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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 27 Oct 2010, 5:13 am

The world expert....

on wasps...and the sounds they make
was strolling through a wee town not
too far from where you live.

He stumbled upon an old record shop
that sold vinyl classics.

Flicking through the racks of LPs....

his attention was caught by an album
entitled......

"WASPS OF THE WORLD....AND THE
SOUNDS THEY MAKE".


Intrigued...he asked the young sales
assistant if he might listen to the album.


"Certainly...sir"...said the assistant.

"Step into the booth..........put on the
headphones......and I'll put the LP on
for you".


So...the world expert on wasps....
and the sounds that they make stepped
into the booth...put on the earphones
and listened to the LP.

Five minutes later...he came out of the
booth and announced....

"I am the world expert on wasps...
and the sounds that they make...
but I did not recognize any of those".


"I'm very sorry sir"...said the young assistant.

"If you'd like to step back into the booth.....
I'll play you another track".


The world expert on wasps....and the sounds
that they make re-entered the booth and put
the headphones back on.

But five minutes later....he came out of the booth
again...shaking his head.

"I don't understand it"...he said.

"I am the world expert on wasps...and the sounds
that they make....and yet...still I am unable to
recognize any of those".

"I really am sorry sir"...said the young assistant.

"Perhaps if you would like to step back into the
booth....I could play you another track".


Eager to salvage his reputation....

the world expert on wasps....and the sounds that
they make went back into the booth....only to
emerge five minutes later in a state of considerable
agitation.

"I am the world expert on wasps...and the sounds
that they make...and yet I have recognized none
of the wasps on this LP".


"I really am terribly sorry"....

said the young assistant.....blushing.

"I've just realized I was playing you the Bee side".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 27 Oct 2010, 5:27 am

An Inmate....

At a tough...maximum-security prison
said to a new prisoner.

"I've got two tickets for the warden's ball.

do you want to buy one?".

"No thanks"...replied the newcomer.

"I can't dance".


"It's not a dance"...said the Inmate.


"It's a raffle!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 27 Oct 2010, 6:54 pm

A couple....

are sitting in a bar when a man comes
up to them.

"Excuse me"...he says to the couple....

"V D?".

The boyfriend jumps up and punches him
in the face...knocking him to the floor....
giving him a bloody nose.

The man picks himself up...goes to the toilet
to clean himself up.

A couple of minutes later he's back in the
bar approaching another couple.

"Excuse me"...he says to them.....

"V D?".

The same thing happens.

Three couples and three more beatings later

he sees a bloke in the corner with a scabby
face.

He goes over and says....

"V D....Mate?".

"Yeah'"...replied the bloke.

"Oh good.

You're next on the dartboard".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 28 Oct 2010, 2:13 pm

John goes to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist gives him the
Rorschach test.

He shows John a circle with a dot
inside it.

The psychiatrist then asks him...

"What do you see?".

John replies....

"Two people are having sex in the
middle of a circular room".

The psychiatrist then shows John
another picture of a square with a
dot inside it.

"What do you see in this one?"....asks
the psychiatrist.


"Two people having sex in a square
room"....replied John.


The psychiatrist shows John a third
picture of a triangle with a dot in it.


"What do you see now?"


"What are you Doc......

some kind of f**king pervert?".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 30 Oct 2010, 12:59 am

An unemployed man....

sees a vacancy for a gynaecologist's assistant
in the Aberdeen job centre.

So he goes up to the counter and asks for
more details.

He's told that the job description involves
preparation of the female patient for exam...

Including removal of her underwear.....

washing and shaving of her nether regions...

and applying oil to the shaved parts.

He is also informed that the job carries a
salary of fifty thousand pounds a year...

and that he should go to London.

The unemployed man asks....

"Why...is that where the job is located?".

"NO"....came the reply.

"That is where the end of the queue is!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 30 Oct 2010, 1:30 am

A bald guy....

with a wooden leg was invited to a fancy dress party.

He was very self-conscious about his baldness and
his disability and didn't quite know what costume to
wear to hide his head and his leg.

He decided to send an email to a fancy-dress hire
company to explain his predicament.

A few days later he received a parcel with a note...


"Dear sir...

please find enclosed a pirate outfit.

the spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head
and with your wooden leg...you will be perfect as a
pirate".


The man was annoyed at their lack of tact and felt
they had completely missed the point by emphasizing
his wooden leg.

He returned the costume with a very terse letter
complaining about their appallingly inappropriate
advice.

A week passed and he received another parcel and
a note which read....

"Dear sir...

We are very sorry.

please find enclosed a monk's habit.

the long robe will cover your wooden leg and with
your bald head you will really look the part".


Now the man was really annoyed and upset because
they have added insult to injury by making a feature
of his baldness.

This time he wrote the company a very rude letter of
complaint.

The next day he received a small parcel and a note
which read...

"Dear sir...

Please find enclosed a tin of treacle.

pour the tin of treacle over your bald head....

stick your wooden leg up your bottom....

and go as a toffee apple".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 30 Oct 2010, 12:37 pm

What's the worst thing a mother can say to her child?.

I should have swallowed you when I had the chance.


................................

What's the difference between love...true love....

and showing off?.


Spitting...Swallowing....and gargling.


...............................

A man was in bed with his new Thai bride.

After a couple of hours of fantastic...steamy sex...

she spent the next hour stroking his bobby...while
he enjoyed a smoke.

"That's nice"...he says.

"Why do you like doing that?".


She replies....

"Because I really miss mine".


..................................

What is long and hard...and a polish bride gets it
on her wedding night?.

A new surname.

.....................................

The pope falls seriously ill and all the cardinals are very worried.

they get the best doctors in Vatican city...but nothing helps.

Eventually one of the cardinals says....

"There is only one doctor that we haven't tried....

he is the best in all Italy".

So...the cardinals order him to summon the doctor to examine
the pope.

The doctor comes to the council of cardinals and says...

"I have good news and some bad news...

the holy father has cancer of the testicles....but the good news
is he can be cured...all he needs to do is take this drug and
have sex with a woman".

The cardinals recoil in shock.

Obviously this treatment is impossible because he is the holy
father and therefore must remain celibate.

Unfortunately...there is no other way...so one of the cardinals
approaches the pope and explains the situation.

"Holy Father...you have a terrible cancer and will die unless
you have sex with a woman".


The pope ponders this for a moment...then declares....

"OK...I'll do it...but on three conditions".


"OK"...says the cardinal.

"What are the conditions?".


"One...the woman must be blind...so she will never know
who she made love with".

"Okay... your holiness...what next?".

"Two...the woman must be dumb...so if she ever realizes
who she made love to...she will not be able to tell".

"Certainly...your holiness.

and the third condition?".



"She has to have big tits".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 01 Nov 2010, 10:05 pm

A man....

is at the barber's having his hair trimmed by
Italian Tony.

He mentions to Tony that he's shortly going
on holiday to Italy with the wife.



"MY HOMELAND!"...says Tony.

"Whereabouts you going?".



"We are going to ROME".


"ROME?...why would anyone want to go to Rome?

It's nasty and overcrowded and dirty.

you're crazy to want to go to Rome.

go to my home town...Palermo.



So...how are you going to get there?".



"We're taking Alitalia...I got a good rate".


"Alitalia?"...exclaims the barber.

"YOu fu**ing crazy?...that's a terrible airline.

Their planes are dirty...their flight attendants
are ugly and they're always late.


So...where are you staying in Rome?".


"We'll be at this exclusive little place near the
river Tiber...It's called the hotel ROMA"
.


"Don't go any further.

I know the place...It's a terrible tourist trap.

everybody thinks it's gonna be something
special and exclusive.

but it's a sh*t hole.

stay somewhere else.

so...what you gonna do in Rome?".



"We're going to go see the Vatican and maybe
get to see the Pope".



"Don't make me laugh!"...snorts the barber.

"Sure...you'll see him.

you and a million other people.

he'll look the size of an ant".



Six weeks later...the man returns for another trim.

Tony asks him about his trip to Rome.


"It was wonderful...not only were we on time in one
of Alitalia's brand new planes...but it was overbooked
so they bumped us up to first class.

the food and wine were fantastic and the cabin crew
waited on us hand and foot.

and the hotel was amazing.

they'd just finished a big refurbishing job and they
upgraded us to a suite for free.

then we went to see the Vatican....we were really lucky
because as we were walking around....a Swiss Guard
tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors....and if I'd be so kind
as to step into his private room and wait....the Pope
would personally greet me.

sure enough...five minutes later...the Pope walked through
the door and shook my hand!...I knelt down and he spoke
a few words to me".



"I don't believe it!....what'd he say?".


"He said.....

Tell me my son....Who fu**ed up your hair?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 02 Nov 2010, 3:35 pm

Joseph....

wakes up in hospital...swathed in bandages
from head to foot.

"Hello"....

said the doctor standing next to his bed.

"I see you've regained consciousness.

now you probably won't remember....
but I'm afraid you were in a terrible pile
up on the M1 motorway.

You're going to be okay...you'll walk again...

but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going
to break it to you as gently as I can.

Your Bobby was lost in the wreckage and we
were unable to find it".

Joseph groans but the doctor continues.

"We've checked your insurance and you've
actually got nine thousand pounds compensation
coming to you.

and the good news is that we have the technology
now to reconstruct your Bobby and it will work
just as well as your old one...better in fact.

Unfortunately...it doesn't come cheap.

It will cost you one thousand pounds an inch".


Joseph brightened up a bit at this news.

the doctor goes on....

"It's your decision.

you need to decide how many inches you want.

but it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife.

If you had a five inch dong previously....and you
decide to go for a nine incher now....she might
be a bit put out.

on the other hand...if you had a nine incher
before and you decide only to invest in five inches
now....she might be a bit disappointed.

so it is very important that you consult with her to
help you make the correct decision".

The doctor returned the next day and asked Joseph...

"Have you spoken with your wife?".

"I have doctor".

"And has she helped you to make a decision?".


"Yes....she has".


"And what is the decision?"....enquires the doctor.


Joseph replied....

"We're having a new kitchen!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 02 Nov 2010, 3:45 pm

The Queen....

and Prince Philip were dining out in one
of London's finest restaurants.

The waiter comes over and asks Philip
what he'd like to order.

"I'll have two rare steaks".

The waiter says....

"Does sir mean two bloody steaks?".

Philip replies....

"Yes...quite right...two bloody steaks".

To which the Queen adds.....

"And make sure there are plenty of
Fu**ing chips".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 03 Nov 2010, 2:52 pm

A businessman went to Las Vagas for the weekend
to play poker.

he lost his shirt off his back and had nothing left but
the second half of his round trip ticket.

He left the casino and found a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie
and promised that he would send the money from
home....but to no avail.

"Sorry Pal"...the cabbie said.

"If you don't have fifteen bucks....get the Flak
out of my cab!".


The businessman was forced to hitch a lift to the
airport and fortunately was able to catch his flight
with seconds to spare.


A couple of years later the same businessman
returned to Vagas.

This time his luck was in and he won a fortune.

Feeling pretty good with himself....he went out to
the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to
the airport.

At the end of a long line of cabs...he suddenly
recognized the driver who had refused him a
ride when he was on harder times.

He thought for a moment...then got into the first
cab in the line.

"How much for a ride to the airport?"...he asked.

"Fifteen Dollars"....came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blow job
on the way?"...he added.

"Get out of my Flaking cab!"...snarled the driver.



The businessman got into the back of the second
cab and repeated the question.......with similar
results.

he went to every cabbie in the long line with the
same question.


Eventually...he reached his old friend at the back
of the line...and got in his cab.


"How much for a ride to the airport?".....

The cabbie replied.....

"Fifteen Bucks".

The businessman replied..."OKAY"...and off they went.


As they drove past the long line of cabs....

the businessman gave a huge smile.......

and a thumbs-up sign to all the other cab drivers.

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 04 Nov 2010, 11:30 pm

A man in his sixties....

Joined an online dating agency
and began a correspondence
with a woman of similar age.

Eventually he suggested that
they should meet and decided
to be completely honest with
her from the outset.

He wrote....

"I admit I am no oil painting.

my entire face is covered in
vivid red boils and I have a
deep scar running across my
forehead.

I am four feet eleven inches
tall....

completely bald.

I only have one eye...my left
shoulder is six inches lower
than my right...and I walk
with a pronounced limp.

I could meet you in the market square
outside the bookshop at noon
on Saturday".


She wrote back....

"I am not concerned about your
appearance and am looking forward
to meeting you on Saturday.

Could you please carry a copy of
THE TIMES newspaper....

so that I will recognize you".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 05 Nov 2010, 1:04 pm

At the height of the troubles in
Northern Ireland...

A ten pm. curfew was imposed
in Belfast.

Everyone had to be off the streets
by that time...or risk being shot.

Then one night...a man was gunned
down at nine forty five.

The British army conducted an immediate
inquiry...and the soldier involved was brought
before his commanding officer.

The officer began....

"Why did you shoot that man at nine forty five
when the curfew did not begin until ten?".

"I knew where he lived"...replied the soldier.

"He'd never have made it".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 06 Nov 2010, 9:27 am

Joe....

went to the doctor and said....

"I feel like killing my wife.

She's a redhead and she's driving me crazy.

Please help me".

The doctor thought for a moment and said....

"Look... here are some pills.

Take these twice a day and they'll allow you
to make love to your wife six times a day.

If you do this for thirty days...she'll eventually
die from all your lovemaking....and the autopsy
will simply show that she died of heart failure
during sex".

"Thanks doctor"...said Joe excitedly grabbing the
bottle of pills.

"I'll start right away".

Almost a month later...the doctor saw Joe coming
down the street in a wheelchair.

His face was haggard and gaunt....

He looked to have aged about twenty years and he
could hardly move his body.

"What happened?"...asked the doctor.

"And what happened to your redheaded wife?".


"Don't worry Doc"...wheezed Joe struggling foe breath.

"Two more days...and she'll be dead!".


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PostSubject: Math tests for schools.   Sun 07 Nov 2010, 11:34 am

Math test for state schools.
........................................

Please enter your name.

Nickname.

Gang name.


1). Leroy has 0.5 kilos of cocaine.

If he sells an eight ball to Kevin for
three hundred pounds and one hundred
grammes to Wayne for one hundred pounds.


what is the street value of the rest of his stash?.


2). The bad blood gang have seventy two convictions
between them.

The crazy hoods have one hundred and twenty.

Express the crazy hood's criminal superiority as a
percentage.



3). Jules got nine years for murder.

He also got seven hundred and fifty thousand for the hit.

If his common law wife spends sixty thousand pounds a
year.


How much will he have left when he gets out two thirds
of the way through his sentence?.


4). Damon pimps four bitches.

If the price is fifty pounds a go.

How many tricks a day must each bitch perform to support
damon's four hundred pounds a day coke habit?.



5). Liam steals Jordan's skateboard.

As Liam skates away at a speed of thirty five MPH....

Jordan loads his brother's double barrelled shotgun.

If it takes Jordan twenty seconds to load the gun.

How far will Liam have travelled before he is taken out?.

.................................................................................



Maths tests for private schools.
...........................................


1). Ben smashes up his old man's car...

causing X amount of damage and killing three people.

Ben's father uses his influence with the police Inspector
to intervene in the court system....

forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of Y.

The difference between X and Y is three times the life
insurance settlement for the three dead people.


What kind of car is Ben driving now?.



2). If Verity throws up four times a day for a week...

She can fit into a size eight Versace.

If she throws up three times a day for two weeks...

She has to make do with a size ten Dolce & Gabbana.


Which is her better option?.



3). Hermione wants a boob job but Daddy will only
pay one third of the five thousand pounds price.

Given that Hermione earns five hundred pounds a
week as a soft porn model.


How long will it be before Daddy's little princess gets
her 36Ds?.



4). Jeremy is being blackmailed by a rent boy for
forty five per cent of Jeremy's annual earnings as a
banker.

As Jeremy earns eighty thousand pounds...


( without bonuses ).

How much will he have to cough up to keep out of
the papers?
.



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 07 Nov 2010, 4:18 pm

A little boy....

says to his dad one day....

"Dad...where does Poo come from?".

The father is a little taken aback that his
five year old son is already asking difficult
questions and thinks for a while how best to
respond.

"Well...you know how we just ate breakfast?".

"Yes"....answers the boy.

"Well...when you put food in your mouth you chew
and swallow.

The food then gets smaller and smaller and goes
down in your oesophagus...a long tube that goes
down into your tummy.

Your tummy then mixes up the food with liquid...
the digestive juices produced by your tummy.

The digestive juices help to break down the food
so the body can process it properly.

Then the food comes out of your tummy and goes
into your small intestine.

The walls of your small intestine are filled with little
hairs...or fingers that stick out...called Villi.

The Villi take the nutrients from the food into the
entire body.

After it leaves the small intestine...it travels into
the large intestine.

The only stuff that's left over when it goes into the
large intestine is waste.

The waste then comes out of your bottom when
you go to the loo...

And that is Poo".


The little boy stares at his Dad in stunned silence
for a few seconds....then asks.....

"Well...what about Tigger?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 08 Nov 2010, 3:18 pm

A mother ....

Is cleaning her son's room when
she finds an S & M magazine under
the bed.

Upset....she shows the magazine
to her husband.

"Well?"....his wife asks.

"What do you think we should do?".

"I'm really not sure"...the father
replies.

"But It's probably not a good idea
to spank him".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 08 Nov 2010, 4:12 pm

Carl walked into a bar....

And saw Ray sitting there with a huge smile
on his face.


"What are you so pleased about?"...asked Carl.


"Well...Carl...I gotta tell you.....

Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat....just waxin'
my boat...and this gorgeous redhead came up to
me......

Breasts out to here....Carl......Breasts out to here!.

She said.....

"Can I have a ride in your boat?".


I said.....

"Sure ...you can have a ride in my boat.....


So I took her way out ....Carl.

I turned off the key and said...

"It's either sex or swim!".



"She couldn't swim...Carl...she couldn't swim!".



Two days later...Carl walked into the bar and saw
Ray sitting there with an even bigger smile on his
face.


"What are you so happy about today?"...he asked.



"Well...Carl...I gotta tell you.........

Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat....just waxin'
my boat...and this heavenly blonde came up to me.

Breasts out to here....Carl....breasts out to here!

she said.....


"Can I have a ride in your boat?".



I said....

"Sure you can have a ride in my boat".



So I took her way out...Carl...way out much further
than the last one.

I turned off the key and said.....

"It's either sex or swim!".


She couldn't swim ....Carl...she couldn't swim!.



Three days later...Carl walked into the bar and saw
Carl crying over his beer.


"What are you so sad for?"....he asked.



"Well....Carl....I gotta tell you........

Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat....just waxin' my
boat...and this stunning brunette came up to me.


Breasts out to here ....Carl....breasts out to here.


She said.....

"Can I have a ride in your boat?".



I said....

"Sure...you can have a ride in my boat".



So I took her way out...Carl...way way out much further
than the last two.


I turned off the key....looked at her breasts and said....

"It's either sex or swim!".



She pulled down her pants and....she had a dong...Carl!...

she had this great big dong.....


And I can't swim!...Carl...I can't swim!".


Crying or Very sad
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 09 Nov 2010, 2:51 pm

A middle aged woman....

spotted a cute young man working in her
local supermarket.

When she reached the checkout.....

she asked whether someone could carry her
shopping to her car and was delighted to see
the manager nominate the young man for the
task.

Once outside in the car park....she whispered
suggestively....

"Young man...I have an itchy Fanny".

He replied.....

"Well....you'll have to point it out to me madam.

All Japanese cars look the same to me".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 09 Nov 2010, 3:32 pm

An undertaker....

Explained to a widow that it was impossible
to fit her late husband's body into the coffin
because rigor mortis had set in and left him
with an erection.

As a result...he couldn't close the lid.


"I could order a bigger coffin"....suggested
the undertaker.

"But it will cost you an extra £500 pounds".



"No...that's too expensive"....sighed the widow.

I simply can't afford that".


"Well...I suppose there is one other possible
solution"...said the undertaker hesitantly.

"I could cut off his Bobby".


"No...No"....said the widow.

"I want all of him there when we bury him".



"I understand that"...said the undertaker....

"But I could remove his Bobby and inset it in his
bottom.

That way he would be complete".



After thinking over the proposition for a few
minutes....the widow agreed.

"Ok"...she said....

"But I want to see his body immediately before
the funeral".



The undertaker and a surgeon went about the
business...then laid the body out as arranged
for the day of the funeral.

The corpse was made up immaculately and his
Bobby was neatly inserted in his Bottom.

As the mourners began to gather...the widow
went to the coffin to pay her last respects.


Saying her private goodbyes....she noticed that
a tear had trickled out of his eye and smudged
his make up.


Leaning over...she whispered....


"Hurts...doesn't it....you Bas**rd!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 12 Nov 2010, 7:33 pm

Every day at work....

A man sidled up to a woman....

took a deep breath....

and told her that her hair smelt nice.

After a week of this....

the woman reported him to her boss
for sexual harassment.

The boss was mystified.

"What's wrong with someone telling you
that your hair smells nice?".


The woman replied....

"He's a midget!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 12 Nov 2010, 7:46 pm

When Bob couldn't get a dance....


His pal decided to tell him the truth.


"It's the smell from your socks"...he said.

"They're really stinking....

Go home and change them...

then you should have no trouble".


So Bob went home...

but when he returned about an hour later...

he still had no luck getting a girl to dance with him.


"Did you change your socks?...asked his pal.


"Of course I did"...said Bob....

Pulling the socks from his jacket pocket.

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 12 Nov 2010, 8:00 pm

Egbert was sitting in a bar....


when a complete stranger walked up to him
and said....

"If you woke up in the woods...

scratched your bottom....

and found Vaseline all over it....

would you tell anyone?".

Egbert looked at him in amazement and said...

"Hell...No!".

"If you felt further in your pants"...continued
the stranger...

"And pulled out a used Condom....

Would you tell anyone.... then?".


"Your damned right I wouldn't!"...spluttered Egbert.


"well then"....said the stranger....


"Wanna go Camping?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 13 Nov 2010, 2:47 pm

Little Tommy....

Was watching television in his room one
evening and decided to go downstairs to
ask his mum and dad about something
he'd just heard.


"Dad"...said Tommy.

"What's love juice?".


Mum and Dad are horrified.


Eventually...dad finishes choking on his tea
and decides to bite the bullet.

"Well ...son...I guess one day you will need
to find out anyway...so here goes".


He gulps then continues....


"One day you will meet a girl who you like and
you will become very excited and your private
will become very hard.

You might want to touch the girl all over and when
you reach the top of her leg it will feel damp.

This is her love juice coming out of her private part.

It just means she is ready for sexual Intercourse".


Tommy just sits there with his mouth wide open in
astonishment.


Dad finishes the talk and asks....

"So...now son... you can tell me what it is you've been
watching that you shouldn't have".


Tommy replies....


"WIMBLEDON".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 13 Nov 2010, 2:58 pm

An old man...

was asleep in his chair one afternoon
when he was awoken by the sound of
the doorbell.

He shuffled to the door and when he
opened it...he saw a beautiful young
woman standing there.

"Oh...dear!"...she said.

"I'm at the wrong house".


"SWEETHEART...You're at the right house"..
the old man assured her.


"But your forty years too late!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 14 Nov 2010, 11:27 am

Keith....

Asks his girlfriend Karen to marry him
and she says yes but on one condition..

That he buys her a solid gold boy scout
knife.

He asks around...he looks on the Internet

he tries everywhere....

but he can't find a solid gold boy scout
knife anywhere.

But because he is really keen to marry
Karen he goes to a jeweller's and asks
them to make one specially.

He is told it will be very expensive...

but he tells them to go ahead anyway.

When it is ready...he presents it to Karen..

Who then agrees to marry him.

"So...why on earth did you want a solid
gold boy scout knife?"...asks Keith.

"What are you going to do with it?".


"I'm going to put it away somewhere safe...

then...when I'm old and grey and wrinkled...

With half my teeth missing and my boobs
sagging....

And no man will look at me twice...

I'll get it out.

Because a boy scout will do almost
anything for a solid gold pocket knife".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 14 Nov 2010, 11:45 am

A half dressed Scottish couple...

Were fondling each other on the couch
while watching television.

"Look at them homosexuals"....complained
the man.

They're ruining the sanctity o' marriage.

We should go to San Francisco and show
those damned perverts that marriage means
one man one woman..

is that not right...ma wee darlin'?".

The woman replied...

"That's right...Daddy".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 14 Nov 2010, 12:04 pm

Two women got chatting in the street.

One said....

"I've had a terrible time of it lately...Maureen.

my sister Joan committed suicide last month...

because she had run up terrible debts on her
credit card".

"Oh'...I'm sorry to hear that...Helen"...said the
other.

"A friend of mine was very depressed....too.

he owed a thousand pounds to a loan shark...

and his family were going to be thrown out into
the street the following day.

He was so distraught he drove to the edge of
a cliff and parked there...his head resting on
the steering wheel.

But all the nice people there had a whip round
and they got him his one thousand pounds.


It was a good job his bus was full that day".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 14 Nov 2010, 8:18 pm

Jake ....

is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases
when a stranger comes up behind him and asks....

"Have you got the time?".

Jake sighs... puts down the suitcases and turns around.

After glancing at his wrist he says....

"it's about two minutes past s"....

"Hey... that's a pretty fancy watch!".... Interrupts the stranger.

Jake brightens a little.

"Yeah... it's not bad.... Check this out".


Jake shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world.


He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says...

"The time is seven fifteen".... in a very West Texas accent.


A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.


Jake continues...

"I've put in regional accents for each city.

The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch...

and the voice is simply astounding ... smooth and perfectly audible...

without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that could fit
on a watch".


The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.


"That's not all"... says Jake.


He pushes a few more buttons ... it has more than a dozen ...

and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on
the display.


"If we were outside"... Jake says apologetically.

"It could show you where we were by satellite positioning....

but under this roof all it can do is remember my last position and a map of the
surrounding area.

View recede ten"... he says to the watch...and the display changes to show
eastern New York state.



"It responds to voice?!"... gasps the stranger...

Jake nods enthusiastically.


"But I haven't got it all programmed yet .....

most of the functions are still button-activated".


"I want to buy that watch!"... says the stranger.


"Oh...no.. it's not ready for sale yet... I'm still working out the bugs"...
says the inventor.

"But look at this"....

and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable
little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner....

a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as well as
trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes...

a pager with thermal paper printout and... most impressive of all

to the now drooling listener...

has capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books.


"though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far"... says Jake.



He starts up... "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" by Robert Heinlein.

Although the stranger has never heard of it... he can still hear those
amazing un..tinny voices coming out of the normal sized watch on
Jake's wrist.


"I've got to have that watch!"... he says.


"No.. you don't understand.. it's not ready".


"I'll give you $1000 for it!".


"Oh... no.. I've already spent more than"....


"I'll give you $5000 for it!".


"But it's just not"....


"I'll give you $15 000 for it!".


The stranger pulls out a check book.


"I've just... got... to have that watch!"


"But"...... Jake stops to think.

He's only put about $8500 into materials and development...

and with $15 000 he could make another one and have it ready
for merchandising in only another half a year.

$15000?...Hmmm'".


The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in
front of him.

"Here it is... ready to hand to you right here and now".


Jake... abruptly makes his decision.

"Ok"... he says... and peels off the watch.


They make the exchange... the check for the watch....

and the stranger starts happily away.


"Hey... wait a minute"... calls Jake after the stranger....


who turns around warily.


Jake indicates to the two suitcases he'd been trying to
wrestle through the bus station.


"Don't you want the batteries?".


affraid
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 15 Nov 2010, 6:12 pm

Prince Charles....

Was visiting STOKE ON TRENT and all the civic
dignitaries were lined up at STOKE station ready
for the royal train to arrive.

As the train came to a standstill the door to the
royal carriage opened and out stepped the prince

who appeared to be wearing a piece of red carpet
on his head.

Upon closer inspection it turned out to be a genuine
fox fur hat.

The lord mayor of STOKE ON TRENT stepped forward
and whispered in the prince's ear.....

"Sir...It is one of the hottest days of the year.

I know your views about hunting and all that....

but It's hardly politically correct....Is it?.

I mean....wearing a fox fur hat on a hot day?".


"Oh'.... this old thing"....Charles indicated his hat....

"This was Daddy's idea".

"Daddy's Idea?"...said the lord mayor incredulously.

"You mean the DUKE OF EDINBURGH told you to wear it?".


"Oh' yes".....replied Charles....

"You see...he asked me where I was off to today....

and when I told him I was going to STOKE ON TRENT....

He said....


"STOKE ON TRENT?......WEAR THE FOX HAT!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 21 Nov 2010, 4:54 am

An old lady....

In a nursing home was trundling up and down
the corridor on her Zimmer frame.....

when an elderly retired policeman jumped out
in front of her.


"You do realize you were speeding just then?.

Could I have your driving licence?"...he says.


She hands over her library card.


He studies it carefully and hands it back with
a raffle ticket.


"Here's a speeding ticket"...the old man tells her.

"Be on your way...and drive more slowly this time".


A couple of hours later...

the same old woman is going down the very same
corridor when the ex-policeman once again jumps
out in front of her.


"That U-turn you did just then was Illegal....

can I see your driving licence?".


Once again she hands over her library card....

He checks it and sends her on her way.


Several minutes pass and she is coming back up
the corridor.


The Ex-policeman jumps out from his room stark
naked....nursing a wrinkly erection.


"Oh No"...cries the old lady.

"Not the breathalyser again!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 21 Nov 2010, 5:16 am

A married couple....

Are shopping in the local supermarket when
the husband picks up a crate of beer and
sticks it in their trolley.

"What are you doing?"...asks the wife.

"They're on special offer"...he replies.

"Put them back...we can't afford it!"...
Insists the wife....

and they carry on shopping.

A couple of aisles later...she picks up a
£20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the
trolley.

"How come I have to give up stuff and you
don't?"....he complains.

She countered....

"The make up is so I can look good for you".

"NO"...he replied.....

"That's what the Fu**ing beer is for".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 22 Nov 2010, 6:28 am

Three men....

Are abducted by cannibals and thrown into
a hut to await their fate.

The chief tells them that they will be dealt
with on a one per day basis.

The first day...one man is dragged out and
presented with a choice.

"Death...or Jojo"...says the chief.

The man has no idea what Jojo is.....

But at least it can't be worse than death....

so he accepts Jojo.

Immediately...he is strapped naked to a tree
face first and one by one the cannibals all
have sex with him.

Torn and bleeding...he is thrown back into the hut.

He pleads to his companions....

"Don't accept Jojo... accept death!".

The second man is dragged out the next day and
presented with the same choice.

With his partner's condition still fresh in his mind...

he is very afraid...but thinks that at least the guy
survived.

so.... he also opts for Jojo.

The cannibals have sex with him again and again
then he is thrown back into the hut looking twice
as bad as the first guy.

The third guy is scared out of his wits.

When asked what his choice is on the third day....

he immediately selects death.

The chief nods and passes the sentence....

"DEATH BY JOJO".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 22 Nov 2010, 6:56 am

A worrying new study....

has linked women's alcohol consumption
with breast cancer....

suggesting that women who get drunk
regularly are more likely to suffer from
the disease.

The effects of this may be counterbalanced

however...by the fact that drunk women are likely
to get their tits felt by a wide variety of blokes....

and some of them could be doctors.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 25 Nov 2010, 2:37 pm

Three ladies....

Are on a plane trip together when the captain
announces....

"Please prepare for a crash landing.

the first lady puts on all her jewellery.

Surprised by this..the other two question her
about it.


"Well...when they come to rescue us they will
see that I am rich and will rescue me first".


The second lady...not wanting to be left behind
Immediately takes off her blouse and bra.


"Why are you doing that?"...the other ladies ask.


"Well...when they come to rescue us they will see
my great boobs and will rescue me first".

The third lady...an African American.....doesn't
want to be outdone.

She takes off her skirt and panties.

"Why are you doing that?"...the other ladies ask.


The third lady replied....

"They always search for the black box first!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 25 Nov 2010, 9:33 pm

A man goes to visit his eighty five year old
grandfather in the hospital.

"How are you today...grandpa?"...he asks.


"Feeling fine"...says the old man.


"What's the food like?".


"Terrific...Wonderful menus".


"And the nursing care?".


"Just couldn't be better.

these young nurses are very kind and take
great care of me".


"What about sleeping?...do you sleep okay?".


"No problem at all...nine hours solid every night.

at ten o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate

and a Viagra tablet...and that's it.

I go out like a light".


The grandson is puzzled by this last part....so he goes
down the hall to question the nurse in charge.


"My grandfather tells me you're giving him Viagra
every night.

What on earth are you doing giving an eighty five
year old Viagra on a daily basis?".


"Oh...yes...replies the nurse.

"Every night we give him a cup of hot chocolate
and a Viagra tablet.

The chocolate makes him sleepy and the Viagra
keeps him from rolling out of bed".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 25 Nov 2010, 10:09 pm

It's the spring of 1957....

and Bobby goes to pick up his date.

He's a pretty hep guy with his own car.


The girl's father answers the door and
invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet...so why don't
you have a seat?"...he says.


"That's cool"...says Bobby.


Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're
planning to do...and he replies politely
that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a Movie.


Why don't you two go out and screw?.. I hear
all the kids are doing it".


"Um...excuse me...sir...I thought you said that
we should go out and screw".


"Yeah...Carrie really likes to screw....she'll
screw all night if we let her!".


Well....this just makes Bobby's eyes light up...

and his plans for the evening take a radically
different turn.


A few minutes later..... Carrie comes downstairs
in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's
ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation Bobby escorts
his date out the front door.


About twenty minutes later...Carrie rushes back into
the house...slams the door behind her...and screams
to her father....

"Darn it...Daddy!....It's called the TWIST!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 27 Nov 2010, 8:30 am

Two women ....

were standing at a funeral.


"I blame myself for his death"....
said the wife.

"Why?"...said her friend.



The wife replied......

"Cos I shot him".


....................................


"You never cry out when you have an orgasm"....
said the husband.

"How would you know?"....replied his wife.....

"You're never there".


.........................................................


A married couple both had jet black hair.....

so when their daughter was born a redhead......

the husband not surprisingly was a bit suspicious.


He went to the doctor and explained the situation.


The doctor asked.....


"Well....how often do you and your wife have sex?".


"Oh...about once every two years".......
said the husband.


"Well...that explains it"...said the doctor.

"You're a bit rusty".


...................................................................


This poor old couple were sitting in their room talking.

"We've completely run out of money"....said the husband.

"You're going to have to go out and sell your body".


"You can't be serious"....said his wife.

"Yes I am"....said the husband.


So off she goes and comes back twelve hours later with
five pounds and ten pence.

"Who gave you ten pence?"...asked the husband.

His wife replied.....

"EVERYBODY".


...........................................................


Two sperm.....

are swimming along and one is starting to get tired.

He asks his mate......

"How far do you think it is to the UTERUS?......

I'm getting pretty tired!".


His mate says.....

"I'm not sure...but I think it must still be a long way.....


We've only just passed the OESOPHAGUS!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 28 Nov 2010, 3:04 pm

One Bright and sunny afternoon.....

PINOCCHIO and his girlfriend were in bed doing what
girls and little wooden boys do.


As they were having a cuddle....later..

PINOCCHIO could tell that something was bothering
his girlfriend.


So...he asked her..."What's the matter....Baby?".


PINOCCHIO'S girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied....

"You're probably the best guy I've ever met....

but every time we make love you give me splinters".


PINOCCHIO ...upset greatly by her remarks decided
that the very next day he would go and seek advice
from his creator....GEPETTO.


When PINOCCHIO arrived...GEPETTO could tell something
was bothering his little wooden friend...

and asked him what was the matter.


PINOCCHIO revealed his dilemma... GEPETTO searched
high and low for a solution.


Eventually...he suggested that sandpaper might be able to

'SMOOTH' out PINOCCHIO'S relationship with his girlfriend.


PINOCCHIO thanked GEPETTO and went on his way.


GEPETTO didn't hear from PINOCCHIO for a while...so
assumed that the sandpaper had solved PINOCCHIO'S
problems.


Months later...GEPETTO was in town having some of his
blades sharpened in the hardware store when he spotted
PINOCCHIO buying up all the packs of sandpaper the store
had in stock.


"SO PINOCCHIO....things must be going pretty damn good
with the girls".


PINOCCHIO looked at GEPETTO with a big grin on his face
and said....


"GIRLS?.....WHO NEEDS GIRLS?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 29 Nov 2010, 1:58 pm

Stanislaw stands in line for hours
at the WARSAW meat store during the
last days of COMMUNISM.


When the butcher comes out at the end
of the day and announces that there is
no meat left....the old man flies into a
rage.

"What is this?"...he shouts.

"I fought against the Nazis....

I worked hard all my life.....

I've been a loyal citizen.....

and now you tell me I can't even buy a
piece of meat?.....

this rotten system stinks!".


Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather
coat sidles up and murmurs....

"Take it easy comrade.

remember what would have happened if you
had made an outburst like that only a few
years ago"...

and he points an imaginary finger to his head
and pulls the trigger.


The old man goes home....

and his wife says.....

"SO...they're out of meat again?".


"It's worse than that"...replies Stanislaw.

"They're out of bullets".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 01 Dec 2010, 4:29 pm

The Pope was taking a shower.

Although very strict about the celibacy rules....

he occasionally felt the need to exercise his right wrist....

and this was one of these occasions.


Just as he reached the Papal climax he spotted a photographer
snapping a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.


"Hang on a minute".... said the Pope.

"You can't do that.

You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church".


"This picture is my lottery win".... shouted the photographer.

"Now I'll be financially secure for life".


The Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer...

and after negotiation...

they eventually arrived at a figure of seven thousand pounds.


The Pope then dried himself off....

and headed downstairs with the camera.


He met his housekeeper... who spotted the camera.


"That looks like a really good camera".... she said.

"how much did it cost you?".


"seven thousand pounds".... replied the Pope.


seven thousand pounds....thought the housekeeper.


someone's seen him coming!.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 04 Dec 2010, 11:56 am

The Duke of Edinburgh is speeding through Devon with his chauffeur
at the wheel on his way to an important address.


Driving down a country road... the chauffeur....

( who is distracted... looking out the window at sheep...who wouldn't be )

doesnít see a pig walk out onto the road... and he hits it with the car.

Stopping the car... he jumps out... and Prince Philip also gets out to see
what is going on.

The chauffeur... very distressed by what heís done asks Philip what they
should do... and philip tells him impatiently that he's in a hurry and they
should move the pig to the side of the road and get to the address and
worry about the pig later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur...

who is a fairly good hearted person (despite his employer) is worried about
the family who owned the pig and wonders how theyíll react to discovering
the dead pig.... so when they arrive he asks philip whether he shouldnít
drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.

The Duke agrees before hurrying to the podium....

and the Chauffeur hurries back towards the farm.

Seven hours later the Chauffeur comes stumbling down the road...

his arms full of fruit and home made pastries and his breath smelling of liquor.

Philip.... in a massive rage demands to know what happened to him.

the chauffeur explains....

" I went to the farm where I killed the pig.

When I knocked on the door and gave them the news....

they gave me all this fruit and cakes....

then they gave me the best ale Iíve ever tasted....

and let me have my way with their beautiful nubile young daughter...

and then sent me on my way.... after all of them hugged me".


Philip seemed confused by this and asked his chauffeur...

"well.... what exactly did you tell them?".


The chauffeur replied.....

"I really canít understand it either..... all I did was tell them......

"Iím the Duke of Edinburgh's Chauffeur.... and I killed the pig".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 06 Dec 2010, 5:42 am

It was a bright sunny morning in the Forest and the Bear family
were just waking up.

Baby Bear comes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his tiny little bowl.

It is empty!.

"Who's been eating my porridge".... he squeaked?.

Daddy Bear arrived at the table and sat in his big daddy chair.

He looked into his big daddy bear bowl... and it is also empty!.

"Who's been eating my porridge!"... he roared?.

Mammy Bear put her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yelled ....

"For F**k's sake.......

how many times do I have to go through this?".

"It was Mammy Bear who got up first...

who woke everybody else in the house ......

who made the Coffee".

"It was Mammy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night....

and put everything away".

"It was 'Mammy Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air
to fetch the newspaper....

who set the table..... who put the cat out.... cleaned the litter box and

filled the cat's water and food dish....And....

now that you've all decided to come downstairs and grace Mammy Bear
with your presence...

listen good....cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I haven't made the F**KiN' porridge yet".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 12 Dec 2010, 2:53 pm

The barman was washing up glasses...

when an elderly Irishman came in.

With great difficulty.... the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over a bar stool....

pulled himself up painfully..... and asked for a half of Irish whisky.


The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said....

"Is that Jesus down there?".


The barman nodded.


So.. the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whisky as well.


The next customer to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched
back... who moved very slowly.

He shuffled up to a bar stool and asked for a glass of Chianti.


He looked down to the end of the bar and asked if that was Jesus
sitting at the end of the bar.

The barman nodded.

So.... the Italian said.....

" Give him a glass of Chianti as well".


The third patron to enter the bar was a Scotsman....

who swaggered up to the bar and yelled....

"Barman... gis us a lager...pal.

Hey!!.... is that no God's Boy doon at the end O' the bar?".

The barman nodded.

So... the Scot told him to give Jesus a lager as well.


When Jesus got up to leave.

he walked over to the Irishman... touched him on the forehead
and said....

"For your kindness.... you are healed!".


The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg...

got up and danced a jig right out of the door.


Jesus then went up and touched the Italian on his forehead
and said....

"For your kindness....you are healed!".


The Italian felt his back straighten....

he raised his hands above his head and did cartwheels out
of the door.

Jesus finally walked over towards the Scotsman.


the Scotsman jumped back and screamed....

"Don't you dare f**kin touch me!....

I'm on Social Disability benefit!".






What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut?.

One's thick and hairy...

and the other's a coconut.

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 17 Dec 2010, 1:27 pm

An elderly couple.....

Had been courting for nearly seven years
and finally decided it was time they got
married.


But first they agreed they should work out the
details of how their marriage was going to work
in order to avoid any misunderstandings or
disappointments.

SO...over dinner they had a long conversation
about their future.

They discussed finances...living arrangements..

and all manner of things that affected them both.

The old man took written notes of every point
they covered.

Finally he thought he should mention the physical
side of the relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?"......

he asked tentatively....pencil in hand.


"Well"....replied the old lady.....

Choosing her words carefully.


"I'd have to say....

I would like it infrequently".


The old man Inquired....


"Is that one word or two?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 18 Dec 2010, 12:06 pm

A man was walking through the park...

When he came across an old lamp.

He rubbed it...and the Genie that
appeared granted him three wishes.

"To be honest"...said the man...

"I can't think of anything I really need.

I have all I want in life".


The Genie tried to prompt him.

"How about a million pounds?....

everyone could do with more money".


"Not me"...said the man.

I lead a relatively simple life".


"What about a fast car?"...said the genie.

I could get you a top of the range Ferrari
with a click of my fingers".


"I don't drive"...said the man.


"How about sex?"...suggested the Genie.

"How many times do you make love in a week?".


"Once or twice"...replied the man.


"There you go!"...said the Genie.

I can make your sex life much more active".


"Well....OK"....said the man Indifferently.

But I thought once or twice a week was pretty good
for a priest in a town this small".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 21 Dec 2010, 4:41 am

A young man and his girlfriend....

were sitting in his apartment one evening
when he turned to her and said.....

"I think it's time we named the day".


She immediately screamed with excitement...

threw her arms around him....

Kissed him passionately on the mouth....

Jumped up and down...and....before he could
say another word....

Phoned her Mum and her best friend.


When she came off the phone....

Still bubbling over with joy....he said.


"SORRY...I worded that badly.....I meant....

Call It a day".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 21 Dec 2010, 3:03 pm

The Irish maid....

Picked up the phone and muttered something
before slamming it down.


"Who was that Mary?"....asked the Mistress.

"I'm expecting a trunk call".


"Only some mad idiot...Madam.

He said it was a long distance from California.


I said I know".







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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 21 Dec 2010, 3:10 pm

Flanagan....

had won a great deal of money
and bought himself a piano.

About a week later Burke saw him
pushing it on a hand cart along the
street.

"What's this...Flanagan!.....

Are you taking it back?".

"Not a bit of it"....said Flanagan.

"I'm going for me first lesson".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 22 Dec 2010, 11:29 am

The oldest inhabitant Of Dublin.....

was interviewed some years ago and asked
if he had his life to live over again was there
any major change he'd make.

He thought about it.

"Indeed there is......Indeed there is".....
he whined.

"And what would that be?"....he was asked.

"Sure and I'd part me hair in the middle
so I would".



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