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 THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Fri 08 May 2009, 12:47 pm

College rules.

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time
will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 09 May 2009, 12:09 am

It was opening night at the
Glasgow Empire and....

"The Amazing Claude"
was topping the bill.

People came from miles
around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage..
he announced that unlike
most stage hypnotists..
who invite 2 or 3 people up
onto the stage to be put into
a trance..

he intended to hypnotize the
whole audience.

The atmosphere was electric
as he withdrew a beautiful
antique watch from his coat.

"I want you to keep your eyes
on this watch.
It is a very special watch.
It has been in my family for
six generation".

Then he began to swing the
watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch..

watch the watch..

watch the watch.....".

The crowd became mesmerized
as the watch swayed back and
forth.. light gleaming off it's
polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch..

until suddenly it slipped from the
hypnotists fingers and fell to the
floor.. shattering into dozens
of pieces.

"Shit!!"... said the hypnotist...

It took five days to clean up
the theatre.
Shocked
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 09 May 2009, 12:12 am

Three men were sitting together..

bragging about how they
had given their wives duties.

The first man had married a
woman from England and
bragged that he had told his
wife she was going to do all
the dishes and house
cleaning that needed to be
done at their house.

He said that it took a couple
of days..
but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and
the dishes were all washed
and put away.

The second man had married
a woman from Ireland.

He bragged that he had given
his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning. the dishes..
and the cooking.

He told them that the first day
he didn’t see any results..
but the next day it was better.

By the third day..
his house was clean..
the dishes were done..
and he had a huge
dinner on the table.

The third had married a
Glasgow girl.

He said that he told her that
her duties were to keep the
house clean.. dishes washed..
laundry washed..
and hot meals on the table
for every meal.

He said the first day he
didn’t see anything..

the second day he didn’t
see anything..

but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a
little out of his left eye..

just enough to Wash the dishes..
load the Washing Machine..
and do The shopping.
geek
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 09 May 2009, 12:09 pm

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"

The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.

The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I’’m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 09 May 2009, 2:04 pm

ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 09 May 2009, 3:38 pm

What do you call an Amish
guy with his hand up a
horse's ass?.

A MECHANIC.
What a Face
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 09 May 2009, 3:49 pm

LMAO lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 09 May 2009, 3:50 pm

A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any peanuts. He says no. She comes back the next day with the same question and gets the same answer. She then comes back another day and asks him again. He says ‘’No, and if you come back I’ll nail your freakin’ hands to the table!‘’
So she comes back and asks him, ’’Do you have any nails?‘’
He says no.
’’Well then, do you have any peanuts?’’
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 09 May 2009, 4:35 pm

Three men were in a sauna. An Italian, a German, and a Pollack.

Suddenly, they heard a beeping noise. The Italian guy pushed a few buttons on his hand and then told the others that he had a chip installed in his hand to allow him to be paged.

Then, they heard a ring and the German man pushed a button on his hand and put his hand up to his ear and carried a conversation.

After pressing another button on his hand the German man said that he had a chip installed in his hand to allow him to receive calls.

The Polish man excuses himself to use the bathroom.

He comes back, with a piece of toilet paper trailing from his butt.

The other men laugh and point. The Polish man cranes his neck around to look.

He says, "Wow! I must have gotten a fax!"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sat 09 May 2009, 4:42 pm

lol! ROFL ROFL lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 9:18 am

A lawer just got home from work. As he stepped out of his BMW, a speeding car ripped off the door. As the lawyer jumped up and down cussing and swearing, a cop who was driving by stopped. He rolled down the window and said, "What’s wrong?"

The lawyer replied, "That idiot, speeding down the street, ripped off my BMW’s door!"

The cop said, "You lawyers make me sick. You worry too much about your possesions. If you weren’t blinded by greed, you would notice that your arm got ripped off!"

"Oh no!" cried the lawyer, "My Rolex!"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 9:33 am

applaus applaus
ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 9:35 am

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, ‘’I have something to tell you about your child…’’

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, ’’What’s wrong with it?’’

The doctor says, ’’There’s nothing really wrong with it, it’s just a little different! It’s a hermaphrodite.’’

The woman looks confused. ‘’A hermaphrodite, what’s that?’’

The doctor replies, ‘’It has both features of a male and a female.’’

The woman looks relieved. ‘’What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?’’
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 10:04 am

A Letter from an
Irish Mother.


Dear Son...

Just a few lines to let you
know I'm still alive.

I'm writing this slowly
because I know you can't
read fast.

You wont know the house
when you get home....

we've moved.

Your Father has a lovely
new job with 700 men under
him .....

he cuts grass at the cemetery.

There was a washing machine
at the new house....

but it's not working too good.

Last week I put in 12 shirts....

pulled the chain...

and I haven't seen them since.


Your Uncle Mick drowned last
week in a vat of Whisky at the
Dublin Distillery.

His mates tried to save him...

but he fought them off bravely.

He was cremated and it took
four days to put the fire out.

I saw the doctor last week
and your Father went with me.

The Doctor put a glass tube in
my mouth and told me not to
talk for five minuets.

Your Father wanted to buy it
from him.

It only rained twice this week...

first for four days...

the second for three days.


We had a letter from the
undertaker.

He said if the final payment
on your Grandmother's grave
wasn't paid in seven days .....
up she comes.

Your loving Ma
XXXX.






P.S.....

I was going to send you
some money but....

I'd already sealed the
envelope.

Yours to the bone .
Ma.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 10:44 am

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 10:47 am

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under a car’s hood. For a male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes ‘’look bigger.’’ Male: what you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 11:26 am

Late one night a drunk guy
is showing some friends
around his brand new
apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom...

where a big brass gong sits
next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?"..
the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong"...
the drunk replies.

"It's a talking clock".

"How does it work?".

The guys picks up a hammer...

gives the gong an ear-shattering
pound...

and steps back.

Suddenly..

someone on the otherside of
the wall screams....

"For God's sake...

you as*hole...

it's 3:30 in the
god damn morning!".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 11:47 am

A wealthy man was having an
affair with an Italian woman
for several years.

One night....

during one of their
rendezvous....

she confided in him that she
was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage....

he said he would pay her a
large sum of money if she
would move to Italy and
secretly have the child.

If she would raise the child....

he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed...

but asked how he would know
when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet....

he told her to simply mail him a
post card....

and write.....

"Spaghetti" on the back.

He would then arrange for child
support payments to begin.

One day....

about 7 months later....

he came home to his
confused wife.

"Honey".... she said....

"you received a very strange
postcard today".

"Oh....

just give it to me and
I'll explain it later"....
he said.

The wife obeyed....

and watched as her husband
read the card....

turned white....

and fainted.

On the card was written...

"Spaghetti...

Spaghetti...

Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs...

one without".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 11:51 am

What if Data Ran Windows98?

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]

PICARD: Data, what’s wrong here?

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?

PICARD: Make it so. [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

DATA: Aye, sir. [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

PICARD: Shields up!

DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those shields up right now.

DATA: I’m sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. [LaForge pulls Data’s left ear.]

PICARD: Shields… [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher’s station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]

PICARD: Up, Data!

DATA: Aye, sir.

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.

WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data’s setup implants?

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

LAFORGE: What!!? I thought you still had them!

PICARD: Data, don’t you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.

PICARD: Data, I don’t have Setup Implant #1.

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Abort!

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]

LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn’t knowledgeable about androids of Data’s model. She specialized in industrial control robots. [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]

PICARD: What’s going on?

LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can’t really do anything with them. [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]

FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 12:02 pm

lol! lol!
ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 12:12 pm

Joan...

who was a rather
well-proportioned secretary..

spent almost all of her vacation
sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel.

She wore a bathing suit
the first day...
but on the second...

she decided that no one
could see her way up there...

and she slipped out of it for
an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she
heard someone running up
the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach...

so she just pulled a towel over
her rear.

"Excuse me... miss"...

said the flustered assistant
manager of the hotel...

out of breath from running
up the stairs.

"The Hilton doesn't mind your
sunbathing on the roof....

but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a
bathing suit as you did
yesterday".

"What difference does
it make?"....

Joan asked rather calmly.

"No one can see me up here...

and besides....

I'm covered with a towel".

"Not exactly"....
said the embarrassed man.

"You're lying on the
dining room skylight".
Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 12:54 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 12:54 pm

A pollock walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms. We have some for 75 cents a peace. The man asks for two. The pharmacist calculates the total and says,
"That will be $1.58 with tax, sir."

The pollock says, "Oh, these come with tacks? I was wondering how you keep them on."
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 1:10 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Sun 10 May 2009, 9:17 pm

Men are always whining about how we women suffocate them.

Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you’re not holding the pillow hard enough!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 7:13 am

Luigi and Paulo were fishing in
the Mediterranean sea one sunny
day when a World War II mine came
floating along.

On seeing this round...... spikey object
coming nearer and nearer..

Luigi shouts at his friend........

"Hey Paulo... it's a mine... it's a mine!"

Paulo replies....

"O.K. Luigi.... you can-a have it!".
Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 11:24 am

lol! Funny
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 11:24 am

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his friend he was going to the doctor. His friend told him to go to the pharmacy where there is a machine that for ten dollars and a urine sample will tell you what is wrong with you. So he went to the pharmacy and put the ten dollars and his urine sample in. After a minute a paper came out and said that he has tennis elbow and he should soak his elbow in warm water for the next two weeks. That night, he decided the machine must be a fraud.

So, the next day he made a mixture of tap water, his daughter’s urine, his dog’s urine — and he added some of his own semen to it. He brought it to the pharmacy and put ten dollars and the stuff in. After a minute the paper came out and said, ‘’The tap water has lead, the dog has worms, your daughter is on drugs and she’s not your daughter.’’
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 3:40 pm

MaRiNe {KAN} wrote:
There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his friend he was going to the doctor. His friend told him to go to the pharmacy where there is a machine that for ten dollars and a urine sample will tell you what is wrong with you. So he went to the pharmacy and put the ten dollars and his urine sample in. After a minute a paper came out and said that he has tennis elbow and he should soak his elbow in warm water for the next two weeks. That night, he decided the machine must be a fraud.

So, the next day he made a mixture of tap water, his daughter’s urine, his dog’s urine — and he added some of his own semen to it. He brought it to the pharmacy and put ten dollars and the stuff in. After a minute the paper came out and said, ‘’The tap water has lead, the dog has worms, your daughter is on drugs and she’s not your daughter.’’



LA sapevo ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 3:48 pm

You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes
anymore.

Your potted plants stay alive.

Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

You have to pay your own credit card bill.

You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a
year.

8:00 a.m. is not early.

You have to file your own taxes.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator
at work.

You’re not carded anymore.

You carry an umbrella.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of
hook-up and break-up.

You start watching the Weather Channel.

Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in
your wardrobe.

You can no longer take shots, and smoking
gives you a sinus attack.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

You go to parties that the police don’t
raid.

Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about
sex in front of you.

Your car insurance goes down, except when
you move to Jersey.

You refer to college students as kids.

You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead
of beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of
Taco Bell.

You’re waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to
bed.

College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of
dress up.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon
and 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie — the whole date instead
of the beginning of one.

You get your news from sources other than
USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and MTV News.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and
Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at
breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively
healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per
night, "I just can’t put it down like I used to."

Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

You decide your parents weren’t as dumb as
you thought!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 4:49 pm

this writing it by hand and then translated

A couple decided to have a child, and went to a gynecologist to know how could I do to have an intelligent child, the doctor told him that if at the time of the report (he) would have put 2 inches of the penis stupid child would come, if would put 4 inches, would come smart, it would have put all the sentences came a scientist.
So the couple put in place and conceived a son.
But during its growth phase, the mother saw that something was wrong, and after that the son ripetette 2 times the first primary, he called dad and asked: But that night we made love, you put everything inside the penis ?
dad: Yes, I love so thorough that I did not understand anything.
Mom: So I know that you have inserted the balls.
dad: Why do you say that?
Mom: And with a child coglione what I think?
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 6:10 pm

A woman gets onto a
bus with her baby.

The bus driver says....

"That's the ugliest baby
that I've ever seen... Ugh!".

The woman goes to the
rear of the bus and sits
down.... fuming.

She says to a man next to
her....

"The driver just insulted me!"

The man says....

"There's no call for that.

You go right up there and
tell him off.

Go ahead......

I'll hold your monkey for you".

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 6:11 pm

A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down the road one day. Her boyfriend suggests that they play road games and that whoever loses has to strip. They play every game known to man and the girl loses every time. Soon she is bare naked. The boy takes a long look and runs off the road. They slide into a tree and the boy is trapped in the car. He yells to his girlfriend, ‘’Quick, go get help!’’

She says, ‘’I can’t, I’m naked.’’

He hands her a shoe to cover with. Desperately she covers her ‘’lower parts’’ and runs to the road. She flags down a truck driver and yells, ‘’Help me, my boyfriend is stuck.’’

The truck driver replies,‘’Honey, if he’s that far gone, I don’t think we can get him out again!’’
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 6:18 pm

ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 6:23 pm

Q: What’s the difference between a dead lawer in the middle of the road and a dead rattlesnake in the middle of the road?

A: There is skid marks before the snake
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 7:48 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Mon 11 May 2009, 9:02 pm

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for
lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they
will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and
John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the
pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn’t want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical
woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t
looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she
gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a
man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t
change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water
the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to
bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her
children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There’s no use in two people remembering the
same thing.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 12 May 2009, 12:27 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 12 May 2009, 12:35 am

Two Arabs are sitting in a
Gaza Strip bar chatting
over a pint of fermented
goat’s milk.

One pulls his wallet out
and starts flipping through
pictures and they start
reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son...

he’s a martyr" .

"This is my second son.

He is a martyr also".

After a pause and a
deep sigh....

the second Arab says
wistfully....

"They blow up so fast...
don’t they?" .

Wink
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 12 May 2009, 11:25 am

lol! ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Tue 12 May 2009, 11:26 am

An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research.

‘’How much is this one?’’ he asked. ‘’Well that one is a monkey brain and it’s $20,’’ he explained.

‘’How much is that one?’’ he asked ‘’Well that one is a female brain and its $100.’’ he explained.

‘’And how much is that one?’’ he asked. ‘’That one is a male’s brain and it is $500’’ he explained.

‘’Why so expensive?’’ the alien asked. ‘’Well it has hardly been used!’’
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 May 2009, 12:20 am

An old woman is riding in an
elevator in a very lavish
downtown Toronto building....

when a young and beautiful
woman gets into the elevator...

smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and
says arrogantly...

"Romance" by Ralph Lauren...

$150 an ounce!".

Then another young and beautiful
woman gets on the elevator...

and also very arrogantly turns to
the old woman saying....

"Channel No. 5... $200 an ounce!".

About three floors later...

the old woman has reached her
destination and is about to get off
the elevator.

Before she leaves.....

she looks both beautiful women
in the eye....

then bends over and farts
and says...........

"Broccoli 49 cents a pound".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 May 2009, 11:21 am

lol! ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 May 2009, 11:21 am

A farmhand is driving ‘round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling — what should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what’s the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 May 2009, 11:48 am

Hearts and roses and kisses galore…

What the hell is that schtuff for

People get mushy and start acting queer

It’s definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.

Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid’s ass.

I’ll spend the day so drunk I can’t speak

And wear all black for the rest of the week.

Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade

For all they are doing is trying to get laid.

The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,

Because I think love is a bunch of $#!+.

So there’s my story… what can I say�

Love bites ass… SCREW VALENTINE’S DAY!
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 May 2009, 12:59 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL

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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 May 2009, 1:14 pm

There's a Marine....

an Airforce Commando...

a Navy Seal...

and a Green Beret sitting
around a campfire telling
each-other how mean
and tough they are.

The Marine says...

"I can swim 50 miles and
bite the head off a live
chicken.

One Marine is worth 5
other men".

The Airforce Commando
says .....

"I can clear runways
one-handed and kill a man
with my bare hands.

One Airforce Commando is
worth 10 other men".

The Navy Seal says....

"Yeah?....

Well I can dive up to 90
feet without air...

and I'm an expert in
demolitions.

One Navy Seal is worth
13 other men".

The Green Beret just sat
there all this time saying
nothing....

stirring the fire with
his dick.

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 May 2009, 1:22 pm

lol! ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Wed 13 May 2009, 1:23 pm

Ways to Say "He's Dumb"

1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
2. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
3. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
5. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
6. A few clowns short of a circus.
7. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
8. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
9. A few beers short of a six-pack.
10. Dumber than a box of hair.
11. A few peas short of a casserole.
12. One taco short of a combination plate.
13. All foam, no beer.
14. The cheese slid off his cracker.
15. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
16. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 2
17. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
18. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
19. As smart as bait.
20. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
21. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
22. Surfing in Nebraska.
22. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most.
23. One sandwich short of a picnic.
24. The light’s on, but nobody’s home.
25. If dumb were dirt, he’d cover about an acre.
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PostSubject: Re: THE UNOFFICIAL "OFFICIAL" PUBLIC JOKE SECTION   Thu 14 May 2009, 12:36 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL
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