My secret is out....
I am bananas....

Swine flu song....

Police in California pulled over a cyclist
who was wearing a T-shirt with

"PRISONER"
printed on the back.

The chap wearing it...
Isreal Ramirez...
aged 20....
was not an escaped prisoner...
but had been released from
the County Jail the day before...
and had walked out without
returning his prison-issue top.

He was sent back to jail for
possession of stolen property.

They've started a support group"...

"for women who can't stop talking".

"It's called On and On Anon".

Against the background of the threat of
a Third World War engulfing Europe...

The French Foreign Minister read to the
international press a declaration calling
on France.. Germany and other European
countries to pool together their coal and
steel production.

What was created was a Europe united
around the principles of freedom and
solidarity.

59 years on... the EU plays a vital
role in our everyday lives..
from the air we breathe..
and the water we drink and bathe in..

to the cleanliness of our beaches and
the price of flights and mobile phone calls.

It demonstrates sovereign nations strength
working together rather than acting apart.

On issues such as the environment and the
single market....

The EU's deficiencies are still numerous
and there are evident Imperfections
including high levels of bureaucracy
and waste.

With all its faults..
the delivery of post-war peace..economic
prosperity.. stability and security are just
some of the EU's successes.

May 9th.. "Europe Day".. in 1950...
was the first move to what is now the
European Union.

Our membership of it makes us stronger
as a nation in addressing today's threats
and challenges.. such as organised crime...
terrorism.. climate change and the global
economic recession.

the European Union.. boasting 27 member
states and comprising 500 million people.

Two Italian guys are driving through
Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up and taps on
the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window...

and the trooper smacks him in the

head with the stick.

The driver says...

"Why'd you do that?.

The trooper says...

"You're in Texas... son.

When I pull you over....

you'll have your licence ready".

The Driver says...

"I'm sorry... officer....

I'm not from around here".

The trooper runs a check on the
guy's licence....

and he's clean.

He gives the guy his licence back
and walks around to the passenger
side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls his window down...

and the trooper smacks him with the
nightstick.

The passenger says....

"What'd you do that for?"

The cop says....

"Just making your wishes come
true".

The passenger says...

"Huh?".

The cop says....

"I know that two miles down the
road you're gonna say....

I wish that guy would've tried
that crap with me!.

At the National Art Gallery in Edinburgh...

A husband and wife were staring at a
portrait that had them completely
confused.

The painting depicted three black men
totally naked sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies...

but the one in the middle had a pink
willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that
they were having trouble interpreting
the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining
how it depicted the sexual emasculation
of black men in a predominately white...

patriarchal society.

"In fact"...he pointed out...

"some serious critics believe that the pink
willie also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by
gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left...

a wee scotsman...

approached the couple and said..

"Would ye like to know whit the painting
is really aboot?".

"Now why would you claim to be more
of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?"...

asked the couple.

"Cause I'm the wan who painted it"...
he replied.

"In fact...

there's nae black men depicted at aw! ...

They're jist three scottish coal miners.

The wan in the middle went hame
fur lunch".

Flicking through an upmarket
magazine...

Country Life..

at my local dentist's waiting
room I read an article entitled...

How to Survive the Credit Crunch.

the suggestion...

"not to allow children at boarding
school home for weekends"...

saves greatly on your food bill.

Of course...

not actually sending them there
in the first place wasn't even
considered as a money saver....

Tut..Tut.


.........

I see that the South African
president is a polygamist.

I don't see how he has time
to collect stamps....

when he has three wives
to tend.

If there was one problem in
the parish it involved the constant
rows between Sean and Bridie Flynn.

Fearsome were their tempers and
long were their memories.

So Friday evening saw them rowing
over some small happening from
months before.

Bridie struck Sean with the phone ...

Sean countered with the back
of his hand.

Bridie came back with a broom
handle across his shoulders.

Sean grabbed the implement and
pulled Bridie down the stairs.

With the impetus of her fall...

Sean spun her out of the open
front door and into the street.

He threw himself astride her winded
frame and began slapping her across
the face...

just as Father Murphy came round
the comer on his Friday visits.

Looking up and seeing the priest...

Sean thought quickly and glowering
at his prostrate spouse he roared...

"Now will you go to Mass?".

Irish Bank Robbery.


Once inside the bank shortly
after midnight....

their efforts at disabling the
internal security system got
underway immediately.

The robbers...

who expected to find one or
two large safes filled with cash
and valuables...

were surprised to see hundreds
of smaller safes scattered
throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first
safe's combination...

and inside they found only a
bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's
audio-tape system...

one said...

"At least we'll get a bit
to eat".

The robbers opened up a
second safe....

and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until
all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound
sterling.. a diamond.. or an
ounce of gold.

Instead... all the safes
contained covered bowls
of pudding.

Disappointed...
the robbers made a quiet
exit...

each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy...

uncomfortably full stomach.

The next morning
The newspaper
headline read....

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM
BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS
MORNING.

erhhhh man the thought of that is making me feel a little bit queasy