There is a new study just
released by the
Psychiatric Association
about women and how
they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty
interesting.....

5% of women surveyed
feel their ass is too big.

10% of women surveyed
feel their ass is too small.

The remaining 85% say
they don't care....

they love him.....

He's a good man...

and they would have
married him anyway!.

I read with Interest
yesterday that there
is a professional
rugby league player
in Australia named
Matt Hilder...
who plays for the
Newcastle Knights.

Inevitably...
his nickname
is Waltzing.

.............


when a visiting French
couple were puzzled by
a guy in a bar describing
someone as being

"a penny short of a shilling".

they asked for
elucidation..

the speaker patiently explained
to them that the person he was
referring to was

"a slice aff a loaf".

Glad he cleared that up then.

......................
"DO you know"...

asked the youth in
the bar the other night...

"why a man's heart beats
faster and he goes weak
at the knees when he sees
a woman in a leather dress?".

When heads around him
were shaken....
he added...

"It's because she smells
like a new golf bag."

I went to the Social Security
office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's licence
to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman I was very sorry..

but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said..

"Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said..

'That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me"...

and she processed my Social
Security application.

When I got home..

I excitedly told my wife about
my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said...

"you should have dropped
your pants.

You might have gotten
disability, too".

And then the fight started.
.....................

My wife and I were sitting
at a table at our local pub..
and I kept staring at a
drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asked...

"Do you know her?"

"Yes"...

I sighed.. she's my old
girlfriend.

I understand she took to
drinking right after we
split up those many years
ago..

and I hear she hasn't been
sober since".

"My God!"
says my wife..

"who would think a person
could celebrate so long?"

And then the fight started...
..............................

My wife sat down on the couch
next to me as I was
flipping channels.

She asked..

"What's that on the TV?"

I said...

"Dust".

It was then the fight started..

Marriage is great
don't you think!!!!

Glasgow is a matriarchal community
in which the marauding male is happiest
in a brotherhood which ultimately defers
to the female in her distinct and
fundamental domain.

that means that women rule the roost.

But looking back.. It was even more
prominent.

If you were a man in the nineteen
fifties and wanted a new cap you
came in the door of a shop and
still keeping your hand on the handle..

you said..

A bunnet..

and somebody gave you one and
put it on your head.

You said.. Aye.. that's fine..

and gave your one shilling or
whatever it was..

and got out the door as quickly
as possible.

They were terrifying days.

It was totally embarrassing.

Nothing was ever bought by
a workman except that.

The wife bought the semmit
and drawers.. socks..

the wife bought everything
else for you.

Men would rather be hung by
their old testaments..
than be seen carrying
shopping or worse still...
be caught dead pushing a
baby buggy.

To be seen doing that made
you a big sissy.

Came the women's liberation army..
also gave men a sort of emancipation.

It seems quite normal now to see a
man pushing a pram on his own..

with bags of nappies..baby milk..

and a wee bag with his amber
nectar on his arm.

how times have changed...
from the so called
good old days.

two blondes... one holding
some well-used brushes..
and the second sporting a
delicate gold chain round
her neck.

They both look beautiful
and the fact that only one
of them Is human seems
to prove that dogs end up
looking like their owners.

when people pick a pet..
they seek one that at some
level..
resembles them ..
And the more a dog and
his master live together...
the more alike they seem
to become.

My dog looks a bit
like me..
strong..well groomed..
intelligent..with just A
touch of insanity round
the eyes.

I wonder If {kan}
members have a dog
what is the resemblance.

Are there a few growlers out there?.

Wee sammy was in his local
talking to his pal...

"THE council wants to ban
pitbull terriers from the
streets...
but they're having problems
identifying which dogs are
pitbulls"...

"I don't see what the problem
is"... he added.

"If they've got short legs..
square shoulders and an
aggressive temperament ...

then the dog with them is
probably a pitbull."

Let me for a moment share with you all my thoughts on HACKERS. Twice we've been attacked and it makes me wonder, what type of person would take precious time out of their life, to do something so idiotic. So I have come up with a psychological profile of our hacker.

1.) Dateless 20-30 year old, pimple-faced geek.
2.) Lacks gainful employment
3.) Lives in his mother's basement
4.) Watches Happy Days reruns and knows Potsy's lines verbatim.
5.) Once took his cousin on a date because his sister was unavailable.
6.) Has no life to speak up. Is aggressive on the internet, but cowers in real life when approached.
7.) Is not dangerous, just about as annoying as snow on a television screen.

If you spot this loser, approach with laughter. There is no danger there.

All the organs of the body
were having a meeting..

trying to decide who was
the one in charge.

"I should be in charge"..
said the brain..

"because I run all the
body's systems..
so without me nothing
would happen".

"I should be in charge"...
said the blood..

"because I circulate
oxygen all over so
without me you'd
all waste away".

"I should be in charge"..
said the stomach"..

because I process food
and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge"..
said the legs..

"because I carry the
body wherever it needs
to go."

"I should be in charge"..
said the eyes..

"because I allow the
body to see where it goes".

"I should be in charge"..
said the rectum..

"Because I'm responsible
for waste removal"..

All the other body parts
laughed at the rectum
and insulted him..
so in a huff..
he shut down tight.

Within a few days..
the brain had a terrible
headache..

the stomach was bloated..

the legs got wobbly..

the eyes got watery..

and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that
the rectum should be
the boss.

The Moral of this story?...

The one in charge is
usually an asshole!!.

Is spelling Important.....

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod
aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I
was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of
the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig
to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy..

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are..

the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be in
the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses
and you can sitll raed it
wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn

mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
by istlef.. but the wrod as
a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?...

and I awlyas thought
slpeling was ipmorantt.

A Mata Hari gang which
has been robbing elderly
men after luring them
with the promise of
sexual favours is being
hunted by detectives.

The gang of women have
been preying on men in
pubs before going home
with them and stealing
cash and goods.

The women..
believed to be in their
20s and 30s.. have been
befriending vulnerable
men.. mainly pensioners..
who have been out drinking
in pubs in the city centre.....

must remember to go
back to their place.
...........
A Scots pessimist is
a man who feels badly
when he feels good for
fear he'll feel worse
when he feels better.