My girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year..

and so we decided to get
married.

There was only one little
thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger
sister.

My prospective sister-in-law
was twenty-two.. wore very
tight mini-skirts.. and
generally was braless.

She would regularly bend
down when she was near
me.. and I always got more
than a pleasant view of her
private parts.
It had to be deliberate.

She never did it when she
was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister
called and asked me to
come over to check the
wedding invitations.

She was alone when I
arrived..
and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and
desires for me that she
couldn't overcome.

She told me that she
wanted to make love
to me just once before
I got married and
committed my life
to her sister.

Well.. I was in total shock..
and couldn't say a word.

She said..
"I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom..and if you want
one last wild fling..
just come up and get me".

I was stunned and frozen in
shock as I watched her go
up the stairs.

When she reached the top
she pulled off her panties ! ..

and threw them down the
stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment..

then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front
door.

I opened the door..

and headed straight towards
my car.

Lo and behold..

my entire future family was
standing outside..
all applauding.

With tears in his eyes..

my father-in-law hugged me
and said..

"We are very happy that you
have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family".

And the moral of this story is..

Always keep your
condoms in your car.

Two doctors started a practice
and put up a sign reading

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones
Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town council was not
happy with the sign..

so the doctors changed it to
"Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either..

so in an effort to satisfy the
council they changed the sign to
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go.

Next.. they tried
"Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again.

Then came
"Manic Depressives
and Anal Retentives".

Still not good.

Another attempt resulted
in "Minds and Behinds".

Unacceptable again.

So they tried

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes".
No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?".
Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?".
Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?".
Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?".
Forget it

Almost at their wit's end..
the doctors finally came
up with..

" Dr Smith and Dr. Jones..

Odds and Ends".

Which way does your
mind go?......

read this word out....

PENISINHERMOUTH.




Did you say it properly?.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"PEN IS IN HER MOUTH".

The average man's life
consists of..

Twenty years of having
his mother ask him where
he is going...

Forty years of having his
wife ask the same question.

Finally.. at the end..

the mourners wondering.. too.

An Asian man walked into
the stock exchange in London
with 2000 yen and walked
out with £72.

The following week.. he
walked in with 2000 yen
and was handed £66.

He asked the teller why he
got less money that week
than the previous week.

The teller said.. "Fluctuations".

The Asian man stormed out..
and just before slamming the door
turned around and shouted..

"And Fluc you English too!"

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations
of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the
bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the
front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered
the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to
know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

OMG! I must be one in a few that said, "PEN is in her mouth" and that is surprising knowing my mind lol

Ireland's worst air disaster
occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater
Cessna plane crashed into
a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered
1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to
climb as digging continues
into the night.

A man walked into the
barber's and said..

"I'd like to have my hair
cut like Tom Cruise"...

The barber started
clipping away like crazy.

"Are you sure you know
what Tom Cruise looks
like?"..

asked the customer.

"Of course I do!"..

snapped the barber.

"I saw him twice in
The King and I".

Hospital regulations require
a wheelchair for patients
being discharged.

However..
a student nurse..

found one elderly
gentleman..

already dressed and
sitting on the bed with
a suitcase at his feet..

who insisted he didn't
need any help to leave
the hospital.

After a chat about
rules being rules..

he reluctantly let her
wheel him to the
elevator.

On the way down..
she asked him if his
wife was meeting him.

"I don't know"..
he said.

"She's still upstairs
in the bathroom
changing out of
her hospital gown".

Things I learned being from Georgia

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Georgia ..
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Georgia.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.
7. 'Jaw-P?' means, 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'Fixinto' is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then
there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it
when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat ?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time
it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. A garden hose is called a "hose pipe".
17. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
18. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
19. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
20. You carry jumper cables in your car - -- for your OWN car.
21. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and
Ketchup.
22. The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.
23. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
24. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm.'
25. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
26. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin'
Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World.'
27. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew
weather.
28. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
29. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we
can drive, dag-nabbit.
30. If you understand these jokes then you know what a boiled peanut is and actually eat them.

Three men were sitting together..

bragging about how they
had given their wives duties.

The first man had married a
woman from England and
bragged that he had told his
wife she was going to do all
the dishes and house
cleaning that needed to be
done at their house.

He said that it took a couple
of days..
but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and
the dishes were all washed
and put away.

The second man had married
a woman from Ireland.

He bragged that he had given
his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning. the dishes..
and the cooking.

He told them that the first day
he didn’t see any results..
but the next day it was better.

By the third day..
his house was clean..
the dishes were done..
and he had a huge
dinner on the table.

The third had married a
Glasgow girl.

He said that he told her that
her duties were to keep the
house clean.. dishes washed..
laundry washed..
and hot meals on the table
for every meal.

He said the first day he
didn’t see anything..

the second day he didn’t
see anything..

but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a
little out of his left eye..

just enough to Wash the dishes..
load the Washing Machine..
and do The shopping.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears
at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no!" said the barman, "It's not that Nun again is it?"