An attorney got home late
one evening..
after a very taxing day trying
to get a stay of execution
for a client.. James Wright..

who was due to be hanged
for murder at midnight.

His last-minute plea for
clemency to the governor
had failed and he was
feeling worn out and
depressed.

As soon as he got through
the door at home..
his wife started on him
about..

"What time of night do you
call this?..
Where have you been?"
And on and on.

Too shattered to play his
usual role in this familiar
ritual..
he poured himself a
shot of whiskey and
headed off for a long
hot soak in the bathtub..

pursued by the predictable
sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath..
the phone rang.

The wife answered and
was told that her husband's
client had been granted his
stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged
tonight.

Finally realizing what a day
he must have had..
she decided to go upstairs
to give him the good news.

As she opened the
bathroom door..
she was greeted by the
sight of her husband's
rear end as he was bent
over naked..
drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging
Wright tonight"..she said.

He whirled around and
screamed..

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD..
WOMAN...
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?".

A Greek and Italian were
sitting down one day
debating who had the
superior culture.

The Greek says..
"We have the Parthenon".

The Italian says..
"We have the Colosseum".

The Greek says..
"We had great Mathematicians".

The Italian says..
"We had the Roman Empire".

and so on and so on ...

and then The Greek says..
"We invented "true sex".

The Italian says..
"That is true..

but it was the Italians
who introduced it to women..."

A Blonde is watching the
news with her husband...

when the newscaster
says..

'Two Brazilians die in a
skydiving accident.

'The blonde starts sobbing
and crying..

"That's horrible!
So many dying like that".

Confused.. he says..

"Yes dear..it is sad..
only they were skydiving..
and there is always a risk
involved while doing it".

After a few minutes..
the blonde..
still sobbing..
says..

"How many is a Brazilian?.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. How do men get excersize at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. I can do better than this.

Q. What's a man's idea of helpin with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six pack.

The seven most Important
men in a woman's life....

The Doctor..who tells her..
"Take off all your clothes".

The dentist..who tells her..
"Open Wide".

The milkman who asks her..
"Do you want it in the front
or round the back?".

The hairdresser..
who asks her..
"Do you want it teased or blown?".

The banker..who warns her..
"If you take it out too soon...
you'll lose Interest!".

The hunter..who always goes
deep into the bush..always shoots
twice..always eats what he shoots..
but keeps telling her....
"keep quiet..and lie still!".

A blonde was playing
Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and
she landed on Science
and Nature.

Her question was...

"If you are in a vacuum
and someone calls your
name..can you hear it?".

She thought for a time
and then asked..

"Is it on or off?".
........................

A blonde pushes her
BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic
it died.
After he works on it for
a few minutes.. it is
idling smoothly.
She says...

"What was up?".

He replies..

"Just crap in the carburetor".

She asks..

"How often do I have
to do that?".

Drunk Robbery

A drunk had 14 shots of tequilla. After he decides to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies,"someone broke into my car, they stole the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."

Minutes later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "never mind, i got into the backseat by mistake."

A man walks out of a bar..

stumbling back and forth
with a key in his hand.

A Policeman on the beat
sees him..
and approaches..

“Can I help you..sir?”.

“Yesssh! Sssshomebody
ssshtole my car!”...
the man replies.

The policeman asks..

“Where was your car
the last time you saw it?”

“It wasssh at the end
of thisssh key!”..
the man replies.

the policeman looks down
to see that the man’s diddle
is hanging out of his fly for
all the world to see.

He asks the man...

“Sir...
are you aware that you
are exposing yourself?”.

The man looks down
woefully and without
missing a beat..
moans..

“Ohhh... God...

they got my
girlfriend too!”.

A man walks into the
doctors and says..

" Doctor..Doctor..
you have got to help me.

I keep thinking I am a moth!"

The Doctor says...

"I cannot help you...

You should have gone to the
psychiatrist next door!".

The man replied..

"I know..

I only came in here
because your light
was on!"