| | THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION |  |
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skinman {kan}
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 Number of posts: 2868
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Registration date: 2008-05-04
|  Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Thu 24 Jun 2010, 2:34 pm | |
| A young couple..... were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bath saying to himself..... "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got reallysmelly feet...and that my socks absolutely stink?. I've managed to keep it from her while we weredating...but she's bound to find out sooner orlater that my feet stink...how do I tell her?". Meanwhile..... the wife was sitting in bed saying to herself..... "Now how do I tell my husband that I've gotreally bad breath?....I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting...but as soon as he's lived with me for a week.... he's bound to find out....how do I break it to himgently?". The husband finally plucks up enough courage totell his wife...so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed.... climbs over to his wife..... puts his arm around her neck.... moves his face very close to hers and says.... "Darling...I have a confession to make". And she says.... "So have I.... my love". To which he replies.... "Don't tell me.... you've eaten my socks".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Fri 25 Jun 2010, 11:34 am | |
| Two men..... were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other..... "I'll bet you were born in Newark...Ohio". "Why...that's right".... said the second man in surprise. "And I'll bet you were circumcised whenyou were three days old". "Right again....but how'd you----" "And I'll bet it was done by old docsteadman". "Well...yes...but how did you know?".... asked the second man in amazement. "Well....old doc always cut them at asixty degree angle".... explained the first guy.... "And you're pissing on my shoe  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Fri 02 Jul 2010, 7:05 am | |
| Laura fell for the handsome new dentistlike a ton of bricks..... and pretty soon had lured him into a seriesof passionate encounters in the dental clinicafter hours. But one day he said sadly..... "LAURA...HONEY....we've got to stop seeingeach other. your husband's bound to get suspicious". "NO WAY...sweetheart...he's as dumb as apost"....she assured him. "Besides...we've been making love for sixmonths now...and he doesn't suspect a thing". "TRUE".....agreed the dentist.... "BUT YOUR DOWN TO ONE TOOTH".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Fri 02 Jul 2010, 7:12 am | |
| Two pals were sitting in a coffee shop... when suddenly the town's fire alarm wentoff. One jumped up...and headed for the door. His friend shouted.... "Hey tom....I didn't know you were a fireman!". Tom replied.... "I'm not...but my girlfriend's husband is". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 03 Jul 2010, 5:21 am | |
| The nearest customer..... was five stools away..... but that didn't keep Alan from leaning overtoward the bartender and commenting..... "Geez...there's a lousy smell in here". A few minutes he added..... "It smells just like......Poo". Puzzled by the origin of the stench..... he moved closer to the other customer..... and sure enough...the smell worsened. "Phew...you really stink"...he pointed out. "I know"...said the man apologetically. "It's because of my job". Seeing that Alan was interested in a furtherexplanation.... he went on.... "I'm with an elephant act ...and before each show I have to give the elephant an enema so he doesn't take a dump during the performance. frankly... it's a tricky business...because I have to administer it quickly and then jump back. and sometimes I just don't move fast enough". "JESUS"...commiserated Alan...shaking his head. "How much do they pay you for this lousy job?". "Eighty five pounds a week"...said the mancheerfully. "You've got to be kidding. why don't you quit?". "What?"....retorted the man..... "And give up show business".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 04 Jul 2010, 8:05 am | |
| A man was trying to understand the natureof God...and asked him..... "God...how long is a million years to you?". God answered.... "A million years is like a minute". Then the man asked..... "God ...how much is a million dollars to you?". And God replied..... "A million dollars is like a penny". Finally the man asked.... "God....could you give me a penny?". And God said..... "In a minute". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 04 Jul 2010, 8:14 am | |
| What's Dumb?.... Directions on toilet paper. What's Dumber than that?. Reading them. Even dumber still?. Reading them and learning something. Dumbest of all?. Reading them and having to correctsomething you've been doing wrong.  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 04 Jul 2010, 8:44 am | |
| A TV producer..... was pitching his idea for a holiday specialto a room full of jaded network executives. "It's gonna get fabulous ratings"...he raved. "I've gotten Speilberg to direct it". "Steven?". "No...Bernie. bright kid right out of UCLA film school.... does great work...and for the composer... I've got Sondheim all lined up". "Stephen?". "No...Maxi. she's written some great jingles.... very talented...you'll eat her work right up. And for the singer...I've got Goulet". "Robert?". "Yes". "SH*T".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sun 04 Jul 2010, 9:15 am | |
| A prominent Russian scientist.... conducted a very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving hera verbal command... ("jump!"). In the first stage of the experiment.... he removed the flea's leg.... told her to jump...and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook.... "Upon removing one leg...all flea organs function properly". So...he removed the second leg.... asked the flea to jump...she obeyed. So he wrote again.... "Upon removing the second leg... all flea organs function properly". Thereafter he removed all the legs but one... the flea jumped when ordered.... So he wrote again... "Upon removing the next leg.... all flea organs function properly". Then he removed the last leg..... told the flea to jump..and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance... so he repeated the experiment several times... and the legless flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion... "Upon removing the last leg.... the flea loses all sense of hearing". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Mon 05 Jul 2010, 5:43 am | |
| A man is walking past a travel agent's office when he notices a billboard announcing.... "Four Day Cruise round the Isles... Forty pounds all inclusive". Impressed by the low price.... he races into the shop... slaps down forty pounds on the counterand announces.... "I'm here for the cruise round the Isles". Quick as a wink..... the travel agent whips out a baseball bat and knocks him unconsious. When the man wakes..he finds himself tied to a floating log and drifting in a loch. After a time...he notices another man in the same predicament on the other side of the loch. "Forty pound cruise?"...he calls out. "AYE"...says the man on the other side. "I'll bet you we don't even get breakfast"... he yells. "Well"....yells the other man.... "We did last year".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Mon 05 Jul 2010, 6:09 am | |
| Awakening the morning after the orgy.....the God of War was stretching sleepilywhen he noticed a lovely Valkyrie standingin the doorway."Good morning"..he said..."I'M THOR".She replied...."Your THOR?.....I'm tho thor I can hardly pith".
Last edited by skinman {kan} on Thu 08 Jul 2010, 5:36 am; edited 1 time in total |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Thu 08 Jul 2010, 5:35 am | |
| one morning..... a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bedsheet witha hole in the middle...hanging up in her livingroom. The housewife explained that she'd had a partythe night before. They had played a game called "Who's Who" inwhich each of the men had to put his equipmentthrough the hole.... and the women tried to guesstheir identity. "Gee...that sounds like fun"....said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there". "You should have been"....said the housewife. "Your name came up three times". |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Thu 08 Jul 2010, 10:09 am | |
| The old cowboy came riding into town on a hot.. dry.. dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy... stranger".
"Howdy.... Sheriff".
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse... lifted its tail... and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail... and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there a darned minute Mister".
"Sheriff?".
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?".
"Reckon you did... Sheriff... I got me some powerful chapped lips".
"And that cures 'em?"... the Sheriff asked.
"Nope.... but it keeps me from lickin' em. |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Thu 08 Jul 2010, 11:25 am | |
| The 98 year old Mother Superior was almost ready for that final journey. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last hours comfortable. They offered her some warm milk to drink.... but she refused. One of the nuns returned the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Scottish whisky received as a gift in previous times.... she opened and poured a generous amount of the amber nectar into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed.... she held the glass up to her lips. Mother drank a little... then a little more... and before they knew it... she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother".... the nuns asked in all earnest.... "please give us some of your wisdom before you shuffle off your mortal coil".
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow.... and with a pious look on her face said.... "Don't sell that cow".  |
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skinman {kan}
Badass KAN
Number of posts: 2868
Age: 64
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left 4 dead.
left4dead2.
TeamSpeak: yes.
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION Sat 10 Jul 2010, 6:12 am | |
| At the Olympic wrestling event....
It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American
for the gold medal.
Before the final match...the American wrestler's trainer
comes to him and says.....
"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian.
he's never lost a match because of this "PRETZEL" hold
he has.
whatever you do...don't let him get you in this hold!...
if he does...your finished!".
the wrestler nods in agreement.
As the match begins the American and the Russian circle
each other several times...looking for an opening.
All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward ....
grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded
"PRETZEL" hold.
A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd....
and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows
all is lost.
he can't watch the ending.
Suddenly...though...there's a scream...a cheer from the crowd....
and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian
flying up in the air.
The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud...and the American
weakly collapses on top of him...getting the pin and winning
the match.
The trainer is astounded!...when he finally gets the American
wrestler alone...he asks...
"How did you ever get out of that hold?...no one has ever done
it before!".
The wrestler answers....
"Well...I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold.....
but at the last moment...I opened my eyes and saw this pair
of balls right in front of my face.
I thought I had nothing to lose...so with my last ounce of
strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could.
You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own!". |
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| | THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION | |
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