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 SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 23 May 2009, 3:05 pm

Idly the Scottish tourist
watched the Devon man
dig and turn over the soil.

Eventually he said...
"Hey... pal..

whit's that you're doin?".

"Oi'm digging tatters... sor ".

"Potatoes?...
Those small things?...

You call them potatoes?.

Back up in Aberdeen we have
potatoes ten times that size!".

"Yes.. sor....

But you see....

We only grow them
to fit our mouths!".
Laughing

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 26 May 2009, 8:06 pm

Before the Battle of Agincourt
in 1415...the French...
anticipating victory over the
English...
proposed to cut off the middle
finger of all captured English
soldiers.

Without the middle finger..
it would be impossible to draw
the renowned English longbow
and therefore be incapable of
fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made
of the native English Yew tree..
and the act of drawing the longbow
was known as "plucking the yew".

Much to the bewilderment of the
French..
the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving
their middle fingers at the defeated
French..saying... "See...
we can still pluck yew!...

PLUCK YEW!".

Over the years..
some entymologists have grown up
around this symbolic gesture.

Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult
to say....
like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker".

which is who you had to go to for the
feathers used on the arrows for the
longbow.

the difficult consonant cluster at the
beginning has gradually changed to a
labiodental fricative .F. and thus the
words often used in conjunction with
the one-finger-salute are mistakenly
thought to have something to do with
an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant
feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as...

"giving the bird".
silent
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 30 May 2009, 6:49 pm

Can you tell the difference
between a horse and a frog?...






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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 30 May 2009, 8:00 pm

Skinman, I enjoyed the post about the middle finger. Very interesting, indeed. Thank you, sir.

LoW
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 30 May 2009, 8:47 pm

L.O.W....

I'm glad you enjoyed
my wee story....

did you by any
Operchancity
get the joke?...

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 31 May 2009, 1:20 am

But of course my partner in crime :)
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 02 Jun 2009, 1:32 pm

Cat with hypnotic eyes

"Look into my eyes....
look into my eyes....
the eyes...
the eyes....
not around the eyes....

don't look around the eyes....
look into my eyes.

you will soon be under
my spell.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 02 Jun 2009, 8:19 pm

lol!
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my little friend
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 03 Jun 2009, 9:55 am

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 03 Jun 2009, 12:03 pm

A kiddies favorite...
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 03 Jun 2009, 12:57 pm

ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 04 Jun 2009, 1:35 pm

some beautiful girls
having a photo shoot...
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 07 Jun 2009, 5:10 am

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre
of a courtroom drama yesterday when he
challenged a court ruling over whom should
have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by
his parents and the judge initially awarded
custody to his aunt...
in keeping with child custody law and
regulations requiring that family unity be
maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he
proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused
to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live
with his grandparents...
the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the
immediate family and learning that domestic
violence was apparently a way of life among
them...
the judge took the unprecedented step of
allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references
and confer with child welfare officials...
the judge granted temporary custody to the
Scotland Football team...

whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of beating anyone.

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 07 Jun 2009, 4:38 pm

t's a sad reflection on society
that there are unscrupulous people
scaremongering over swine flu.

So if you receive an e-mail telling
you not to eat tinned pork because
of swine flu....
ignore it.


It's just spam.

.........................
Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy
looking like he'd just been run over by
a train.

His arm is in a sling...
his nose is broken...
his face is cut and bruised and he is
walking with a limp.

"What happend to you? asks the bartender.

"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight".

"That little sh*t.. O Conner"
says the barman.

"He couldnt do that to you...
he must of had something in his hand".

"That he did"... says Paddy

A shovel is what he had...
and a terrible licken he gave me with it".

"Well'' says the barman....

"you should have defended yourself...
didnt you have something in your hand?".

''That I did''... said Paddy...

"Mrs. O Conner's breast...

and a thing of beauty it was....

but useless in a fight".

............................


I dreamed last night of a metal
circle with the number 30 on it.

Do you think it's a sign?.

.....................................

MY friend says I'm paranoid...

Well....

She didn't actually say so But I
could tell she was thinking it.

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 10 Jun 2009, 12:53 pm


There's quite an art to falling apart
as the years go by...And life doesn't
begin at 40... That's a big fat lie.

My hair's getting thinner...
my body is not...
The few teeth I have are beginning
to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub...
not Chanel number five....

My new pacemaker's all that
keeps me alive.

When asked of my past....
every detail I'll know....

But what was I doing 10
minutes ago?.

Well...
you get the idea....
what more can I say?.

I'm off to read the obituary..
like I do every day.

If my names not there...
I'll once again start ....

Perfecting the art
of falling apart.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 17 Jun 2009, 11:37 am

A wee chap takes his wife
to his local after years of
nipping out there a couple
of times a week without her.

She said she would drink
whatever he usually had.

So he got her a whisky.

She took one slug...
screwed up her face
and said it was awful.

"See"... he told her...

"and you thought I was
out enjoying myself".

Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 20 Jun 2009, 3:06 pm



Yummy yummy
looks so good.


But read on.

Do you eat chocolate?..

We were raised on
chocolate as kids..
and even into
adulthood.

I will never eat it again
and I hope from now on
you will throw yours away
whenever you get given
any.

It seems as though nothing
is safe to eat anymore.

This is what happens when
you eat chocolate!.

This is a warning...tell
everyone you care about.

It could happen to you....
or your friends.

^
^
^
^
^
^
Isn't it awful





Chocolate makes your
feet shrink..

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 20 Jun 2009, 3:42 pm

Yum Yum geek

lol!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 27 Jun 2009, 11:25 am

I thought....
every day....

I would reach out and
touch someone.

I thought to myself...
People love that human
touch..

holding hands...

a warm hug...

or just a friendly look . .




My case comes up
next week.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 28 Jun 2009, 6:50 am

What about your wee man...
who bought a thoughtful...
but extremely unromantic
funeral plan from the
Co-operative life Insurance
for his wife's birthday last
year.

This year when she asked
why he hadn't bought her a
present he replied...

"Well....
you didn't use the present
I got you last year".

affraid
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 29 Jun 2009, 1:40 pm

It's such a shame that the man
who brought soap operas and
reality TV to Italy should have
ended up becoming trapped in
his own real life soap opera.

Silvio Berlusconi showed....
he intended to brazen out the sex
scandal that has begun to eat away
at his personal popularity...
and spawned rumours of a plot to
replace him as head of the Italian
government.

The prime minister found himself
in the unusual position of giving
public assurances that he had
never paid for sex.. had not
participated in orgies and did
not "frequent" under..age girls.

And he didn't consume drugs
either.

It seems A universal problem
that no matter what country
you might live in there are
always human weaknesses
inherent in man.

I can remember back in early
1963 the Profumo affair.

In england There was a political
scandal that was named after
the then Secretary of State for
War...
john Profumo.

A sordid little affair which
involved A cabinet minister...
A showgirl ....
and a Soviet naval attache.

The only difference from that
time to present.. is the names
have changed.

We always come full circle

what with the world being
egg shaped.

Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 29 Jun 2009, 7:26 pm

This is about as old as the oldest profession. IMO. Sex scandals rock every country. Remember the oral...I mean, oval office incident with a certain President, who shall remain nameless (cough..Bill Clinton...cough cough)? But there are so many more recent sex scandals that it boggles the mind. And it touches every political party across the board. No one is above scandal.

Now where did I put that cigar? Probably got tossed out with the dress.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 30 Jun 2009, 1:56 pm

Lady of Winter {KAN} wrote:
This is about as old as the oldest profession. IMO. Sex scandals rock every country. Remember the oral...I mean, oval office incident with a certain President, who shall remain nameless (cough..Bill Clinton...cough cough)? But there are so many more recent sex scandals that it boggles the mind. And it touches every political party across the board. No one is above scandal.

Now where did I put that cigar? Probably got tossed out with the dress.

I wouldn't mind so much L.O.W.
but these events always seem
to occur when I'm taking my nap.

miss all the fun you see!....


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 05 Jul 2009, 3:37 am

Skin, I like the way you think. Makes ya wonder about what's next, eh... silent
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 05 Jul 2009, 12:43 pm

Over the past days Michael Jackson
has been compared unfavourably with
Mozart..
Beethoven...
the Duke of Wellington....
and even Winston Churchill.

Churchill may have helped liberate the
world from Nazi tyranny.

But could he Moonwalk?.

Clearly it is silly to compare these
historical figures to michael jackson.

Cant they all be good in their own way?...

But...
the individual merits of those people
are not the point.

the reaction of the people...
fuelled by the media...
to Jackson's death Is Exactly the
same things that was said about the
Princess of Wales.

I suppose it's only natural that there
will be the spaite of jokes about the
circumstances leading up to his heart
attack and subsequent death...

Including the theory that it was
something to do with being out
at night under a full moon...

or lying in the sun too long..

even tripping over a pram.

Several close friends have said...

Don't blame it on the sunshine...

don't blame it on the moonlight...

blame it on the buggy.

Some are so hypocritical saying
terrible things about people after
their demise..but the defenders
of those people rarely give them
a second thought.

How many people do you see crying
openly in public at the thought of
lady Diana Spencers death now?.

They say time is a great healer...
Isn't that another way of saying

I don't remember....
or am I just too cynical in my old
age?.

All I know is Michael Jackson made
terrific music for over forty years.

He was one of the great masters
of music.

And I'm sure that He brought A
real sense of happiness into
the lives of many.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 05 Jul 2009, 3:16 pm

The prime minister wakes up
one morning...
showers and puts on his best
suit ready for another hard
days bullshitting.

Catching sight of himself in
the mirror he thinks....

"By god....
youre looking good this
morning".

He admires the fine cut of
his suit and the sparkle of
his smile...
and takes a deep breath.

"Feeling good too"...
he notes.

Sitting at breakfast his wife
says....

"Youre looking really good
this morning...
darling".
.
"I feel good too"...
he responds.

"But youre not smelling too
good dear"...
she comments.

he takes a sniff.

"Hmmm.

Youre right there"...
he says worriedly.

"I am smelling a bit rough".

He finishes his breakfast...
downs his coffee...
and heads for his private office.

"Good morning"...
he grins at his secretary.

"Yes its a beautiful morning"...
she replies...

"and youre looking really good".
.
"Why thank you I feel good too"...
replies the minister flexing his arms.

"Oh prime minister!"...
cries his secretary.

"You may look good and feel
good but you smell awful!".

Worried..
he visits his doctor.

"Doc I have a problem"...
he says.

"I look good and feel good
but I smell awful!".

The doctor consults his
medical textbook scanning
quickly through it...

"Looks good ...

yeah ...

feels good ...

yeah ...

smells awful".

"Ah ..
thats it sir...
I have the answer ...

Youre a Cu*T".



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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 07 Jul 2009, 1:15 pm

The sky was dark
The moon was high.

All alone
Just you and I.

Your hair so soft
your legs so fine
I ran my fingers
down your spine.

I didnt know how
I tried my best...

I just reached down
and touched your breast.

I remembered my fear
But slowly...

you spread
your legs apart.

And when you did
I felt no shame.

All at once The white
stuff came.

At last....

Its finished.
Its all over now.

My first time...

Milking a cow.


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PostSubject: A jar of rocks.   Tue 07 Jul 2009, 6:52 pm



A philosophy professor stood before
his class and had some items in front
of him.

When the class began...
wordlessly he picked up a large empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it
with rocks...
About 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar
was full?.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box
of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles...
of course...
rolled into the open areas between the
rocks.

He then asked the students again if the
jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar.

Of course..
the sand filled up everything else.

"Now"...
said the professor...

"I want you to recognize that this is
your life.
The rocks are the important things...
your family..
your partner..
your health..
your children.

Things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained...
your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that
matter like your job...
your house...
your car.

The sand is everything else.

The small stuff".

"If you put the sand into the jar first...
there is no room for the pebbles or
the rocks.

The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff...
you will never have room for the things
that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out dancing.

There will always be time to go to work...
clean the house...
give a dinner party....
and fix the car".

"Take care of the rocks first..
the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand".

But then...
an engineering student took the jar
which the other students and the
professor agreed was full...
and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.

Of course the beer filled the remaining
spaces within the jar making the jar
truly full.


The moral of this tale is...
no matter how full your life is...

there is always room for BEER.



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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 16 Jul 2009, 3:47 pm

Did you know Jokes have varied
over many hundreds of years with
some taking the question and answer
format...
while others are witty proverbs or
riddles.
What they all share however...
is a willingness to deal with taboos
and a degree of rebellion.

Modern puns...like Essex girl jokes
and toilet humour can all be traced
back to the very earliest jokes

The oldest British recorded joke dates
back to the 10th Century and reveals
the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons.

It goes something like this....

"What hangs at a man's thigh and
wants to poke the hole that it's
often poked before?...

A key".

So if they ask...
have you heard it before?...

you can be sure someone has.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 23 Jul 2009, 1:27 pm

A real friend is someone who
you can sit in complete
silence with and still walk
away feeling like you just had
the best conversation of your life.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 24 Jul 2009, 12:30 am

A pal called me to- day
to tell me he was arrested inside
a B & Q. store.

He is prone to discrimination
and not known for his diplomacy or
tact and mis-understood his boss when
he was asked to go find another
black and deck her.




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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 24 Jul 2009, 5:08 pm

ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 27 Jul 2009, 7:24 am

French soldiers have been branded
"imbeciles"
for firing shells into parched woodland
and sparking a massive forest blaze
that threatened up to 1000 homes.

The Foreign Legion unit started one of
the worst fires in recent years when it
blasted tracer ammunition into tinder
dry trees at their base near Marseille.

Within minutes of the fire starting
flames were raging through a huge
area of the forest on the outskirts of
the southern French port.

Less than an hour later....
170 firefighters and waterbombing
aircraft were desperately trying to
extinguish 2000 acres of burning woodland.

City officials ordered the evactuation of 400
homes in the Trois-Ponts district,
about three miles from the centre of Marseille.


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 27 Jul 2009, 2:29 pm

Wee Tam the legionnaire had become detached
from his regiment and wandered aimlessly across
the burning desert sands.

Hour after hour... day after day... he trudged on...
water all gone... almost totally dehydrated.

At almost his last breath he rounded a sand dune
and there stood an immaculately dressed Arab with
a tray around his neck.

"Water... water... for God's sake give me water"....
screamed Tam.

"Do you want to buy a tie?"....
asked the Arab.

"Indeed I don't" said Tam...
and stumbled on.

Two miles later he came across a second Arab...
again immaculately dressed...
a tray around the neck.

"Water... water... you must give me water!"....
mumbled Wee Tam.

"No water... effendi.
But do you want to buy a tie?"... said the Arab.

"I don't... I don't"... bellowed the Wee man...
and on he stumbled.

Two miles later he couldn't believe his eyes.

Mirage?... No!... It was for real.

A beautiful hotel set in an oasis... swimming pool...
golf course... tennis courts.

Up the steps shuffled tam calling...

"Thank God I'm saved.

Water... please... water!".

Out stepped a smartly dressed doorman who said...

"I'm sorry sir...
but you can't come in....


you're not wearing a tie!".

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PostSubject: "Lizard Birth"   Fri 21 Aug 2009, 1:32 am

"Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his
back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having
babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and
Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want
them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded
her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with
a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.


It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the
foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried
several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to
know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a
pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is
one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for Pete sakes.). By this time we decided it was time to take Ernie to the vet.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered
at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .

Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um
. . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing
at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife
offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we
understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that .
.. I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad
everything was going to be okay.


"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he
told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter.


Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $35

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 23 Aug 2009, 7:08 am

From the excerpts of the late Paul Harvey, radio broadcaster.

We visit Altoona, PA, where TV anchorman Brandon Brooks demonstrated
for his viewers how to protect their homes from burglars. He used his
own home to demonstrate... Double locks on doors, windows that will
not open from the outside, burglar alarms... Now it appears that
thieves were watching the program. They not only learned where the
double locks were, but where the TV set was and the VCR and the
furniture and other things. So a few nights later - while Brandon
Brooks was on the air back at the studio - the thieves broke into his
house and cleaned him out. That window that won't open from the
outside? They smashed it.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 23 Aug 2009, 2:51 pm

Quote :
So a few nights later - while Brandon
Brooks was on the air back at the studio - the thieves broke into his
house and cleaned him out. That window that won't open from the
outside? They smashed it.

cheers WIN cheers
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 24 Aug 2009, 12:24 pm

Another excerpt from the late Paul Harvey. If you don 't know who he is, be sure to do a search for his audible stories. Very interesting man. Reminds me of Skinman {KAN}

Police Chief Clifton Sullivan - Russell Springs, KY - got a call from
a lady who wanted her bachelor neighbor arrested for indecent exposure
The chief went to her house and witnessed for himself... The fact
was that the man next door was in his bathroom shaving. 'But,' the
chief said, 'with the bottom part of the man's bathroom window covered
as it is, I cannot tell if the bottom part of the man is wearing
anything or not.' 'But,' the woman said, 'Well, you just stand on
this chair and stand on your tiptoes and you'll see!'
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 05 Sep 2009, 10:53 am

I read with interest that
a growing number of Republicans
believe that Barack Obama had lied
about his birth...
and was in fact born in Kenya...

so should not have been eligible to
be President.

the White House of course has
denied this...

pointing out that if he had been...

Madonna would have adopted him
by now.
.....................

Two young females were discussing
one of the friskier boys of their village...

he was something of a serial fiance...
having been engaged four times.

"His pals call him Gandalf"...
said one.

"Why?.....
Because he looks like a Hobbit?

"No.. silly"....

said the other...

"It's because he's Lord of
the rings".

.........................

THE scaffolding has come down
from the Britannia Panopticon
on Glasgow's Argyle Street after
sandstone cleaning.

the Panopticon is one of
the oldest music halls in
the world...

Now that the scaffolding's
removed...
people can see the building
in all its glory...

but it also stops sneak thieves who
have been using the scaffolding to
break into the auditorium.

One cheeky thief thought he'd
fool the local constabulary by
posing as a dummy alongside
the Victoriana...clad mannequins
which are dotted about the balcony
and auditorium.



sadly for him...



his tracksuit and trainers

gave him away.

...................



What about the lady who went

to her Doctor because she had a

very sore throat.



when she arrived at the surgery...

the receptionist asked for her date

of birth.

In a barely audible whisper...

she told the receptionist she was in

her fifties.



The receptionist whispered back...



"It's OK...



I'm not going to tell anyone"...

.................



Then there were Two guys in

a bar discussing the case of

women's 800 metres winner

Caster Semenya who had been

accused of being a man.


"To be fair"..

said one...

"to win such an event in the

glare of such publicity and

criticism...

that must take a lot of balls".


The conversation then turned
to the fact that the gender
testing could take some weeks
to come up with a definitive result.

"Would it not be quicker and
simpler"...

said the other....

"just to ask her to parallel park?".
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 05 Sep 2009, 4:31 pm

How I have missed your humor! cheers
lol! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 07 Sep 2009, 11:08 am

ONE of the services people
seem to need is that of a
personal trainer.

many a gym fanatic feels they
must have one or die.

Not everyone has quite
got the hang of what kind of
service they provide.

One such trainer in Glasgow
received a phone call from

a woman who inquired...

How much would it cost to
toilet-train her dog?.

...................

What about the wee scottish drunk
who asked the barman...

"At the Last Supper....

how come nabody sat oan the
ither side o' the table?"

..........................

Then there's the poor wee soul
who felt he was doing a grand
job wall-papering his front room.

He found it a bit difficult putting
up with his wife's frequent
suggestions that he had left a
bubble or two and that one or two
strips of paper weren't straight.

Seeing the fed-up look on his face...

she eventually said....

"The problem is A'm a perfectionist
'An' you're No".

He knew he really shouldn't have...

but he just couldn't help himself
from saying...

"That's why you married me
and I married you."

pale
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 15 Sep 2009, 7:22 pm

After staggering out of the pub on a
saturday afternoon....

Wee tam saw brilliantly-illuminated
coloured neon signs advertising
Fish and Chips and Kebabs in the
window of a shop in one of the
main streets.

"That'll do me"..

he said to himself....

and walked inside.

the shop consisted of a
desk and few filing cabinets.

there wasn't much of a smell of
freshly-cooked fish or meat.

"Ah was efter a fish supper pal....

he told the chap behind the desk who
politely informed him that he couldn't
help him as they only manufactured
neon signs for chippies and kebab
shops.
.................................
A mother has the unsavory job
of telling her wee boy that his dog
Laddie had died during the night.

Expecting floods of tears....


she was surprised to find there
was a quiet acceptance....

and off to school he went with
a kiss and a hug.

On his return the first thing he

asked his mother....

"Where's Laddie?"....

Mum told him again that Laddie
had died.

Now the tears flowed and
awful sobs followed.

His mother asked why he hadn't

cried in the morning.

The boy said....

"I thought you said Daddy!"
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 18 Sep 2009, 1:02 pm

Among the many and varied reasons
why we drink....

The following juxtaposition....

as it were....

must surely rank highly.

Without a drink inside you....

you spend about two hours
deciding to go over to a
member of the opposite sex
you've been eyeing up all night
and out of your mouth comes the
following....

"Mumbble Greeebly shtrummmp
blarmmm".

With ten pints inside you....

you spend about five minutes
making the same decision...

and out of your mouth comes
the following....

"Mumbble Greeebly shtrummmp
blarmmm".

In the second example....

If the object of your desire
has had a few drinks....

You might well be on for a
shag....

whereas in the first example
you're probably on for being
sectioned.

Now being realistic....

all your really up for is a quick
bunk-up without too much
discussion...if any.

then go home..hoping never to
have to see each other again.

Then again....

We've all seen

FATAL ATTRACTION.

and if you're really unlucky
you may be entering a battle
of the sexes that can last an
awfully long time!.




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PostSubject: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 18 Sep 2009, 1:33 pm

ROFL ROFL lol!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 18 Sep 2009, 3:51 pm

It is now a legal requirement for
each and every pub in the land
to have a night....

Where some local loudmouth is
given a microphone so that they
can become even louder....

as they blast out an astonishing
array of questions....

supposed to be general knowledge.

But in fact requiring a PhD....

or ten hours a day surfing the
internet to find an answer.

They do this to various groups
of people huddled round tables
masquerading under some
comical name such as....

"THE STUDS"....

or....

"THE CRANIAL CRUSADERS".

Who then scribble answers
down....

whilst simultaneously
operating a NATO-style defence
manoeuvre....

so that other comically named
teams can't see their answers.

At the end of it all the winners
get a bottle of whisky....

containing about the amount
they would have drunk if....

they hadn't been spending so
much time trying to answer
the questions....

could you come up with a

more exciting evening?.

didn't think so!...
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 21 Sep 2009, 3:05 pm

.................................. A day will come in the far distant future.


......................................as all things must surely come to be.


.......................................that I will be transported in about


...........................................sixty years time or so to that


................................................great motorcycle map


...................................................In the sky... where


................ ...................................all noobs go.. I


.......................................................Hope I am


......................................................remembered


..........................................................fondly.


........................................



.......................................................................Then again...... if not



.....................................
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 21 Sep 2009, 11:25 pm

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team have
fired their entire pit crew.

The announcement followed Ferrari's

decision to take advantage of the UK
Government's Youth Opportunity

scheme and employ people from
Glasgow.

The decision to hire them was
brought on by a recent documentary
on how unemployed youths from the
Glasgow area were able to remove a
set of wheels in less than 15 seconds
without proper equipment...

whereas Ferrari's existing crew can
only do it in 20 seconds with millions
of euros worth of high tech equipment.

the prime minister went on record as
saying this was a bold move by the
Ferrari management..

which demonstrated the international
recognition of the UK under his leadership.

As most races are won and lost in the

pits...

Ferrari now have an advantage
over every team.


However...

Ferrari may have got more than they
bargained for...

At the crew's first practice session...

the Glasgow pit crew...

successfully changed the tyres in
under 20 seconds...

and within the hour they had
re-sprayed... re-badged..

and sold the vehicle to the
McLaren team for 8 bottles
of Stella beer...

a kilo of speed and some photos
of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 22 Sep 2009, 1:31 pm

Here's a dilemma for you...

With all your honor and dignity what
would you do?

This test only has one question...

but it's a very important one.

Please don't answer it without giving
it some serious thought.

By giving an honest answer you will
be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely...

completely fictional situation...

where you will have to make a decision
one way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to
be honest...

yet spontaneous.

Please consider carefully...

this is important for the test to work
accurately.

You're in Florida...

In Miami... to be exact.

There is great chaos going on around
you....

caused by a hurricane and severe floods.

There are huge masses of water all over
you.

You are a professional photographer and
you are in the middle of this great disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive
photos.

There are houses and people floating
around you...

disappearing into the water.

Nature is showing all its destructive
power and is ripping everything away
with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water...

he is fighting for his life...

trying not to be taken away by the
masses of water and mud.

You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is ...

it's... ex president...

George W. Bush!.

At the same time you notice that
the raging waters are about to take
him away...

forever.

You have two options.

You can save him or you can take the
best photo of your life.

So you can save the life of...

George W. Bush...

(some say the greatest president ever).

or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo.

A unique photo displaying the death of one of
the world's most popular men.

And here's the question...

(please give an honest answer).

Would you select color film...

or rather go with the simplicity
of classic black and white?

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mraztec3{KAN}
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Fav MP map : No favorites, but I do have dislikes
Fav SP game : Prototype, Skyrim, FO:NV
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Registration date : 2009-03-18

PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 23 Sep 2009, 12:26 am

Depends on where the photo is gonna be shown, skin.
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: brown trousers   Fri 02 Oct 2009, 9:29 am

This guy has worked For two years at Asda.

he has wanted to ask a certain girl who also
works there...
out on a date...
but has never had the courage.

Finally... one day over the summer...
he sees her at work and musters up the courage
to ask her out.

She accepts..
and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night..
this guy goes out with all of his pals...
and drinks like there is no tomorrow.

Saturday...

he is in such bad shape that he can't make it
through twenty minutes without either puking
or sh*tting.

After several hours of this...
he is able to stop puking...
but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.

He doesn't want to cancel the date...
because he's afraid she won't ever talk to him again.

So they meet...
and take the train to London...

They get to the restaurant...
and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use
the bathroom.

They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without
interruption...
but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert.

During dessert...
our hero feels another rumbling...
but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom
freak...
so he holds it in.

After a few minutes...
the rumbling subsides...
but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there
at the table...

(discreetly... of course).

Unfortunately...
this little bit of gas came with another little surprise.

"Oh sh*t" he thinks...

(and feels).

Instead of running to the bathroom right away...
our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to
keep from sitting on this surprise.

He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert...
trying to figure out what to do before his tanned pants..

(a) start to smell...
or (b)... start to show stains on the outside.

He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant.

Oh... by the way...
he is now walking like he presses his trousers over a barrel .

On the way to the train station...
they pass a clothes shop.

"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was
looking at last week?"...
he asks.

"No problem...
I'd like to look around too"...
she replies.

They go into the shop.

Fortunately...
men's fashions are on the right...

women's fashions are on the left.

They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach...
and hurries back to the trouser section.

After selecting a pair that most closely resemble
his current outfit...

he brings both items to the register.

His eyes are on his date...

(still on the other side of the store)
to make sure that she doesn't see
him buying the pants.

He doesn't even want the sweater...
so he says through clenched teeth...

(just in case his date can read lips from
40 feet away)...

"Just the pants".

"What?"...
asks the shop girl.

"Just the pants!".

(His Eyes still trained on his date.)

The shop girl said...
"Oh..
OK".

He pays for the pants and walks over
to his date..
then they leave the store.

They board the train just before it leaves the
station and find two seats in the middle of the car.

Without sitting down..
our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom
in the back of the train...
just as it is leaving.

He quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts.

He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.

After cleaning himself off...

he opens the Asda bag and pulls out...

just the sweater.



Last edited by skinman {kan} on Sun 18 Oct 2009, 9:09 am; edited 2 times in total
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