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 IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS

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Lady of Winter {KAN}
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PostSubject: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 04 Feb 2009, 2:30 pm

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck food?"

The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it."

The duck says, "Okay" and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck food?"

Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck food, we've never had duck food and we never will have duck food. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor."

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No".

"Got any duck food?" lol!


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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 04 Feb 2009, 3:52 pm

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck to the
veterinarian's office.

As she lay her pet on the table... the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two..the vet shook his
head sadly and said...

"I'm so sorry..your pet duck Cuddles has
passed away."

The distressed owner wailed..

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead"..
he replied.

"How can you be so sure"...
she protested...

"I mean... you haven't done any
testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes... turned around and
left the room...and returned a few moments
later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement..
the dog stood on his hind legs.. put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the lab and led it out of the
exam room.

He returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
delicately at the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches..shook its head
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said..

"I'm sorry..but as I said.. this is most definitely
100% certifiably..a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal...
hit a few keys and produced a bill..which he
handed to the woman.

The duck's owner..still in shock.. took the bill.

She screamed, "Ģ150...Ģ150 just to tell me
my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged.

"I'm sorry... If you'd taken my word for it..
the bill would have been Ģ20.. but with the lab
report and the cat scan, it's now Ģ150" .
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 04 Feb 2009, 8:31 pm

This goes here

no no

Only joking :)
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 05 Feb 2009, 6:34 pm

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 05 Feb 2009, 8:33 pm

OMG duck!!!! don't get wood Rolling Eyes ROFL ROFL ROFL

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 05 Feb 2009, 8:54 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Sat 07 Feb 2009, 7:25 am

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away.'

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead', he replied.

'How can you be so sure?' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something.'

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.'

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

'Ģ150!' she cried, 'Ģ150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!'

The vet shrugged.' I'm sorry. If you' d taken my word for it, the bill would have been Ģ20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now Ģ150.'

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Sat 07 Feb 2009, 8:55 am

ROFL ROFL lol!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Sat 07 Feb 2009, 1:53 pm

L.O.W.

here's a duck joke
........

There was a bar man who
owned a duck who danced
on a tin box.

He sold it to another bar man
who phoned him later asking

"how do you make him stop".

He replied

"Open the tin and blow
out the candles!"
Wink
..........
OR....

A duck walks into a pub and orders
a pint of beer and a
ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says..

"Hang on! You're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working"..
replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working
too".. says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind.. can I
have my beer and my sandwich
please?'

"Certainly.. sorry about that"..

says the barman as he pulls the
duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks
in this pub.
What are you doing round this way?".

'I'm working on the building site
across the road"
explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer".

The flabbergasted barman cannot
believe the duck and wants to learn
more.. but takes the hint when the
duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.

So.. the duck reads his paper.. drinks
his beer.. eats his sandwich..bids the
barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for
a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus.. aren't you?

Well.. I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus.

He talks..drinks beer.. eats sandwiches
reads the newspaper and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous".. says the ringmaster
handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes
into the pub the barman says...

"Hey Mr. Duck..
I reckon I can line you up with a top job
paying really good money".

"I'm always looking for the next job"..
says the duck.

"Where is it?".

"At the circus".. says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right".. replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"That place with the big tent?".

"Yeah".. the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in
cages.. and performers who live
in caravans?".. says the duck.

"Of course".. the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides
and a big canvas roof with a hole
in the middle?".. persists the duck.

"That's right!"..says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in
amazement..and says .....

"What the f@@k would they want
with a plasterer?".
Very Happy

-----------
A duck walks into a pub and
says to the barman...

"Has my brother been in here?".

The barman says..

"What does he look like?".

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Sun 08 Feb 2009, 4:30 am

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Mon 09 Feb 2009, 6:43 pm

A duck walks into a pharmacy..and
asks for Chapstick.

The cashier says..
"Cash or check?"
and the duck says..
"Just put it on my bill."
...............................

A motorist in a Mercedes was driving
through the countryside on a beautiful
Saturday afternoon.. having a lovely
time.. when he came to an area of
the road that was covered with a
rather large puddle of water from
a previous rain storm.

Worried that he was going to damage
the car and its engine in the deep
water..he asked a local farmer
(who just happened to be standing
near the large pool of water) how
deep the water was.

"Arr"..said the local farmer

"That water only be a few inches deep!".

Relieved..the motorist edged his car
into the water.. expecting to come
out the other side in no time.

Instead.. as he drove in.. the water
came right up the side of the car...
and the engine sputtered to a halt.

Sitting there in the water...
floating weed lapping
at the window.. the motorist yelled
at the local angrily...

"I thought you said this water was
only a few inches deep!!!"

"Well"..replied the local farmer

"It only come up to the waist
of them there ducks!
...............................................
A rather long duck joke.
..................................
A father and son live on a farm

One day the father says.. "Son..
things haven't been going very
well and I'm afraid we'll have to
sell your duck...

I'm really sorry.. but we need
the money.

I want you to take the duck to
town and bring back the money".

So the son takes the duck and
sets off down the road.

Halfway to town he runs into a
hooker.

She says..

"Hey kid.. I could show you a
really good time if you're
interested."

He replies..

"I'd sure like to.. but all I have
to pay with is this duck."

Well.. she says..

"maybe we can work something
out".

So they go off into the bushes
and the branches are snapping
and feathers flying...
When they come out.. she is
breathless and says..

"Wow! That was incredible!
Not bad for a kid.
Tell you what..if you can do
that again.. I'll give you back
your duck".

As you might guess..
he's all for that idea.. So they
return to the bushes and get
it on again.

When they are done she is still
amazed at his abilities.

She says to him..

"I've got this friend who's
husband is a real loser.
He hasn't even been able to
get it up in years.. let alone
satisfy her when he could.

I'm gonna send you to her.

Just let me call ahead."

She calls her friend and tells
her..

"You won't believe this kid I'm
gonna send over to you.

He is the best I've had in years.

He's just what you need."

What none of them know is
that the woman's husband is
listening in on the other phone.

The kid sets off for the woman's
house and the husband meets him
on the road and says..
"Look boy.. I'll give you a dollar if
you just turn around now and forget
all about my wife".

Not being the brightest kid.. he
agrees and turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back
down the road and the duck is still
under his arm.

He knows his boy is dumb.. but the
instructions were easy!!.. He says..
"Son..what the hell happened?
I told you to go to town and sell
the duck!!".

"Dad".. he says.. "You wouldn't
believe the day I've had!

First..I got a f@ck for the duck..
then I got the duck for a f@ck..
then I got a buck to duck a f@ck..
and I still have the fu@king duck!".

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Mon 09 Feb 2009, 8:26 pm

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ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Tue 10 Feb 2009, 10:35 am

One day a lady went into a fishing
shop to buy her husband a fishing
pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking
pole and asked the salesman how
much it was.

The sales man says..

"I am blind but if you give me the
pole I can tell how much it is by
the weight".

So the lady gives him the pole
and he says..
"That pole is worth Ģ45".

She was amazed at how cheap
that was.

So then she picked up another
really nice pole..hands it to the
man and he says..

"This pole is worth Ģ55".

She decided that was also really
cheap.

And then she picks the nicest
looking pole in the place and
handed it to the man and he says..

"This pole is our best and it is Ģ70".
She told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole
all rung up..she had to break wind
really really badly.

She decided since the man was
blind that it really wouldn't matter
if she broke wind in front of him
so she just let it loose.

All of a sudden the man says..

"It all comes up to Ģ80."

Confused the lady says to him..

"But you said the fishing pole
was only Ģ70."

He said...

"It is. Its Ģ70 for the fishing pole...

and Ģ10 for the duck call."
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Tue 10 Feb 2009, 2:10 pm

omg!!! ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Tue 10 Feb 2009, 2:14 pm

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:46 pm

A man invites a friend to watch
his prize duck hunting dog at work.

They approach the first pond..
the dog runs ahead into the brush.

He comes back and waves his tail once.
The owner tells his friend that this
means there is one duck on the pond.

They walk up,,and sure enough..
one duck flies off.

At the second pond..the dog waves
his tail three times.

The owner explains that this means
there are three ducks on the pond.

When they walk up..exactly three
ducks take flight.

At the third pond..the dog runs back
and forth.. humping the hunters legs
and chasing his tail.

The friend asks what in the world
this means.

The owner explains...

"This means there are so many
f**king ducks on that pond..

he can't even count them."
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Sat 14 Feb 2009, 11:55 am

A primary teacher handed
out a colouring page to her
class.

ON it was a picture of a duck
holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to
color the duck yellow and the
umbrella green.

But sandy the class rebel
colored the duck in bright fire
truck red.

After seeing this.. the teacher
asked him..

"Sandy how many times have
you seen a red duck?"

Young Sandy replied..

"The same number of times
I've seen a duck holding
an umbrella."
Very Happy


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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Sat 14 Feb 2009, 1:25 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Mon 16 Feb 2009, 5:40 am

caught short....


refreshing....
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Mon 16 Feb 2009, 2:48 pm




lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Mon 16 Feb 2009, 4:04 pm

applaus applaus applaus applaus
ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Tue 17 Feb 2009, 1:50 pm

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 18 Feb 2009, 8:18 pm



lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 18 Feb 2009, 8:39 pm

Man this whole thread is just plain bonkers!

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 19 Feb 2009, 6:11 am

my little friend wrote:
Man this whole thread is just plain bonkers!


sry mlf, this is considered inappropriate posting...please move this post to the "all about gooses" thread

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 19 Feb 2009, 3:51 pm

funny... ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 19 Feb 2009, 8:20 pm

TomOnFire {KAN} wrote:
my little friend wrote:
Man this whole thread is just plain bonkers!


sry mlf, this is considered inappropriate posting...please move this post to the "all about gooses" thread

ROFL ROFL ROFL
German pragmatism once again gets in the way of humour lol!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Fri 20 Feb 2009, 4:33 pm

Anyone up for a game of bowling?

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Tue 24 Feb 2009, 9:18 pm

Sorry I thought these were Duke jokes..........lmao. Funny stuff! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 25 Feb 2009, 12:10 am

Yes, some are but it's all things Ducks!! Quacks me up!
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PostSubject: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 25 Feb 2009, 3:18 am

OH NO MY EYES AN EARS party party
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 25 Feb 2009, 1:09 pm

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 25 Feb 2009, 1:14 pm

http://www.motivatedphotos.com/?id=6801 affraid
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 25 Feb 2009, 2:47 pm

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:37 am

i stumbled across this,thought you might like it! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:36 am

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Fri 27 Feb 2009, 7:16 am

Three little ducks go
into a Bar

"Say.. what's your name?"

the bartender asked the
first duck.

"Huey"
was the reply.

"How's your day
been Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day...
Had a ball.

Been in and out of
puddles all day.

What else could a
duck want?"
said Huey.

"Oh.. That's nice"
said the bartender.

He turned to the
second duck.

"Hi...and what's your
name?"

"Dewey"

came the answer from
duck number two.

"So how's your day
been.. Dewey?"
he asked.

"Great. Lovely day.
I've had a ball too.

Been in and out of
puddles all day myself...

What else could a duck
want?"

The bartender turned to
the third duck and said..
"So.. you must be Louie?"

"No"....

she said... batting her
eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles".
Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Sat 28 Feb 2009, 2:42 pm

Photobucket

PUDDLES lol!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Sun 01 Mar 2009, 10:03 pm

It has a duck in it! tongue
A young middle aged lawyer was out hunting duck one day when He saw a duck sitting by this fence, it was one of the biggest ducks he'd ever seen so he dropped, took aim and fired, hit the duck in one shot.
Well feeling pretty proud of him self for that great shot he walks over and hops the fence to get his duck and is bending over to get it when he hears a click behind him and turns around to see a farmer standing there with a shot gun pointed at him.
The farmer looks at the lawyer and says what are you doing on my property, the Lawyer looks up and replies I was just getting my duck I just shot. the farmer looking around says this is my land so that's my duck and the lawyer not wanting to give up with out a fight says I'm the biggest lawyer in town and if you don't give me the duck I will pull you into a lawsuit so deep Ill own the farm when I'm done.
The farmer looking the young man over say ya I thought you were one of those people but you see we have a different way of settling stuff out here which is I get to do 3 Kicks and the you do three kicks and the one to give up first loses and winner takes all.
well the young man thought it over and looking at the old farmer there decided he didn't want to waste his time in the court room with this and besides the this farmer looked like he should be holding a walker instead of a shotgun so the young man said Ill take you up on that so the to men positioned them selves to start and the young man not wanting to hurt the guy to much said that the farmer could go first.
well the first kick sent the Lawyer to the ground the Second he cot right in the gut knocking the breath out of him and the third hit him square in the back knocking him to the mud the farmer sort of step back as the lawyer gets up and barely is Able to whisper OK my turn. the farmer sort of looks the man over and turns around grabs his shot gun starts to walk off and turns and says oh "I give up you can have the duck."
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Mon 02 Mar 2009, 8:24 pm

Photobucket

MyLf, out on the town again. He just quacks me up!!!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Mon 02 Mar 2009, 8:56 pm

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:


MyLf, out on the town again. He just quacks me up!!!

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Mon 02 Mar 2009, 9:54 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Mon 02 Mar 2009, 10:35 pm

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:
Photobucket

MyLf, out on the town again. He just quacks me up!!!

lol! lol! lol! lol!
dam it... wearing no trousers again!!
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Lady of Winter {KAN}
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Wed 04 Mar 2009, 3:23 pm

Photobucket

Shhh - I'm hiding from Golden Girl.
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 05 Mar 2009, 11:22 am

When Dan found out he was
going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died..

he decided he needed a
woman to enjoy it with.

So.. one evening he went
to a singles bar where he
spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his
breath away.

"I may look like just an
ordinary man"...
he said as he walked up
to her...

"but in just a week or two...
my father will die...
and I'll inherit 20 million pounds".

Impressed... the woman went
home with him that evening and...

three days later...
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much
smarter than men!.
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 05 Mar 2009, 1:27 pm

lol! lol! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 05 Mar 2009, 5:47 pm

Photobucket

Now that was funny MyLF. I remember that game!!


Last edited by Lady of Winter {KAN} on Fri 06 Mar 2009, 1:48 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Thu 05 Mar 2009, 5:51 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Fri 06 Mar 2009, 1:21 am

ROFL ROFL

cod 4 easy as pie?
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Lady of Winter {KAN}
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PostSubject: Re: IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DUCKS   Sun 08 Mar 2009, 10:25 pm

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