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 SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: when it's cold...   Mon 05 Oct 2009, 7:35 am

When it's....

50 degrees..New Yorkers turn on the heat.
People in Scotland do gardening.

At 40 degrees...Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees..Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

15 degrees...Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming.

10 degrees below zero...People in Miami cease to exist.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles

50 degrees below zero..Polar bears begin to evacuate
the Arctic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone 'Winter Survival' classes
until it gets cold enough.

100 degrees below zero...Microbial life start to disappear.
Scottish sheep complain of farmers with cold hands.

140 degrees below zero...Hell freezes over.
Scotland win European Cup.




Last edited by skinman {kan} on Sun 18 Oct 2009, 9:09 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 09 Oct 2009, 12:28 am

My pal was telling me the other day
how instead of going to work as normal...

he decided to take the day off...

and go with his wife...

to the seaside instead.

On arriving at Butlins...

he phoned his work to say that he had
a terrible cold and would be in bed the
rest of the day.

Imagine his shock when over the tanoid in
the background could be heard ....

"GOOD MORNING campers...

just a reminder that the 'AYR' donkey race has
been put back till two thirty".

Needless to say he was suitably embarrased
when his boss said the next day...

"My your looking a lot better...

the sea air must have done
you the world of good"!.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 12 Oct 2009, 8:23 pm

Did you know that in the human body
there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?.

It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a
sh*tty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it...

pull a hair from your butt...

and see if it doesn't bring a
tear to your eye.




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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 12 Oct 2009, 9:30 pm

lmao, reminds me of that huge dingleberry i had
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 13 Oct 2009, 10:51 am

The human body....


It takes your food seven seconds to get
from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg
(6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is two times
the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than

concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than

a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on

each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice

as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself

when you are standing still.
women reading this will be finished now


men are still busy....
checking their thumbs


Last edited by skinman {kan} on Tue 13 Oct 2009, 11:52 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 13 Oct 2009, 11:49 am

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.

The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.

So he offered him freedom so long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer.

If... after a year.. he still had no answer... he would be killed.

The question was... "What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man.. and..to young Arthur..

it seemed an impossible query.

Since it was better than death... he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer
by year's end.

Arthur returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody... the princess... the prostitutes..
the priests... the wise men.. the court jester.

He spoke with everyone... but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people told him was to consult the old witch... as only she would know the answer.

The price would be high... since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the
exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived... and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer his question... but he'd have to accept her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain... the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table
and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified.

The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous.. she had only one tooth..she smelled like
sewage water.. and she often made obscene noises.

He had never run across such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain.. upon learning of the proposal.. spoke with Arthur.

He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and
the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence... their wedding was proclaimed... and the witch answered Arthur's question.

"What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life".

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life
would be spared.

And so it went.

The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!.

Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always.. gentle and courteous.

The old witch put her worst manners on display.

She ate with her hands... belched and farted.. and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached.

Gawain... steeling himself for a horrific night... entered the bedroom.

What a sight awaited!... The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!.

Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she had been a witch)...

half the time she would be her horrible.. deformed self.. and the other half..

she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which.. she asked.. would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question.

Gawain began to think of his predicament... During the day.. he could have a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends.. but at night.. in the privacy of his home.. he would be with an old
spooky witch.

Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many
intimate moments?... What would you do?.
.
.
.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let the witch choose for herself.

Upon hearing this.. she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected
her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

It doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly...

underneath it all....

she's still a witch.



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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 17 Oct 2009, 5:24 pm

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement
has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for
European communications... rather than German..
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations... Her Majesty’s Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year... “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly...
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also.. the hard “c” will be replaced with “k.”
Not only will this klear up konfusion..
but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year...
when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”.

This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year.. publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes
are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters..
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also.. al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the
languag is disgrasful..and they would go.

By the fourth year... peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
“th” by “z” and “W” by “V”.

During ze fifz year... ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords
kontaining “ou”...and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer... ve vil hav a reli sensibl Riten styl.

Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.


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PostSubject: postal strike   Wed 21 Oct 2009, 6:49 pm

The fact is that there's the usual polarisation going on
over the postal workers' dispute.

Most of the tabloid media is talking about militant trade
union leaders.. uncaring.. lazy postal workers....

and little old ladies made to suffer by strike action.

As usual they emphasise the effects of strike action...
not its causes.

In the case of the postal workers the causes are simple..

and they are experienced daily by the ordinary.. hard-working
people who deliver our mail.

There's ever increasing pressure to work faster and harder...

belligerent managers demanding more work in less hours.

There are worries over job security 40,000 Royal Mail jobs
have been lost in the last two years.

There's creeping privatisation..
with private companies creaming off the profitable sections
of the mail delivery system yet relying on Royal Mail postal
workers to do the final stages of the deliveries.



But what the public will largely read is complaints about undelivered

books from Amazon and little old ladies unable to send their Christmas

cards.

Our Royal Mail system .. a system which ranks among the best in the
world for cheapness and efficiency as a public service .. is under threat..

and while the people who work for it are striking to defend their jobs...

pay and conditions.. they are striking to defend the service on your behalf
as well.

It's not as if the postal workers haven't been willing to accept modernisation
and new technology.

They have.. working in co-operation with management.

It was Royal Mail who withdrew co-operation and instead introduced change
by dictate.

The postal workers face an employer who believes that the "right to manage"
equates to absolute power over employees who must obey instruction without
question or negotiation.

Working people do not take strike action lightly.

They do so when every other door has been slammed in their faces.

Striking is an act of desperation.

It isn't fun. It's hard. It's financially punishing.

At Christmas it's going to be harder on the strikers and their families than it is
on people whose delivery from Amazon is late.. and even for the little old lady
whose Christmas card won't be delivered.

But what if royal mail is privatised and the little old lady finds that the universal
service royal mail is obliged to deliver the last mile is no more...

and she has to pay several pounds to have the same card delivered by a rival
company?.

she may remember fondly that she could send a letter anywhere in the U.K.
for 39p.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 27 Oct 2009, 1:43 pm

Getting pissed can go three ways.

Up...Down...or fast asleep.

Up is good because your loud...
boisterous and having a laugh.

Fast asleep isn't too bad until you
wake up and try to remember where
you left your brain...

but down is not good.

When the booze starts working on
you in such a way that your eyes fill
with tears.... and you put your arms
around the nearest person of the same
sex.

(It has to be someone of the same sex
otherwise your not telling them your
problems...your trying to hump them).

you start telling them the most intimate
details of your personal life and why
It's all going wrong...your in trouble.

But never panic...even though you've
probably been honest and more open
with a complete stranger than you've
ever been with anyone else before in
your life...

neither of you will remember....

a bleedin' thing you said...

the next morning!.

Hic! Hic!.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 19 Nov 2009, 4:47 am

Scotland's top clubs are carrying debts

of almost £100 million that will burden

them for years.



Rangers and Hearts owe £30m each...

Kilmarnock and Aberdeen £9m each..

Dundee United £6.6m..and Hibs £3.6m.



the Premier League down south has its

own issues ... particularly in relation to

debt and foreign ownership ...



but there are few people who would

argue that a league which has provided

nine of the last 12 Champions League

semi-finalists has been anything other

than a success.



formed back in 1992 after a decade

during which the English game had

hooliganism.. stagnation.. and

underperformance.



Can the spl in scotland take any

lessons from 1992?.



some sort of structural change is

required north of the border that

encompasses the involvement of

the old firm.



There would be so many benefits


to the national team and the clubs.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 29 Nov 2009, 5:29 pm

Sometime... years from now...
there will be the next newest Invention.

The equivalent of the latest I Phone
or wrist watch sat. nav..

It will be really easy to operate...
requiring you to press just two buttons.

I won’t be able to use it....
because I'll be too old to learn how.

Never mind...
I’ll be retired and can shop anytime
I want.

I’m going to have fun and mess with
the younger generation.

I’ll make sure it coincides with their
lunch break... or when they just get
off work

that's when I'll do my shopping.

Cutting the queue and paying with lots
of small change... of course.

It seems it's against the law for old
farts like me to have large notes and
must only possess loose change.

But the great thing is that I get to watch
the young people get all flustered and
annoyed.

just imagine the entertainment I’ll get
holding up the queue....fun eh!.

I’ll be able to use profanity only the over
seventies can get away with.

I can’t wait to use curse words like gosh..
golly...and my word...

let’s not forget the timeless classic...
well I never.

When I'm really old... I'll get away with
things that would have earned me a black
eye or a bleeding nose when I was young.

Now... people will just accept it and say...

" leave him be...he's old".

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 05 Dec 2009, 1:58 pm

They call me a man
but I'll never have
a wife.

I was given a body
but not a life.

They made me a mouth
but didn't give me breath.

Water gives me life
the sun brings me death.

What am I?.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 08 Dec 2009, 1:33 am

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating
your superficial sentimentalities...
and amicable philosophical or psychological observations...
beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

Let your conversational communications possess a compacted
conciseness... a clarified comprehensibility... a coalescent
cogency... and a concatenated consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomerations of flatulent
garrulity... jejune babblement... and asinine affectations.

Moreover... let your extemporaneous descanting and
unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious
vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.

Furthermore... sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity....
pompous prolificacy... and vain vapid verbosity.

In short........

"Be brief and don't use big words .

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 10 Dec 2009, 1:32 pm

In life there are two things to worry about.

Either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well then there is nothing to worry
about...
but if you are sick there are only two
things to worry about.


Either you get well or you die.

If you get well then there is nothing to worry
about.

But if you die there are only two things to worry
about.

Either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry
about.

But if you go to hell...

you'll be so damn busy shaking hands
with friends you won't have time to worry.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 10 Dec 2009, 1:45 pm

Too often...

we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.

Remember...

when someone annoys you...

It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown...

but it takes only four muscles to lift up
your middle finger.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 12 Dec 2009, 3:01 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
They call me a man
but I'll never have
a wife.

I was given a body
but not a life.

They made me a mouth
but didn't give me breath.

Water gives me life
the sun brings me death.

What am I?.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

OK - what are you?
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 13 Dec 2009, 3:55 am

A snowman....

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 13 Dec 2009, 1:31 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
A snowman....


LOL! OMG - I am getting too old for this stuff.
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PostSubject: how to tell a joke...   Fri 25 Dec 2009, 8:59 am

How to tell a joke when your stoned...

So three rabbis and a leprechaun are trekking across the desert.
So they trek all day...
then they camp out for the first night...
and a tarantula makes a move on the leprechaun.
So the first rabbi picks up a canteen of water and throws it at the
tarantula...
and knocks the tarantula out....
so they're all safe and everything's cool.

Then they get up the second day and they trek all day.

then they camp out for the second night...
and a rattlesnake starts going after the leprechaun.

So the second rabbi picks up a shoe and throws it at the rattlesnake
and knocks it out.

so they're safe and everything's okay.

Then they get up on the third day and trek all day...
then they camp out for the third night.

on the third night...
a scorpion starts attacking the leprechaun.

So the third rabbi walks into a bar and orders a double scotch
and a milkshake.
He drinks the double scotch and pours the milkshake in his pants.

Then he gets a second set of drinks...
and this time he drinks the milkshake and pours the double scotch
in his pants.

Then he gets a third set of drinks...
and this time when the bartender turns his back...
the elephant just takes off...
running down the highway...
knocking over telephone poles and smashing cars and small trucks.
by the time he gets to the tollbooth the first duck asks...

"Hey... would you pass the soap?".

But before the second duck can even answer...
the cop BURSTS into the bathroom carrying the monkey.

But the monkey gets loose...right?.
he runs into the kitchen and starts smashing all the dishes and
bending all the forks and spoons.

And by the time the dentist catches the monkey again...
the leprechaun shoves the scorpion up the third rabbi's ass.


Sleep
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 27 Dec 2009, 11:01 am

I'm not quite sure how it came about.

But someone must have spoiled a
perfectly good drink by suggesting
to the (perhaps more Inebriated)
That they do something more active.

At some point..someone must have
agreed to play a game with them.

This was a defining moment..because
from then on the human competitive
element kicked in and spread like
wildfire.

Before we knew where we were...

people were spending valuable drinking
time at the dart board or pool table.

Or organising teams to play football or
cricket.
games which don't take place in the pub.

There Isn't a local in the land that doesn't
boast of a crack team of super fit athletes
ready to give their all no matter what
challenge they have been given.

Some will put in hours of speech training
every day..so they can come back to the
pub after the match...
and talk the best game of their lives!.



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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 13 Jan 2010, 11:39 am

All right all you bright people....
think about this one!.

A riddle to be solved........
can you do it?.



The poor have it.

The rich need it.

What is greater than God?

What is more evil than the devil?

If you eat it you'll die?


Think about it and then scroll down...















"Nothing".

The poor have nothing.

The rich need nothing.

Nothing is greater than God.

Nothing is more evil than the devil.

If you eat nothing you'll die.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 15 Jan 2010, 3:40 pm

I read with Interest the news from Spain last week
where £2 million pounds worth of cocaine was found
hidden in boxes of bananas in certain supermarkets
after smugglers premumably failed to grab the concealed
drugs en route from abroad.

Looking on the bright side this could be a way to get
Glasgow folk to eat their five portions of daily fruit.



.............................................................


A Glasgow bus company had decided to redesign its tickets
including a random four letter word which lets the driver
know the week of issue...

and the fly men of our society don’t try to use an old ticket.

the word one week was “RAIN”.. strange..considering it was dry
all week .

As this week’s passengers will be trying to cope with a touch of
frostbite at bus-stops...

I wonder......

will they be issued with tickets that use the random word....

“Hot”.


geek
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 21 Jan 2010, 8:47 pm

What nationality was jesus.

I suppose he could have been mexican..
his first name was jesus..he was bi-lingual..
and he was always being harassed by the
authorities.

then again..he might have been black
he called everybody his brother..he
liked gospel..he never got a fair trial.

Could he really have been Jewish?...
he went into his father's business..
he lived at home till he was thirty three
he was sure his mother was a virgin..
and his mother was sure he was god.

then there's the argument that he was
in fact Italian..
he talked all the time with his hands..
he had wine with every meal..
he used olive oil.

Or..was he in fact..Irish..
he never got married..
he was always telling stories..
he loved green pastures.

My own theory is that he was in
fact a woman...
being that she had to feed a crowd
at a moment's notice..
when there was no food.

She kept trying to get the message
across to a bunch of men...
who just didn't get it.

Even when she was dead..
she had to get up because there was
more work for her to do.

So where do you think he came from?.


Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 28 Jan 2010, 1:51 pm

Many years ago.....

my Ancesters would have felt sad that

the peculiar features of Scottish ways and customs

were daily melting and dissolving into those of her
sister and ally... England.

Scotland.. they would have declared...

was losing much of the pungent wit and dry humor
of sayings in her native dialect.

Only the lighter shades of national characteristics
remain...

and Scottish life is becoming less and less
distinguished from the rest of the world.

reflecting on the effects of enlarged connections
with the Rest of The World ...

I wonder what they would have to say today if they
could return to find themselves confronted with
radio..cable and satellite television ..and the internet.

Imagine if they could have foreseen that on
a remote Scottish Hebridean Isle...

the Scot could read.. hear.. and see what was being
read in Paris or New York...
Sydney or South America.

or if they would have believed that Scots today could
communicate twenty four hours a day with folks from
all over the world at the speed of light.

Progress ....Eh'.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 28 Jan 2010, 2:45 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
So where do you think he came from?.
Very Happy


why from Bethlehem of course! dont you read the bible lol!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 02 Feb 2010, 2:12 pm

Let me see if I've got this right...


IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU
ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU
GET SHOT

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE OR RUSSIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL
BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU
WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.


IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU GET A JOB... A DRIVERS LICENCE....
A NATIONAL INSURANCE CARD...
MONEY FROM SOCIAL SECURITY...
FOOD STAMPS... CREDIT CARDS....
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE.
FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.


welcome to a brand new edition of


...................ASYLUM

Today's chance to take part in our exciting competition.

We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds
and thousands of dream homes... courtesy of our sponsor.

The British Taxpayer

And don't forget....
we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play......

provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport
and you only need one word of English.


....................ASYLUM

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation.
cash benefits starting at £180 a week
and a chance to earn thousands more.... begging...
mugging... burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights.

This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or
stowing away on one of our partner airlines
ferry companies or Euro star.


No application ever refused
reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers
And remember the magic password.

....................ASYLUM

A few years ago... 140 members of a Taliban family from
Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our
international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement
officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel....

They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already
staying in hotels all over Britain ......

Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover
and the world famous Toddington Services area....
in Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules...
don't forget...
there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience .

Just apply for legal aid.

Hundreds of lawyers... social workers and counsellors
Are waiting to help for free.

It won't cost you a penny.

It could change your life forever.

So play today.

Iraqi terrorists.. Afghan dissidents.. Albanian gangsters

pro-Pinochet Activists.. anti-Pinochet activists..

Kosovan drug smugglers.. Tamil tigers...

Bogus Bosnians.. Rwandan mass murderers..

Somali guerrillas....the list is endless

EVERYONE IS WELCOME
INCLUDING....

ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN.

Get along to the airport.
Get along to the lorry park.
Get along to the ferry terminal.
Don't stop in Germany or France.
All European countries will willingly
speed you on your way
Come straight to Britain
And you are


**** GUARANTEED ****

To be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners
In the easiest game on earth.

Everyone's a winner.

When they play


....................ASYLUM


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 02 Feb 2010, 8:08 pm

getting a little xenophobic around here?

_________________
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 02 Feb 2010, 8:23 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
Let me see if I've got this right...


IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU
ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU
GET SHOT

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE OR RUSSIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL
BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU
WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.


IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU GET A JOB... A DRIVERS LICENCE....
A NATIONAL INSURANCE CARD...
MONEY FROM SOCIAL SECURITY...
FOOD STAMPS... CREDIT CARDS....
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE.
FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.


welcome to a brand new edition of


...................ASYLUM

Today's chance to take part in our exciting competition.

We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds
and thousands of dream homes... courtesy of our sponsor.

The British Taxpayer

And don't forget....
we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play......

provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport
and you only need one word of English.


....................ASYLUM

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation.
cash benefits starting at £180 a week
and a chance to earn thousands more.... begging...
mugging... burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights.

This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or
stowing away on one of our partner airlines
ferry companies or Euro star.


No application ever refused
reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers
And remember the magic password.

....................ASYLUM

A few years ago... 140 members of a Taliban family from
Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our
international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement
officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel....

They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already
staying in hotels all over Britain ......

Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover
and the world famous Toddington Services area....
in Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules...
don't forget...
there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience .

Just apply for legal aid.

Hundreds of lawyers... social workers and counsellors
Are waiting to help for free.

It won't cost you a penny.

It could change your life forever.

So play today.

Iraqi terrorists.. Afghan dissidents.. Albanian gangsters

pro-Pinochet Activists.. anti-Pinochet activists..

Kosovan drug smugglers.. Tamil tigers...

Bogus Bosnians.. Rwandan mass murderers..

Somali guerrillas....the list is endless

EVERYONE IS WELCOME
INCLUDING....

ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN.

Get along to the airport.
Get along to the lorry park.
Get along to the ferry terminal.
Don't stop in Germany or France.
All European countries will willingly
speed you on your way
Come straight to Britain
And you are


**** GUARANTEED ****

To be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners
In the easiest game on earth.

Everyone's a winner.

When they play


....................ASYLUM




Sad but true.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 03 Feb 2010, 1:46 am

TomOnFire {KAN} wrote:
getting a little xenophobic around here?

This was just a tongue in cheek view
of society in britain.. it's opinions and

it's deplorable actions against asylum
seekers as I see it.

I would hate to see my opinions of how


Brtain treats asylum seekers lead to
aggression against individual persons...

There are too many political campaigns
for cultural and linguistic purification....

and I'm all the more saddened by it all.

What gives anyone the right to say where
or in what country a person has the right
to live in safety.

THERE IS ONLY ONE PLANET AND IT
BELONGS TO US ALL.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 14 Feb 2010, 10:21 am

Do you ever feel overworked...
over regulated...
under leisured..
and under benefitted?.

Take heart.

A notice was found in the ruins of
a London office building.

It was dated 1852.

This firm has reduced the hours of work.

the clerical staff will now only have to be
present between the hours of 6 a.m...
and 7 p.m. weekdays.

Clothing must be of sober nature.


The clerical staff will not disport themselves
in raiment of bright colours..

nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in

the office...

but neck scarves and headwear may be worn
in inclement weather.

A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical

staff.

Coal and wood must be kept in the locker.

It is recommended that each member of the clerical
staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the
cold weather.

No member of the clerical staff may leave the room

without permission from the supervisor.

No talking is allowed during business hours.

The craving for tobacco.. wine.. or spirits is a human

weakness...

and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical
staff.

Now that the hours of business have been drastically

reduced..

the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and
noon...

but work will not on any account cease.

Members of the clerical staff will provide their own

pens.

A new sharpener is available on application to the
supervisor.

The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be

responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and
the supervisor's private office.

All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before
prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work.

Brushes.. brooms.. scrubbers.. and soap are provided by
the owners.

The owners recognize the generosity of the new labour

laws..

but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate
for these near Utopian conditions.

Sounds like Heaven.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 18 Feb 2010, 5:53 pm

The Good Old Days...

For boys.





Where's Ma Tea!?.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 19 Feb 2010, 11:54 am

TomOnFire {KAN} wrote:
getting a little xenophobic around here?

I don't know, at first glance, it could be interpreted that way, but the more I think about it, the more it sickens me that when bad people take advantage of a system, it hurts those that legitimately seek asylum.

I have worked with many migrant workers, mostly from Mexico, and the H2B visa program that gives them temporary permission to work in the states, legally. I cannot tell you how many times I would be, say, at store, or doctors with one of them, and people would make comment about them being here illegally or some other colorful expression that I cannot post in the public section.

But I have also come across the illegals that think it is OK to break our laws, and hurt our citizens and tap out our resources. So what do we do? This is a very real problem.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 19 Feb 2010, 11:56 am

skinman {kan} wrote:
The Good Old Days...

For boys.





Where's Ma Tea!?.

OMG, I just saw this and almost choked on my coffee. Where's your tea? At McDonald's, and don't forget to make some fresh coffee for me on your way out the door.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 19 Feb 2010, 4:08 pm

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:
skinman {kan} wrote:
The Good Old Days...

For boys.





Where's Ma Tea!?.

OMG, I just saw this and almost choked on my coffee. Where's your tea? At McDonald's, and don't forget to make some fresh coffee for me on your way out the door.

There is old chinese proverb that say...

Why keep dog and bark yourself...

Or.....


moan only when told ....

or....

early to bed...no curlers.

and most important..

give tea.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 19 Feb 2010, 5:09 pm

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:
TomOnFire {KAN} wrote:
getting a little xenophobic around here?

I don't know, at first glance, it could be interpreted that way, but the more I think about it, the more it sickens me that when bad people take advantage of a system, it hurts those that legitimately seek asylum.

I have worked with many migrant workers, mostly from Mexico, and the H2B visa program that gives them temporary permission to work in the states, legally. I cannot tell you how many times I would be, say, at store, or doctors with one of them, and people would make comment about them being here illegally or some other colorful expression that I cannot post in the public section.

But I have also come across the illegals that think it is OK to break our laws, and hurt our citizens and tap out our resources. So what do we do? This is a very real problem.



Overall there is a surprising lack of knowledge or understanding
about the situations of immigrants in the U.K....

experiencing social and economic disadvantage.

Even less about how new immigration can affect local
neighbourhoods and the challenges for receiving immigrant
populations.

Few lessons seem to have been learnt about managing the
consequences of new immigration.


Although Many immigrants benefit from living near people of
the same ethnic background.

I believe Public policy...

increasingly views such ethnic clusters as problematic...

and dispersal restricts access to these benefits for some
new immigrants.

Community tensions seem to be an inevitable consequence
of new immigration.

The impact of new immigration on local neighbourhoods varies
depending upon...

the local socio-economic context.


Regardless of legal status or ethnic origin..

new immigrants typically live in poor quality housing in deprived
inner city neighbourhoods.

Many also face harassment and hostility and experience difficulties
accessing appropriate support.

I feel that new immigrants can make a positive contribution to the
local and national economy.

the cultural and social fabric of Glasgow today is all the more diverse
thanks to them.

It is funny how it is only immigrants who break our laws...

what about our own so called law abiding citizens..

some who bring real shame to the rest of us?.

but as you say ...

It is an on going problem that won't be resolved easily.

Sad Eh'.

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PostSubject: Play Time.   Sat 06 Mar 2010, 5:50 am

How many hours a week do you play online?.

All night gaming binges are harmless in moderation...

but one married Korean couple discovered the awful consequences
of letting virtual life overtake real responsibilities.

The pair who were hooked on an online game called "Prius" where they were
raising a virtual daughter were arrested by Korean police and charged
with failing to care for their three month old baby daughter who died of malnutrition.

They admitted to feeding their child rotten powdered milk frequently spanking her
and leaving her at home during marathon sessions at the PC bang gaming clubs that
are a staple of Korean gamer culture.

They called in to police to report that they found their daughter dead after coming
back home in the morning.

a police detective said..

"They had spent 12 hours.. all night.. at a PC bang".

It's not the first time a death was linked to gaming addiction.

in 2005 a man collapsed and died after playing 50 straight hours of starcraft
at a PC bang.

Roughly one half of Korea's population play online games....

and almost all of them have access to high speed internet connections.

Korean lawmakers are considering legislation to curb excessive gaming.

It just show's how addictive these games can be...

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 16 Mar 2010, 3:25 pm








A quick whip round.







As Ayman Najafi and Charlotte ADAMS languish in Dubai

awaiting their appeal for the crime of kissing in public...



we hear from Abdul Aziz Al Hammadi...



a marriage counsellor at Dubai Courts Family Guidance and

Reconciliation Section.



Al Hammadi is not the most impartial of guides and says

divorce is ...



destructive to families and children and leads to shortcomings



which negatively impacts the society.



It would be far better with the gradual edifying reconciliation

method …...



That is whenever a husband notices a bizarre behaviour from

his wife....



he can advise her... then avoid sleeping with her in one room...



and if that doesn't work out then he can whip her in a manner

that makes her understand the situation.



Sounds like a great night in to me.



Hey... anything’s better than divorce....right?



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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 16 Mar 2010, 7:47 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:







A quick whip round.







As Ayman Najafi and Charlotte ADAMS languish in Dubai

awaiting their appeal for the crime of kissing in public...



we hear from Abdul Aziz Al Hammadi...



a marriage counsellor at Dubai Courts Family Guidance and

Reconciliation Section.



Al Hammadi is not the most impartial of guides and says

divorce is ...



destructive to families and children and leads to shortcomings



which negatively impacts the society.



It would be far better with the gradual edifying reconciliation

method …...



That is whenever a husband notices a bizarre behaviour from

his wife....



he can advise her... then avoid sleeping with her in one room...



and if that doesn't work out then he can whip her in a manner

that makes her understand the situation.



Sounds like a great night in to me.



Hey... anything’s better than divorce....right?




Being whipped? Hmmm - depends on the situation and the outfit I'm .. er.. the person is wearing. :)

All joking aside, this is humiliating and definitely disgusting treatment of women. Double dog dare some man to try that crap on me. Wait! I tripple dog dare them.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 16 Mar 2010, 11:52 pm

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:
Being whipped? Hmmm - depends on the situation and the outfit I'm .. er.. the person is wearing. :)

All joking aside, this is humiliating and definitely disgusting treatment of women. Double dog dare some man to try that crap on me. Wait! I tripple dog dare them.

So lets go
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 17 Mar 2010, 7:36 am

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:
Being whipped? Hmmm - depends on the situation and the outfit I'm .. er.. the person is wearing. :)

All joking aside, this is humiliating and definitely disgusting treatment of women. Double dog dare some man to try that crap on me. Wait! I tripple dog dare them.


Does that challenge come with medicare and........

are the whip and pink fluffy handcuffs confiscated?.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 27 Mar 2010, 9:46 am

The only time a lot of people step inside
a church are....

when they're born...

when they're married....

and when they die.

It's not surprising when you think that
each time they go in....

they get things thrown over them.

THe first time it's water...

the second time it's rice...

and the third time..it's dirt.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 22 Apr 2010, 6:44 am

I read with interest that A Beverly man who put on a

phony Scottish accent to win the heart of a woman

he’d met in an upscale Boston bistro....


took off with her wallet and her Saab.



What I want to know is.....


does putting on a fake Scottish accent make you more

desirable to women.....



(which seems plausible to me.....

women can't resist my golden voice and highly

prominent sporran).


would I steal her heart....

or am I more likely to steal her car?.


It's a tough choice.

.....................................


Students being Assessed on a Gaelic language course....



on the forms included the question....



Why did you enrol on this course?....



most mentioned family....links to the islands....



but one person wrote .....



I’m sleeping with a Gaelic speaking person....



and thought I should make the effort.



So... romance isn't dead?.
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PostSubject: offensive Jokes   Sat 24 Apr 2010, 2:04 pm

I should like to bring it to the clan leaders attention that some jokes on this site are mildly offensive.

Time permitting he will review them all and remove those which he deems to be insufficiently offensive.

An example is....

(What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!.)

This type of humour should not be tolerated.

In the meantime I hope that the large quantity of utterly filthy jokes will offer some recompense to all

you fun loving christians out there.


Ha Ha.....
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 09 May 2010, 6:35 am

Isn't it strange....

That being British...

is about driving in a german car to an irish pub...

for a Belgian beer....

Then...travelling home...

grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish Kebab on
the way....

To sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
programmes on a Japanese television.

But the most British thing of all.....

A suspicion of anything foreign.



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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 09 May 2010, 7:09 am

skinman {kan} wrote:
Isn't it strange....

That being British...

is about driving in a german car to an irish pub...

for a Belgian beer....

Then...travelling home...

grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish Kebab on
the way....

To sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
programmes on a Japanese television.

But the most British thing of all.....





german cars and irish pubs FTW!!!!! cheers cheers
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 12 May 2010, 6:23 pm

Once upon a time in a jungle hidden village....

a man appeared and announced to the natives that he would buy
monkeys for ten pounds each.

The villagers...

seeing that there were many monkeys around...

went out into the jungle and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at ten pounds but as supply

started to diminish...

the villagers gave up their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at twenty pounds.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people stopped going to

look for them.

The offer increased to twenty five pounds each but the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey.....

let alone catch one!

The man had to go back to civilization on some business....


but said his assistant would now buy on his behalf.


In his absence.. the assistant told the villagers.....

"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that you have
collected.

I will sell them to you for thirty five pounds...

and when my boss returns from the city....

you can sell them to him for fifty pounds each".

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought

all the monkeys.

They never saw the man or his assistant again.....


left only with monkeys everywhere!.



Now you have a better understanding of how the
stock market works.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 12 May 2010, 10:29 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
Once upon a time in a jungle hidden village....

a man appeared and announced to the natives that he would buy
monkeys for ten pounds each.

The villagers...

seeing that there were many monkeys around...

went out into the jungle and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at ten pounds but as supply

started to diminish...

the villagers gave up their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at twenty pounds.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people stopped going to

look for them.

The offer increased to twenty five pounds each but the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey.....

let alone catch one!

The man had to go back to civilization on some business....


but said his assistant would now buy on his behalf.


In his absence.. the assistant told the villagers.....

"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that you have
collected.

I will sell them to you for thirty five pounds...

and when my boss returns from the city....

you can sell them to him for fifty pounds each".

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought

all the monkeys.

They never saw the man or his assistant again.....


left only with monkeys everywhere!.



Now you have a better understanding of how the
stock market works.



Haha excellent. You forgot to mention though that the price of the monkeys isn't determined by what a monkey is actually worth, but instead on how much everyone guesses a monkey might be worth sometime in the future.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 13 May 2010, 10:30 am

{Quote Haha excellent. You forgot to mention though that the price of the monkeys isn't determined by what a monkey is actually worth, but instead on how much everyone guesses a monkey might be worth sometime in the future.UnQuote}

I think it would be Ape..propriate to say that

You don't Monkey around..do you...but I guess

That goes without saying.

Knowing that your.... THE MAN...... when
talking Monkey businesss.....

could you tell me.....

is a Monkey worth more than a Pony?.

It would be Grand if you could tell me as
you seem to know the Score....

I'd be willing to pay you a bit of Moolah
for this Information....anything up to a
Rhino.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 20 May 2010, 12:32 am

lately.....

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape.

So I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent.. twisted..gyrated...jumped up and down....

and perspired for an hour.

But....

by the time I got those doggone leotards on…

the class was over.

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PostSubject: free speech.   Wed 23 Jun 2010, 12:13 pm

He sure isn't backing down on his hard line stance
and one has to appreciate his belief in the rights of
his native countrymen.

Australian Prime Minister does it again.


It took a lot of courage for this man to speak on what he
had to say for the world to hear.

The retribution could be phenomenal.....

but was he right to take a stand on his and
Australia's beliefs?.


Prime Minister Kevin Rudd of Australia said that Muslims who
want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told to get out of
Australia.....

as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential
terror attacks..

Separately..... Rudd angered some Australian Muslims by saying he
supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.

Quote......

"IMMIGRANTS... NOT AUSTRALIANS... MUST ADAPT.. Take It Or Leave It.

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some
individual or their culture.

Since the terrorist attacks on Bali .... we have experienced a surge in
patriotism by the majority of Australians.

This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles.....

trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought
freedom.

We speak mainly ENGLISH....not Spanish... Lebanese... Arabic...
Chinese... Japanese... Russian...or any other language.


Therefore... if you wish to become part of our society....

Learn the language!.

Most Australians believe in God.

This is not some Christian... right wing... political push...
but a fact.... because Christian men and women...

on Christian principles... founded this nation....

and this is clearly documented.

It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our
schools.

If God offends you....

then I suggest you consider another part of the world as
your new home......

because God is part of our culture.

We will accept your beliefs....and will not question why.

All we ask is that you accept ours....

and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.

This is OUR COUNTRY... OUR LAND...and OUR LIFESTYLE....

and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this.

But once you are done complaining,...whining.....

and griping about Our Flag....

Our Pledge...Our Christian beliefs.... or Our Way of Life....

I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great
Australian freedom......

THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

If you aren't happy here then LEAVE.

We didn't force you to come here.

You asked to be here.

So accept the country YOU accepted".



Right or wrong.....

He makes his views quite clear....

and no mistake.

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