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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 14 May 2009, 12:31 pm

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro
arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian customer agent stops
them and tells them....

"Itsa illegal to putta fiva people
ina Quattro".

"What do you mean it's illegal?"...
asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four"....
replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just the name of the
automobile"....
the Englishman says....
not believing what he is hearing.

"Look at the papers....
this car is designed to carry
5 persons".

"You can'ta pulla thata one
ona me".....
replies the Italian customs
agent.

"Quattro means four.

You hava fiva people ina your
car and you are therefore
breakin'a the law".

The Englishman replies angrily...

"You idiot!...
Call your supervisor over We
want to speak to someone with
more intelligence!".

"Sorry"....
responds the Italian official...

"he can'ta come".

"He's a busy with two guys
in a Uno".
Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 14 May 2009, 1:19 pm

lol! ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 14 May 2009, 1:19 pm

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I CAN’T DO IT!"

In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn’’t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 15 May 2009, 12:18 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 15 May 2009, 12:34 am

A man walks into the
market followed by his
ten-year-old son.

The kid
is spinning a 25 cent piece
in the air and catching it
between his teeth.

As they walk through the
market someone bumps
into the boy just at the
wrong moment and the
coin goes straight into
his mouth and lodges in
his throat.

He immediately starts
choking and going blue
in the face and the Dad
starts panicking.....

shouting and screaming
for help.

A middle-aged.....

fairly unremarkable
man in a gray
suit is sitting at a coffee
bar in the market reading
his newspaper and sipping
a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion
he looks up...

puts his coffee cup down on the
saucer.. neatly folds his
newspaper and places it on
the counter.

He gets up from his seat and
makes his unhurried way
across the market.

Reaching the boy....

(who is still standing...
but just barely)

the man carefully
takes hold of the kid's testicles
and squeezes gently but firmly.

After a few seconds the boy
convulses violently and coughs
up the 25 cent piece...

which the man catches in his
free hand.

Releasing the boy...

the man hands the coin to the
father and walks back to his
seat in the coffee bar without
saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his
son has suffered no lasting ill
effects.....

the father rushes over to the
man and starts effusively
thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed
and brushes off the father's thanks.

As the man is about to leave...

the father asks one last question....

"I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before ....

it was fantastic ....

what are you.....

a surgeon or something
like that?"

"Oh.... good heavens...

no"....

"I work for the IRS".
Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 15 May 2009, 11:15 am

lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 15 May 2009, 11:18 am

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That’s from your grandma."
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 16 May 2009, 6:32 am

lol! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 16 May 2009, 11:42 am

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots that are checked for each night. These problems are always solved before the next flight. Here are some actual problems (P) and their solutions (S).

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Left inside main tire almost replaced.

(P) Test flight OK, except Auto Land very rough. (S) Auto Land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) #2 propeller seepage normal. #’s 1, 3, and 4 lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to a more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold more produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That’s what they’re there for.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 16 May 2009, 3:54 pm

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 16 May 2009, 4:05 pm

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar. As they order their drinks, they watch the 6 o’ clock news. On the broadcast is a man about to jump from a building. Hours pass as they find themselves sitting in the same seats at the bar watching the 10 o’ clock news. The brunette says to the blonde, "I bet you $20 that the man jumps." Thinking for a moment, the blonde takes the bet. Sure enough the man jumps. As the blonde reaches into her purse to pay the bet, she says, "My God, I just saw that same man on the 6 o’clock news, I didn’t think he would jump again."
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 17 May 2009, 1:08 pm

Very Happy applaus applaus Very Happy
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 17 May 2009, 1:52 pm

Twenty minutes after the
Titanic sank....

Tam and Jock find
themselves on the same
overturned lifeboat.

The water is freezing and
the boat seems to be
sinking.

"Oh..well"...

said Tam...

"It could have been worse".

"Worse?..how could it have
been worse?".

"We could have bought
return tickets".
Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 17 May 2009, 3:23 pm

lol! ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 17 May 2009, 3:28 pm

"I’m hungry." = I’m hungry.

"I’m sleepy." = I’m sleepy.

"I’m tired." = I’m tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.

"What’s wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What’s wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I’m bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let’s have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

"Let’s talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

and FINALLY… (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY dress and let’s go home!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 18 May 2009, 11:24 am

A polish guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, can you give me a lobotomy?"

The doctor says, "Why on earth would you want a lobotomy?"

The polack responds, "Why, so I can write ‘dumb polack’ jokes, of course!"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 18 May 2009, 3:42 pm

A seismologist, a meteorologist, and a fireman were P.O.W.s to a group of terrorists.

Before the day of their scheduled execution, they all agreed on escaping by shouting out something really loud to hopefully scare them off.

The next day the first one to be pulled was the seismologist. The terrorists put him next to a tree and aimed ther guns at his head. The leader said, "Any last words?"

The seismologist replied with a loud shout, "Earthquake!"

The terrorists got scared and ran, so the seismologist escaped.

The terrorists and grabbed the meteorologist. They put him next to a tree with guns pointed at his head. The leader said, "Any last words?"

The meteorologist replied,"Tornado!"

The terrorists got scared and ran away, so the meteorologist escaped.

The terrorists came back and went on to the last, the fireman. They put him next to the tree and pointed guns at his head. The leader said, "Any last words?"

The fireman replied, "Fire!"

So they shot him and he died.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 18 May 2009, 3:50 pm

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

_________________

     
   
"if its got tits or wheels it'l cost you money"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 18 May 2009, 7:58 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 18 May 2009, 8:29 pm

lol! ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 18 May 2009, 8:30 pm

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 18 May 2009, 8:31 pm

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.

He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn’t want to lose his job, but he understood the boss’s situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, ‘Mary, I’ve got a problem; By the end of the day, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off…’ And Mary says, ‘Then you’re gonna have to jack off, buster, I’ve got a headache!’
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 19 May 2009, 1:26 pm

There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling through the forrest one day when he happens upon a Leprechaun, perched upon a toadstool. The Leprechaun looks down at the poor snail, crawling on his belly all his life, and takes pity on him.
"Snail," he says. "I am going to grant you a wish. Whatever you want, you have only to ask."

The snail can’t believe his luck! He thinks for a moment, and then excitedly exclaims, "Yes! I do have a wish! I want a brand new, shiny red Corvette Stingray!" The Leprechaun at first thinks that this is pretty strange, but then, considering that he is talking to a snail, perhaps not.

"And" continues the snail. "I want a bright, golden "S" painted on the doors, the hood and the trunk of my corvette."

"You shall have your wish," responds the Leprechaun. With the wave of his hand, the snail’s wish is granted.

And now, whenever the snail roars through the forrest in his shiny new corvette, with the big "S" on the side, all the other animals of the forrest say…
"Wow! Look at that crazy "S" car go!"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 19 May 2009, 3:50 pm

Razz lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 19 May 2009, 4:35 pm

Miseducation of Man and Woman:

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 19 May 2009, 9:14 pm

One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag.

"Hi, God. What’s in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help so much when I’m out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"

"Well, all right," says God. "Now, let’s see what we have for you, Eve." God rummages about a bit more in the bag.

"Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 20 May 2009, 12:08 am

affraid ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 20 May 2009, 11:55 am

Fast forward to 2004, it is just before England v Brasil at the
Millennium Stadium, an important European Championship qualifier game.
Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his
team mates looking a bit glum.
"What’s up?" he asks.
"Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We
know it’s important but it’s only England. They’re shite and we can’t be
bothered"
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by
myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play England by himself and the rest
of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so get they
landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"Brasil 1 – England 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)"
He is beating England all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until
someone remembers "It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on"
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Millennium Stadium :
Brasil 1(Rinaldo 10 minutes) – England 1 (D.Beckham 89 minutes).
They can’t believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against
England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him.
They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his
head
in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down"
"Don’t be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself.
And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I’ve let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 20 May 2009, 1:57 pm

Some people have
the nerve
to say football is
a girls game...
I'd scratch their
eyes out and rip
out their hair.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 20 May 2009, 4:47 pm

After hearing a couple's complaints
that their intimate life wasn't what
it used to be.. the sex councellor
suggests they vary their positions.

"For example"..
he says...

"You might try the wheelbarrow.

lift her legs from behind and off
you go".

The eager husband is all for
trying this new trick as soon
as they get home.

"Well okay"....

the hesitant wife
agrees.... but on
two conditions.

first....
"If it hurts you have to stop
right away and second"....

she continues...

"You have to promise me we won't
go past my parent's house".
silent
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 20 May 2009, 7:18 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
Some people have
the nerve
to say football is
a girls game...
I'd scratch their
eyes out and rip
out their hair.

Check out MyLF in the middle!! LMAO!! ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 20 May 2009, 7:23 pm

What did the ghost shake at the party?

Her boOoOo-ty

Who was the ghosts favorite former UN Secretary General?

BoOoOo-trous BoOoOo-trous Ghali

What disease frightens ghosts the most?

BoOoOo-bonic Plague

What do ghosts use to make beef or chicken broth?

BoOoOo-llion cubes

What sound do crying ghosts make?

BoOoOo-hoo

What was the ghosts favorite TV show?

BoOoOo-ffy the Vampire Slayer

Who was the ghosts favorite conservative intellectual?

William F. BoOoOo-ckley

What’s the difference between girl ghosts and boy ghosts?

BoOoOo-bies

Who was the ghost’s favorite crooner?

Pat BoOoOo-ne
What sound do ghost bombs make?

BoOoOo-m
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 20 May 2009, 7:24 pm

Be brave — ask US for more money.

Salt and pepper beard more.

Apply for US citizenship.

Lose weight — no more delicious McDonald’s cultural hegemony!

Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.

Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world’s sole superpower!"

Make the UN more bureaucratish.

Write resolution to write more resolutions condemning the rogue state of Luxembourg.

Talk to US President more in broader terms – "African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.

Finally count out Third World dues change jar.

Resolve to cut the word �Secretary� from title. �General Annan� catchier.

Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or �THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB�.

Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks.

Make sure diplomatic immunity applies to downloading illegal nude photos of that smoking broad Condi.

Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 20 May 2009, 7:24 pm

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the little girl next door came up and asked if she could play, too. He said, "okay."

Shortly he began bragging, "I have a big fire engine."

The girl responded, "So, I have a fire engine too. See!"

Only slightly put off he expressed, "I have a toy tank!"

She looked at it and quietly reached behind the sand box and pulled out a toy M1 Tank and said, "I have one, too."

The young boy almost in tears dropped his pants and says, "I have a penis!"

The little girl looked down her pants and burst into tears and ran home crying all the way.

The next day the lad is playing in his sand box when the little girl approaches. He says, "are you back for more? I told you I have a penis and you don’t!"

"Well," said the little girl, "my mom told me not to worry about it. She said I have one of these… and as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 21 May 2009, 4:15 pm

(Disclaimer: It's just a joke as I could care less about politics)

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.



One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!



His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.



Titanic:... Cost - $29.99

Clinton:... Cost - $29.99



Titanic:... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:... Over 3 hours to read



Titanic:... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton:... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.





Titanic:... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton:... Bill is a bullshit artist.



Titanic:... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton :.. Ditto for Bill.



Titanic:.... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton :... Ditto for Monica.



Titanic:... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton:... Let's not go there.



Titanic:.... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton :... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.



Titanic:.....Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton:.... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.



Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton:.... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either.



Titanic:.... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton:.... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 21 May 2009, 7:24 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 21 May 2009, 7:31 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL

_________________

     
   
"if its got tits or wheels it'l cost you money"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 21 May 2009, 7:36 pm

lol! ROFL ROFL applaus
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 21 May 2009, 7:37 pm

One day a lady ranch owner decided she needed a helping hand and posted a job advert in the local paper. A Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand,
"You’ve done a really good job and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one a.m. came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand.
He finally showed up around two-thirty and found the rancher’s widow
sitting by the fireplace.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He did.

"Now take off my skirt." He did.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"Now," she said "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,
"Don’t you EVER wear my clothes to town again!"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 21 May 2009, 8:00 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 22 May 2009, 11:17 am

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest’s prayer book together just before vespers.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a Proctologistimmediately before he examines you.

Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 22 May 2009, 12:43 pm

lol! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 22 May 2009, 1:34 pm

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false police report after he called 911 to report… his own murder. The man told the operator he had been "murdered, beaten, possibly kidnapped and thrown down on a bed of spikes." Police found the man a short time later, still on the convenience store pay-phone he had used to make the call. "It was obvious he hadn’t been murdered," said one of the arresting officers.

NO… WE’RE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOU

Two wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes — including a boa constrictor — hidden in the men’s pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling narcotics… but in the words of one investigator, "drugs don’t move around like that."

SAFETY FIRST
Four masked gunmen entered a bank in Jackson, Mississippi armed with automatic weapons and pulled a daring daylight heist. The bank’s armed security guard didn’t intervene to stop the robbery… because he was too busy hiding in the bank’s bathroom. The guard told police that when he heard people in the bank screaming, he went into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Jackson police declined to criticize the guard’s actions, noting that he could have been killed if the robbers had seen him.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT "DOPE?"

A man who showed up at the Knoxville, Tennessee, police department for a court-ordered safe driving class never made it — he ended up in jail instead. Police say the man was killing time waiting for the class to begin by smoking a joint in the police station parking lot. A passing police cadet smelled the odor of marijuana and approached the man’s car. When he spotted the uniformed cadet, the man backed out of the parking space so quickly he almost ran over her. The man drove out of the police lot…parked at a bank across the street… then returned to the police department property for traffic school. He was arrested instead. Good news for the luckless motorist: he wasn’t charged with a drug offense. The bad news: he was charged with aggravated assault with a vehicle.

OUR EXPERTISE IS FREE. AND YOU WILL BE TOO…IN ABOUT TEN YEARS

A pot farmer in Franklin, Tennessee was undone by his ego, a roll of film and an alert employee of a photo store. Franklin police commander Larry Barnes explains:

"This old boy had these nice plants growing…and
he took some nice 35-millimeter shots to show to his friends." Unfortunately for the
suspect, one of the photo experts at Wolf Camera & Video recognized the plants in the
pictures and made a call to police. Officers who searched the man’s residence found a
well-equipped indoor pot-growing operation set up in one of the home’s closets.

OH. WHEN YOU SAID ‘CLEAN IT,’ I THOUGHT…

An alleged drug dealer was arrested in Vero Beach, Florida after he took the wrong bag to the cleaners. When a worker at the store opened the bag he found, not laundry, but three pounds of marijuana.

DON’T WORRY MAN… I THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING

A group of drug smugglers hatched a
plan to empty the tank of a propane truck and use it to smuggle six thousand pounds of
marijuana across the border from Mexico into Texas. Though clever…the men were not too
bright: they were caught because they misspelled the name of the gas company they had
painted on the side of the truck.

NOW THAT’S WEIRD…

A woman in Bulls Gap, Tennessee reported to police that she was assaulted at her home by a man who struck her twice in the head with a dead squirrel and pushed her into a bathtub.

BET HE HAS TROUBLE FINDING THE TV REMOTE TOO

A Conyers, Georgia man who bought a used Mercedes convertible then reported it stolen found out that the car was equipped with one extra accessory he didn’t know about: a LoJack anti-theft tracking device. When police activated the device, they were able to quickly track the car down: it was parked in the man’s basement…along with three other cars that had recently been reported stolen.

LOOKS LIKE AN INSIDE JOB

A seven-year employee of Arizona State University in Phoenix was arrested and charged with stealing money and compact discs from a campus office. She has been charged with breaking and entering, burglary, and possession of burglary tools. The suspect is the coordinator of crime prevention programs at ASU. She was arrested at her office — which is located at the Phoenix police department.

WAKE UP, POPS… BEFORE SOMETHING STUPID HAPPENS!
A 72-year old murder defendant in Little Rock, Arkansas fell into a sound sleep as he awaited his case to be announced. He was still asleep when his two daughters and a public defender entered a not-guilty plea for him. At about that same moment, a man sitting next to the slumbering defendant shook him awake. Aroused from his slumber but not fully aware of the proceedings, the man jumped to his feet and shouted, "I plead guilty!" The judge in the case allowed the original not-guilty plea to stand.

HEY WAIT A MINUTE — THIS AIN’T THE GAP!

A robbery suspect in Suffield, Connecticut made a wrong turn while fleeing police and ended up in the lobby of a high-security prison. The suspect was being pursued by police who had spotted his car as matching the description of one used in a robbery a short time earlier. During the chase, the man pulled into the parking lot of Macdougal Correctional Institution, leaped from his car… and ran into the front lobby. "I believe he thought it was a mall," said one of the arresting officers. "But I’ve never seen too many malls with a razor wire across the top."

AND FINALLY…

Two thieves caused several thousand dollars damage to a funeral home in Arab, Alabama recently while trying to steal gas from a flower van parked outside the building. The pair had used a knife to cut a hole in the van’s fuel tank and were draining the gas into a container. The plan fell apart when one of the thieves lit a cigarette lighter so they could see how much gas they had gotten.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 23 May 2009, 11:51 am

A man in a hotel lobby
accidentally bumps a woman
in the breast with his elbow.
Quite apologetic, he turns to her
and says "If your heart is as soft
as your breast, you will surely
forgive me." She leans up
to him and whispers
"If your penis is as
hard as your elbow,
I’m in room 1221."
Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 23 May 2009, 3:10 pm

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 23 May 2009, 3:19 pm

Two counterfeiters had produced
thousands of genuine..looking
notes... £50... £20... £10...
and really they should have been
happy with their lot.

Much wants more...
and they scrambled through the
discarded notes that had not passed
close scrutiny.

Among the jumble they came upon
a perfectly fine note...
watermarked...
queen's head in exactly the
right place.

The only trouble was that the
amount shown was £18.

"Never mind"...
said Brown...
the bossman.

"We'll unload it when we're
over in Ireland".

And so they took the
note with them and...
whilst in Dublin...

they entered a corner
shop to dispense with it.

"Excuse me...
said Brown to the wee
irish shopkeeper .

"Have you got change
for an £18 note?".

"Indeed... sor"...

said Paddy....

"And would you like
three sixes....

or two nines?".
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 23 May 2009, 3:31 pm

The container truck was making
a very erratic run along the
highway.

It would travel about two
miles then stop.

Out would get tommy the
driver and he would bang
fiercely on the sides of
the vehicle.

The police patrol followed
him for about six miles
and then pulled him over.

"We've been watching your
performance... mate....

and we'd like to know what
you're doing".

"Well.. officer"...explained Tommy....

"This is a ten-ton truck...

and in the back I have twelve
tons of pigeons.

So I have to keep two tons
flying all the time!".
geek

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 24 May 2009, 8:56 am

lol! Razz
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 24 May 2009, 8:57 am

What a woman says:

“This place is a mess! C’mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear. if we don’t do laundry right now!” What a man hears: “blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW”
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 24 May 2009, 8:58 am

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were all ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA’s mission control center announced, ‘’This is mission control to Monkey One. Do your stuff.’’

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA’s mission control center announced, ‘’This is mission control to Monkey Two. Do your stuff.’’

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle seperated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later NASA’s mission control center announced, ‘’This is mission control to the astronaut…’’

At this the astronaut shouted ‘’I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.’’
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