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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 24 May 2009, 3:59 pm

In Praise of Older Women

(which in our society means over 25)

An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you, ‘What are you thinking?’ An older woman doesn’t care what you think.

An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there’s a natural disaster.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse.

A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him. An older woman is a cheaper date.

A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they’re always wearing sensible shoes. An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there’s no need to develop a phobia about committing to her.

The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an XXXXXXX if you’re acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

An older woman puts herself on a pedestal. If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know…

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. An older woman will never accuse you of ‘using her.’ She’s using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call… Older woman know how to cook. Young women know how to dial 967-1111. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends.

A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she’s with you, in case you get any ideas… Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know. Older woman often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years.

Young women often don’t wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease. An older woman will agree to go to McDonald’s with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly burp later. Older women are dignified.

They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park. Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can’t get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends… and most of them will want to boff you too. An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride. An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 24 May 2009, 6:53 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 24 May 2009, 7:08 pm

Edward couldn't resist the offer
in his local paper.

"World cruise..£200 all in".

Full of beans...

he paid his fare and boarded
the liner.

On deck he showed his ticket
and was immediately chained
to an oar..
along with hundreds of others.

Suddenly a huge black man
appeared and began banging a
drum.

At the same time six sturdy
sailors walked amongst the oars
beating people with bullwhips
until they pulled their weight.

"This is a disgrace"...
said Edward....
wincing with pain and exertion.

"This is the twentieth century...
and slavery has been abolished.

When I get home I'll complain to
the United Nations.

I can't believe it.

And what about that fellow
on the big drum?".

"Well"..
said Jock...

"he's not as good as the
bloke we had last year!".
Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 24 May 2009, 9:12 pm

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant’s weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"That won’t work," countered the woman. "I’m not the mother, I’m the aunt."
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 24 May 2009, 9:17 pm

Razz lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 25 May 2009, 6:24 pm

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:

"Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Adirways". Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted…
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 25 May 2009, 6:25 pm

No probs, here’s a joke…

Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money, all together they came to a staggering 50 pence. Mick said ‘Hang on I have got an idea’ – went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Cumberland Sausage.

Paul ‘Are you crazy? Now we haven’t got any money left at all’
Mick ’Don’t worry – just follow me’ and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel’s’
Paul ‘Now you have lost it – do you know how much trouble we will be in – we haven’t got any money!!’
Mick ’Don’t’ worry – I have got a plan – Cheers’ They had their drinks and Mick said ’OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip – you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth.

Said and done – the landlord noticed it – went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the 10th pub Paul said ’ Mate – I don’t think I can continue this any longer I am pi*sed and my knees are killing me…..

Mick said ‘How do you think I feel – I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub!!’
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 25 May 2009, 10:06 pm

So this man walks into a bar
and says to the bartender...

"Give me two single whiskies".

"Sure"...
the bartender replies...

"do you want them both now
or one at a time?".

"Oh... both now"....
replies the man.

"one's for me and one's for my
little friend here"....

and with that the man pulls
a three inch tall guy out of his
shirt pocket.

The Bartender looked at the little
guy in amazement and asked....

"Can he drink?".

"Sure" ...

replied the man and with that
the three inch tall guy supped
back his whisky.

"That's amazing" ...
replied the bartender...

"what else can he do? ..
Can he walk?"

With that the man flips a
coin down to the other end
of the bar and asks the little
fella to get it.

Sure enough....

he runs down the bar and
retrieves the coin....

picks it up and jogs back
to the man.

"That really is amazing"...

replied the bartender...

"Can he talk?"
"Of course"... says the man
"Hey Jim...

tell him about that time we
were in Africa and you called
that witch-doctor a wanker"!.
Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 28 May 2009, 5:39 pm

lol! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 28 May 2009, 5:40 pm

In Japan, they have
replaced the impersonal
and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with their
own traditional Japanese
haiku poetry, each with
only 17 syllables:
five in the first line,
seven in the second,
five in the third.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No-one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

I hate your Web page.
Forgive me; it was tasty
And tart on my tongue.
Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 28 May 2009, 7:28 pm

lol!


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 28 May 2009, 8:03 pm

David Beckham decides to try horse riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse’s neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.

Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune…..

The Sainsbury’s security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 29 May 2009, 12:30 am

The farmer's daughter was engaged
to be married to a bright and polished
young solicitor.

When she first brought her fiance
to visit the home her father engaged
in conversation with the young man
about his success with his crops.

"I have rhubarb sticks like telegraph
poles."... he said.

"And how do you get them to grow
so big"....

asked the young man.

"Oh... loads of manure"...
answered the farmer.

"And my turnips are as big as
footballs".

"And to what do you attribute
your success with turnips?"...

asked the young solicitor.

"Oh loads of manure"...

said the farmer again.

Loads of manure was the
secret of the success of
the farmer's cabbage...

parsnips and every other
crop that he spoke to the
young man about.

When the evening was over
an embarrassed daughter
called her mother to the
kitchen and...

almost in tears...

begged her to get her
father to use the word
fertiliser when in polite
company.

Her mother's answer was...

"If you only knew how
long it took me to get
him to say manure".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 29 May 2009, 1:17 pm

lol! ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 29 May 2009, 1:23 pm

Champions League News………

FIFA has just announced that this years champions league will only be played by teams with a squad of 11 players. this is as a mark of respect to the Russians who have no subs left.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 29 May 2009, 2:50 pm

A Wedding occurred in
Scotland.

To keep tradition going...

Everyone got drunk..and
the bride and groom's
families have a storming row
and begin wrecking the
reception room and
generally kicking the crap
out of each other.

The police get called in to
break up the fight.

The following week all members
of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the
courtroom untill the judge
finally brings calm with the
use of his hammer....

Shouting...

"Silence in court"!.

The court room goes silent
and Sandy....
(the best man)

Stands up and say's...

"Judge"...

I was the best man at the
wedding and I think I should
explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and asks
Sandy to take the stand.

Sandy begins his explanation
by telling the court that it
is traditional in a scottish
wedding that the best man
gets the first dance with the
bride.

The judge says...

"OK".

"Well....

said Sandy...

"After I had finished the
first dance...

The music kept going....

so I continued dancing to
the second song ...

and after... the music kept
going....

and I was dancing to the
third song.....

When all of A sudden the
groom leapt over the table...

ran toward us and gave the
bride an unmerciful kick in
her privates."

The judge Instantly responded...

"GOD...

that must have hurt"!.

Sandy replied...

"HURT!.....

he broke three of my fingers
Very Happy


Last edited by skinman {kan} on Sat 30 May 2009, 12:10 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 29 May 2009, 4:15 pm

lol! applaus
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 29 May 2009, 4:52 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 30 May 2009, 8:03 pm

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment!!" affraid


(MyLF, that will teach you not to leave your unmentionables in your car)
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 31 May 2009, 7:21 am

Gotta love the Marines....


A Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant is walking down the street and sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Master Gunns runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just one time for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just
once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most
perfect breasts in the world.. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and
starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,
burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or
not?"

"Nah", says the Master Gunns ... "Costs too much..."
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 31 May 2009, 2:24 pm

lol! ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 31 May 2009, 2:25 pm

"What to Do with Hotel Soap"

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guest. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.

They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid – I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.

Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my **@??ing room, including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.

Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial.

Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them.

The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

- On the shelf under the medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- On the Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

-On the bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

- Inside the medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

- In the shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.

- On the northeast corner of the tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

- On the northwest corner of the tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.

May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 01 Jun 2009, 2:47 pm

lol!


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 01 Jun 2009, 3:41 pm

Edward Bulwar Lytton prize

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.
Some recent winners:


"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."

"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: ‘Andre creep … Andre creep … Andre creep.’"

"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store."
"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."


"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death-in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE BEST OF ALL:

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly,

"You lied!"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 01 Jun 2009, 6:56 pm

Razz Razz
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 02 Jun 2009, 11:36 am

A young couple, just married, were on their honeymoon on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said,

"Here, put these on".

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can’t wear your Trousers, "she said.

"That’s right!", said the husband, "and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man and I wear the trousers in this family."

With that she flipped him her knickers and said, "Try these on."

"Hell", he replied, "I can’t get into your knickers!"

"That’s right", she retorted, "and that’s the way its going to be until you change your f***ing attitude".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 02 Jun 2009, 12:37 pm

Laughing lol!

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 02 Jun 2009, 8:19 pm

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip……

But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs Clause told him that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard he discovered the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cursed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 03 Jun 2009, 12:17 am

santa
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 03 Jun 2009, 11:56 am

Education Courses For Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears — The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To.
25. Sex — It’s For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" — Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.
Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 03 Jun 2009, 12:13 pm

ROFL ROFL

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 04 Jun 2009, 1:59 pm

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found
themselves sharing a compartment
on a train.

After a while...

the priest opened a conversation
by saying...

"I know that in your religion
you're not supposed to eat pork...

Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said...

"I must tell the truth.

Yes...
I have...

on the odd occasion" .

Then the Rabbi had his turn
of interrogation.

He asked....

"Your religion... too...

I know you're supposed to
be celibate.... But"....

"Yes...said the priest

I know what you're going
to ask.

I have succumbed once
or twice" .

There was silence for a while.

Then the Rabbi peeped around
the newspaper he was reading
and said....

"Better than pork....

isn't it?"

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 04 Jun 2009, 9:27 pm

lol! ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 04 Jun 2009, 9:28 pm

Did you hear that one of the concorde pilots asked the other if he was going home after his shift.
He said no, he was just going to crash at the hotel …

The European Commission have met and declared that Concorde’s impeccable safety record will stand.
The hotel was in the wrong.

Affluent German tourists choose to fly Concorde. They’d not be seen dead on anything else…

So many German tourists. So few concordes….

But wait….. there’s more……

1. The French Killed more Germans on Tuesday than in 2 world wars

2. How do you fit 100 Germans into a small French hotel? On Concorde!

3. I know that the Germans like to get to the sun-loungers first but isn’t this just a bit ridiculous?

4. Overheard at the Hotelissimo, Gronesse: "Waiter! There’s a Concorde in my soup."

5. Air France have just introduced a new express service for their premium travellers which guarantees you can be off your plane and in your hotel in all of two minutes.

6. Why is Concorde such good value for money? You get the hotel thrown in.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 05 Jun 2009, 12:15 am

Very Happy lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 05 Jun 2009, 10:26 am

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don’t see how, ….we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you’re equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended!!!!
Rolling Eyes
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 05 Jun 2009, 10:28 am

Exam Answers
The following questions and answers were collated from last year’s British GCSE exams (16 year olds)! Give us strength … these people are tomorrow’s leaders … my bet is that we will become extinct!
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, theborax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains thebrain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does *varicose- mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word *judicious- in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word *benign- mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 05 Jun 2009, 1:18 pm

OMG!! I laughed so hard reading these. My favorite:
Q: What is "benign" ?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology


ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 05 Jun 2009, 3:15 pm

man!! lmao
but i think you miss the point ,these answers show acute intelligence and quick wit,clearly not serious and intended to show a complete lack of faith in our poor education system,this is a two fingers to authority.
my fav when buying a house you have to be well endowed ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
me.......... three bedroomed semi detached lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 05 Jun 2009, 7:13 pm


  • Attention *


It’s that time again!
As many of you know,
each year the Internet
must be shut down for
24 hours in order to allow
us to clean it.

The cleaning process,
which eliminates dead
email and inactive ftp,
www and gopher sites,
allows for a better working
and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning
process will take place
from 12:01 a.m. GMT
on May 27 until 12:01
a.m. GMT on May 28
(the time least likely
to interfere with ongoing work).

During that 24-hour period,
five powerful Internet search
engines situated around the
world will search the Internet
and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable
data from deletion we ask that you
do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and
local area networks from their
Internet connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers,
or disconnect them from the Internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives
from any connections to the Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer
to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience
that this may cause some Internet
users, and we apologize.
However, we are certain
that any inconveniences will
be more than made up for by
the increased speed and
efficiency of the Internet,
once it has been cleared
of electronic flotsam and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 05 Jun 2009, 7:34 pm

Will be sure to disconnect my junky PC from the internet first.

Whoops too late lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 06 Jun 2009, 12:13 am



My favorite is
the answer to
the four seasons.

Very Happy Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 06 Jun 2009, 12:36 am

COFUCIUS SAYS...

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like bananas.


War does not determine
who's right.
War determine who's
left.

When called an idiot
sometimes is better to
be quiet...
than open mouth and
remove all doubt.

Man who drop watch in
toilet have crappy time.

Man with big mouth..
beware of foot.

Television never replace
old reliable key hole.


Man who scratches backside
should not bite fingernails.

Man who wants pretty nurse..
must be patient.

Man who make love to girl
on hill...
he not on level.

Man who stand on toilet
high on pot.

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 06 Jun 2009, 1:40 pm

lol! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 06 Jun 2009, 1:40 pm

A young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.
The doctor says, "You’re not really a brunette are you? You’re really a blonde".
She says, in a confessing voice, "Yes doctor".
"I thought so," says the doctor. "Your finger is broken."
Sad
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 07 Jun 2009, 4:17 am

An old Scot...
after living for many years
in a far-away land...
was dying.

He called his doctor and
asked for one last favour.

The doctor agreed and the
old Scot said he wanted to
hear the pipes played one
more time before he died.

A piper was duly summoned
and marched up and down
the hallway playing mightily.

In the morning...
the old Scot was so invigorated
he arose...
dressed...
and went home.

All of the other patients
were dead.

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 07 Jun 2009, 4:24 am

Angus called in to see his friend
Donald to find he was stripping
the wallpaper from the walls.

Rather obviously...
he remarked...

"You're decorating...
I see" .

to which Donald replied ...

"Naw...
I'm moving house".


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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 07 Jun 2009, 5:03 am

How many Spanish guys
does it take to change
a lightbulb?.

Just Juan.

...................

What's the difference between
The Rolling Stones and an
Aberdeen sheep farmer? .

The Rolling Stones say...
"Hey you...
get off of my cloud".

And an Aberdeen sheep
farmer says...

"Hey McLeod...
get off of ma ewe".

............................
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 07 Jun 2009, 4:59 pm

lol! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 07 Jun 2009, 5:03 pm

There is a man sitting on a train
eating a bag of fresh prawns,
ripping the shells off and throwing
them out of the window.

He has eaten a few when the
woman opposite says
"Would you mind not doing that,
its disgusting to watch".

He says, "listen love, it’s got
nothing to do with you, I’ve paid
my fare for this journey and I’ll
do what I want on this train" and
carries on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window
and eating the prawns.

Finally he finishes
the bag and settles back
to have a sleep. The woman then
starts knitting – all the man can
hear whilst he’s trying to sleep is
the incessant clicking of the needles.

After about 15 minutes he sits up
and says to the woman,
"Could you stop that noise
-can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?"
"It’s got nothing to do with you",
replies the woman, "I’ve paid
my fare and I’ll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabs the
woman’s knitting and throws
it out of the window.
The woman gets up and pulls
the alarm cord. The man
laughs "Ha ha, you’ll get
fined 200 pounds for that!"

To which the woman replies
"And you’ll get 6 years when
the police smell your fingers".
affraid


Last edited by MaRiNe {KAN} on Sun 07 Jun 2009, 9:49 pm; edited 1 time in total
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