A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck food?"

The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it it so we don't carry it."

The duck says, "Okay" and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck food?"

Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck food, we've never had duck food and we never will have duck food. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor."

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No".

"Got any duck food?"

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck to the
veterinarian's office.

As she lay her pet on the table... the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two..the vet shook his
head sadly and said...

"I'm so sorry..your pet duck Cuddles has
passed away."

The distressed owner wailed..

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead"..
he replied.

"How can you be so sure"...
she protested...

"I mean... you haven't done any
testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes... turned around and
left the room...and returned a few moments
later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement..
the dog stood on his hind legs.. put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the lab and led it out of the
exam room.

He returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
delicately at the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches..shook its head
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said..

"I'm sorry..but as I said.. this is most definitely
100% certifiably..a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal...
hit a few keys and produced a bill..which he
handed to the woman.

The duck's owner..still in shock.. took the bill.

She screamed, "£150...£150 just to tell me
my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged.

"I'm sorry... If you'd taken my word for it..
the bill would have been £20.. but with the lab
report and the cat scan, it's now £150" .

This goes here



Only joking :)

OMG duck!!!! don't get wood

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away.'

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead', he replied.

'How can you be so sure?' she protested. 'I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something.'

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.'

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

'£150!' she cried, '£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!'

The vet shrugged.' I'm sorry. If you' d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.'

ROFL ROFL

L.O.W.

here's a duck joke
........

There was a bar man who
owned a duck who danced
on a tin box.

He sold it to another bar man
who phoned him later asking

"how do you make him stop".

He replied

"Open the tin and blow
out the candles!"

..........
OR....

A duck walks into a pub and orders
a pint of beer and a
ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says..

"Hang on! You're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working"..
replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working
too".. says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind.. can I
have my beer and my sandwich
please?'

"Certainly.. sorry about that"..

says the barman as he pulls the
duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks
in this pub.
What are you doing round this way?".

'I'm working on the building site
across the road"
explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer".

The flabbergasted barman cannot
believe the duck and wants to learn
more.. but takes the hint when the
duck pulls out a newspaper from his
bag and proceeds to read it.

So.. the duck reads his paper.. drinks
his beer.. eats his sandwich..bids the
barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for
a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus.. aren't you?

Well.. I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus.

He talks..drinks beer.. eats sandwiches
reads the newspaper and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous".. says the ringmaster
handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes
into the pub the barman says...

"Hey Mr. Duck..
I reckon I can line you up with a top job
paying really good money".

"I'm always looking for the next job"..
says the duck.

"Where is it?".

"At the circus".. says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right".. replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"That place with the big tent?".

"Yeah".. the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in
cages.. and performers who live
in caravans?".. says the duck.

"Of course".. the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides
and a big canvas roof with a hole
in the middle?".. persists the duck.

"That's right!"..says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in
amazement..and says .....

"What the f@@k would they want
with a plasterer?".


-----------
A duck walks into a pub and
says to the barman...

"Has my brother been in here?".

The barman says..

"What does he look like?".

A duck walks into a pharmacy..and
asks for Chapstick.

The cashier says..
"Cash or check?"
and the duck says..
"Just put it on my bill."
...............................

A motorist in a Mercedes was driving
through the countryside on a beautiful
Saturday afternoon.. having a lovely
time.. when he came to an area of
the road that was covered with a
rather large puddle of water from
a previous rain storm.

Worried that he was going to damage
the car and its engine in the deep
water..he asked a local farmer
(who just happened to be standing
near the large pool of water) how
deep the water was.

"Arr"..said the local farmer

"That water only be a few inches deep!".

Relieved..the motorist edged his car
into the water.. expecting to come
out the other side in no time.

Instead.. as he drove in.. the water
came right up the side of the car...
and the engine sputtered to a halt.

Sitting there in the water...
floating weed lapping
at the window.. the motorist yelled
at the local angrily...

"I thought you said this water was
only a few inches deep!!!"

"Well"..replied the local farmer

"It only come up to the waist
of them there ducks!
...............................................
A rather long duck joke.
..................................
A father and son live on a farm

One day the father says.. "Son..
things haven't been going very
well and I'm afraid we'll have to
sell your duck...

I'm really sorry.. but we need
the money.

I want you to take the duck to
town and bring back the money".

So the son takes the duck and
sets off down the road.

Halfway to town he runs into a
hooker.

She says..

"Hey kid.. I could show you a
really good time if you're
interested."

He replies..

"I'd sure like to.. but all I have
to pay with is this duck."

Well.. she says..

"maybe we can work something
out".

So they go off into the bushes
and the branches are snapping
and feathers flying...
When they come out.. she is
breathless and says..

"Wow! That was incredible!
Not bad for a kid.
Tell you what..if you can do
that again.. I'll give you back
your duck".

As you might guess..
he's all for that idea.. So they
return to the bushes and get
it on again.

When they are done she is still
amazed at his abilities.

She says to him..

"I've got this friend who's
husband is a real loser.
He hasn't even been able to
get it up in years.. let alone
satisfy her when he could.

I'm gonna send you to her.

Just let me call ahead."

She calls her friend and tells
her..

"You won't believe this kid I'm
gonna send over to you.

He is the best I've had in years.

He's just what you need."

What none of them know is
that the woman's husband is
listening in on the other phone.

The kid sets off for the woman's
house and the husband meets him
on the road and says..
"Look boy.. I'll give you a dollar if
you just turn around now and forget
all about my wife".

Not being the brightest kid.. he
agrees and turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back
down the road and the duck is still
under his arm.

He knows his boy is dumb.. but the
instructions were easy!!.. He says..
"Son..what the hell happened?
I told you to go to town and sell
the duck!!".

"Dad".. he says.. "You wouldn't
believe the day I've had!

First..I got a f@ck for the duck..
then I got the duck for a f@ck..
then I got a buck to duck a f@ck..
and I still have the fu@king duck!".

One day a lady went into a fishing
shop to buy her husband a fishing
pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking
pole and asked the salesman how
much it was.

The sales man says..

"I am blind but if you give me the
pole I can tell how much it is by
the weight".

So the lady gives him the pole
and he says..
"That pole is worth £45".

She was amazed at how cheap
that was.

So then she picked up another
really nice pole..hands it to the
man and he says..

"This pole is worth £55".

She decided that was also really
cheap.

And then she picks the nicest
looking pole in the place and
handed it to the man and he says..

"This pole is our best and it is £70".
She told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole
all rung up..she had to break wind
really really badly.

She decided since the man was
blind that it really wouldn't matter
if she broke wind in front of him
so she just let it loose.

All of a sudden the man says..

"It all comes up to £80."

Confused the lady says to him..

"But you said the fishing pole
was only £70."

He said...

"It is. Its £70 for the fishing pole...

and £10 for the duck call."

omg!!!