Not the best thing to tell your better half

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand.

glasgow humour....



Scottish Guy Needs The Toilet

LMAO!!!

The testicles of a Texas midget
hurt and ached almost all the
time.

The midget went to the doctor
and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his
pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto
the examining table.. and started
to examine him.

The doc put one finger under
his left testicle and told the Midget
to turn his head and cough..

the usual method to check for
a hernia.

"Aha!"

mumbled the doc.. and as he
put his finger under the right
testicle...
he asked the midget to cough
again.

"Aha!"
said the doctor once more..
and reached for his surgical
scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on
the right side... then...

snip-snip-snip-snip on
the left side.

The midget was so scared
he was afraid to look..

but noted with amazement
that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget
to walk around the examining
room to see if his testicles
still hurt.

The midget was absolutely
delighted as he walked around
and discovered his boys were
no longer aching.

The doctor said...

"How does that feel now"?.

The midget replied...

"Perfect Doc.. and I didn't
even feel it.
What did you do"?

The doctor replied....

"I cut two inches off
the top of your cowboy
boots"....

It was opening night at the
Glasgow Empire and....

"The Amazing Claude"
was topping the bill.

People came from miles
around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage..
he announced that unlike
most stage hypnotists..
who invite 2 or 3 people up
onto the stage to be put into
a trance..

he intended to hypnotize the
whole audience.

The atmosphere was electric
as he withdrew a beautiful
antique watch from his coat.

"I want you to keep your eyes
on this watch.
It is a very special watch.
It has been in my family for
six generation".

Then he began to swing the
watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch..

watch the watch..

watch the watch.....".

The crowd became mesmerized
as the watch swayed back and
forth.. light gleaming off it's
polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch..

until suddenly it slipped from the
hypnotists fingers and fell to the
floor.. shattering into dozens
of pieces.

"Shit!!"... said the hypnotist...

It took five days to clean up
the theatre.

Eew! That was quite crappy!

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life -like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a State Trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

You have two choices in life...

You can stay single and
be miserable...

or get married and
wish you were dead.
...................................
When the new school year started
the history teacher was so excited
because there were three little
Indian boys in her class.

She was beside herself with
excitement.

So she asks the first little Indian boy
to stand up and tell the class what
tribe he was from and how he
knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly
throws out his chest and takes his fist
and hits it on his chest.

He says in a booming voice

"I am a Cherokee.

My Father and I walked for many
moons and one day my Father says

son.. you see all this land.

This is Cherokee land.

So.. I know I am a Cherokee".

The teacher says very good and
asks the next little Indian boy
to stand.

The little boy stands up and proudly
throws out his chest & takes his fist
and hits it on his chest.

He says in a booming voice

"I am a Comanche.

My Father and I walked for many
moons and one day my Father says

son..you see all this land.

This is Comanche land.

So... I know I am a Comanche".

The teacher is growing more
excited by the moment and asks
the last little Indian boy to stand up.

The little boy stands up and proudly
throws out his chest and takes his fist
and hits it on his chest.

He says in a booming voice

"I am a Faucarwee".

The teacher looks dumb founded
and says..

“I don’t think there is any such
tribe as the Faucarwee".

The little boy says..

“My Father and I walked for many
days and many nights..

and many nights and many days.

We ran out of water..

but we kept walking.

With no rest..
we were getting weary.

Finally..
one day my Father stops and

with his hand to shield the sun
from his eyes.. looks around.

“He said hummmm....

where the Faucarwee”.

two guys were talking in a bar.

"Well he was on his way over
to my house the other day and
when he arrived outside the
house he didn't brake properly
and boom...

He hit the pavement and the car
flips up and he crashed through
the sunroof...
Went flying through the air and
smashed through my upstairs
bedroom window".

"What a horrible way to die!".

"No no.. he survived that..
that didn't kill him at all.

So.. he's landed in my upstairs
bedroom and he's all covered
in broken glass on the floor.
Then.. he spots the big old antique
wardrobe we have in the room
and reaches up for the handle
to try to pull himself up.

He's just dragging himself up
when bang..

this massive wardrobe comes
crashing down on top of him..

crushing him and breaking most
of his bones".

"What a way to go..

that's terrible!".

"No no.. that didn't kill him
he survived that.

He managed to get the wardrobe
off him and crawls out onto the landing..

he tries to pull himself up on
the banister but under his weight..
the banister breaks and he goes
falling down on to the first floor.

In mid air..all the broken banister
poles spin and fall on him..

pinning him to the floor..

sticking right through him".

"Now that is the most unfortunate
way to go!".

"No no.. that didn't kill him..

he even survived that.

So he's on the downstairs landing..
just beside the kitchen.

He crawls in to the kitchen..
tries to pull himself up on the cooker..

but reached for a big pot of boiling
hot water.. whoosh..

the whole thing came down on him
and burned most of his skin off him".

"Man.. what a way to go!".

"No no.. he survived that..
he survived that !

He's lying on the ground..

covered in boiling water and
he spots the phone and tries to
pull himself up.. to call
for help..

but instead he grabs the light
switch and pulls the whole thing
off the wall and the water and
electricity didn't mix and so he
got electrocuted..

wallop, 10,000 volts
shot through him".

"Now that is one awful
way to go!".

"No no..he survived that..he ..."

"Hold on now..

"just how the hell did he die?".

"I shot him!".

"You shot him?..

What the hell did you shoot
him for?".

"He was wrecking my house".

A man is in bed with his wife when
there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock..

and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time"..
he thinks.. and rolls over.

Then.. a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?"..
says his wife.

So.. he drags himself out of bed
and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is a
man standing at the door.

It doesn't take the homeowner
Long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there".. slurs the stranger.

"Can you give me a push?"

"No.. get lost!.. It's half past three!

I was in bed!" screams the man as
he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells
his wife what happened.

She remarks.. "Dave.. that wasn't
very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick
the kids up from the baby sitter and
you had to knock on that man's house
to get us started again?
What would have happened if he'd
told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk"..
says the husband.

"It doesn't matter"..
explains the wife.

"He needs our help and
it would be nice to help him".

So.. the husband gets out of
bed again.. gets dressed..and
goes downstairs.

He opens the door but he can't
see the stranger anywhere in
the dark.. so he shouts..

"Hey... do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out..

"Yes.. please".

"Where are you?"
shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back..
"I'm over here.. on your swing."