THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

The Reverend John Flapps was
the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down
the High Street and looking in....

he noticed a young lady of his
congregation...

sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The reverend wasn't happy.

He walked into the pub....

and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs Fitzgerald"...

he said sternly.

"This is no place for a member of
my congregation....

please let me take you home?".

"Shhhure"..

she said with a slur...

obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up
from the bar...

she began to weave back and
forth.

The reverend realised that she'd
had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did...

they both lost their balance
and tumbled to the floor.

After struggling around for a few
moments the reverend wound up
on top of Mrs Fitzgerald...

her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over
and said...

"Oi... Mate...

we won't have any of that
carrying on in this pub".

The reverend looked up at
the landlord and said...

"But you don't understand...

I'm Pastor Flapps" .

The landlord nodded and said...

"Oh well...

if you're that far ...

you might as well finish".

A President was invited to address a
major gathering of the American Indian
Nation in Arizona.

He spoke for almost an hour on his future
plans for increasing every Native American's
present standard of living.

He referred to his career as Governor of
Texas...

how he had signed "YES" 1'237 times for
every Indian issue that came to his desk
for approval.

Although the President was vague on the
details of his plan...

he seemed most enthusiastic about his
future ideas for helping his...

"red brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech...

the Tribes presented the President with a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name

walking Eagle.

The proud President then departed in his
motorcade...

waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group
of chiefs of how they came to select the
new name given to the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the
name given to a bird....

so full of s**t it can no longer fly.

LOOL

A guy applies for a job.

The interviewer asks him

"Are you allergic to anything?"

He says...

"Yes..

just caffeine."

"Have you ever been
in the service?". ..

"Yes" ....

"I was in Iraq for
two years".

The interviewer says...

"That will give you
an extra 5 points
toward employment
here"..

he then asks.

"Are you disabled in
any way?".

The guy says...

"Yes...

a grenade exploded near
me and blew my
testicles clean off".

The interviewer tells
the guy...

"O.K.

In that case...

I can hire you right
now.

Normal hours are from
8am to 4pm.

You can start tomorrow
at 10am...

and plan on starting
at 10am every day.

Don't worry...

we'll still pay you
from 8am".

The guy is puzzled
and says...

"If the hours are from
8am to 4pm...

why don't you
want me to be here
before 10am?".

"This is a government
job"...

"For the first two hours
we just stand around
drinking coffee and
scratching our balls.

No point in you coming
in for that.

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met. While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind against the fence."
"Why, yes I remember it well dear." replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time’s sake, lets go there again and I’ll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips. The little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour.
Well, the young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!"
Two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Sonny, fifty years ago that fence wasn’t electrified."

That's funny.
.

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A wife gave her husband a gift certificate
for his 60th birthday.

The certificate paid for a visit to a
medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded..

he drove to the reservation and handed his
certificate to the medicine man...
wondering what would happen next.

Slowly.. methodically...

the old man produced a potion which he
handed to him and with a grip on his shoulder...

warned...

"This is powerful medicine and must be respected.

You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3.

When you do that...

you will become more manly than you have ever
been in your life...

and you will be able to perform for as long as
you want".

As he walked away...

he turned and asked...

"How do I stop the medicine from working?".

Your wife must say "1-2-3-4" he responded...

"but when she does...

the medicine will not work again for six
months".

Eager to see if it worked...

he went home...

showered and shaved...

took a teaspoonful of the medicine and
invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she went in.. he shouted...

"1-2-3!".

Immediately...

he was the manliest of men!.

Excited.. his wife began throwing off
her clothes . . .

and then asked..

"What was the 1-2-3 for?".

That...
boys and girls...
is why we should never end our
sentences with a preposition...

you could end up with a
dangling participle!.

that was funny!!

A man had been drinking at a pub all night when the bartender finally decided to close up shop. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air to try to sober up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you’ve been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called-you left your wheelchair there again."

That's funny....

An irish woman and her daughter were
riding in an open buggy one cold..
blustery January day.

The daughter said to the mother..
"My hands are freezing cold".

The mother replied...
"Put your hands between your legs.

The body heat will warm them up".
So the daughter did...
and her hands warmed up.

The next day...
the daughter was riding in the buggy
with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend said...
"My hands are freezing cold".

The daughter said...
"Put them between my legs..
they'll warm up" .

The next day...
the boyfriend is driving in the buggy
with the daughter.

He said...
"My nose is freezing cold".

The daughter said...
"Put it between my legs.
It will warm up"..

He did...
and his nose warmed up.

The next day...
the boyfriend is driving again with
the daughter and he said...

"My penis is frozen solid".

The next day..
the daughter is driving in the buggy
with her mother...
and she says to her mother...

"Have you ever heard of a penis?".

The slightly concerned mother says...
"Sure...
why do you ask?"

The daughter says...
"Well...

they make one hell of a
mess when they thaw out.

Snow White received a camera as a gift.

She happily took pictures of the dwarves

and their surroundings.

When she finished her first batch...

she took the film to be developed.

After a week or so she went to get the
finished photos.

The clerk said the photos were not back
from the processor.

Needless to say....

she was disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk...

trying to console her....

said....

"Don't worry....

some day your prints will come."

Two men drove to a petrol station for a
fill-up because they heard about a
contest being offered by the station to
patrons who purchase a full tank.

When they went inside to pay..
the men asked the attendant about the
contest.

"If you win...
you're entitled to free sex"...
said the attendant.

"How do we enter?"...
asked the first man.

"Well...
I'm thinking of a number between
1-10...
if you guess right..
you win free sex".

"O.K.
I guess 7"...
said the first man.

"Sorry...
I was thinking of 8"...
replied the attendant.

"Come back soon and try again".

The next week...
the two men returned to the same
station to buy petrol.

When they went inside to pay...
the second man asked the attendant
if the contest was still going on.

"Sure"...
replied the attendant.

"I'm thinking of a number between
1-10...
if you guess right.

You win free sex".

"2"...
said the second man

"Sorry...
I was thinking of 3"...
replied the attendant.

"Come back soon and try again".

As they walked back to the car...
the first man said to the second man...

"You know...
I'm beginning to think this contest
is rigged".

"No way"... said the second man.

"My wife won twice last week".

A Man goes to the Doctors saying
he has a problem with his sex life.

The Doctor tells him to summarise
a day in his life.

"Well I wake up early have a quick
bonk with my wife...

then have breakfast and another bonk...

then off to work where I normally have
a quick one with my receptionist...

go down to the typing pool for a quick
play with a typist and then home to my
wife for some quick sex and lunch.

Back to work...

normally have a screw or two with a
few clients and one of the partners
wives then home for a quick one on
the sofa before tea...

then go to bed early for a proper
love making session with my dearest.

The Doctor who is...

(Overworked and burnt out )

suggests that this does'nt sound
too bad really.

the man says...

Maybe not... but it gets really
sore when I masturbate".

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» Adventures 2 - unofficial Guide - very detailedly

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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