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 SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 02 Jul 2010, 7:45 am

The biggest myth.....

as measured by square footage...

is that as you grow older....

you gradually lose interest in
sex.


this myth probably got started because younger
people seem to want to have sex with each other
at every available opportunity.....

including traffic lights.

Whereas older people are more likely to reserve
their sexual activities for special occasions....

such as the installation of a new pope.

But does this mean that....

as an aging person....

I'm no longer capable of feeling the lust that
I felt as an eighteen year old?.

NOT AT ALL!.

I'm attracted just as strongly as I ever was
towards eighteen year olds!.


The problem is that everybody my own age
seems repulsive....

It's a mystery.....

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 02 Jul 2010, 2:52 pm

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 02 Jul 2010, 5:28 pm

mraztec3{KAN} wrote:

Don't worry too much about this...

someday you'll be old...then you'll get the joke.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 02 Jul 2010, 11:48 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
mraztec3{KAN} wrote:

Don't worry too much about this...

someday you'll be old...then you'll get the joke.


I get it alright, just creepy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:25 pm



If I could....

I'd enlist today and help track down those responsible for killing

thousands of innocent people....

but I'm over 60 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track

down terrorists.

They've got the whole thing backwards.

Instead of sending 18 year olds off to fight...

they ought to take us old farts.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.



Researchers say 18 year olds think about sex every 10 seconds.



I only think about sex a couple of times a day....



leaving more that 28.000 additional seconds per day to concentrate

on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky...

and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.

If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission.

"My back hurts!"

"I'm hungry!"

"Where's the remote control?"

An 18 year old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't

go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink.

An average old guy on the other hand...

has consumed 126.000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35...

and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60

would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd

probably forget where we put them.

In fact.. name.. rank.. and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys.

We're used to getting screamed and yelled at...

and we actually like soft food.

We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles.

We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course... however.

I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope

hanging over the side...

nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

I can hear the Drill Sergeant now...

"Drop and give me...er...one".

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy.

I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.

He's still learning to shave... to actually carry on a conversation...

and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his

boxer shorts sticking out.

He still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles...

and that a 400 watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture

an eardrum.

All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about

life before sending them off to fight.



So...let Dad's Army track down those dirty rotten cowards.

The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of thousand

old farts with attitude.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:52 pm


Go show em how KAN does it, skinny
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 25 Jul 2010, 3:48 pm

I was sitting up in bed last night....

in my favorite socks.... reading by candllight...

what I thought was a deep and meaningful article about life and the church...

and wondering how crumbs manage to find their way into the bottom half of
my pyjamas..

when it suddenly struck.... There seems to be a misconception when it comes
to our part in the evolution of the species.

The biggest one is the idea that I somehow evolved from a primate monkey.

I'm almost sure That this is the case and hopefully I'll be able to clear this up

( though seeing me in person... you would see the unmistakable likeness).

Who was it that said I came from a monkey...

that I share a common ancestor....

that I came from the same animal?.

then again.... is it so hard to imagine?.

Look at the similarities.... look at the way both species interact..

(I may have even dated one once).

Is it too close for there to be no ties in the family trees?.

for those who say that evolution is a preposterous idea...

and would accept the idea of a creator...

do I really think it more plausible that a magical being had a hand
in it..

and came from outside...

created the entire Cosmos and made this minuscule little dot that
we call earth..

and wiggled his finger in the dirt to create life as we know it?.


All I'm really sure of is.... it's Time for my ovaltine...

the biscuit I have hidden in my pyjama pocket....

and a nap.

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PostSubject: The real thing.   Sun 22 Aug 2010, 4:26 am

Coke.... the Real Thing!.

Just when you thought I knew everything....

I read an article about the best way To clean your toilet.

Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl.

Let the real thing sit for an hour.... then flush clean.

The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers... Rub the bumper with a
crumpled-up piece of aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

To clean corrosion from car battery terminals.... Pour a can of Coca-Cola
over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

To loosen a rusted bolt.... Apply a cloth soaked in Coca Cola to the rusted
bolt for several minutes.

To bake a moist ham.... Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking tray...

wrap the ham in aluminium foil and bake.

Thirty minutes before the ham is finished... remove the foil.....

allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

To remove grease from clothes... Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy
clothes... add detergent... and run through a regular cycle.

Coca Cola will help loosen grease stains.

It will also clean road haze from your windscreen.


The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.

Its pH is 2.8...... It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

To carry Coca Cola syrup.. (the concentrate).. a commercial truck must use
the .. (hazardous material).. placards reserved for Highly Corrosive
materials..

The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the
engines of their trucks for about 20 years!....

Drink up!
..... Yooooo
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 24 Aug 2010, 4:24 am

...................Watch The Birdie.


Scientists at NASA built a gun......


specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of military jets
and the space shuttle all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of bird-strike to test the
strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made... and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired... the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurtled out of the barrel... crashed into the shatterproof shield... smashed
it to smithereens... blasted through the control console.... snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the
cabin.

The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment...
along with the designs of the windshield... and begged the U.S. scientists for
suggestions.

NASA responded with a one line memo....

"Thaw the chicken".


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 28 Nov 2010, 2:05 pm

As I sit here.. this cold wintry day watching the snow fall ever and ever deeper
I am reminded of the story which I'm sure must be true...

( only because I tell it ).

One November morning an Indian brave asked his Chief if winter was going to be cold
or not.

Not really knowing what answer to give...

the chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader....

he then went to the nearest phone booth and called the National Weather Service
and asked....

"Is this winter going to be cold?".

The man on the other end of the phone responded....

"This winter is going to be quite cold indeed".

So the Chief went back to Gee up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared
for winter.

A week later the chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Is it going to be a very cold winter?".

"Yes".... the man replied....

"it's going to be a very very cold winter"

So the Chief returned to his people and ordered them to go and find every scrap of
wood they could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very very cold?".


"Absolutely positive".....came the reply.......


"The Indians are all out collecting wood like crazy!".


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 06 Dec 2010, 12:04 pm

The world through the eyes of children.

Mum was driving with her three young children one warm summer evening...

when a woman in a convertible ahead of her stood up and waved.

She was stark naked!.

As Mum was reeling from the shock she heard her five year old shout from
the back seat....

"Mum!...

That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!".




Shirley.... was trying hard to get the sauce to come out of the bottle.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four year old daughter
Claire to answer the phone.

"It's the priest... Mammy".... Claire said to her mother.

Then she added...

"Mammy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.

She's hitting the bottle".




It was the end of his shift when the policeman parked his police van in front of
the station.

As he gathered his equipment his K-9 partner Rebel was barking....

and out of his window he saw a little boy staring in at him.

"Is that a dog you got back there?"... he asked.

"It sure is"...the policeman replied.

Puzzled... the boy looked at him and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said... "What'd he do?".




While walking along the road in front of his church the minister heard the
intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently... his five year old son and his pals had found a dead bird.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed...

they had secured a small box and cotton wool...

then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with dignity
said his version of what he thought his father always said.

"Glory be unto the Faaaather...

and unto the Sonnn...

and into the hole he goes".



A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

"I'm just wasting my time"...

she said to her mother.

"I can't read...

I can't write and they won't let me talk!".



A little boy opened the big family bible.

He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly... something fell out of the Bible.

He picked up the object and looked at it.

What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed
in between the pages.

"Mammy... look what I found"... the boy called out.

"What have you got there.... dear?".

With astonishment in the young boy's voice... he answered.

"I think it's Adam's underwear".


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 10 Dec 2010, 8:51 am

There was a little boy named Sam.

Sam was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things....

like playing.. eating... destroying things... and going to school.

One day... when Sam went down to the bus stop to go to school
he found all his friends huddled around in a little group...
talking about the Purple Wombat.

Sam was curious.

So he asked them... "What's a Purple Wombat?".

"You don't know what a Purple Wombat is?"....
the children exclaimed disgustedly.

For the rest of the morning they would not go near Sam.



Eventually.... they got to school... Class proceeded normally.

the students worked on their multiplication tables for a while.

Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography.


Sam was not really paying attention but....

heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.


Sam's hand shot up......

"Please ..Sir... what's a Purple Wombat?"


"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?".... the teacher cried .

"Get yourself to the headmasters office right now young man.....

No... no buts .....march!".


So... Sam headed down the long... dark... frightening hallway to
the office.

He slowly opened the large... heavy door....

and timidly entered the room behind it.


There... at a large... imposing desk.... sat the headmaster.

He was a hulking man... balding... with a thin moustache.

He spoke in a deep baritone voice.

That was enough to frighten little boys like Sam....

who had been sent to his office almost to tears.


"Well... Sam".... he began slowly.

"What seems to be the problem?".


"Well"....said Sam.

" I just don't know what's going on today.

Everyone's been acting weird... and they're all treating me
really badly".


"Now... Sam... I'm here to help you.

Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?".


"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is".


"What?.... You don't know what a Purple Wombat is?... That's it.

I'm calling your mother...
consider yourself suspended".

Crying...Sam began the long walk home.


His mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.



"Mammy"... Sam cried...

"Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of
the bus all by myself.

and the teacher sent me to the headmaster's office and he suspended
me...

all because I don't know what a Purple Wombat is!".


"What?.... You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?.....

Go to your room this minute.. Go!... Just wait until your father gets home!".

Sam marched up the stairs and into his room.

He collapsed on the bed...crying.

After some time... he heard a car pull up and some doors closing.

His father was home.


He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know quite what
they were saying.

Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs.... and his door opened.


"SAM"... his father began in that lecturing father tone.

"Your mother tells me you've been acting up lately.

Would you like to tell me what you've done?".


"Dad... I haven't done anything!.

I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!".


"You what!...don't know what the Purple Wombat is.

Well.... in that case...

you can just stay in this room all night mister.

And forget about dinner!".


Sam's father stormed out.


Sam collapsed on his bed... crying his eyes out.

He spent the next several hours that way .....

lying there....crying.... wishing he were dead.


Then... in the middle of the night... he heard a voice.

"Sam....I am the Purple Wombat".


Sitting up with a start.... Sam looked around the room...

trying to find the source of the voice.. but could not.


"Sam... I am the Purple Wombat.... Find me... Sam".


It was coming from the window.

Getting up...he put his shoes on....opened the window...
and climbed out on to the roof.

Jumping down off the roof.. he followed the voice until
He got to the edge of a wood.

"Sam.... I am the Purple Wombat.... Follow me... Sam".


It was very dark and very frightening...

but Sam didn't care.

He had to find out what this Purple Wombat was.

So... bravely... he entered the wood.


He could hardly see anything... and kept falling down....

walking into things and hurting himself.

Driven on by the need to find this enigma that kept
calling his name.

He managed to come to a clearing.


"Sam.... I'm the Purple Wombat.... I'm out here Sam".

It was coming from out across a lake.


he got one of the small rowboats from the dock....

untied it.... and rowed out.


Since he was only a small boy.... it was very difficult.

But he had to find out what a Purple Wombat was.


"Sam..... I am the Purple Wombat.... Row!.... Sam".


He doubled his effort.... and the boat began to move a
little faster.

When he was about half way across the lake...he heard.

" I am the Purple Wombat.

I'm up here Sam"


It was coming from directly above.


He stopped rowing and stood up to look for it.


The boat tipped over...dumping him in the lake.


Sam didn't know how to swim..... so he drowned.


The moral of this story is?.


Don't stand up in a boat.


Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 05 Mar 2011, 4:29 pm

Clothing Donations.

I just had a call from a Charity
asking me to donate some of my
clothes to the starving people
throughout the world....

I told them to fu*k off.

Anybody who can fit into my clothes
Isn't starving.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 15 Apr 2011, 7:45 am

Fable of the porcupine .



It was the coldest winter ever.... Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines... realizing the situation... decided to group together to
keep warm.

This way they covered and protected themselves... but the quills of each
one wounded their closest companions.







After awhile.. they decided to distance themselves one from the other
and they began to die.. alone and frozen.

So they had to make a choice... either accept the quills of their companions
or disappear from the Earth.



Wisely... they decided to go back to being together.




They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship
with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others.

This way they were able to survive.

And the Moral of this story...

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people...
but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others
and can admire the other person's good qualities.

In other words....


Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 08 Aug 2011, 11:05 am

Most of you won't believe this but
I am getting on a bit in years now
and am trying to get back into shape
by working out at my local gym.

Yesterday as I was working out....
I spotted a beautiful... young but
really fit looking girl.

I asked my trainer which machine
I should use to best impress this
lovely young thing.

He looked at me and said....

try the ATM in the lobby.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 08 Aug 2011, 8:14 pm

So....for all you History buffs....here's an Interesting piece of history.

In 1872.... the Arabs invented the condom... using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873... the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out
of the goat first.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 19 Aug 2011, 8:23 pm


In 1923..... Who Was....

1. President of the largest steel company?.
2. President of the largest gas company?.
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?.
4. Greatest wheat speculator?.
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?.
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?.

These men were considered some of the worlds most
successful of their days.

Now...88 years later... the history book asks us.....
if we know what ultimately became of them.


1. The president of the largest steel company
Charles Schwab...

died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company
Edward Hopson...

went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE
Richard Whitney...

was released from prison
to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator
Arthur Cooger...

died abroad... penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of
International Settlement

shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street
Cosabee Livermore...

also committed suicide


In that same year 1923...
the winner of the worlds most important
road race the Isle of Man T.T was

Stanley Woods.

What became of him?.


He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939.

He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life.

He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee)
aged 54.

He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.

The Moral of this tale....


Fcuk work.....

Ride motorbikes.


Razz
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PostSubject: tough times ahead.   Tue 06 Sep 2011, 2:18 pm

It has now been decided in light of the E.U. and
IMF. financial cut backs.

For wasted energy costs......
and future savings to be realised.



The light at the end of the tunnel will be
turned off until further notice .


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 09 Nov 2011, 12:52 pm

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School headmaster's office
after the school had sponsored a luncheon for senior citizens.

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize
and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.

this is for anyone who might need a lift today.




Dear Kirkcaldy High School ....

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.

I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.

I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio... but... she would never let
me listen to it.
She said it belonged to her long dead husband... and understandably....
wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine... and I was overjoyed that I could tell her
to fcuk off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely...


Hilda.





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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 09 Nov 2011, 3:12 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
It has now been decided in light of the E.U. and
IMF. financial cut backs.

For wasted energy costs......
and future savings to be realised.



The light at the end of the tunnel will be
turned off until further notice .


Very Happy


lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 12 Nov 2011, 7:27 pm

Standing room only.

The following is apparently an actual exchange of correspondence
between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen....

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years... and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.

I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.

I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people
2,000 years ago.

Yours truly...

Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan....

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.

The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely...

Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen...

I am in receipt of your letter.. and I think you are the ones who are confused
in your history.

If you refer to the Bible and the Book of David.. 9th Chapter....

you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.

That.... gentlemen... is something I have not been able to do on your trains
in the last two years!.

Yours truly...

Patrick Finnegan.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 12 Nov 2011, 8:24 pm

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 12 Nov 2011, 9:42 pm

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 05 Dec 2011, 10:01 pm

Winter is upon us again and our native birds will soon be finding food scarce...
so in an effort to encourage some sort of environmental conscience in you all...
can I request that each and every single one of you visit your local pet shop
emporium and please purchase some bags of nuts for our fine featherd friends.

There really is no finer sight on a snowy winters day than to find a pair of Tits
wrapped around your nuts.

Just bear in mind... however... that it's too early in the year to expect a swallow.


santa
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 23 Feb 2013, 7:06 pm

Winter Fuel Payment.



pensioners in the UK receive a Winter Fuel payment.


This is indeed a very exciting programme.... I'll explain
it to those not aware of the huge benefit by using a
Question and Answer format.

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?.

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?.

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?.

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and
electricity...or a high-definition TV set... thus stimulating the
economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?.

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K.
Economy by spending your Winter Fuel payment wisely.

If you spend the money at Aldi or Tesco.. the money will go
to China... Taiwan... Sri Lanka... or an east European horse
abattoir.

If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India.. Taiwan or China.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico...
Honduras and Guatemala.

If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea.

If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares... it will go to
bankers bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead... keep the money in the UK by...

Spending it at car boot sales or.....

Going to night clubs.

Spend it on prostitutes.

Buy beer or whisky.

Get yourself a tattoo.

Visit the bookies.


(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )


Conclusion... Be patriotic.... go to a night club with a tattooed
prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and
night!.



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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 03 Mar 2013, 1:38 pm



Thoughts.


One day an atheist was walking through the woods.


"What majestic trees!. What powerful rivers!. What beautiful animals...he thought to himself.

As he walked beside a river... he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

Turning to look he saw a Seven feet grizzly bear charge towards him.

Running as fast as he could up the path.... He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear
was closing in on him.

looking over his shoulder again the bear was even closer!.

Unfortunately... He tripped and fell on the ground.

Rolling over to pick himself up ....he realized that the bear was right on top of him.... reaching
for him with It's right paw and raising It's left paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out..... "Oh my God!".


Time stopped. The bear froze.The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky.


"You deny my existence for all these years... teach others that I don't exist.... and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? ....Am I to count you as a believer?".


The Atheist looked directly into the light.

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now...but... could
you make the BEAR a Christian?".

"SO BE IT!".... boomed the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear dropped his right paw... brought both paws together.... bowed his head and spoke.


"For what I am about to receive .....may the Lord make me truly thankful.... Amen".


geek
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 13 Mar 2013, 8:26 pm

Since Pope Benedict XV1 abdicated the Vatican had been working furiously to recruit a successor.

They had interviewed many applicants and after much interviewing they finally narrowed the
search down to TWO candidates.

Cardinal Bergoglio from Argentina and Cardinal Sicola from New York.

They were both very good candidates.

The Vatican selection committee finally settled on Cardinal Sicola.

Though after much debate they changed their minds and said that Cardinal Sicola would
NOT be a good choice because it wouldn't seem proper to address the new pontiff as ...

''POPE-SI-COLA!''.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 17 Apr 2013, 2:11 pm

Badminton.


Around the world different countries have their own badminton team.

These teams all have flashy uniforms...play in leagues.....and have
championships...and they all have some catchy name.


Anyone happen to know the name of the badminton team from
New Zealand ?. Well believe it or not they're called the Black Cocks.

The main reason why it even made the news is because New Zealanders
were in general fed up with it. Anytime they were on vacation...people
always went up to them to ask..."New Zealand...eh'.
is it true that the name of your badminton team is called the Black Cocks?".

Then there's the fans...some got really drunk at the matches and started
yelling...."Let's go Black Cocks!"...for hours on end. Plus.....some fans went
out and had T-shirts printed up...on their own....that said ...
Black Cocks go harder".

They were sick of the jokes and comments... they all voted on a referendum
to change the name of the team.

All this information was in an article from the Auckland Daily News and the main
headline read...

"New Zealanders Find Black Cocks Hard To Take!".


What about you...would you find it hard to take....or do you find it all harder to swallow?.


Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 08 May 2013, 5:33 pm

In a small town on the South Coast of France...the holiday season was in full swing.

It was raining so there wasn't much business and unfortunately every local was heavily in debt.

Luckily.... a rich Russian tourist arrived in the foyer of the small local hotel.

He asked for a room and put a 100 euro note on the reception counter.... took his key and went
to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner took the banknote and rushed to his meat supplier to whom he owed 100 euros.

The butcher took the money and raced to his wholesale supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushed to the farmer to pay 100 euros for pigs he purchased several weeks ago.

The farmer triumphantly gave the 100 euro note to a local prostitute who gave him services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel... she owed the hotel owner hourly room use to entertain
clients.

She laid the 100 euros on the counter.

The rich Russian came down to reception to inform the hotel owner that the proposed room was
unsatisfactory.

he pocketed his 100 euros and departed.

There was no profit or loss that day. But everyone no longer had any debt and the small town
people looked optimistically towards a brighter future.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 04 Sep 2013, 12:30 pm

Statements that include lies.

Telling a lie is a sin for a child.

A fault for an adult.

An art for a lover.

A profession for a lawyer.

A requirement for a politician.

A Management tool for a Boss.

An accomplishment for a bachelor.

An excuse for a subordinate and...

A Matter of Survival for a married man.

It's all true..Honest...would I lie to you?.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 13 Sep 2013, 1:59 pm

As measured by square footage...the biggest myth is....
that as one grows older...they gradually lose interest in
sex.
This myth I discovered recently.... because I've noticed  
the younger generation always seem to want to have sex
with each other on every available occasion......
(During the adverts say).

Older people are more likely to curb their sexual activities
until that special occasion crops up like...Christmas or..
the Queens Birthday.
But that in no way means that as an older person...you
are not capable of having the same desires and needs
that you had as an eighteen year old...far from it.

Those attractions are every bit as strong as they ever were.

So if you don't mind...

I'll just hang on to  my black rubber Batman outfit....

It'll no be long till Christmas!.


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 28 Sep 2013, 5:57 pm

A recent campaign calling for Car Safety Awareness was
launched with a national Child Car Safety Week.

A spokesman said..."Over the course of this week we hope
to make everyone think over the safety of children in cars.

All children should wear a safety belt.

Then...next week...everyone can go back to slinging their
kids through windscreens as normal".....

affraid

It seems that when the former President of the Swiss national Bank
(Markus Lusser) died at the age of sixty seven...his family announced
their plans to bury him in a secret grave somewhere in Zurich....

marked only by a long string of coded numbers....

Embarassed 

The Colombian Navy recently discovered a ship transporting more than
a ton of cocaine out of the country in direct violation of Colombian law.

Under current directives.......

No vessel is allowed to leave Colombia carrying less than three tons of coke....

Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 30 Sep 2013, 8:31 am

In a vital boost for the internet recently...several
countries had agreed not to introduce a tax ...in order to help increase
the prominence of electronic commerce and to foster the growth of a
truly world-wide communications network.

Consumer groups had hailed the move as a great breakthrough...
saying that an Internet tax would have been disastrous.

Most twelve year-olds were already strapped for cash...and would
have real difficulty coping with any further rises in their weekly
hardcore pornography bills.


Very Happy

Not so long ago right wing politicians defended tobacco advertising...
saying that children didn't start smoking because of posters (ETC)...
but because of stars like Leonardo DiCaprio smoking in high impact
films such as Titanic.

There was of course no proof of this...but since the release of said film
there has been a marked increase in the number of gay American teenagers
shagging fat English girls in an attempt to prove that they are heterosexual.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 01 Oct 2013, 6:33 pm

In 1969 the Apollo mission went to the moon and sent back
live images of Neil Armstrong and buzz Aldrin bouncing around
on that planet.

More recently...in 1997...a special probe to mars passed back
images of the red planet's surface live as scientists sent their
little buggy around exploring far and wide.

Why the feck then can't Virgin get someone who speaks good
English... get me a signal from the transmitter box outside
my house?.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 01 Oct 2013, 6:46 pm

A worrying new study linked women's alcohol consumption with
a rare form of cancer of the posterior...suggesting that women
who get drunk regularly are more likely to suffer from this disease.

The effects of this may be counterbalanced...however...by the
fact that drunk women are likely to get their bottom felt by a
wide variety of blokes...and some of them could be doctors.


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 02 Oct 2013, 10:00 am

During his reign...that evil Cambodian dictator Pol Pot.....
leader of the khmer Rouge...murdered more than one million
Intellectuals and urbanites in an attempt to turn Cambodia
into a nation of farmers.

Eventually...realizing his mistake...he repented after being
forced to listen to twelve hours of the Archers non-stop.



Then there was Mikhail Gorbachev......former leader of the USSR...
responsible for the dismantling of the communist system.

Reportedly...he had received one million dollars as payment for
acting in a Pizza Hut advert.

Pizza hut officials had commented that Mr Gorbachev was the
perfect choice... he already had a splodge of tomato sauce
on his forehead.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 16 Jan 2014, 2:04 pm

What with the Independence vote in Scotland this year......and
remembering that Sean Connery has always said he would
definitely leave the Bahamas and return to his homeland of
Scotland.. (which is....so near and dear to his heart).

With the good chance of Scotland gaining Independence...

He must be sh!ttin himself.


 Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 16 Jan 2014, 9:00 pm

lol!  and welcome back John.  Very Happy 
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 19 Jan 2014, 9:58 am

last night I was really quite brilliant....  My drinking facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about that age old question...

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?.

You women believe that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

After another beer... and some long deductive thinking.... I finally came up with the answer to
this question.

I firmly believe getting kicked in the nuts is way more painful than having a baby.

A woman will often say... "I really think It's time for me to have another child".


On the other hand... you never hear a bloke say..."You know... I think I would really like another
kick in the nuts".

Hic'....
drunken
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 12 Dec 2014, 2:50 pm

I was out walking with my wee dog one cold November day.

I saw one of those mime artists doing the famous routine
where he's pretending to be trapped in a box.

As I stood there watching the mime pretend to be trapped in
a box...I thought ..."Thank God..he wasn't really trapped in
a box"...As I turned to walk away..I noticed he had an old
beat up cap on the pavement with some loose change....
obviously for donations...contributions...tips....

So I walked over and pretended to put a pound in his hat.


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 15 Dec 2014, 9:31 am

The Association of Dead People

In 1976 Indian man... Lal Bihari.. applied for a bank loan but
was turned down due to the fact that he was dead.

Despite Mr. Bihari's repeated assertion to the contrary...
and also... despite being very much alive... he had been declared
deceased by his uncle.. who did so in order to gain ownership of
his nephew's land.
He discovered around 100 people in the same boat as himself and
founded the Association of Dead People in order to campaign for an
easier process of reversing a death certificate.
Unfortunately this did not come easily and Lal Bihari was not declared
alive again until 1994... five years after he ran for the General Election
and was accepted as a candidate and 18 years after he was originally
informed of his own death.

By 2004... the Association of Dead People had around 20,000 members
four of whom had been successfully declared alive by that time.


What a Face
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 15 Dec 2014, 9:45 am

What a Face scratch
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 19 Dec 2014, 11:48 pm

Back in the middle ages....

There was a travelling show that toured throughout Europe.

it was famous across the whole continent for its fabulous
and death defying shows.

The show was named "The Show of Tension"..because of
the daring nature of most of the stunts.....and thus the
performers and other staff associated with the show
gained the nickname.."Tensions.

Sadly... the show didn't survive the poverty that swept
Europe in the middle ages.

As people got poorer ..they couldn't afford to spend money
on frivolous things like a travelling show.

And so was born the expression...

Unable to pay a tension.



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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 22 Dec 2014, 4:45 pm

Did you know that...

In Glasgow city there are more than Three
hundred pubs...and I'm proud to say that I
haven't been in one of them.

I forget which one it is...but there's one of
them I definitely haven't been in.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 27 Dec 2014, 3:32 pm

"Did you know that HIV is actually
Roman for “high five?.

Pass it on.

or... rather... don’t".



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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 18 Jan 2015, 3:52 pm

What do you think...propaganda or what?.

http://www.activistpost.com/2015/01/sky-news-reporter-makes-freudian-slip.html
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 26 Mar 2015, 2:39 pm

When I was young I used to have  fantasies.

These days they seem to be getting more and more frequent .

My most recurring fantasy is having sex with a gymnast.

Not just because she's really bendy and flexible but also
because I imagine she'd do a brilliant dismount.

Ending up by the side of the bed ..after a double summersault
with her legs straight.

And if she happened to bend her legs even just a tiny bit...I'd make
her do it all over again!.


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