An American tourist travelling through County Clare...Ireland...

came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky
enough to pick up... for a mere 200 Irish punts the skull
of Brian Boru (940 to 1014).

below the skull was a card which read that Boru had managed
the rare feat of uniting Ireland.

A turning point in a war with the Vikings.

Boru had defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat.

Not only was Boru successful in battle...

but he also had at least four wives and founded the O' Brien clan.


Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity....
signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man
from Clare... who owned the antique shop... if he had any more bargains.

"I've got the very thing for you"... said the shopkeeper.....

"It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru".

Why you low down snake in the grass!...you ain't nothin but a cheat!"....
exploded the American.

"You sold me this fifteen years ago"... and producing the skull added loudly...

"Look... they ain't even the same size".


''Begorrah!... would you be having the wrong end of it"....
replied the seller.

"To be sure now...

this is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad!".

The Minister explained to his congregation that the church was in need
of some extra money towards the new roof fund.

So he asked them to consider being a bit more generous.

He added that whoever gave the most would be able to pick any three
hymns of their choice.

After the offering plates were passed about the church...

the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered
a twenty pound note.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation
and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in
the plate.

A very quiet...elderly looking lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand.

The minister asked her to come to the front.

So she slowly made her way towards him.

The minister told her how wonderful it was that she had given so much...

and as promised he asked her to pick out any three hymns of her choice.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation.

She pointed to the three best looking men in the church and said....

"I'll have him.. and him... and him".

............................. My perfect Woman.


Would... Have my dinner ready... Plan ahead... even the night before...
to have a delicious meal ... on time.

This would be a way of letting me know that she had been thinking
about me.... and was concerned about my needs.

I am usually hungry when I come home and the prospects of a good
meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

She would Prepare herself... Take 15 minutes to rest so she would be
refreshed when I arrive home.

Touch up her make-up... put a ribbon in her hair and be fresh looking.

She should be happy... and a little more interesting....
my boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter.... Make one last trip through the main
part of the house just before I arrive....
gathering up school books.. toys.. paper... Then run a dust cloth over
everything not nailed down. I want to feel I have reached a haven of
rest and order... and it would give her a lift too.

Minimize the noise.... At the time of my arrival.... eliminate all
noise of washer dryer... dishwasher...and vacuum.

Try to be quiet..... Be happy to see me. Greet me with
a warm smile.

Don't greet me me problems or complain if I'm late for dinner.

Count this as minor compared to what I might have gone through that day.

Make me comfortable... Have me lean back in a comfortable chair
or suggest I lie down in the bedroom.

Have a cool or warm drink ready for me.... Arrange my pillow and offer to take
off my shoes.... Speak in a low... soft... soothing... and pleasant voice.
Allowing me to relax and unwind.

She may have a dozen things to tell me... but the moment of my arrival is not
the time.... Let me talk first.

Make the evening mine... Never complain if I never take her out to dinner or to
other places of entertainment.... instead try to understand my world of strain and
pressure.

The Goal is.... try to make my home a place of peace and order where I can relax.



............. Now the updated version of my perfect woman.

Have dinner ready... Make reservations ahead of time.

If your day becomes too hectic just leave me a voice mail message....
regarding when I have to eat and at what time.

This lets me know that your day has been crappy and gives me an opportunity to change
my mood.

Preparation... A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders
for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time I open my mouth.
(Don't forget to use my credit card!).

Clear away the clutter... Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items
left on the floor by me can be placed in the rubbish box in the garage.


Minimize the noise.... If you happen to be home when I arrive .... be in the bathroom with
the door locked.

Don't greet me with problems and complaints.

Let me speak first.... and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in my
mind throughout dinner.

Don't complain if I'm late for dinner.... simply remind me that the leftovers are in the refrigerator
and you left the dishes for me to do.

Make me comfortable... Tell me where I can find a blanket if I'm cold..This will really show you care.

Listen to me... But don't ever let me get the last word.

Make the evening mine.... Never complain if I do not take you out to dinner or to other places of
entertainment.... go with a friend or go shopping (use my credit card).

The Goal.... Try to keep things amicable without reminding me
that I only think the world revolves around me.

Obviously.... I'm wrong..... it revolves around you.

Sammy is ninety four and lives in an old folks home.

Every night after dinner... Sammy goes to a secluded part of the garden
behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening Susan... aged ninety three.... wanders into the garden.

They both begin to chat..and before they know it...several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation... Sammy turns to Susan and asks....

"Do you know what I miss most of all?".

"What?".... She asks.

"SEX!!"... he replies.

Susan exclaims.... "Why you old fart... you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!".

"I know".... Sammy says.

"but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while".

"Well... I can oblige"... says Susan... who then unzips his trousers...

removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterwards... they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they could sit and
talk and Susan would hold sammy's manhood.

Then... one night... Sammy didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed... Susan decides to find Sammy and make sure he is OK.

She walks around the old folks home.

Eventually she finds him sitting by the pool with another female resident...... Agnes....

who is holding Sammy's manhood!.

Furious.... Susan yelled..... "You two-timing creep!.... What does Agnes have that I don't?".

Sammy smiles happily and replies.....

"Parkinson's".

In a tiny village not far from the Irish coastal town of Blowmedown.... lived an old lady.

A virgin as it happened and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching... and desiring to make sure
everything was in proper order when she died... she went to the town's undertaker..

(who also happened to be the local postal service clerk)..

to make proper ..final arrangements.

As a last wish.. she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription
engraved on her tombstone...

"BORN A VIRGIN.. LIVED AS A VIRGIN.. DIED A VIRGIN".

Not long after... the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral... as the undertaker \ postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone
that the lady had requested...

it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the
wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request....

Agonizing over the dilemma for days.

But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the
appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved... and it read.....

"RETURNED UNOPENED!".

Once upon a time....

There was an elderly couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in the marriage was the husband's habit of breaking wind very loudly
every morning when he woke.

The noise would wake his wife... and the smell would make her eyes water...

and she would gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop blowing them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't help it... and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor because she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!.

Then one morning she was preparing a turkey for dinner.

looking at the bowl where she had put the neck... gizzard... liver... and all the other spare parts....

a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where as usual... her husband was sound asleep.

gently... pulling back the bed covers... she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and
emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband... with his usual trumpeting.... which was followed by a blood
curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

His wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing.... tears in her eyes!.

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later her husband came downstairs in bloodstained underpants with a look of horror
on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.


"Honey, you were right".

"All these years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?"..... asked his wife.

"Well.... you always told me that one day I would end up blowing my guts out... and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God... some Vaseline.... and two fingers.... I think I got most of em' back in".

At the crowded bus stop....

a beautiful young woman was waiting for a bus.

She was dressed in a tight leather skirt with matching tight leather boots
and jacket.

A bus rolled up and it came her turn to get on.

She became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to
the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed.... with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind
and unzipped her skirt a little.

thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to get on..... only to discover she still couldn't!.

A little more embarrassed.... she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt
and for a second time could not get her leg up because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile directed at the driver she again unzipped the
offending skirt a little more.... and again was unable to make
the step.

The big Texan behind her..... picked her up easily from the waist and placed her
lightly on the step of the bus.

Well..... she went ballistic and turned on our would-be hero..... screaming at
him......

"How dare you touch my body!...... I don't even know who you are!".


"Well ma'am normally I would agree with you"....said the Texan


"But after you unzipped my fly three times.....

I kinda figured we was friends".

A new student named Suzuki.....the son of a Japanese businessman....
starts his first day in fourth grade class.

The teacher said...hi everyone....

"Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said.....

"Give me Liberty.... or give me Death?".

She saw a sea of blank faces.... except for Suzuki....

"Patrick Henry.... 1775"..... said Suzuki.

"Very good!..... Now class...who said.....

"Government of the people... by the people.... for the people...
shall not perish from the earth?".

Again... no response except from Suzuki.

"Abraham Lincoln.... 1863"..... said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class....

"Class.... you should be ashamed.

Suzuki....who is new to our country.... knows more about its history
than you do".


The teacher heard a loud whisper from somewhere in class...

"Screw the Japs".


"Who said that?".... she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up.

"Lee Iacocca... 1982".

At that point... another student somewhere in the back said.....

"I'm gonna puke".

The teacher glared at the class and asked....

"All right! Now.... who said that?".... Again.... Suzuki says....

"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister.... 1991".

Now furious... another student yells.....

"Oh yeah?.... Suck this!".

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher...

"Bill Clinton.... to Monica Lewinsky... 1997!".

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a man on the ground below.

He descended a bit more and shouted....

"Excuse me.... can you help me?.

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago....

but I don't know where I am".

"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet
above the ground.

You are between forty and forty one degrees north latitude and between
fifty nine and sixty degrees west longitude".....
replied the man below.

"You must be an engineer".... said the balloonist.

"That's right"....replied the man on the ground.... "How did you know?".

"Well"....answered the balloonist.

"Everything you've told me is technically correct.... but I have no idea what
to make of your information.... and the fact is I am still lost.

Frankly.... you've not been much help so far".


"You must be in Management".... responded the man below.

"I sure am...."replied the balloonist.... "but how did you know?".

"Well," said the man on the ground.

"you don't know where you are or where you are going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep....

and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before

we met.... but now....somehow.... it's my fault".

One day....

a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage

and found that during his absence his name had been

removed from the town register.

He sent his wife to the town hall to make a complaint to
the mayor.


'I'm sorry".... said the mayor....

'I must have taken Leif off my census".

wow john

have you realised how many views your joke section gets.......... 6866 thereabouts

I can't understand why there's not thousands more...

perhaps if I added my photograph...

they would log on in the millions...

just to see my face ...

that would really have them rolling about
in stitches...

not sure about the females and the kiddies though

could be rather disturbing especially if they
sleep alone at night

George Papadopalous was a very...

very rich and successful internationally known Greek ship owner.

One day... as Barbara Walters was interviewing him about his life
and times the following conversation occurred.

This I might add... is taking place as they wander over his beautiful estate

located somewhere in Greece.

"You see Barbara"..... he informs her.....

"This is where it all began.

This is the very soil upon which I was born....

and where I grew up.

" Over there".... said George...pointing towards a tiny hut... is where I was born.

where my father was born... and his father....... blah.... blah...so on and so forth.


"Yes.... these hills are where I grew up.... Why.... just over there....

you see that little hill....with the gnarled old fig tree?"


"Oh... yes"... exclaims Barbara......

"How pretty... How idylic".



"Well"... says Papadopalous ...

"Just under that fig tree is where I had my first sexual experience....

And you see that bush on the other side of the little hill over to the left?.

That is where her mother stood and watched!".


This.... of course brings a flush of red to Barbara's cheeks....

but she pushes bravely on.


"Oh"..... says Barbara.... "And what did her mother say?".



"Baaaaaa"

A Lorry driver....

was driving through the countryside when his truck broke down.

He gets out...lifts the bonnet...and is looking inside at the engine when

He hears a voice say.... "hey".

When he looks up... he sees two horses.... a white and a brown one.

The white one said.... "it sounds like your fan belt's broken".

So the driver looks and sure enough... it is broken!.

"My owner has a fan belt in the barn"....said the white horse.

So the driver goes and retrieves it.... fixes his truck.....

and drives down the road to the nearest bar.

He enters.... still freaked out from how intelligent the horses were.

he goes up to the barman and says....

"you'll never believe this.... but two horses just talked to me and told me
how to fix my lorry".

The barman asks.... "which one told you.... the white or brown one?".

"The white one".... the driver replied.

"That's lucky"....says the barman....

"cause the brown one don’t know sh*t about engines".

There is a yearly check-up for breast cancer.....

on all the girls living on campus.....

at one of the most prestigious universities around.


The doctor calls the first girl into the check- up room.....

and tells her to remove her top.


When she does....

there is this huge imprint of an H right smack in the middle of her chest.


Horrified.... the doctor asks the girl to tell her how she aquired it.


"Well.... honestly.... I’m a bit embarrassed about it"..... says the girl.


"You see.... my boyfriend plays football for the University of Harvard....

and he likes to wear his jersey when we’re having sex".


The doctor checks the girl for breast cancer... and sends her on her way.


When the next girl comes in.... she takes off her top.....

and there is an impression of a huge O on her chest.


Stunned.... the doctor asks the girl what happened.


"Well... you see".... says the girl sheepishly...


"my boyfriend plays rugby for the University of Ohio....

and he likes to wear his jersey when we’re having sex".


"Oh... I see"... says the doctor.


A third girl comes in.... removes her top....

and there is a huge impression of an M on her chest.


"Oh... I know this".... says the lady doctor smugly.


"Your boyfriend plays for the University of Michigan....right?".



"No... he doesn’t".... replied the girl.


"But he does play for the university of Wisconsin".