A university has apologised to
a scientist for throwing away
his treasured collection of
lizard poo.

The Graduate biologist who
spent seven years combing
inhospitable jungles to amass
his unique hoard.. was told the
77lb bag had been thrown out
during a lab clear-out.

It was meant to help him in the
pursuit of his doctorate at Leeds
University on the rare
Butaan lizard.. a little-known
species of Monitor lizard that is
related to the fearsome Komodo
dragon.

Oh SH/T....
----------------

For some it would be the stuff
of childhood nightmares.. but a
Japanese company is creating
robot dolls that look just like
their customers.

Customers place their order for
a robot doll along with a photo
of who they would like it to
resemble and six months later
they receive a spookily similar
"Mini-Me".. in the post.

Mine would be shot at customs..
...............

Researchers have discovered
what women are really thinking
when they look into a man’s
eyes – and it is all about the
size of their...pupils.

Women become attracted to
men with large pupils just as
they are approaching their
most fertile time of the month
the study at Edinburgh
University found.

Scientists suggest that it may
be because it indicates that
the man is sexually interested
in them and available for mating.

Pupil size made no significant
difference for the rest of the
menstrual cycle.

Just as well...mine being like
pissholes in the snow...

A woman in the wine bar
tells her pals that the
question of mortality was
broached by her boyfriend
who declared that if he could
choose.. then he would want
to die while making love to her.

Draining her glass of wine she
added..

"Ah well.. at least it would be
a quick death".. I told him.

A lady who lunches out with
her friends in a Glasgow city
centre restaurant.. was not
impressed by her tired-looking
chocolate cake.

She sniffed it and declared..
"It smells like cocoa."

The smug waiter told her..

"It's chocolate cake...

It should smell like cocoa."

"Coco's my dog"..

she replied....
.......................

A man came back from his
holidays and immediately
told his boss that he needed
time off to get married".

the boss told him he couldn't
give him the time off and..
anyway.. why didn't he get
married when he was away.

"What? And spoil the holiday?"
he told him.
.......................

I read with Interest the other day that

EXPERTS in India claim they will start

a computer"revolution"- after

unveiling a laptop priced at just £7

Now the aim is to give a computer to
every student in the vast country.

The official launch is in the southern
Indian town of Tirupati next week.

It is hoped that the machine will
soon be on sale in Europe.

The £7 laptop comes from the
Indian government's National
Mission on Education.

Development costs were kept
down as students at Vellore
Institute of Technology and
the Indian Institute of Science..
Bangalore..designed the
revolutionary new device.

Costs are kept low not just
because of the new technology
but also because so many will
be made.

Officials have refused to say
anything more about plans for
the computer before the
official launch.

The news will be a blow
for the $100 laptop developed
by the US's Massachusetts
Institute of Technology.

the One Laptop Per Child
programme......
a US non-profit organisation
set up to oversee the creation
of an affordable educational
device for use in the developing
world.. announced it was cutting
staff numbers.

Cheaper Technology
equals Job losses.

An uprising...

Today.. after centuries of
unhappiness at Scotland's
miserable weather and lifestyle..
the country was officially sacked
by the Scots.

In a scene that could easily have
come out of 'Fawlty Towers'.. millions
of people turned out into the streets
at the news.. and grabbed sticks off
trees and neighbours' fences.

"Right!"..

they shouted..
time and time again we've laid it on
the line for you! We've told you to stop
raining and sleeting 11 months of the
year.. we've told you to make things
less depressing and more fun.. and
we've told you to give us long hot
summers and decent food and sunlight
for more than 6 hours a day in December.

Now we're going to give you a damn good
thrashing!..

and with that millions began attacking the
ground with sticks and stones.. while others
cheered them on.

One Scot.. Miss Fiona McAlpine.. said..

"At last!
Now we can give ourselves heart disease
eating deep-fried cakes and smoking
counterfeit ciggies.. all in tropical heat while
sipping vodka...
and Irn Bru cocktails".

And another passing shoplifter..Rab C Nesbitt..
added..

"See Scawtland.. by the way.. it isnae fit fer a
dog tae live in - noo get ra party started..
ya bams!

Scotland has been seen as one of the most
depressing places in the world to live in..
and Scots themselves make Russians and
Norwegians seem like a laugh a minute..
but the sacking may change such
attitudes - mebbe.. mebbe no.

Scottish weather forecasts will.. however
remain as ghastly as ever.

The truth is.. men face countless
problems - terrible.. terrible problems.

The kind of problems that women can
only dream about.. and even then only
if they've eaten something extremely
exotic like a large plate of Milk chocolate
just before they go to bed.

the kind of problems that are so terrible
that I can't bring myself to end this
sentence so that I can start thinking
about what they are ...

Oh..yes..I've thought of a few things.

What about the anguish and pain that
comes from realising that no matter
how dimmed the lighting no-one is
ever going to mistake you for Brad
Pitt?

What about the pain and anguish that
comes from the realisation that no
matter how much you spend on a
brand new set of tools from B&Q..
you are never going to be any
good at fixing the car.

don't get me started on the pain
and anguish that comes with
supporting a football team.

Yes.. I know women support
football teams.. too.. but not like
men.

Not like the men who call the
football phone-in every Saturday
night in pain over the latest
misfortune to befall their team.

Men who wouldn't lose a minute's
sleep if an asteroid was about to
slam into the Earth.. ending mankind
forever.. are in tears over their team
manager's tactics.

Men who had both arms ripped off
in an unfortunate farmyard accident
agonise over their teams tiny transfer
budget...yes...

It is tough being a man.. but whatever
you do.. please God.. don't tell the
little woman...
Not while she's got that hot
iron in her hands.

1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.

2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.

3. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl.

5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.

6. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time.

7. Women live longer than men.

8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes.

9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.

10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all).

11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's problems.

12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers.

13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

14. Women know the truth about whether size matters...

15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.

16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.

17. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.

18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

20. Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.

21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick.

22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.

23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper.

24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.

25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake

26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.

27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.

28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy.

29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a short woman's complex.

30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.

31. Women have total control over their eyebrows.

32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men.

33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk.

34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions.

35. Women aren't covered with hair like shag carpeting.

36. Woman don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do.

37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe.

38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want.

39. Women don't think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their species stands for.

40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week.

Jim and Edna were both patients
in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking
past the hospital swimming pool..
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep
end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.

When the medical director became
aware of Edna’s heroic act..he
immediately ordered her to be
discharged from the hospital as
he now considered her to be mentally
stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news
he said..“Edna..I have good news
and bad news.

The good news is you’re being
discharged..since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis
by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient.

I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindness.

The bad news is..Jim.. the patient
you saved.. hung himself with his

bathrobe belt in the bathroom.

I am so sorry.. but he’s dead".

Edna replied..

“He didn’t hang himself..

I put him there to dry.”

My brain is a masterpiece.

It has 2 halves the right
and the left.

The left has nothing right
in it and the right has
nothing left in it.

It's great to be a man....

1} You know stuff about tanks.

2} You can open all your own jars.

3} Your ass is never a factor in a
job interview.

4} The garage is all yours.

5} Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

6} If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

7} You get to think about sex 90% of
your waking hours.

8} The world is your urinal

9} The remote is yours and yours alone.

10} Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

11} Baywatch

12} All your orgasms are real.

A Department of Psychiatry
study has established that..
according to their menstrual
cycle....women are drawn to
different types of male facial
features.

For example.. during ovulation..
a woman is attracted to a man
with rugged.....
masculine features.

"However.. if she's menstruating
or menopausal".. "she will be more
attracted to a man with duct tape
over his mouth.. his eyebrows
on fire.. and a spear lodged
in his chest."

An elderly Jewish man who
had been praying at the
Wailing Wall twice a day...
every day..for 60 years.

"What do you pray for"?
An enquiring mind asked.

The old man's reply...

"I pray for peace between
the Christians.. Jews..
and Muslims.

I pray for the hatred to stop..
and I pray for all our children
to grow up in safety and
friendship"...

"And how do you feel after
having done this for 60 years"?

The old man answered...

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

Computer Man...
which type are you....

Disk utility man.. the only
gadget you can work is
your sound system.

Internet explorer man..
most conversant with
dodgy websites.

Quick-time player man..
can only hack five-a-side
football these days.

Facebook man.. never out
of the bathroom in less
than 30 minutes.

Google boy.. a bit of a
know-all..but occasionally
useful.