is the definition of a perfect woman?.

A gorgeous..deaf and dumb...blonde nymphomaniac....

whose father owns a pub.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 31 Dec 2010, 7:24 am

Wee Alex asks his father....

"Daddy....

is it alright for me to notice all the different kinds of boobs?".


Surprised.... his father answers....

"Well.... sure son.... we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.

There are all kinds of breasts depending on a woman's age.


In her twenties....a woman's breasts are like melons.....

round and firm.


In her thirties to forties..... they are like pears......

still nice but hanging a bit.


After fifty.....they are like onions".


"Onions.... Dad?".


"Yeah....son.....

you see them and they make you cry".


Not to be outdone... his sister asks her mother.


"Mammy.... how many kind of weenies are there?".


Her mother.... delighted to have equal time.... answers...


"Well... Pumpkin.... a man goes through three phases.


In his twenties...

a man's weenie is like an oak... mighty and hard.


In his thirties and forties... it is like a birch.....

flexible but reliable.


After his fifties...... it is like a Christmas tree".



"A Christmas tree?".


"Yes...pumpkin....


dried up and the balls are only there for decoration".


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 31 Dec 2010, 9:10 am

An extremely thin...

And emaciated young man was being
examined by a panel of army doctors
before being accepted into the service.


Shortly After the examination had been
completed....

All the doctors went into a huddle in the
corner of the room.


After a while...the young man went over
to find out what was going on.

"Well"....he said.

"Let's have it...how do I stand?".


One of the doctors turned round and said....


"That's what we're trying to figure out!".



Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 02 Jan 2011, 10:28 am

Shirley....

had always wanted to see Australia....

So she saved up all her money and went
off on a two week tour.

She'd only been there three days when she
fell head over heels in love with a Kangaroo.

So she blithely disregarded the advice of her
tour guide and companions....

had an Aboriginal priest perform a wedding
ceremony....

And brought her new husband back to her house
in London.

But she found that the course of new love was not
without its problems....

and in a few months she decided to consult a marriage
guidance councillor.


"Frankly...in your case...it's not hard to put my finger
on the heart of the problem".......

said the councillor immediately.

"Besides the obvious ethnic and cultural differences
between you and your husband....

It's clearly going to be impossible to establish genuine
lines of communication with a kangaroo".


"OH'....that's not it at all"....Shirley broke in.

"My husband and I communicate perfectly.....

Except in bed.


There it's nothing but hop on...hop off..hop on...hop off".....


bounce
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 02 Jan 2011, 10:34 am

A woman needs only four
animals in her life....

A Mink on her back...

A Jaguar in her garage....

A Tiger in her bed....

And a Jackass to pay for it!.


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 02 Jan 2011, 1:14 pm

lol!

That's pretty accurate lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 03 Jan 2011, 10:12 am

Finnigan....

A street peddler was arrested last summer
for selling woolen hats without a street
licence.

He appeared in court the same day as three
ladies...who had been arrested for soliciting.


"It's all a case of mistaken identity!"....

protested the first streetwalker.

"There I am minding my own business when
this car pulls up".....

"Drop it"....interrupts the magistrate.

"I've seen you in this courtroom at least a
dozen times before.

The fine is fifty pounds...and if I see you in
this court again I'll make it twice that......

NEXT".


The second prostitute argued.....


"I was just on my way to the shops...your honour...

I wanted flour to bake some nice".....


"Cut the crap"...the magistrate broke in.

"seventy pounds fine...or seven days in prison....

you choose......NEXT!".


The third woman came forward and declared.


"Your honour...I plead guilty..I'm a prostitute.

It's not the living I'd choose...but It's the only way
I can make enough to feed and clothe my family

So....It's what I do".


The magistrate smiled.


"Finally...someone who realizes the court is a place
to tell the truth.

To reward your honesty...young woman...I'm
dismissing your case.

In fact.....MR JOHNSTON".....he turned and summoned
the bailiff....

"Make sure this young lady gets seventy five pounds
from the Policeman's Benevolent Fund....NEXT!".

Up stepped Finnigan...who had been paying close
attention.

"Your honour"....he said frankly.

"I'm not going to lie to you either...I'm a prostitute".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 06 Jan 2011, 12:29 am

The mustard plaster....

is a remedy that has never been
very popular in Ireland.

The fact that it is considered to be
an old English treatment may have
something to do with it.

In any event...Mrs. Carey was once
recommended to try it by a returned
exile.

When they met again an enquiry was
inevitable.

"Well...Mrs. Carey.......

Did you try the mustard plaster on your
husband?".

"Indeed I did!....but he wouldn't have it.

even when i made it into sandwiches he
wouldn't eat it".

geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 06 Jan 2011, 12:42 am

The small...

Insignificant looking man watched nervously
as the big burly and muscular hotel guest
struggled into an overcoat.

"Excuse me"...he said.....

"Are you Aidan O'Gorman?".


"No"...said the big man.

"why did you ask?".


"Well...that's Aidan O'Gorman's overcoat you're
putting on".

"Who's Aidan O'Gorman?".

"ME!".




affraid


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 06 Jan 2011, 12:55 am

A driver....

whose breath would have burst a breathalyser
drove his car right into an old cottage on the
road to Invershoogle.

As he drew up neatly beside the fireplace he
leaned out of the drivers window and questioned
the old lady sitting in her armchair.

"Shay..ish this the road to Inver...hic...shoogle?".

Timidly she shook her head.

"NO...sir.......

you'll have to turn right over there by the piano

and keep straight on till you pass the scullery table".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 07 Jan 2011, 2:30 pm

A retired army officer...

placed an advertisement in THE TIMES
for a valet...and was surprised to receive
a letter from his former batman...also...
now retired.

He arranged an interview and when the
two had finished talking about old times...

the ex- officer said....

"Well... Jenkins....I don't think I need look
any further.....

the job's yours if you want it.

Your duties will be exactly the same as they
were when we were both serving overseas
together".


The ex-soldier accepted the job and arranged
to start work the following morning.

He went home for his things and got up early
next day to be round at his boss's house
before anyone was up.

he went straight to the kitchen and prepared
breakfast....

Then he tiptoed into the main bedroom....

placed the tray on the table next to the
sleeping colonel....

went round to the other side of the bed...

slapped the officer's wife on the bottom
and said.....


"Come on sweetheart....

time to get back to the village!".


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 07 Jan 2011, 2:37 pm

Did you hear about the
Hillbilly who passed away
and left his estate in trust
for his bereaved widow?.

She can't touch it till she's
fourteen.


Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 08 Jan 2011, 7:58 am

The Irish policeman....

was doing his best to stop a suicide from
jumping off a New York skyscraper.

"Think of your sweetheart"......
he shouted at the man.

"I haven't got one".....
came the reply.

"Think of your father and mother".....
pleaded the cop.

"I'm an orphan".....
wailed the suicide.

"Think of all the saints of Ireland".....
begged the law.

"Why should I?...I'm English".


"Jump...you Ba**ard .....jump".


........................................

"Don't you find the sound of the
cathedral bells inspiring?".

"Pardon?".


"I said...don't you find the sound
of the cathedral bells Inspiring?".


"Would you mind speaking up a bit?".


"THE BELLS!...DON'T YOU FIND THEM
INSPIRING!?".


"Sorry ....I can't hear a word your
saying for those damn bells".


........................................

Everyone in the school....

was very excited over the impending
visit of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

"The Archbishop is a man of God"....
said the teacher.

"And if he speaks to you....

you should address him as MY LORD".

The Archbishop arrived on schedule and
the children lined up to meet him.

Picking out one little boy...the Archbishop
bent down with a smile and asked....

"How old are you my son?".

Completely confused and overawed...

the little fellow gasped....

"My God.....I'm six".


..............................................


A Girlie show....

was touring army camps in Cyprus.

After giving several performances at a
remote army camp.....

arrangements were being made for the girls
to have a meal before leaving.


"Now then"...said the officer in charge.....

"Would you like to mess with the officers?".


"All right dear"...said the leading lady.


"But we must have something to eat first".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 09 Jan 2011, 11:27 am

A wife....

said to her husband.

"The trouble with men is that
they can't multi-task...

they can't do two things at the
same time".


"Actually I can".......
replied the husband.


"Well then"....said the wife.

"Give me an example".


"Well...when I was banging you
in bed last night.....

I was thinking about your sister".


Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 09 Jan 2011, 12:06 pm

For years.....

without fail.. John bought raffle
tickets..and lost.

Eventually he got so fed up with losing
that he told his pal Eddie he wasn't going
to bother any more.


"That's the wrong attitude"...said Eddie.

"You've got to have faith.

look around you...and see if the good lord
sends a message".


A few days later...

As he strolled down to the shops....

John felt increasingly despondent.


nothing had struck him.......no divine
inspiration...no sign from god.

Then...Just as he passed Mrs. Muffin's
pie shop.

He happened to glance in just as she
was bending down...he noticed that
she wasn't wearing any knickers.

Suddenly her bottom began to glow
brightly...a finger of flame descended
from the skies and etched an orange
number 7 on each cheek.

Thanking god..John rushed to the raffle
booth and bought the number 77 ticket.

an hour later...

the draw was held.

John lost again.

The winning number was 707.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 09 Jan 2011, 12:42 pm

In new York City...

An American and a Russian were
discussing how far they could make
a dime go.

they agreed to meet up again a few
days later to see who had got the most
out of the dime

The American revealed how he had bought
a cigar with his dime.

he had smoked one-third of the cigar the
first day and saved the ashes.

He smoked another third the second day
and saved the ashes.

on the third day...he smoked the final third
and again saved the ashes....

And on the fourth day he gave the ashes to
his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses.

He told the Russian proudly...

"How's that for stretching a dime!".


The Russian said...

"Very good...but I topped that.

I bought a Russian sausage for a dime...

the first day I ate half of it.

On the second day...I ate the other half.

the third day..I used the skin for a condom...

on the fourth day I took a dump in the skin
and sewed it back up.

The fifth day...I took it back to the butcher
and told him it smelled like sh*t.

he agreed with me and gave me my dime back".


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 10 Jan 2011, 2:00 pm

Murphy and O'Flaherty....

were standing at the urinals in a public
lavatory when Murphy glanced over and
noticed that O'Flaherty's pencil was twisted
like a corkscrew.

"JESUS!"...exclaimed Murphy....

"I've never seen one like that before".


"like what?"...said O'Flaherty.


"All twisted like a pig's tail".


"Well....what's yours like?".


"Straight and normal".


"Well...I thought mine was normal
till I saw yours".


Murphy finished what he was doing
and then shook himself before putting
it back in his pants.


"What did you do that for?".......
asked O'Flaherty.


"Shaking off the excess drops".....
replied Murphy...."like normal".


"DAMN!"...said O'Flaherty.


"And all these years I've been wringing!".


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 10 Jan 2011, 2:34 pm

Michael and Patrick...

made a promise to their old uncle Seamus that
when he died they would bury him at sea.

So when the old sea dog passed away....

Mick and Paddy wrapped uncle Seamus's body
in a burial bag and loaded him on to their rowing
boat.

After rowing for a while...Mick said to Paddy...

"Do you think this is far enough out yet?".


Paddy jumped over the side...but the water only
came up to his knees

"This will never do"...he said

"WE need to row further out to sea".


So they rowed some more...until Mick said...

"Do you think this will be deep enough?".


Paddy jumped over the side...but the water only
came up to his stomach.

"NO...Mick...we need deeper water than this".....
he said.

So..they started rowing again...and after a while
Mick asked....


"How about here?".


Paddy jumped over the side...but the water only
came up to his chest.


"NO..this isn't the right place"...he said.

"Let's row some more".


So on and on they rowed until Mick asked wearily...

"Do you reckon this will be deep enough?".


Paddy jumped over the side and immediately
disappeared from view.


Mick was becoming really worried when finally...

After about ten minutes underwater....Paddy
broke the surface...gasping for breath.


"Well...Is it deep enough Paddy?"...asked Mick.


"To be sure it is"...replied Paddy.

"Will you hand me the shovel".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 11 Jan 2011, 10:01 am

A man ....

Is walking through SOHO...LONDON

when it suddenly starts raining.

So... he takes shelter in a clip joint...

paying 50 pounds to get in.

once inside he finds himself confronted by
three doors.

They read..BLONDE...BRUNETTE...BLACK.

He chooses Blonde...only to be confronted
by three more doors...this time reading...

SMALL ...MEDIUM ...OR LARGE BREASTS.

This time he chooses LARGE....only to be
confronted yet again by three more doors
reading....

LARGE...TIGHT....WET.

Somewhat excited now...he chooses WET ....

pushes his way through the door....

and finds himself back outside in the rain.


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 11 Jan 2011, 10:16 am

A builder...

Goes to the doctor and says...

"DOCTOR...can you help me?....

I'm constipated".


The doctor examines him for a minute
and then says...

"Lean over the table".

The construction worker leans over the
table and the doctor whacks him over
the bottom with a cricket bat......

then sends him to the bathroom.

The builder comes out a few minutes later
and says.....

"Doc..I feel great...what should I do now?".

The doctor replied.....

"Stop wiping your bottom with cement bags".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 11 Jan 2011, 10:33 am

A little boy....

Is walking down the street after school
when a car slows down and pulls up
alongside him.

The driver's window goes down and
the man from inside says....

"HEY.......

do you want to get in the car with me?".

The little boy looks at him...then quickens
his step.

A couple of minutes later..further down
the road...the car pulls up again.

The window goes down.

"I'll give you a bag of sweets if you get
in the car with me".

The little boy ignores him again and hurries
on.

A couple of hundred yards down the road...

The car pulls up and the driver's window goes
down again.

The man says....

"I'll give you ten pounds and two bags of sweets
if you get in the car with me".

The little boy stops.

He looks at the man and says....



"DAD!....you bought the rover...live with it!".


Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 12 Jan 2011, 3:47 pm

Fearing that he would be late for an
important business meeting in London

A motorist was beginning to panic
because he couldn't find a parking
space.

Street after street was full......and
growing ever more desperate....
he decided to seek help from the
almighty.

looking up to the heaven...he said..

"LORD...please help me out here.

If you find me a parking space....

I'll give up drink and women and
go to mass every Sunday".

Then as he turned the corner...

miraculously a parking space
appeared.

He looked skyward again and said

"Never mind....I've found one!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 14 Jan 2011, 2:31 pm

What's the difference....

between a fish and a mountain goat?.

One mucks about in fountains.....



.......................................................

After being granted a divorce....

on the grounds of her husband's infidelity...

A woman was forced to move out of the house she
had lovingly looked after for twenty two years.

She spent two whole days packing her belongings
into boxes..crates and suitcases...and then on the
third day the removal men came to collect her things.

That evening...she sat alone in the house for the last
time...preparing herself a final farewell meal of prawns
and caviar...which she ate by candlelight at their beautiful
dining room table.

She was sad but bitter...too...and at the end of her meal
she went into every room and placed a few half-eaten
prawn shells dipped in caviar into the hollows of the curtain
rods.

She then tidied up the kitchen and left.

When the husband moved back in with his new girlfriend...

All was bliss for the first few days.

then slowly the house began to acquire a strange smell.

They tried everything to get rid of it...cleaning...mopping
and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam
cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Pest exterminators were called in to set off gas cannisters...

which made such a mess the couple had to move out for a
few days...and replace all their expensive wool carpets.

But still the smell persisted...nothing worked.

After a while...friends stopped coming to visit...repairmen
refused to work in the house...and the maid quit....fearing
for her health.

Eventually they could bear the stench no longer and decided
to put the house up for sale.

But prospective buyers were immediately put off by the smell
and...despite the price being greatly reduced...several months
later they had still not managed to sell it.

Things were so bad that they had to borrow a vast sum of money
from the bank in order to purchase a new home.

Word of their misfortune reached the ears of his ex-wife who called
to ask him how he was doing.

When he relayed the saga of the rotting house....

she listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly.

she suggested that she would even be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting her beloved house back.

The husband almost bit her hand off and the paperwork for the
transaction went through quickly.

He and his girlfriend congratulated themselves on finally finding a
mug happy to take the horrible...stinking house off their hands and
they smiled smugly as they watched the removal company pack up
everything to take to their new home.

And just to spite his ex-wife.....

They even took the curtain rods!.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 16 Jan 2011, 12:42 pm

"DOCTOR!...DOCTOR!.....

You've got to help me.

Some mornings I wake up and I
think I'm DONALD DUCK.

Other times I think I'm MICKEY
MOUSE".


"Hmmm.

How long have you been having these

Disney spells?".


Embarassed

........................................


"What's wrong with me.... Doc?"...asked the worried
patient.

"My balls have turned blue!".


The doctor examined him and told him that unless he
had his testicles removed he would die.


"You can't do that to me!"...cried the patient.

"My life won't be worth living!".


"If you don't have your testicles removed within the
next forty- eight hours"...replied the doctor.

"You won't have a life anyway.

Do you want to die?".


Left with no choice...the man glumly agreed to have
them removed.


Some weeks later...the patient returned and announced...

"Doc...now my bobby has turned blue!".


The doctor examined him and came to the conclusion that
unless his bobby was removed within the next forty-eight
hours...the man would die



"But Doc"... protested the man tearfully.

"How will I Pee?".


"Simple"...said the Doctor.

"We'll install a plastic pipe and that will do the job".


"Oh...I don't know"....said the man.

"Losing my bobby is a terrible prospect".


"Do you want to die?"...demanded the doctor brusquely.


Reluctantly...the man consented to the procedure for
having it removed.


Several weeks later he returned yet again.


"Doc....the pipe has turned blue!...what the hell is happening
to me?".


The doctor scratched his head in bewilderment.


"I'm not really sure"...he said.


"WAIT!......DO YOU WEAR JEANS?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 16 Jan 2011, 12:50 pm

That was scary cold nervus Pffff

_________________



"if its got tits or wheels it'l cost you money"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 17 Jan 2011, 4:25 am

A man went to the doctor and said....

"Doc...I keep calling out the names of
characters from LORD OF THE RINGS
and THE HOBBIT in the middle of the
night.

What's the matter with me?".

The doctor said....

"It sounds to me as if you've been

TOLKIEN in your sleep".


.....................................

Another man went to the doctor and said...

"Doctor...I bought some steroids....

and they've had some nasty side effects.

I've grown an extra Penis".



"ANABOLIC?".


"NO....JUST A PENIS!".


..............................................

A man went to the doctors and said....

"Doctor...I keep having visions of the future".


"When did these start?".


"NEXT THURSDAY".


..................................................

After examining a male patient....

the doctor took the man's wife to one side.


"I must be honest with you"...said the Doctor
in an ominous tone.

"I don't like the look of your husband".


"ME NEITHER"...said the wife.

"But he brings home a good wage....

and he's great with the kids".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 18 Jan 2011, 8:07 pm

Not many people know it.....

But the Devil actually wears a wig.

it has been a closely guarded secret for years
and even some of those closest to him had no
idea because it is a remarkably good fit.

But down in the world of fire and brimstone
one guy did find out...and he decided to play
a practical joke on Satan.

So one night he sneaked past the guardian
demons...crept into Satan's bed chamber...

stole the hairpiece and made good his escape.

When the Devil discovered that his wig had
vanished...he was furious.

he immediately summoned his Demons and
demanded to know which of them had allowed
an outsider to break into the Satanic sleeping
quarters.

Nobody owned up.......

which merely made him madder still.

So he called a general meeting of the entire
underworld...ordering everyone to attend.

The meeting took place in a giant cavern...

and as Satan stepped up to speak...there were
stifled giggles from the audience as people saw
for the first time that their leader was follically
challenged.

As the giggling turned to peels of laughter....

Satan roared impatiently....

"BE QUIET!".

A deathly silence descended.

"Whoever stole it"...bellowed Satan...jabbing his
finger angrily....

"Had better return it at once!".


And here he paused for effect......

"Or else there'll be hell Toupee!".


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 18 Jan 2011, 11:25 pm

A bloke went to a private urologist and said....

"DOCTOR....I have a problem.

My private is garishly red".


The doctor replied....


"Well...okay...let's have a look at the old fellow then.

Hmm...yes...no problem.

We'll have you sorted out in no time".


He told the bloke to lie down...then he fiddled about a bit
with it.......did one or two things and said...."Right ......

all done.....that'll be fifty pounds".


Sure enough...the bloke's bobby was back to normal.

Impressed ...he paid up.


A couple of weeks later...he was chatting to a friend of
his who looked a bit shifty... his friend said....


"You know....I've got the same problem...but it's greenish...
not red.

That specialist sounds cheap..I'll go and try him out".


So the next day the friend went to the same doctor.

he showed the urologist his privates.

The doctor said....


"Hmmm well...we can sort you out...but it's going to
cost you four thousand pounds..I'm afraid...and we'll
have to operate immediately".


The bloke looked at the doctor in horror.

"Four thousand pounds for an operation?...you sorted
my mate out for fifty quid!".


"That's very true"...nodded the doctor....


"But he had lipstick smudges on his.


you've got gangrene!".


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 20 Jan 2011, 7:18 am

A very fat parson.....

was giving a thunderous sermon on the second
coming.

Towards the end of his discourse......

he said in a booming voice.

"I shall come down and dwell amongst you".

At the same time striking the pulpit rail with his
fists to emphisize his point.

Unfortunately....the pulpit gave way under the
strain and the whole thing came crashing down
on the front row of pews...parson and all.

Picking himself out of the wreckage.....

one old parishioner remarked.....

"WELL..YOU CAN'T SAY HE DIDN'T WARN US".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 20 Jan 2011, 7:46 am

Private Potter....

had only been in the army a few weeks
when he began to act very strangely.

Every time he saw a sheet of paper...

he would study it closely and then toss
it aside saying....

THAT'S NOT IT! .....THAT'S NOT IT!".

This happened not only in the company
office where he worked....but whenever
he passed a notice board or a dustbin
which contained pieces of paper....

even if he saw a sheet of paper blowing
across the parade ground he would chase
after it...look at it carefully...then throw it
aside saying....

"THAT'S NOT IT!...THAT'S NOT IT!".

His obsession eventually grew to the extent
that he was unable to perform his duties
satisfactorily....

So his company commander had him remanded
for psychiatric examination.

on entering the psychiatrist's office....

he immediately started grabbing the papers on
that officer's desk...and tossing them aside....

muttering.....

"THAT'S NOT IT!....THAT'S NOT IT!".

It was obvious that he was not in full possession of
his faculties and...within a week...his discharge came
through.

On the morning his discharge certificate was handed
to him....he took one look at it and went bounding out
of the army camp gates shouting....

"THIS IS IT!....THIS IS IT!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 20 Jan 2011, 7:58 am

The bride....

lay in bed on the first night of their
honeymoon...

while her husband stood at the bedroom
window...gazing up at the stars.


"COME TO BED..... DARLING!...

she whispered after about half an hour
had passed.

"NOT LIKELY"...replied the husband.

"My mother told me that this would be
the best night of my life....

and I'm not going to miss a minute of it!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 23 Jan 2011, 1:04 pm

A couple out on their first date
are just about to get down to
business...

when she says to him.

"I think you should know....

I used to be a hooker!".


He says.....

" That's all right baby.....

I actually find that quite a turn on.

tell me more".


"Well......

my name was Ian and I played for Cardiff!".


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 24 Jan 2011, 12:59 pm

A bus transporting a load of loonies
approached the scene of a road accident.


"Oh my god"....
gasped the driver....pulling over
for a closer look at the wreckage.


"That looks like Sammy's car".


So everyone piled out and went closer
for a better look


"Look"...said the first loon....

"That's Sammy's arm...I'd know that
watch anywhere".

"I'm sure that's Sammy's leg"...said
the second loon...pointing to where it lay
at the curb.

"And look...that's definitely Sammy's
head"....shouted the third....
running after an object slowly rolling
down the street.


"SAMMY!....SAMMY!....are you all right?".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 24 Jan 2011, 1:28 pm

Three pals.....

die in a car crash.

Upon their arrival at the gates of heaven...
they are each asked..

"When you are lying in your casket and family and
friends are mourning you what would you like to hear
them say about you?".

The first bloke says...

"I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest plumber
of my time... and a great family guy".


The second bloke says....


"I would like to hear people say that I was a wonderful school
teacher who made a huge difference to the children".


The third bloke said...


"I would love to hear them say....

'LOOK!.... HE'S MOVING!'".


Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 25 Jan 2011, 6:52 am

Feeling stressed out....

A man decides to take a long hot bath.

No sooner had he made himself comfortable
when the doorbell rang.

he climbed out of the bath...wrapped a large
towel around his waist...wrapped his head in
a smaller towel......put on his slippers......and
went to the door.

It was a salesman trying to sell him brushes.

Slamming the door in the salesman's face...
he returned to his hot bath.

Just as he climbed back into the tub there
was another ring at the doorbell.

Cursing under his breath..he climbed back out...
wrapped the large towel round his waist...wrapped
his head in the smaller towel..put on his slippers
and trudged downstairs to answer the door.

It was a man from an energy company trying to
persuade him to change his power supply.

Almost taking the door off its hinges he slammed
the door shut in the callers face...then...returned
to his not so hot bath.

Five minutes later...the doorbell rang again.

On went the slippers and towels as before....
and ....as our hero tottered towards the bathroom
door...he slipped on a wet patch... hurting his back
falling hard against the porcelain tub.

Cursing all sorts of profanities...he struggled into his
clothes and.......with every movement causing him
excruciating pain...he drove to the doctor's surgery.

After examining him the doctor said...

"You know you were really lucky.

there are no bones broken.

But what you have to do now is relax.


why don't you go home and take a nice long hot bath!".



Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 25 Jan 2011, 5:19 pm

Having gone to the hospital for a
routine check-up...Sammy was
devastated to learn that he had
the rare deadly disease B.55.

The doctor told him he had just
one week to live.

determined to make the most
of his last week......

rather than mope around feeling
sorry for himself...

he decided to take his wife out to
Bingo.

He even entered the prize draw game.

First...he got one line up and won ten
thousand pounds...then he got two
lines up and won a car.

finally he got a full house and won a
holiday for two in the Seychelles.

At the end of the round...the bingo
caller went over to him and said....

"You must be the luckiest man in the
world! you have just won ten thousand
pounds...a car...and a luxury holiday
in just one game!".

"I'm not that lucky"...replied Sammy.

"I've got B.55".

The bingo caller's face turned to shock
and he said...

"You lucky sod!......

you've won the raffle as well!".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 27 Jan 2011, 8:16 pm

Today's word is................. Fluctuations...

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

_________________



"if its got tits or wheels it'l cost you money"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 29 Jan 2011, 1:37 am

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 29 Jan 2011, 11:03 am

lol! cheers ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 29 Jan 2011, 11:31 am

Two beggars....

Were sitting side by side in a street
in Rome.

One had the Star of David in front
of him...the other had a cross.

A number of people passed by and
looked at both beggars....

but only put money in the hat of the
one sitting behind the cross.

Among the crowds was a priest who
paused and watched dozens of people
giving to the beggar behind the cross
while completely ignoring the one behind
the Star of David.

Eventually he felt so sorry for the beggar
behind the Star of David that he went over
to offer him a little advice.

"My dear fellow"....said the priest.....

"Don't you understand?......

this is a Catholic country.....

This city is the home of Catholicism.

people aren't going to give money if you
sit there with a Star of David in front of you...

especially when you're sitting beside a beggar
who has a cross.

In fact..people who might not ordinarily give to
beggars are probably giving him money purely
to spite you".

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to
the priest.....

then turned to the beggar behind the cross and
said....

"JOSHUA...look who's trying to teach the Rosenberg
brothers about marketing!".


silent
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 31 Jan 2011, 2:23 pm

After hearing a couple's complaints
that their intimate life wasn't what
it used to be...

the sex councillor suggests they
vary their positions.

"For example".... he says.

"You might try the wheelbarrow.

Just lift her legs from behind and off
you go".


The eager husband is all for trying this
new trick as soon as they get home.

the husband excitedly says to his wife

"Are you ready?".


"Well okay".... the hesitant wife agrees.

"but on two conditions.

first.....

If it hurts you have to stop right away.

And second....she continues.

You have to promise me we won't
go past my parent's house".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 31 Jan 2011, 2:50 pm

A wealthy couple are preparing
to go out for the evening.

The woman of the house gives
the butler James the night off.

Telling him that they intend
to return home very late and
she hopes he'll have a pleasant
evening.

later...At a party.... the wife
isn't having a good time so she
decides to leave early.

Her husband stays on.....
socializing with important clients

As the woman walks into her house
she finds James by himself in the
dining room.

She calls on him to follow her into the
master bedroom.

In a voice she knows he must obey
she says

"James.....

I want you to take off my dress".

This he does... hanging it carefully
over a chair.

"James"... she continues....

"Take off my stockings".

Again.... James silently obeys.

"Now... James.... I want you to
remove my bra and panties".

Eyes downcast.... James obeys.

By this point both are breathing
heavily.... the tension mounting
between them.

She looks at him with eyes pleading
and says.....

"James.....

If I ever catch you wearing my stuff
again...... You're fired!".


Laughing
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