Go show em how KAN does it, skinny

I was sitting up in bed last night....

in my favorite socks.... reading by candllight...

what I thought was a deep and meaningful article about life and the church...

and wondering how crumbs manage to find their way into the bottom half of
my pyjamas..

when it suddenly struck.... There seems to be a misconception when it comes
to our part in the evolution of the species.

The biggest one is the idea that I somehow evolved from a primate monkey.

I'm almost sure That this is the case and hopefully I'll be able to clear this up

( though seeing me in person... you would see the unmistakable likeness).

Who was it that said I came from a monkey...

that I share a common ancestor....

that I came from the same animal?.

then again.... is it so hard to imagine?.

Look at the similarities.... look at the way both species interact..

(I may have even dated one once).

Is it too close for there to be no ties in the family trees?.

for those who say that evolution is a preposterous idea...

and would accept the idea of a creator...

do I really think it more plausible that a magical being had a hand
in it..

and came from outside...

created the entire Cosmos and made this minuscule little dot that
we call earth..

and wiggled his finger in the dirt to create life as we know it?.


All I'm really sure of is.... it's Time for my ovaltine...

the biscuit I have hidden in my pyjama pocket....

and a nap.

Coke.... the Real Thing!.

Just when you thought I knew everything....

I read an article about the best way To clean your toilet.

Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl.

Let the real thing sit for an hour.... then flush clean.

The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers... Rub the bumper with a
crumpled-up piece of aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

To clean corrosion from car battery terminals.... Pour a can of Coca-Cola
over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

To loosen a rusted bolt.... Apply a cloth soaked in Coca Cola to the rusted
bolt for several minutes.

To bake a moist ham.... Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking tray...

wrap the ham in aluminium foil and bake.

Thirty minutes before the ham is finished... remove the foil.....

allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

To remove grease from clothes... Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy
clothes... add detergent... and run through a regular cycle.

Coca Cola will help loosen grease stains.

It will also clean road haze from your windscreen.


The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.

Its pH is 2.8...... It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

To carry Coca Cola syrup.. (the concentrate).. a commercial truck must use
the .. (hazardous material).. placards reserved for Highly Corrosive
materials..

The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the
engines of their trucks for about 20 years!....

Drink up!.....

...................Watch The Birdie.


Scientists at NASA built a gun......

specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of military jets
and the space shuttle all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of bird-strike to test the
strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made... and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired... the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurtled out of the barrel... crashed into the shatterproof shield... smashed
it to smithereens... blasted through the control console.... snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the
cabin.

The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment...
along with the designs of the windshield... and begged the U.S. scientists for
suggestions.

NASA responded with a one line memo....

"Thaw the chicken".

The world through the eyes of children.

Mum was driving with her three young children one warm summer evening...

when a woman in a convertible ahead of her stood up and waved.

She was stark naked!.

As Mum was reeling from the shock she heard her five year old shout from
the back seat....

"Mum!...

That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!".



Shirley.... was trying hard to get the sauce to come out of the bottle.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four year old daughter
Claire to answer the phone.

"It's the priest... Mammy".... Claire said to her mother.

Then she added...

"Mammy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.

She's hitting the bottle".



It was the end of his shift when the policeman parked his police van in front of
the station.

As he gathered his equipment his K-9 partner Rebel was barking....

and out of his window he saw a little boy staring in at him.

"Is that a dog you got back there?"... he asked.

"It sure is"...the policeman replied.

Puzzled... the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said... "What'd he do?".



While walking along the road in front of his church the minister heard the
intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently... his five year old son and his pals had found a dead bird.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed...

they had secured a small box and cotton wool...

then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with dignity
said his version of what he thought his father always said.

"Glory be unto the Faaaather...

and unto the Sonnn...

and into the hole he goes".


A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

"I'm just wasting my time"...

she said to her mother.

"I can't read...

I can't write and they won't let me talk!".


A little boy opened the big family bible.

He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly... something fell out of the Bible.

He picked up the object and looked at it.

What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed
in between the pages.

"Mammy... look what I found"... the boy called out.

"What have you got there.... dear?".

With astonishment in the young boy's voice... he answered.

"I think it's Adam's underwear".

There was a little boy named Sam.

Sam was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things....

like playing.. eating... destroying things... and going to school.

One day... when Sam went down to the bus stop to go to school
he found all his friends huddled around in a little group...
talking about the Purple Wombat.

Sam was curious.

So he asked them... "What's a Purple Wombat?".

"You don't know what a Purple Wombat is?"....
the children exclaimed disgustedly.

For the rest of the morning they would not go near Sam.



Eventually.... they got to school... Class proceeded normally.

the students worked on their multiplication tables for a while.

Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography.


Sam was not really paying attention but....

heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.


Sam's hand shot up......

"Please ..Sir... what's a Purple Wombat?"


"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?".... the teacher cried .

"Get yourself to the headmasters office right now young man.....

No... no buts .....march!".


So... Sam headed down the long... dark... frightening hallway to
the office.

He slowly opened the large... heavy door....

and timidly entered the room behind it.


There... at a large... imposing desk.... sat the headmaster.

He was a hulking man... balding... with a thin moustache.

He spoke in a deep baritone voice.

That was enough to frighten little boys like Sam....

who had been sent to his office almost to tears.


"Well... Sam".... he began slowly.

"What seems to be the problem?".


"Well"....said Sam.

" I just don't know what's going on today.

Everyone's been acting weird... and they're all treating me
really badly".


"Now... Sam... I'm here to help you.

Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?".


"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is".


"What?.... You don't know what a Purple Wombat is?... That's it.

I'm calling your mother...
consider yourself suspended".

Crying...Sam began the long walk home.


His mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.



"Mammy"... Sam cried...

"Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of
the bus all by myself.

and the teacher sent me to the headmaster's office and he suspended
me...

all because I don't know what a Purple Wombat is!".


"What?.... You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?.....

Go to your room this minute.. Go!... Just wait until your father gets home!".

Sam marched up the stairs and into his room.

He collapsed on the bed...crying.

After some time... he heard a car pull up and some doors closing.

His father was home.


He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know quite what
they were saying.

Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs.... and his door opened.


"SAM"... his father began in that lecturing father tone.

"Your mother tells me you've been acting up lately.

Would you like to tell me what you've done?".


"Dad... I haven't done anything!.

I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!".


"You what!...don't know what the Purple Wombat is.

Well.... in that case...

you can just stay in this room all night mister.

And forget about dinner!".


Sam's father stormed out.


Sam collapsed on his bed... crying his eyes out.

He spent the next several hours that way .....

lying there....crying.... wishing he were dead.


Then... in the middle of the night... he heard a voice.

"Sam....I am the Purple Wombat".


Sitting up with a start.... Sam looked around the room...

trying to find the source of the voice.. but could not.


"Sam... I am the Purple Wombat.... Find me... Sam".


It was coming from the window.

Getting up...he put his shoes on....opened the window...
and climbed out on to the roof.

Jumping down off the roof.. he followed the voice until
He got to the edge of a wood.

"Sam.... I am the Purple Wombat.... Follow me... Sam".


It was very dark and very frightening...

but Sam didn't care.

He had to find out what this Purple Wombat was.

So... bravely... he entered the wood.


He could hardly see anything... and kept falling down....

walking into things and hurting himself.

Driven on by the need to find this enigma that kept
calling his name.

He managed to come to a clearing.


"Sam.... I'm the Purple Wombat.... I'm out here Sam".

It was coming from out across a lake.


he got one of the small rowboats from the dock....

untied it.... and rowed out.


Since he was only a small boy.... it was very difficult.

But he had to find out what a Purple Wombat was.


"Sam..... I am the Purple Wombat.... Row!.... Sam".


He doubled his effort.... and the boat began to move a
little faster.

When he was about half way across the lake...he heard.

" I am the Purple Wombat.

I'm up here Sam"


It was coming from directly above.


He stopped rowing and stood up to look for it.


The boat tipped over...dumping him in the lake.


Sam didn't know how to swim..... so he drowned.


The moral of this story is?.


Don't stand up in a boat.

Clothing Donations.

I just had a call from a Charity
asking me to donate some of my
clothes to the starving people
throughout the world....

I told them to fu*k off.

Anybody who can fit into my clothes
Isn't starving.

Fable of the porcupine .



It was the coldest winter ever.... Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines... realizing the situation... decided to group together to
keep warm.

This way they covered and protected themselves... but the quills of each
one wounded their closest companions.






After awhile.. they decided to distance themselves one from the other
and they began to die.. alone and frozen.

So they had to make a choice... either accept the quills of their companions
or disappear from the Earth.



Wisely... they decided to go back to being together.



They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship
with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others.

This way they were able to survive.

And the Moral of this story...

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people...
but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others
and can admire the other person's good qualities.

In other words....

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!.

Most of you won't believe this but
I am getting on a bit in years now
and am trying to get back into shape
by working out at my local gym.

Yesterday as I was working out....
I spotted a beautiful... young but
really fit looking girl.

I asked my trainer which machine
I should use to best impress this
lovely young thing.

He looked at me and said....

try the ATM in the lobby.

So....for all you History buffs....here's an Interesting piece of history.

In 1872.... the Arabs invented the condom... using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873... the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out
of the goat first.

In 1923..... Who Was....

1. President of the largest steel company?.
2. President of the largest gas company?.
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?.
4. Greatest wheat speculator?.
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?.
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?.

These men were considered some of the worlds most
successful of their days.

Now...88 years later... the history book asks us.....
if we know what ultimately became of them.


1. The president of the largest steel company
Charles Schwab...

died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company
Edward Hopson...

went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE
Richard Whitney...

was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator
Arthur Cooger...

died abroad... penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of
International Settlement

shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street
Cosabee Livermore...

also committed suicide


In that same year 1923...
the winner of the worlds most important
road race the Isle of Man T.T was

Stanley Woods.

What became of him?.


He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939.

He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life.

He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee)
aged 54.

He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.

The Moral of this tale....


Fcuk work.....

Ride motorbikes.

It has now been decided in light of the E.U. and
IMF. financial cut backs.

For wasted energy costs......
and future savings to be realised.


The light at the end of the tunnel will be
turned off until further notice .