THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

Big Tam lay sprawled across three entire seats
in a cheap glasgow theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he
whispered to Tam...
"Sorry...
pal but youre only allowed one seat".

Tam groaned but didnt budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Listen mate if you dont get up from there...
Im going to have to call the manager.

Tam just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle.

In a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move tam...
but with no success.

Finally...
they summoned the police.

The policeman surveyed the situation briefly
then asked...

"All right pal whats youre name?".

"Tam"..
he moaned.

"Where you come from... Tam?"...
asked the policeman.

With pain in his voice...

Tam replied....

"The balcony".

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson.

One day he has finally saved up enough money...
so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike...
the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection
added to the bill.

The young man is upset because he does not have the extra
money..
and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet.

The dealer tells him not to worry.

There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new.

All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on
the chrome before it rains ....
and everything will be fine.

The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later...
the young man meets a woman and falls in love.

She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner.

He readily agrees and the date is set.

At the appointed time...
he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents
house.

Before they go in...
she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever
speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the
first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes.

After a long fifteen minutes...
the young man decides to speed things up...
so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word.......

Next he decides to take a more direct approach...
so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of
everyone.

And no one says a word.......

Now he is getting desperate...
so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.

They have even wilder sex.

And no one says a word........

By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to
do next when he hears thunder in the distance.

His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley...

so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says....

"I'll do the dishes!"

An expectant couple were soon to have their first child. Their doctor told them of a new invention to relieve the mother’s pain during childbirth. This invention could be attached to the mother and it would transfer the pain she experienced to the baby’s father.
The couple talked it over and the husband was anxious to help his wife with her delivery. When the blessed time came, they opted to use the new invention. It was strapped to the mother and the dial was set at 1. With the mother’s contraction,
the husband felt no pain. He asked that the dial be adjusted to 3. With the next contractions, the mother felt less pain and the husband tolerated the experience well. The husband, feeling courageous and noble, asked that the dial be turned to 100%. The nurse did so and the mother completed the entire labour and delivery with no pain. The husband did not feel any pain either, and was certain that women had over-rated their plight in childbirth.
A few days later the happy new family returned home from the hospital. They were shocked as they drove into their driveway to see the milkman lying dead on the front porch.

Joe enters the confessional
and tells the priest that he
has committed adultery.

The priest says, ‘Oh no, was it with Marie Brown?.’
Joe says, ’I’d rather not say who it was with.’
The priest says, ‘Was it with Betty Smith?’
Joe says, ’I’d rather not say,’
So the priest gives him absoultion
and Joe leaves. While leaving the church,
Joe’s friend asks if he recieved absolution.
Joe says, ‘Yes, and two very good leads!’

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says:

"Ah, you’re an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You had your good life, you can’t come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there’s speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we’ve got music in every room. There’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right….and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

God says, "Send him back up here or I’ll sue."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him."

God replies, "What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."

A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances.

At the end of this time... he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world
on film.

He winds up in Australia.. in Alice Springs.. so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer.

He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance".

The guy's a bit confused and says... "Butcher Dance?... What's that?"

"What?.... You no see Butcher Dance?".

"No... I've never heard of it".

"Oh mate.... You crazy.... How you say you film every native dance if
you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm... I got a corroborree on film just the other week.
Is that what you mean?".

"No no... not corroborree.... Butcher Dance much more important than
corroborree".

"Oh... well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?".

"Mate... Butcher Dance right out bush... Many days travel to go see
Butcher Dance".

"Look... I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon.....
to deepest darkest Africa... to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming
these dances.

Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance".

"OK... mate.... You drive north along highway towards Darwin.

After you drive 197 miles... you see dirt track veer off to left.

Follow dirt track for 126 miles... till you see big huge dead gum tree .

biggest tree you ever see.

Here you gotta leave the car... because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun.... You walk 3 days till you hit creek.

You follow this creek to Northwest... After 2 days you find where creek flows out
of rocky mountains.... Much too difficult to cross mountains here though.

You now head south for half day till you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous... Take 2.. maybe 3 days to get through
rocky pass.

When through.. head northwest for 4 days till reach big huge rock ... 20 ft high
and shaped like man's head.

From rock... walk due west for 2 days and you find village.

Here you see Butcher Dance".

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out.

After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track.

The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along
at a snails pace.

and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set
up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning.

His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing
on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of
before.

True to the directions he has been given... he reaches the creek after
three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky
mountains.

The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits
are starting to flag... but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass
through the hills ... nothing will prevent him from completing his life's
dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said
and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through.

But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their
way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock... four days later.. their water is running low
and their feet are covered with blisters.

Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed
them and give them fresh water.... They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough... the guy goes before the village chief and tells
him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

The chief says... "you lucky.. Butcher Dance performed tonight..You come just in time".

Relieved beyond measure... the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their
equipment ... preparing to capture the night's ritual on film.

as dusk falls.. the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn
themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land.. the natives form a circle around a
huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old
figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and
begins to chant.

From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and
the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself.

This is it.... He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain.

He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever
conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and.. in a big booming voice...

starts to sing,

"You butch yer right arm in.

You butch yer right arm out.

You butch yer right arm in

and you shake it all about"....

nice joke

A lorry driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the oad the lorry driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought ‘Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can’t run down this lawyer’ and at the last second the lorry driver swerved to miss the lawyer.
But, the lorry driver heard a thump outside of the lorry, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn’t see anything.
He turned to the priest and said ‘Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road’ And the priest said ’Don’t worry son, I got him with my door’

There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes Tickle Me Pink toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle them under the arms.

Well... Lena is hired at The Tickle Me pink factory and she reports
for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant
about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up... putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself...

so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me pink's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Pink's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric... wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully
sew the little package between pink's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry"... he says to her... barely able to keep a straight face..

"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"....

"Your job is to give Tickle's...

two test tickles".

A man walks into a bar and he’s really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes".
A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that"!
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
He replies, "No, I’m an asshole".

A little girl walks into a pet shop and
asks with the sweetest little lisp...

“Excuthe me... mithter... do you
keep wittle wabbits?”.

And the shopkeeper gets down on
his knees... so that he’s on her level
and asks...

“Do you want a wittle white wabby
or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby
or maybe one like that cute wittle
bwown wabby over there?”.

The little girl puts her hands on her
knees.... leans forward and says
in a quiet voice...

“I don’t fink my pyfon really
giveths a thit”.

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THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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