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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 21 Aug 2010, 7:40 am

Once upon a time....

There was an elderly couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in the marriage was the husband's habit of breaking wind very loudly
every morning when he woke.

The noise would wake his wife... and the smell would make her eyes water...

and she would gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop blowing them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't help it... and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor because she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!.

Then one morning she was preparing a turkey for dinner.

looking at the bowl where she had put the neck... gizzard... liver... and all the other spare parts....

a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where as usual... her husband was sound asleep.

gently... pulling back the bed covers... she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and
emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband... with his usual trumpeting.... which was followed by a blood
curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

His wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing.... tears in her eyes!.

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later her husband came downstairs in bloodstained underpants with a look of horror
on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.


"Honey, you were right".

"All these years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?"..... asked his wife.

"Well.... you always told me that one day I would end up blowing my guts out... and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God... some Vaseline.... and two fingers.... I think I got most of em' back in".



affraid
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 22 Aug 2010, 4:00 am

At the crowded bus stop....

a beautiful young woman was waiting for a bus.

She was dressed in a tight leather skirt with matching tight leather boots
and jacket.

A bus rolled up and it came her turn to get on.

She became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to
the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed.... with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind
and unzipped her skirt a little.

thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to get on..... only to discover she still couldn't!.

A little more embarrassed.... she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt
and for a second time could not get her leg up because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile directed at the driver she again unzipped the
offending skirt a little more.... and again was unable to make
the step.

The big Texan behind her..... picked her up easily from the waist and placed her
lightly on the step of the bus.

Well..... she went ballistic and turned on our would-be hero..... screaming at
him......

"How dare you touch my body!...... I don't even know who you are!".


"Well ma'am normally I would agree with you"....said the Texan


"But after you unzipped my fly three times.....

I kinda figured we was friends".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 23 Aug 2010, 6:19 am



A new student named Suzuki.....the son of a Japanese businessman....
starts his first day in fourth grade class.

The teacher said...hi everyone....

"Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said.....

"Give me Liberty.... or give me Death?".

She saw a sea of blank faces.... except for Suzuki....

"Patrick Henry.... 1775"..... said Suzuki.

"Very good!..... Now class...who said.....

"Government of the people... by the people.... for the people...
shall not perish from the earth?".

Again... no response except from Suzuki.

"Abraham Lincoln.... 1863"..... said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class....

"Class.... you should be ashamed.

Suzuki....who is new to our country.... knows more about its history
than you do".


The teacher heard a loud whisper from somewhere in class...

"Screw the Japs".


"Who said that?".... she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up.

"Lee Iacocca... 1982".

At that point... another student somewhere in the back said.....

"I'm gonna puke".

The teacher glared at the class and asked....

"All right! Now.... who said that?".... Again.... Suzuki says....

"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister.... 1991".

Now furious... another student yells.....

"Oh yeah?.... Suck this!".

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher...

"Bill Clinton.... to Monica Lewinsky... 1997!".



cheers
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 23 Aug 2010, 6:35 am


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a man on the ground below.

He descended a bit more and shouted....

"Excuse me.... can you help me?.

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago....

but I don't know where I am".

"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet
above the ground.

You are between forty and forty one degrees north latitude and between
fifty nine and sixty degrees west longitude".....
replied the man below.

"You must be an engineer".... said the balloonist.

"That's right"....replied the man on the ground.... "How did you know?".

"Well"....answered the balloonist.

"Everything you've told me is technically correct.... but I have no idea what
to make of your information.... and the fact is I am still lost.

Frankly.... you've not been much help so far".


"You must be in Management".... responded the man below.

"I sure am...."replied the balloonist.... "but how did you know?".

"Well," said the man on the ground.

"you don't know where you are or where you are going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep....

and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before

we met.... but now....somehow.... it's my fault".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 26 Aug 2010, 10:17 am

One day....

a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage

and found that during his absence his name had been

removed from the town register.

He sent his wife to the town hall to make a complaint to
the mayor.


'I'm sorry".... said the mayor....

'I must have taken Leif off my census".


Very Happy


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 26 Aug 2010, 10:44 am

wow john

have you realised how many views your joke section gets.......... 6866 thereabouts Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 26 Aug 2010, 9:39 pm

I can't understand why there's not thousands more...

perhaps if I added my photograph...

they would log on in the millions...

just to see my face ...

that would really have them rolling about
in stitches...

not sure about the females and the kiddies though

could be rather disturbing especially if they
sleep alone at night


monochrome
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 27 Aug 2010, 1:29 pm

George Papadopalous was a very...

very rich and successful internationally known Greek ship owner.

One day... as Barbara Walters was interviewing him about his life
and times the following conversation occurred.

This I might add... is taking place as they wander over his beautiful estate

located somewhere in Greece.

"You see Barbara"..... he informs her.....

"This is where it all began.

This is the very soil upon which I was born....

and where I grew up.

" Over there".... said George...pointing towards a tiny hut... is where I was born.

where my father was born... and his father....... blah.... blah...so on and so forth.


"Yes.... these hills are where I grew up.... Why.... just over there....

you see that little hill....with the gnarled old fig tree?"


"Oh... yes"... exclaims Barbara......

"How pretty... How idylic".



"Well"... says Papadopalous ...

"Just under that fig tree is where I had my first sexual experience....

And you see that bush on the other side of the little hill over to the left?.

That is where her mother stood and watched!".


This.... of course brings a flush of red to Barbara's cheeks....

but she pushes bravely on.


"Oh"..... says Barbara.... "And what did her mother say?".



"Baaaaaa"


Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 19 Sep 2010, 7:36 am

A Lorry driver....

was driving through the countryside when his truck broke down.

He gets out...lifts the bonnet...and is looking inside at the engine when

He hears a voice say.... "hey".

When he looks up... he sees two horses.... a white and a brown one.

The white one said.... "it sounds like your fan belt's broken".

So the driver looks and sure enough... it is broken!.

"My owner has a fan belt in the barn"....said the white horse.

So the driver goes and retrieves it.... fixes his truck.....

and drives down the road to the nearest bar.

He enters.... still freaked out from how intelligent the horses were.

he goes up to the barman and says....

"you'll never believe this.... but two horses just talked to me and told me
how to fix my lorry".

The barman asks.... "which one told you.... the white or brown one?".

"The white one".... the driver replied.

"That's lucky"....says the barman....

"cause the brown one don’t know sh*t about engines".


Embarassed


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 19 Sep 2010, 8:10 am

There is a yearly check-up for breast cancer.....

on all the girls living on campus.....

at one of the most prestigious universities around.


The doctor calls the first girl into the check- up room.....

and tells her to remove her top.


When she does....

there is this huge imprint of an H right smack in the middle of her chest.


Horrified.... the doctor asks the girl to tell her how she aquired it.


"Well.... honestly.... I’m a bit embarrassed about it"..... says the girl.


"You see.... my boyfriend plays football for the University of Harvard....

and he likes to wear his jersey when we’re having sex".


The doctor checks the girl for breast cancer... and sends her on her way.


When the next girl comes in.... she takes off her top.....

and there is an impression of a huge O on her chest.


Stunned.... the doctor asks the girl what happened.


"Well... you see".... says the girl sheepishly...


"my boyfriend plays rugby for the University of Ohio....

and he likes to wear his jersey when we’re having sex".


"Oh... I see"... says the doctor.


A third girl comes in.... removes her top....

and there is a huge impression of an M on her chest.


"Oh... I know this".... says the lady doctor smugly.


"Your boyfriend plays for the University of Michigan....right?".



"No... he doesn’t".... replied the girl.


"But he does play for the university of Wisconsin".


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 20 Sep 2010, 12:48 pm

Mary Poppins....

was travelling home..... but due to worsening weather...

decided to stop at a hotel for the night.


Approaching the receptionist.... she inquired of a room for the night.


"Certainly madam".


"Is the restaurant open still?".... inquired Mary.


"Sorry...I'm afraid not"....but room service is available all night.

Would you care to select something from that menu?".


Smiling....Mary took the menu for perusal.


"Hmm... I would really like cauliflower cheese please".


"Certainly madam".


"And might I also have breakfast in bed?"..... Mary inquired politely.


The receptionist nodded in the affirmative.


"In that case... I would love a couple of poached eggs please".


After confirming her requests....

Mary signs in and retires up to her room for the night.


The night passes peacefully.... next morning.... Mary appears at reception.


"Good Morning madam...sleep well?".


"Yes.... thank you for asking".


"Food to your liking?".


"Well... I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional.

I don't think I have had better.


Pity about the eggs ....they really weren't that nice at all".


"Oh...well..... perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.


We always look to improve our service and would value your opinion".



"Ok... I will...thanks!".


Mary... checking out.... paused awhile....

before scribbling a comment into the book.

Waving goodbye.... she left to continue her journey.


Curious... the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

He read out loud to himself.....



"SUPERCAULIFLOWERCHEESEBUTTHEEGGSWEREQUITEATROCIOUS!".


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 21 Sep 2010, 3:12 pm

little Jemima......

walks into a pet shop and asks with the sweetest little lisp....

“Excuthe me.... mithter.... do you keep wittle wabbits?”.


The shopkeeper goes down on one knee....

so that he’s on eye level with little Jemima.... and asks....

“Would Ooo' want a wittle white wabby.....

or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby....

or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”.


Jemima.... puts her hands on her knees.....

leans forward and says in a quiet voice.....


“I don’t fink my pyfon really givths a thit”.



Rolling Eyes
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 21 Sep 2010, 3:46 pm

Once.....

not that long ago....

A blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she decided to
have her hair cut and dyed brown.

Some time later... as she was out driving around the countryside....

she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures.... she called out to the shepherd...

“If I can guess how many sheep you have.... can I keep one?”.


The shepherd...being the perfect gentleman......replied....

“Why of course!”.

She thought for a moment and... for no discernible reason... said....

"Five hundred and Thirty Two".

that being the correct number... the shepherd was

understandably totally amazed and blurted out....

“Goodness Gracious...You’re right!.

Ok.... I’ll keep my end of the bargain..... Take your pick of my flock”.


The girl carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was
by far the cutest and most playful of them all.

When she had finished... the shepherd turned to her and said...

“Ok... now I have a proposition for you.

If I can guess your true hair colour....

can I have my dog back?”.


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 21 Sep 2010, 10:19 pm

Quite recently....

there was an opening with the special branch of the secret service for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are hard to fill....

and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be
considered for the position.


After sending some applicants through the background checks... training and testing.

they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and one woman.

Only one position was available.


The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.

The special branch operatives administering the test took one of the men through a large
metal door and handed him a gun.


"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

"Inside this room... you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Take this gun and kill her".

The man looked shocked and said....

"You can't be serious!....

I could never shoot my own wife!"


"Well".... says the man from special branch...

"you're definitely not the right man for this job then".


So they brought the second man through the same door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Take this gun and kill her".


The second man looked a bit shocked....

but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room.


All was quiet for about five minutes.

then the door opened.

He came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried to shoot her.... I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.

I guess I'm not the right man for the job".


"No"...said the man from special branch.

"You don't have what it takes.

Take your wife and go home".


Now they were down to the woman left to test.

they led her through the same room and handed her the gun.

"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances.

This is the final test.


Inside a room you will find your husband sitting in a chair.

Take this gun and kill him".


The woman took the gun and opened the door.

Before the door even closed all the way......

the men from special branch heard the gun start firing.


One shot after another.... thirteen shots in total.


Then ....all hell broke loose in the room.

They heard screaming... crashing... banging on walls.

This went on for several minutes... then all went quiet.


The door opened slowly... and there stood the woman.


wiping the sweat from her forhead she said...


"Why didn't you tell me the gun was loaded with blanks?.


I had to beat him to death with the chair!".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 22 Sep 2010, 12:21 pm

The telephone rang at dawn.


"Hellooo...Senor Ralph?....

This is Alfredo...thee caretaker at your country house".


"Hi...Alfredo.

What can I do for you?...is there a problem?".


"Uh...I am just calling to tells you...Senor Ralph....

that your parrot died".


"My parrot?...dead?....the one that won the
international competition?".


"Si'...Senor...that's thee one".


"Damn...that's a pity.

I spent a small fortune on that bird.

What did he die from?".


"From eating rotten meat...Senor Ralph".


"Rotten meat?...who the hell fed him rotten meat?".


"Nobody...Senor.

He ate thee meat of thee dead horse".


"Dead horse?...what dead horse?".


"Thee Thoroughbred...Senor Ralph".


"My prize thoroughbred is dead?".


"Si'... Senor Ralph...he died from all thee work pulling
thee water cart".


"Are you insane?...what water cart?".


"Thee one we used to put out thee fire...... Senor".


"My God!...what fire are you talking about?".


"Thee one at your house...Senor.

A candle fell and thee curtains caught fire".


"What the hell?....are you telling me that my five
million pounds mansion is destroyed because of a candle?".


"Si' Senor Ralph".


"But there's electricity at the house!....

what was the candle for?".


"For thee funeral...Senor Ralph".


"What bloody funeral?".


"Your wife's...Senor Ralph.

she showed up one night out of thee blue....

and I thought she was a thief.

So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods' Nike driver".



"ALFREDO....If you broke that driver....

you're in big trouble!".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 22 Sep 2010, 10:10 pm

An old actor....

falls on hard times because he has found
it increasingly difficult to remember his lines.

After many years he finds a theatre where
they are prepared to give him another chance
to shine again.

The director says....

"This is the most important part....

and it only has one line.

You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying
a rose.

You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger
and thumb...sniff the rose deeply and then say...

"Ah'...the "sweet aroma of my mistress".

The actor is thrilled.

All day long before the performance....

he's practising his line over and over again.

Finally...the curtain time comes.

The curtain goes up...the actor walks onto the stage
and with great passion delivers the line....

"Ah'...the sweet aroma of my mistress".

The theatre erupts.

The audience is screaming with laughter....

but the director is steaming!.

"You fool!"...he cries.

"You've ruined me!".

Bewildered...the old actor asks....

"What happened...did I forget my line?".

"NO!"...screams the director.

"You forgot the rose!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 23 Sep 2010, 3:24 pm

One night.....

A woman found her husband standing over
their newborn baby's crib.


Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant...

she saw on his face a mixture of feelings...

disbelief...doubt...delight...amazement...enchantment
scepticism.

Touched by his rare display of deep emotion...

she felt her eyes grow moist.

She slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts"...

she whispered tenderly in his ear.

"It's amazing"....he replied.

"A miracle almost.

I just can't see how anybody can make a crib
like this for only £64 95p".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 24 Sep 2010, 8:07 am

After working on the railways for fifty years....

Old Bob is finally retiring.

The train company he works for asks him what
he would like for his retirement present and Bob
says he'd like his very own train carriage....

which he can keep in the back garden.

The carriage would serve as his very own private
hideaway.....

In which he could sit and think back on all the years
he worked on the railways.

So...to honour their most loyal employee....

The train company gives Bob his very own luxury
carriage and positions it just as he wants in his
back garden.

A year later....

Bob's former boss calls to see how he's getting on.

Bob's wife answers the door and takes him through to
the back garden.

There...the boss is rather surprised to find Bob sitting
in a seat next to his carriage smoking his pipe despite
the fact that It's pouring with rain.

"What are you doing?"...

asks the boss.

"Why are you sitting out here in the rain when you
could sit inside that beautiful luxury carriage we gave
you?".

"I've got no choice"....says old Bob.

"You gave me a non-smoker".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 24 Sep 2010, 8:32 am

One day....

A Post Office sorting worker finds a letter that
has arrived addressed to God.

He opens it and reads....

"Dear God...I hope you can help me.

Last Thursday I was mugged and had my purse
stolen.

In it was fifty pounds which I had been saving
for a wee toy for my great grandson's birthday.

It has really upset me that I won't be able to buy it.

I am crying as I write this letter.

Please help if you can.

Yours faithfully...

Ethel Higgenbotham. (aged 85).



The letter is shown round the staff in the sorting
office and the workers are all touched by the sad
story.

Being generous souls...they decide to have a whip
round for the old lady and they raise forty six pounds.

They put the money in an envelope and post it back to
Ethel.

One week later...another letter turns up addressed to
God.

The staff gather round eagerly as the letter is opened.



"Dear God"...the letter starts...


"I can't thank you enough.

I bought my grandson his present and his little face lit up
and we had a wonderful day...thank you...Lord.

Yours faithfully...

Ethel.


P.S.


When I opened your letter....

I noticed it was four pounds short.


I expect it was those thieving B*stards down at the post office!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 24 Sep 2010, 10:19 pm

lol! you scotts cheers

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 25 Sep 2010, 9:11 am

An old man....

was sitting on his porch one day
watching the pouring rain.

Soon the water was lapping over
the porch and into the old man's
house...

he just sat there watching it.

A rescue boat arrived and one of the
crewmen shouted....

"You can't stay there.

You'll have to come on board".


The old man shouted back....

"No... don't you worry....

God will save me".

The boat drifted off into the mist.

The rain kept on pouring down.

Soon it was lapping up the old man stairs.

Another lifeboat appeared several minutes
later and a crewman shouted....

"We're here to rescue you....

get ready to come on board".


"No...don't worry...God will save me...
shouted the old man.


The boat drifted off into the mist.

The rain was really bucketing down now.


By this time the old man was sitting on
his roof surrounded by water.

A helicopter appeared and
the pilot shouted at the old man...

" We're here to rescue you....Climb aboard".


"Dont you worry about me...God will save me".


The helicopter flew off into the mist.


The rain kept pouring down...finally the old man
was swept away and drowned.


When he arrived in heaven....

the old man tells God....


"I placed my faith in you but you did nothing to
save me!".


"What do you mean...I did nothing?"....says God.


"I sent you two boats and a bloody helicopter!".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 25 Sep 2010, 9:39 am

Given the increase in crime....

An old chap goes to a dog-breeder to buy
a guard-dog...only to be presented with a
scruffy terrier mongrel.


"What use is that?"...he asks.


"Ah'...but he's a trained killer...this one"...
promises the breeder.

"Watch...Guard-dog!...that chair!".


In a blur of little snappy teeth and yapping...

the chair is reduced to splinters.


"Amazing!"...says the man.

"Can I have a go?".


"Guard-dog!...That box!".


In seconds the box is shredded to mere fluff.


Delighted... he buys the mutt and rushes home
to show his wife.


"Look at our new Guard-dog"...he says.

"He's a trained killer!".


"What that thing?"...she sneers.....

"Guard-dog...my a*se!".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 26 Sep 2010, 8:18 am

Jim.....

Laments to his friend Larry that all the
excitement has gone out of his marriage.

"That often happens when people have been
married for ten years...like you"...said Larry.

"Have you ever considered having an affair?.

That might put a little bit of life back into your
relationship".

"NO...I couldn't possibly do that"...said Jim.

"It's Immoral".

"Get real"...said Larry.

"This is the twenty first century.

these things happen all the time".


"But what if my wife found out?".


"No problem.

Be up front.

Tell her about it in advance".


Overcoming his initial misgivings....

Jim plucked up the courage to break the news
to his wife the next morning while she was
reading a magazine over breakfast.

"Honey"...he began hesitantly....

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way....

and please remember that I'm only doing this
because I truly...truly love you...otherwise I
would never dream of it...but I think maybe...

just possibly....

having an affair might bring us closer together".


"Forget It"...said his wife....

without even looking up from her magazine.


"I've tried It several times...and It's never worked".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 26 Sep 2010, 8:59 am

A humble crab...

fell in love with a beautiful lobster princess...

but her father...the king...forbade the relationship
on the grounds that the crab was of lowly stock.

The unsuitable suitor was a crushed crustacean.

"Why does your father disapprove of me so?"...
he wailed.

The Princess replied tearfully...

"Daddy says your not a well dressed crab....

but in truth...he doesn't care much for crabs anyway.

he says they're common and...above all...they have
that silly sideways walk.

I'm so sorry...my darling...but it appears that we can
never be together".


The crab was determined to prove the King wrong and
win the claw of his fair daughter.

The perfect opportunity to prove his worth was the
forthcoming Grand Lobster Ball...an occasion that attracted
Lobsters from far and wide to feast...drink and make merry.

While the King sat on his throne...the Lobster princess sat
sombrely at his side...her heart longing for her absent lover.

Suddenly the huge double wooden doors flew open and in
walked the crab.

The music stopped and all eyes focused on him as he
painstakingly made his way up the red carpet towards the
throne...walking dead straight...one claw after another.

Nobody had ever seen a crab walk straight before.

Even the King was Impressed.

Finally after ten minutes of straight walking...

the crab stopped.... looked up at the King and said....

God....I'm drunk!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 28 Sep 2010, 12:12 pm

A young man...

In a Ferrari stops at a red light and
notices an old man on an even more
ancient old moped pull up next to him.

The old man looks over the Ferrari
and says...

"Nice car.

Mind if I take a wee peek inside?".

"No problem"...replies the owner.

So...the old man pokes his head through
the window and looks around.

Then...sitting back on his moped...
the old man says...

"That's a pretty nice car ...all right!".

Just then the light changes so the guy decides
to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it...and within a few seconds his
speedometer has reached over 150mph.

Suddenly...he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.

It seems to be getting closer!.

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly...

WHOOSH!.

Something whips by him...going much faster than he
is!.

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?"..
the young man asks himself.

Then...ahead of him... he sees a dot coming towards him.

WHOOSH!...it goes by again...heading in the opposite
direction! and it looked like the old man on the moped!.

"It can't be"...thinks the young guy.

But when he looks in his rear view mirror he sees it
approaching again at incredible speed and with another
WhOOSH... it ploughs straight into the back of his car.

The young man jumps out and sees that it is the old
man on a now badly mangled moped.

He runs round to the old fellow and says....

"Is there anything I can do for you?"...

"Yes...Please...whispers the old man.

"Could you unhook...my braces...from your side
view mirror".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 29 Sep 2010, 1:56 pm

Racked with Indigestion...

A man was told by his Doctor to drink
warm water one hour before breakfast.

However...there was no Improvement
in his condition...

Indeed...when he went back to the
Doctor...he complained that he was
actually feeling worse.

The Doctor said...

"Did you drink warm water one hour
before breakfast each day?".

"I tried"...replied the patient.

"But all I could manage was twenty minutes".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 30 Sep 2010, 8:21 am

In ancient Greece....

The great philosopher and teacher SOCRATES was revered
for his wisdom and common sense.

one day...he bumped into an acquaintance who said excitedly...

"SOCRATES...do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?".

"Wait a moment"...replied SOCRATES.

"Before telling me anything...I would like you to pass a little test.

It is called the Triple Filter Test".

"Triple Filter?".

"Yes"...continued SOCRATES.

"Before you tell me about my student...It might be advisable to
take a minute and filter what you are going to say.

The first filter is truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell
me is true?".

"Well...er...not really"...said the man.

"I just heard about It and"......

"Very well"...said SOCRATES.

"So you are not really sure whether the story is true or not.

Now let us try the second filter...the filter of goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me concerning my student something
good?".

"No...on the contrary"....

"SO"...continued SOCRATES...

"You want to tell me something bad about him...but you are not
certain that it is true.

You may still pass...however...because there is one filter remaining...

The filter of usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?".

"No...not really".

"Well...concluded SOCRATES...

"If what you want to tell me is not true...good...or even useful....

why tell it to me at all?".

And with that he walked off.

This is the main reason why SOCRATES was a great philosopher
and was held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that PLATO was humping his wife!.


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 30 Sep 2010, 8:56 am

An old couple...

Are arguing in bed one night about which one
of them has become more forgetful.

In the end...The old woman tells her husband...


"OH'...never mind.

Just go and make me a cup of tea...will you?.

You won't manage to forget that on your way
downstairs...will you?".


"OF course not"...says the old man.


"And don't forget to put in some sugar this time"...
says his wife.


"Will you stop going on at me!...

I'm sure I didn't forget to put the sugar in last time".


"Yes ...you did!...and you forgot to put in some milk".


"Will you just shut up!"...says the old man.

"There's nothing wrong with my memory.

now just let me go and get your tea".


He plods off down the stairs...but a few minutes later
he's back again.


"I told you"...says his wife...very slowly and sternly...

"I want a cup of tea with milk and one sugar".


"yes...I know that"...says the old man...

"But could you remind me again...

how do I get to the kitchen?".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 01 Oct 2010, 12:53 pm

An old Jewish man.....

Is making a long distance call in the U.S.A.
when all of a sudden he gets cut off.

He shouts down the phone....


"Operator...Giff me beck da party!".


She says..."I'm sorry ...sir...you'll have to
make the call all over again".


he says..."What do you vant from my life?..

Giff me beck da party".


"I'm sorry...sir"...says the operator.....

"You'll have to place the call again".


"Operator...ya know vat?"....
says the old man.

"You can take da telephone and shove it in
you- know-vere!".


And with that he hangs up.


Two days later he opens the door and there are
two big...strapping men standing in his way telling
him...

"We came to take your telephone away".


"Vy?"...asks the old man.


"Because"...they say....

"Two days ago you Insulted operator number 28.

but if you'd like to call up and apologize....

we'll leave the telephone here".


"Vait a minute"...says the old man....

"Vat's Da rush?...Vat's Da hurry?".


He goes to the telephone and dials.


"Hello?...get me operator 28.

Hello operator 28?....remember me?..
Two days ago I Insulted you?...
I told you to take Da telephone and shove it in
you know Vere?".


"Yes?"...says the operator.


"Vell"...he says....

"Get ready....they're bringin' it to ya now!"


Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 02 Oct 2010, 7:39 am

A man was walking...

through Chinatown when he saw a sign which read...

"HANS SCHMIDT'S CHINESE LAUNDRY".

Being the curious type...

he went into the shop and was greeted by an elderly
oriental man who introduced himself as Hans Schmidt.


"How come you have a name like that?"...inquired the stranger.

you don't look very German!".


"Is simple"...said the oriental shop owner.


"Many many year ago when I come this country... I stand
in Immigration line.... behind big German guy.

Immigration lady look at him and go....

"What your name?".

He say...

"Hans Schmidt".

Then she look at me and go....

"What's your name?".

I say ...

"SAM TING".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 02 Oct 2010, 8:22 am

Fresh from her shower...

a woman stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband
that her breasts were too small.

Instead of telling her it's not so....

he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow.....

every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your
breasts for a few minutes".

Willing to try anything....

the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of
the mirror....rubbing it between her breasts.


"How long will this take?".... she asks.


"They'll grow larger over a period of years".... he replied.



"Are you sure that rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make them grow?".


" Well"...he replied...."It Worked on your Ass.... didn't it?".


He survived....

And with a great deal of therapy...

may even walk again.

What a Face


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 04 Oct 2010, 7:25 am

A jealous husband....

hires a private detective to check up on his wife.

The husband tells the detective....

That he wants both a written account and as many videos of her
in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.

Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has
all the evidence he needs.

They make an appointment for a meeting.

The two of them are sitting watching the videos.

The man sees his wife meeting another man...

then the two of them are walking in the park laughing.



Another shows her with a different man laughing and dancing.

All together... he watches about a dozen or so different activities....

each with a different man...and each time both she and the man are
sharing obvious utter glee.

" Amazing".... said the shocked husband.... "simply amazing!.....

I just can't believe it".

"What's not to believe ?".... asked the detective.

"It's all right there for you to see.... plus I have all the times and dates in
my log".

"I know... I know!"... said the man... still in shock.

"I just can't believe my wife could be that much fun!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 07 Oct 2010, 8:01 pm

A little girl....

was given a tea set for her third birthday.

It became one of her favourite toys.


When her mother had to leave for a few weeks
to care for her sick aunt...

the toddler liked to think she was looking after
her dad and just loved to take a cup of tea to
him.

(which was just water really).

Engrossed watching the news or sport on TV....

and sipping each cup of tea he was brought
he lavished generous praise on the wonderful
taste...leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home...

and the father couldn't wait to show her how his
little princess had been looking after him.

Right on cue...the little girl brought him his cup of
tea...and he sipped it before praising it to the
heavens.

The Mother watched him drink it...then said to him.

"Didn't it ever occur to you that the only place your
little princess can reach to get water is the toilet!?".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 08 Oct 2010, 10:25 am

One fine sunny day....

A wee boy...Johnny...

and his little female friend...Suzie...

were playing naked in a sandbox.


As they studied each other's bodies...

they became increasingly curious as to
why they had different bits.

So...when Johnny went indoors...he asked
his mother...

"Why doesn't Suzie have a stick...like what I have?".

Choosing a metaphor...his mother replied...

"Suzie has a garage...and you have a Ferrari.

Men park their cars in the garage when they
are ready".

"Oh" ...said Johnny.

Meanwhile...Suzie was upstairs asking her father
the same question.

"Why does Johnny have a stick between his legs..

but I don't?".

Her father replied...

"He has a Ferrari...and you have a garage.

You must never let him park his Ferrari in your
garage".

"Okay"...she said.

The next day...Johnny and Suzie were playing again
in the sandbox.

Johnny suddenly said....

"Please Suzie...let me park my Ferrari".

"NO WAY!"...said Suzie

"BUT I WANT TO!"....cried Johnny.

A couple of minutes later...Suzie ran indoors.

Her mother asked...

"Suzie...why is there blood on your hands?".

Suzie said...

"Johnny tried to park his Ferrari...

so I pulled the back wheels off!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 08 Oct 2010, 5:53 pm

A father watched....

As his young daughter played in
the garden.

Smiling...he reflected on how pure and sweet
the little girl was.

Tears started to form as he thought about her
seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent
eyes.

Suddenly...she stopped and just stared intently at
something on the ground.

So...he walked over to see what work of God had
captured her attention so fully.

He found that she was watching two crane flies
mating.

"Daddy"...she inquired.

"What are those two insects doing?".

"Why...there mating".

"What do you call the insect on top?"...she asked.

"That's called a Daddy Long Legs".

"So... the other one is a Mummy Long Legs?".....
suggested the little girl.

His heart soaring with joy at such a cute and
innocent question...the father replied...

"NO...darling.

both of them are Daddy Long Legs".


Looking puzzled...the little girl thought for a moment...

then lifted her foot and stamped the two insects flat...

saying firmly....

"We're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 08 Oct 2010, 6:53 pm

A young heavily pregnant woman....

took a taxi to hospital and asked to be given help...
as she was about to have her first child.

A nurse escorted her to the maternity ward and on
the way asked....

"Is the father with you at all?".


The young woman replied...

"Actually...I don't know who the father is".


"I'm very sorry"...said the nurse.

"It's none of my business...It's just that it usually
helps to have close family around at times like this.

Anyway...let's get you a bed and bring your baby into
the world".

Two hours later...a baby boy was born....much to the
young mother's relief.

but then she noticed that the nurse looked a little concerned.


"What's the matter?"...she cried.

"Is my baby okay?".

Holding the baby just out of the mother's view...
the nurse said....

"I'm just going to have to take the baby into the next room
for some tests....but It's nothing to be worried about.

You just relax...I'll be back in a few minutes".


Twenty minutes later...the nurse returned without the baby.

"You've given birth to a perfectly healthy baby".

"But there are one or two questions I'd like to ask...

particularly concerning the conception.

For example...your baby is black!".


Looking slightly embarrassed...the mother said...

"Let me explain.

At the time...I was going through a rough period in my life.

I'd lost my job...I couldn't afford the rent on my apartment...

and so... I'm ashamed to say I took part in a pornographic film...

just for the money...and my co-star was a black man".


"I can understand that"....said the nurse sympathetically.

"But It also appears that your baby has the facial features of
an Asian person".


Blushing visibly...the girl admitted...

"Well...there was another man in the film of Asian ethnicity who
starred with me".

The nurse nodded...but continued...

"And it also seems that your baby has the most startling ginger
hair that we have ever seen in a newborn child".

"I'm not altogether surprised"...said the girl...shamefaced.

"Another co-star of mine in the film was a red haired gentleman".

After a pause...she said.

"May I see my baby now?".

The nurse went out of the room and returned a few minutes later

with the Black...Asian...Ginger haired baby.

She handed the baby to the young mother...who immediately
turned it upside down and smacked it firmly on the bottom.

The baby let out a cry...and the mother held it back in her arms.


Shocked...the nurse demanded...

"What did you do that for?".

The girl replied...

"SORRY...but I had to check if it barked too!".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 Oct 2010, 8:09 am

A bus driver....


Is driving along the road one day when
he notices in his rear view mirror that
his passengers are all in an uproar.

SO...stopping the bus...he goes to
Investigate.

He discovers an elderly man crawling
up and down...in and out... between all
the other passengers legs...looking for
something on the floor.

"What on earth do you think you are
doing?"...asks the bus driver.

"You're being a nuisance to all the other
passengers on the bus".

"I can't help that"...says the old man...

"I'm looking for my chewing gum".

"What do you mean...your looking for
your chewing gum?"...says the driver.

"You're making this amount of fuss over
some old chewing gum that's been on the
floor of the bus...

which you wouldn't be able to use again anyway".

"That doesn't matter"...says the old man....

"But I've still got to find my chewing gum".


"Well... what the hell's so special about this
chewing gum?".


The old man replies....


"My teeth are still in it".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 Oct 2010, 8:25 am

When she hears...

That her elderly grandfather has passed
away...a young woman rushes to her
grandmother to offer comfort.

When she asks how her grandfather died..

her grandmother tells her he had a heart
attack while they were making love on
Sunday morning.

The young woman is shocked and says
that two people aged seventy five should
have realized the dangers of carrying on
in such a way.

"OH'..NO!"...says granny.

"Despite our advanced age...we've managed
perfectly well for years.

We always used to take care by making love
in time to the slow chime of the bells in the
village church".

She paused and wiped away a tear before
continuing....

"And if it hadn't been for that Ice-cream van
going past...

your grandfather would still be alive today!".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 12 Oct 2010, 2:16 pm

A noted television documentary maker.....

spent six years travelling all over the world filming a
programme about native dances.

His last port of call was ALICE SPRINGS...AUSTRALIA...

where...certain that he had now captured on film every
single native dance of every indigenous culture in the
world...he relaxed in a bar with a well earned beer.

He began chatting to one of the local Aborigines and
told him all about the project.


The Aborigine asked him what he thought of the
Butcher Dance.


The documentary maker paled visibly.


"Butcher Dance?......What's that?".


"WHAT?"...said the Aborigine.

"You no see Butcher Dance?".


"NO...I've never heard of it".

"Oooh mate...you crazy.

How you say you film every native dance in the world
if you no see Butcher Dance?".


"Well...er...I got a corroboree on film just the other
week...is that what you mean?".


"NOoo..NOoo...not corroboree.

Butcher Dance much more important than corroboree".


"Oh...well...how can I see this Butcher Dance then?".


"Ooo...mate...Butcher Dance right out there in bush.

many days travel to go see Butcher Dance".


"Listen...I've been everywhere from the forests of the
Amazon to deepest...darkest Africa and the frozen wastes
of the Arctic filming hundreds of dances.

nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance".



"Okay...mate.

you drive north along highway towards Darwin.

After you drive 214 miles...you see dirt track off to left.

Follow dirt track for 187 miles till you see big dead gum tree...

biggest tree you ever see.

Here you gotta leave car...because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun.

You walk three days till you hit creek.

You follow this creek north west.

After two days you find where creek flows out of mountains.

Much too difficult to cross mountains here though.

You head south for half a day till you see pass through
mountains.

Pass very difficult...very dangerous.

Take two...maybe three days...to get through rocky pass.

When through...head north west for four days till reach big
rock...thirty feet high...and shaped like man's head.

From rock...walk due west for a day and you find village.

Here you see Butcher Dance".


So...the film maker collected his camera crew and equipment
and set off into the wilderness.

Despite the scorching heat...the dust and the ever present
flies...he kept his spirits up by thinking about the prospect of
capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never
heard mention of before.

True to the directions he had been given...he located the dirt
track...the tree...the creek and the mountain pass...

which was every bit as treacherous as his guide had predicted.

It was a back breaking effort to get all the camera equipment
through...and the team were near exhaustion by the time they
reached the big rock.

Having come this far...however...nothing was going to prevent
him from realizing his life's dream.

By now...water was running low and their feet were covered in
blisters ...but bravely...they set off on the last leg of their journey.

A day and a half later...their minds and bodies shattered by the
merciless sun...they finally staggered into the village.

Struggling for breath...the film maker went up to the village chief
and said....

"We have come to film your Butcher Dance".


"Oooh..mate"...said the chief.

"Very bad you come today.

Butcher Dance last night....You too late...you miss dance".


"Well...when do you do the next dance?".


"Not till next year".


"But I've travelled hundreds of miles to see the Butcher Dance.

couldn't you just do an extra dance for me tonight?".


"NO WAY!...Butcher Dance very holy.

Tradition say only once a year.

If do more...gods get very angry...destroy village.

You want see Butcher Dance...you come back next year".


The documentary film maker was devastated...but realized that
he had no option but to return to civilization and come back in a
years time.

The following year...he headed back to Australia and...determined
not to miss out again...set off from Alice Springs a week earlier
than before.

But right from the start things went wrong.

Heavy rains that year had turned the dirt track into mud and the
jeep became bogged down every few miles...finally forcing them
to abandon the vehicle and slog through the mud on foot.

Then...halfway through the mountain pass...they were hit by a huge
storm which raged for several days ...they had to take refuge in a cave.

To make matters worse...when the storm finally subsided...the sound
man sprained his ankle...reducing their progress to a crawl.

By the time they reached the village...they had lost all sense of time.


The documentary film maker staggered over to the village chief
and gasped....

"Please don't tell me I'm too late for the Butcher Dance".

The chief recognized him and said...


"NOoo...mate...Butcher Dance tonight...you come just in time".


Hugely relieved...the crew spent the rest of the day freshening up
and then setting up their equipment...preparing to capture this
hitherto unseen ritual on film.

As dusk fell...the natives covered their bodies in white paint and
adorned themselves in all manner of bird feathers and animal
skins.

Once darkness had settled fully over the land...the natives
formed a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike
as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering
his whole body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?"...asked the film maker...figuring that the guy was
some sort of witch doctor.


"HUSH!"...whispered the chief.

"You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals.

must remain silent.

Holy man...he ask that the spirit of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate
our devotion to them through our dance and...if they like our dancing...

will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year".


The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before
he finally exited the circle.

from somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across
the village and the natives began to sway to the stirring sounds.


The film maker was becoming caught up in the excitement.

this was his moment.

he knew in his heart that the travelling...the hardships and the wait
had not been in vain.

He... was about to become the first outsider to witness the Butcher
Dance...the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever
conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and....in a loud booming
voice...started to sing.....


"You Butch yer left leg in....yer left leg out....in... out...in...out....
shake it all about".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 Oct 2010, 5:01 pm

Tramping through the heather....

in the remotest part of the highlands.

A young Englishman found himself with

time to kill before the final leg of his walking
holiday.

With over two hours to wait until a bus was

due to arrive to take him back to civilization..

he decided to make his way to a quaint little

Inn he could just make out in the misty top
of the glen.

As he walked in...every head in the place
turned to stare out the stranger.

He sauntered over to the bar and asked the
barman if he could have a beer and something
to eat.

The silence was deafening for several minutes
until finally the barman said....

"I hope you're not a pervert...because perverts
aren't welcome in this Inn".

"NO"...said the young man.

"I can assure you I'm not.

I'm just waiting for my bus".

So...he ordered a beer and a burger...and after
his meal...needed to use the toilet....

particularly with the prospect of a seven hour bus
ride ahead of him.

He asked the barman where the toilet was.

"The lavies out the back"...growled the barman...

"And don't you make a mess!".

On venturing round the back of the Inn...

The young man was horrified to see that the toilets
were nothing more two pits piled high with festering
poop.

One pile was six feet high...the other four feet high.

Bracing himself...he climbed to the top of the smaller
pile and did his business.

As he climbed down...the barman appeared from out
of the mist...and grabbed the young man round the throat.


"I knew It...I knew you were a pervert!"...he snarled.

"You were in the ladies!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:20 am

A farmer was sitting in his local bar getting really drunk.

His old pal was passing and spotted him... went in and asked....


"Hey.... why are you sitting in here on a beautiful day like this?".


The farmer shook his head and replied.... "You know....Some things you just can't explain".


"So then.... what happened that seems so terrible?".... his pal asked.... as he sat down next to him.


"Well".... "today I was sitting by my cow... milking her....and Just as I got the bucket full...

she lifted her left leg and kicked it over".


"Okay"... said his old pal... "but that's not so bad".


" But some things you just can't explain".... the farmer moaned.


"So.... what happened then?".


The farmer replied.... "I took her left leg and tied it to a wooden post".



"And then?".



"Well.... I sat back down and continued to milk her.

Just as I got the bucket full again.... she kicked it over with her right leg".



The farmers old pal laughed... and said....

" Not Again?".



The farmer groaned....

"Some things you just can't explain".


"So.... what did you do then?"...his pal enquired.


"I took her right leg this time... and tied it to a wooden post on her right."



"And?".


"Well....as I sat back down and began milking her again.....

the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail".



"Hmmm"..... his pal said.... nodding his head.



"Yes... but some things you just can't explain".... the farmer whinged .


"So.... what did you do?".... the old pal asked.


"Well"..... the farmer said....

"I didn't have anymore rope.

so.... I took off my belt and tied her tail to one of the rafters.

The next thing I knew.... my pants dropped down to my knees....

and my wife walked in ...

Some things you just can't explain".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 15 Oct 2010, 11:53 am

A Gynecologist......

had a burning desire to change careers....

and become a mechanic.

So... she found out from her local tech college what was involved.

She signed up for evening classes and attended diligently....

learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached....

she prepared carefully.....

and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When her results came back... she was surprised to find that she had
obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error... she called on the instructor.

"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result"......
she said.

" But I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting".


The instructor replied....

"During the exam.... you took the engine apart perfectly.

which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly.

which is also worth 50% of the mark.

I gave you an extra 50% because......

you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 20 Oct 2010, 6:25 pm

Sammy....

is doing a spot of gardening.

Meanwhile.....

his wife is upstairs and about to take a shower.

Sammy...searches...but can't find the rake anywhere.

So... He yells up to his wife....

"Where's the rake...you were the last one to use it?".

She can't hear him so shouts back....

"What?".

Sammy points to his eye... then points to his knee....

and finally makes a raking motion.


His wife is not sure what he means... and shouts....

"What?".

Sammy repeats the gestures.....

"EYE... KNEE ... THE RAKE".


his wife replies that she understands with a thumbs up....

Then... signalling back....


she points to her eye... next she points to her left breast...

then to her bottom... and finally her crotch.


Well... there is no way in heaven that Sammy can come close
to understanding that one.


Exasperated.... he goes upstairs and asks....

"What the heck was that?".

She replied....


"EYE .. LEFT TIT .. BEHIND .. THE BUSH!".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 21 Oct 2010, 12:09 pm

Night after night.....

A keen ornithologist stood in his backyard

hooting like an owl.


After weeks of getting no reply....

he suddenly heard an owl in the distance...

hoot back at him.


He was overjoyed at the response and for

the next nine months man and bird kept up

a regular dialogue of hooting.


He was fascinated by his ability to relate to

a wild creature and kept a detailed record

of all their conversations.


Just when he was about to take his findings

to the Natural History Society.....

his wife happened to be talking to a neighbour

who lived several doors away.


"My husband spends his nights calling to owls"...

she confided.


"That's funny"...said the neighbour.

"So does mine!".

geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 21 Oct 2010, 12:43 pm

A man and a woman....

Were discussing the worst pain that anyone could
possibly experience.


The woman said...

"Without doubt...there is nothing more painful in
life than childbirth".


"Nonsense"...said the man.

"A kick in the Billhooks is much more painful.

Ask any guy".


"You're so wrong"...maintained the woman.

"Childbirth is far more painful".


The man was not about to yield to her argument
and announced...

"I have proof that I am right".


"What proof?"...she asked scornfully.


"Because"...he continued...

"A few years after giving birth...a woman will say
to her partner....

Do you want to try for another baby?".


"But I never...ever...ever heard a man say...

even years later.


You know what I'd really like?...


Another kick in the Billhooks!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 22 Oct 2010, 8:06 am

A young man....

Walked into a chemist shop to buy condoms.


The girl behind the counter persuaded him to
take up the special offer of some multi coloured
ones...at half price.


Six months later...the same young man returned
to the chemist shop to buy a maternity bra.


"What bust?"...asked the young girl assistant.


The young man replied....

"I think It was the blue one!".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 22 Oct 2010, 8:31 am

A woman .....

went into a tattoo parlour and asked the artist
to tattoo a picture of Johnny Depp on her right
upper thigh...and Brad Pitt on her left upper
thigh.

The artist did so...and when he had finished
he handed her a mirror so she could inspect
the work.

She looked at the right thigh and said....

"Wow!...that's definitely Johnny Depp.

Just look at those eyes".

Then she examined her left thigh...but
complained.....

"That doesn't look anything like Brad Pitt".

The artist disagreed and suggested they
settle the argument by seeking the opinion
of an impartial judge.

So...they went to the bar next door and asked
an elderly man if he could identify the tattoos.

The woman raised her skirt .... dropped her
panties...and the old man put his face up close
peering at the tattoos.

"Well....Miss"...he concluded.

"The one on your right thigh is definitely Johnny
Depp.

You can tell by the eyes and the cheek bones.

The one on your left thigh...I'm not sure about....

But the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 22 Oct 2010, 9:19 am

lol!

My wife likes Johnny Depp - I'll have to tell her that one.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 25 Oct 2010, 10:09 am

Phil.....

Arrived home from the pub late one
friday evening...drunk as usual.

He crept into bed beside his wife...
who was already asleep.

He kissed her gently on the cheek
and fell asleep.


When he awoke...he found a strange man
standing at the end of his bed.


"Who the hell are you?"...asked Phil...

"And what are you doing in my bedroom?".


The mysterious man answered...

"I am ST. PETER...and this is not your
bedroom".


Phil was stunned.

"You mean I'm dead...I can't be....

I have so much to live for...

And I haven't said goodbye to my family.

You have to send me back straight away".


ST. PETER replied...


"YES...you can be reincarnated...but there
is a condition.

We can only send you back as a dog or a
hen".


Phil was devastated...

but knowing there was a farm not far from
his house....

he asked to be sent back as a hen.


A flash of light later...he found himself
covered in feathers...and clucking around
pecking the ground.

"This isn't so bad"...he thought...until he
experienced a strange feeling welling up
inside him.


The farmyard rooster strolled over and said..

"So...you're the new hen.

how are you enjoying your first day here?".


"It's okay"...said phil...

"But I have this strange feeling inside like
I'm about to explode".


"You're ovulating"...explained the rooster.

"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg
before!".


"Never"....replied Phil.


"Well... just relax"...advised the rooster.

"And let it all happen".


So he did...and after a few uncomfortable
seconds...an egg popped out from under
Phil's tail.

An immense sense of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he
experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he then laid his second egg...

The feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen
was the best thing that had ever happened to
him.

The joy kept coming... but just as he was about
to lay his third egg....

he felt an enormous smack on the back of his
head and heard his wife shouting....

"Phil...wake up...you drunken sod...

you've just soiled the bed!".



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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 26 Oct 2010, 7:01 pm

Why are most serial killers men?.

Because women like to kill one man
slowly over many....many years!.



A gunman burst into a convenience store
and yelled at the assistant....

"Hand over the money or you're Geography!".

The assistant said....

"Don't you mean History?".

The Robber shouted...

"Don't change the subject".




Charlie wanted his eighty three year old
wife dead...so...asked a hitman how he would
do it.

"I would shoot off her left nipple"....
said the hitman.

Charlie threw up his hands in horror...
exclaiming.

"I want her dead....not kneecapped!".



A burglar broke into Brian Adam's house...

but while making his getaway...he bumped
into the singer in the street outside.

"Hey Brian"...said the burglar.

"I've got all your records!".



A man was hiking up a well known mountain....

when he spotted a woman standing at the edge
of a cliff...sobbing her heart out.

What's the matter"...he shouted over.

"I'm going to kill myself"....she moaned.

"Well...for goodness sake"....he said.

"If you're going to jump...how about giving me
a blow job before you do it?".

"I suppose I might as well"...wailed the woman.

"My life's been nothing but misery".

After they had finished...the man said....

"WOW...that was great!...why are you so depressed
anyway?".

She replied....

"My family have disowned me for dressing like a woman".



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