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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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Lady of Winter {KAN}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 23 Mar 2009, 2:39 am

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 23 Mar 2009, 11:48 am

A Blonde is watching the
news with her husband...

when the newscaster
says..

'Two Brazilians die in a
skydiving accident.

'The blonde starts sobbing
and crying..

"That's horrible!
So many dying like that".

Confused.. he says..

"Yes dear..it is sad..
only they were skydiving..
and there is always a risk
involved while doing it".

After a few minutes..
the blonde..
still sobbing..
says..

"How many is a Brazilian?.
Very Happy
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Lady of Winter {KAN}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 23 Mar 2009, 4:13 pm

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. How do men get excersize at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. I can do better than this.

Q. What's a man's idea of helpin with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six pack.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 23 Mar 2009, 7:26 pm

The seven most Important
men in a woman's life....

The Doctor..who tells her..
"Take off all your clothes".

The dentist..who tells her..
"Open Wide".

The milkman who asks her..
"Do you want it in the front
or round the back?".

The hairdresser..
who asks her..
"Do you want it teased or blown?".

The banker..who warns her..
"If you take it out too soon...
you'll lose Interest!".

The hunter..who always goes
deep into the bush..always shoots
twice..always eats what he shoots..
but keeps telling her....
"keep quiet..and lie still!".
Razz
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Lady of Winter {KAN}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 24 Mar 2009, 1:07 am

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 24 Mar 2009, 7:06 am

A blonde was playing
Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and
she landed on Science
and Nature.

Her question was...

"If you are in a vacuum
and someone calls your
name..can you hear it?".

She thought for a time
and then asked..

"Is it on or off?".
........................

A blonde pushes her
BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic
it died.
After he works on it for
a few minutes.. it is
idling smoothly.
She says...

"What was up?".

He replies..

"Just crap in the carburetor".

She asks..

"How often do I have
to do that?".
Very Happy
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Lady of Winter {KAN}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 26 Mar 2009, 1:44 pm

Drunk Robbery

A drunk had 14 shots of tequilla. After he decides to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies,"someone broke into my car, they stole the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."

Minutes later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "never mind, i got into the backseat by mistake." affraid
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 26 Mar 2009, 4:52 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL
applaus applaus
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 27 Mar 2009, 3:55 pm

A man walks out of a bar..

stumbling back and forth
with a key in his hand.

A Policeman on the beat
sees him..
and approaches..

“Can I help you..sir?”.

“Yesssh! Sssshomebody
ssshtole my car!”...
the man replies.

The policeman asks..

“Where was your car
the last time you saw it?”

“It wasssh at the end
of thisssh key!”..
the man replies.

the policeman looks down
to see that the man’s diddle
is hanging out of his fly for
all the world to see.

He asks the man...

“Sir...
are you aware that you
are exposing yourself?”.

The man looks down
woefully and without
missing a beat..
moans..

“Ohhh... God...

they got my
girlfriend too!”.
Very Happy
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 28 Mar 2009, 6:16 pm

A man walks into the
doctors and says..

" Doctor..Doctor..
you have got to help me.

I keep thinking I am a moth!"

The Doctor says...

"I cannot help you...

You should have gone to the
psychiatrist next door!".

The man replied..

"I know..

I only came in here
because your light
was on!"
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 30 Mar 2009, 3:20 pm

Wee Sandy and his
wife were standing
in front of a woman's
clothing store in
Inverness.

"So...you really love
that red dress.. dear?".

"Och Aye"...she replied..
It's a bonnie dress".

"So you really adore
that dress?".

"It's jist ma size and
colour".

"Okay....You know
what...dear....
Tomorrow we'll
come and you can
see it again".
Razz
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Lady of Winter {KAN}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 02 Apr 2009, 12:13 am

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar,
and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his
shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare
another double martini. After he finishes that it, he
again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the
bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis
all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside
your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." affraid
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 03 Apr 2009, 4:10 pm

A seventy eight year
old grandmother was
arrested in Glasgow
for prostitution.

Not only did she have
sex with clients..on
their birthday...
she also sent them a
card with five pounds
Very Happy
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 04 Apr 2009, 11:34 am

Two scotsmen were blethering
over a few beers..when one
of them recalls something that
would be considered a
freudian slip....

He recalls the last slip
he had when he asked a
gorgeous..big..breasted
travel agent for two "Pickets
to Titenweem".

His friend says...
"Aye A ken what you
mean...
last week...
I wis having breakfast with
ma wife and ah meant to
say....

"could ye please pass the
milk...dear?".....
but whit came oot o' ma
mooth wis".....

"You F**king Bitch....
Ye ruined ma life"!!.
Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 04 Apr 2009, 11:58 am

Sandy worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for
thirty years.

He came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion.

He had an overwhelming urge to
stick his penis into the pickle
slicer.

His wife suggested that he should
see a sex therapist..to talk about it.

Sandy Indicated that he'd be too
embarrassed...but vowed he would
overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day...A few weeks later.....

Sandy came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once.... that
something was wrong.

"What's wrong..Sandy?"...she asked.

"Do you remember I told you how
I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?".

"Oh ...Sandy you didn't!".

"Yes I did".

"My god...Sandy..what happened?".

"I got fired".

"No...Sandy..I mean..What happened
with the pickle slicer?".

"Oh...she got fired too!".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 04 Apr 2009, 12:29 pm

Tam and Jean decide they
don't want to discuss sex
in front of their children.

So they decide to talk
in code.

One day...Tam is feeling
A little bit turned on and
says to his daughter...
Katie....

"Tell your mother I would
really like to type a letter".

Katie..runs off to find her
mum.

"Mummy..Mummy"...shouts
Katie...

"Daddy would like to type
a letter".

Jean replies rather sheepishly..

"Katie... go and tell your daddy
that he cant type today...as there
is a red ribbon in the typewriter".

Katie tears off to her dad and
says....

"Daddy..Daddy..Mummy says
you can't type a letter today as
there's a red ribbon in the
typewriter".

A few days later Jean remembers
that Tam was keen for a bit of
nookie..and so she called Katie.

"Katie..tell your Daddy that he can
type that letter today".

So..Katie runs off to look for her
Dad..and when she finds him she
says....

"Daddy..Mummy says you can
type that letter today".

"That's okay..Katie"...Tam says...

"You can tell Mummy that I don't
need the typewriter anymore...

I wrote the letter by hand!".
Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 05 Apr 2009, 2:57 am

A GIRL...

"I have sinned...
I called my boyfriend
A B**TARD".


THE PRIEST...

"Well now..
that's not a nice thing
to call anyone...
so what did he do to
deserve that?".


THE GIRL..

"Well.. he kissed me".


THE PRIEST:

"You mean like this?".


The priest kissed
the girl.


THE GIRL...

"Yes!".


THE PRIEST...

"Well that's no reason
to call him a B**TARD".

THE GIRL...

"But.. he put his hand
in my top".


THE PRIEST...

"You mean like this?".

The priest put his hand
in the girl's top.


THE GIRL...

"Yes!".


THE PRIEST...

"Well that's no reason to
call him a B**TARD".


THE GIRL...

"But... he took my
clothes off".


THE PRIEST...

"You mean like this?".

The priest took off the
girl's clothes.


THE GIRL...

"Yes!".


THE PRIEST...

"Well that's no reason
to call him a B**TARD".


THE GIRL...

"But.. he had sex
with me!".


THE PRIEST...

"You mean like this?".

The priest had sex
with the girl.


THE GIRL...

" Yes!".


THE PRIEST...

"Well that's no reason
to call him a B**TARD".


THE GIRL...

"But... then he told
me he has AIDS".


THE PRIEST...


"THE B**TARD!".
Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 10 Apr 2009, 12:20 am

A blonde is overweight so
her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly
for two days"
he tells her.

"Then skip a day and repeat
the procedure for two weeks.

The next time see you...
you’ll have lost at least
five pounds".

When the blonde returns..
she's lost nearly four stones.

"Why that's amazing"...
the doctor says.

"Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods....

"I'll tell you though..

I thought I was going to drop
dead that third day"

"From hunger you mean?"...
Asks the doctor.

"No"...

replies the blonde...

"from skipping".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 10 Apr 2009, 12:25 am

An Irish man who was
history's unluckiest
producer of lemonade.

Over the years he came
up with 4-up..

5-up..

6-up ...

and then stopped!

And if that isn't bad
enough..

look at other things
he produced..

An inflatable dartboard.

A chocolate kettle.

A soluble life-raft.

A self-righting aspirin.
Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 10 Apr 2009, 6:54 pm

Two deaf people get married.

During their first week as man
and wife....

They find that they are unable
to communicate in the bedroom
after they have turned off the
lights because they can't use
sign language in the dark.

After several nights of fumbling
around and misunderstandings..

The wife comes up with a solution.

"Honey"....she signs....

"Why don't we agree on some
simple signals?...for Instance....

If you want to have sex with me..

reach over and squeeze my left
breast..one time..

If you don't want to have sex...

reach over and squeeze my right
breast ...one time".

The husband likes this plan and
signs back to the wife....

"Great idea...now If you want
to have sex with Me.....

reach over and pull on my
todger one time...

If you don't want to have sex...

reach over and pull on
my todger.....

FIFTY TIMES".
Very Happy
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Lady of Winter {KAN}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 11 Apr 2009, 4:31 am

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 14 Apr 2009, 12:00 pm

A fireman was polishing his
fire engine outside the fire
station...

when he noticed a
pretty little girl next door
sitting in a little red cart..

with little ladders hung on
the side and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the bottom.

The little girl was wearing
a fireman's red helmet...

She had tied the cart to a
dog and a cat.

The firefighter walked over
to take a closer look.

"That's a lovely fire engine"...
he said admiringly.

"Thanks"...
said the little girl.

The fireman looked closer
and noticed that the little girl
had tied one of the carts strings
to the dog's collar....

and the other to the cat's testicles.

"Little colleague"...
said the firefighter.

"I don't want to tell you how to
run your fire engine....

but if you were to tie that rope
around the cat's collar....
I think you could probably go
a lot faster".

A puzzled frown creased the
Little girl's pretty face for a
moment.

She looked at the wagon....

at the dog....

and at the cat....

and then shyly looked into the
fireman's eyes and said...

"You're probably right....

but then I wouldn't have
a siren....

would I?".
Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 14 Apr 2009, 7:45 pm

lol! evil kid.
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Lady of Winter {KAN}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 15 Apr 2009, 1:46 pm

LOL - poor kitty!!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 16 Apr 2009, 2:12 pm

A Nun In A Taxi

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''

''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''

She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''

The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''

The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''

''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''

The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party affraid
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 16 Apr 2009, 7:51 pm

Sick, sick, sick. lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 19 Apr 2009, 5:11 pm

Two Irishmen had filled a
cart with hay and were
driving it out of the field
onto a narrow road and
into the path of an
oncoming car.

The other driver jammed
on his brakes just in time
and swerved into the field
they had just left.

"Thank the Lord"....

said one Irishman to
the other.

"We only just got out
of that field in time".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 19 Apr 2009, 5:16 pm

One Irishman was explaining
to the other how the Lord
often compensates for a
person's natural deficiencies.

"You see"...

he said...

"If someone is a bit blind he
might have a very good sense
of hearing....

or if his sense of taste has gone...

he may have a keen sense
of smell".

"I agree with you"...

said the other.

"I've always noticed that if
someone has one short leg...

the other one is always
just that little bit longer" .
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 19 Apr 2009, 6:41 pm

A couple of old soldiers
were reminiscing.

"Do you remember those
pills the army used to
give us in the second
world war to keep our
minds off girls?"....

"Vaguely"....

said the other.

"Well….

I think they're
beginning to work".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 19 Apr 2009, 6:50 pm

Two scottish farmers
in a field talking....

"My cow fell down a
hole and I had to shoot
it".

Second Farmer...

"Did you shoot it in
the hole?".

First Farmer...

"No...

in the head".
Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:02 am

skinman {kan} wrote:
A couple of old soldiers
were reminiscing.

"Do you remember those
pills the army used to
give us in the second
world war to keep our
minds off girls?"....

"Vaguely"....

said the other.

"Well….

I think they're
beginning to work".
Very Happy
lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:22 am

Photobucket
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 24 Apr 2009, 1:01 pm

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:
Photobucket

lol! lol! lol!
man!! andy cap didnt think you americans would know about him
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 24 Apr 2009, 2:21 pm

my little friend wrote:
Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:
Photobucket

lol! lol! lol!
man!! andy cap didnt think you americans would know about him

You're kidding, right? Andy Capp has been a staple of comedy in my family since I could walk. It's my dad's favorite comic strip and one of mine!!

MyLF, there is life outside of England ya know lol - hugs!!!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 24 Apr 2009, 8:32 pm

What about ..OOR WULLIE...
heard of him?....
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 24 Apr 2009, 8:47 pm

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:
my little friend wrote:
Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:
Photobucket

lol! lol! lol!
man!! andy cap didnt think you americans would know about him

You're kidding, right? Andy Capp has been a staple of comedy in my family since I could walk. It's my dad's favorite comic strip and one of mine!!

MyLF, there is life outside of England ya know lol - hugs!!!

yes there is life but not as we know it jim lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 27 Apr 2009, 9:08 am

These workmen are installing
bollards to stop nurses from
parking on the pavement
outside the Royal Hospital
in Belfast .

They are cleaning up at
the end of the day.

How long do you think it
will be before they realise
that they can't go home?.



Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 27 Apr 2009, 9:32 am

skinman {kan} wrote:
These workmen are installing
bollards to stop nurses from
parking on the pavement
outside the Royal Hospital
in Belfast .

They are cleaning up at
the end of the day.

How long do you think it
will be before they realise
that they can't go home?.



Very Happy
lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 28 Apr 2009, 3:26 am

That is good stuff. I would've like to seen them get out lol
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 28 Apr 2009, 4:39 am

Viagra Mickey Finn!

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to
revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an
aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he
won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me
know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires
as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect
was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the
table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded
to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years...
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 28 Apr 2009, 8:38 am

lol! lol! lol! lol!

thats what i call a happy meal!!!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 28 Apr 2009, 9:08 am

lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 28 Apr 2009, 1:59 pm

"Can I have some Irish
sausages please?'"...

Asked Seamus....

I want to make a proper
Irish hot-dog.

The shop assistant looked at
him and enquired...

"Are you Irish?".

"If I asked you for Italian
sausage...

would you ask me if I was
Italian?...

Or if I asked for German
bratwurst...

would you ask me if I was
German?...

Or if I asked you for a Kosher
hot dog..

would you ask me if I was
Jewish?...

Or if I asked you for a Taco...

would you ask me if I was
Mexican?...

Would you...

eh?... Would you?'

The assistant replied...

"Well...er.... no".

" If I asked you for some
Bourbon whiskey...

would you ask me if I was
American?...

What about Danish bacon...
would you ask me if I was
Danish?".

"Well... I probably wouldn't"...
came the response.

Self-righteously...

Seamus demanded...

"Well... all right then...why

did you ask me if I'm Irish...

just because I asked for Irish
Sausages?".

The assistant replied...

"You're in a shoe shop!".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 30 Apr 2009, 1:47 pm

Emily Sue passed away and
Billy-Bob called 911.

The 911 Operator told
Billy-Bob that she would
send someone out right
away.

"Where do you live?"...
asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied...

"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive".

The operator asked...

"Can you spell that for me?".

There was a long pause and
finally Billy-Bob said...

"How 'bout if I drag her over
to Oak Street and you pick
her up there?".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 30 Apr 2009, 3:35 pm

OMG!! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 02 May 2009, 10:29 am

A farmer from the highlands
found himself in Glasgow
outside a house of ill repute
in the red light district.

He walked inside and plunked
down £50 and asked the madam
for the ugliest woman she had
and a cheese sandwich.

The madam said that that
much money would entitle him
to the finest lady of the house
and a 5 course sumptuous meal.

The farmer responded...

"Missus don't get me wrong...

I'm not horny...

I'm homesick!".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 03 May 2009, 1:31 am

An irishman, german, and japanese have all immigrated to america, and the first jobs they find are at a mine. The man in charge of the mine tells the irishman he'll work in manual labor. He tells the German he'll be working with the machinery. He tells the Japanese he'll be working with supplies.

A few days pass, and the Japanese man is no where to be found. They all start searching for him. After hours and hours of searching, they are about ready to give up. Suddenly the Japanese jumps out from behind a rock and yells, "SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 03 May 2009, 1:42 am

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 03 May 2009, 11:57 am

ROFL ROFL
Photobucket
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 03 May 2009, 12:25 pm

Shocked

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

_________________

     
   
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