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 SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.

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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Thu 26 Mar 2009, 5:19 pm

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 27 Mar 2009, 2:17 pm

THE auld scot in the
bar the other day
was telling his pals..

"These days I spend
a lot of time thinking
about the hereafter".

When they asked
him why..
he said..

"I go into a room
in the house..
and then think..

What am I
hereafter?".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 27 Mar 2009, 2:55 pm

A complex issue that has been
a matter of controversy and
discussion for decades..
indeed for centuries..

Is the Act that states that heirs
to the english throne lose their
right to be the sovereign if
they marry a Catholic or
convert .. forcing royal brides
over the years to leave the
faith to protect their husband's
birthright.

the uniquely discriminatory rule
which currently exists..
that an individual in the line of
succession to the throne can
have a civil partnership with a
Catholic can marry a Muslim
or atheist..

but cannot marry a Catholic is
well outdated.

We should also end the outdated
rule which allows a woman in
line of succession to the throne
to be automatically superseded
by a younger male sibling.

"If our current monarch had a
younger brother..

we would never have had a
Queen Elizabeth II."

While there is no question of
changing the constitutional role
of the Monarch or...
of changing the role of the
Church of England as the
established church..

people expect those in
authority to look at the
present discrimination.

What's your view.
king queen
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skinman {kan}
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 28 Mar 2009, 2:59 pm

Around the stadium it will be deafening....

As the team and the Tartan Army proudly
sing the national anthem before kick-off..

but another off..pitch battle is being fought..
the rights to a particular Flower of Scotland.

A Dutch plant nursery owner..has managed
to secure a US patent for a bloom bearing
the name of the national anthem that he
snatched from Scotland..cultivated in Holland..
and which is now being marketed and sold
in America.

the only person in the world to have any
rights to a Flower of Scotland bloom is A
Dutch nursery owner.

he's been quite open about finding the
flower in Gretna Green before reproducing
it at his Nursery.

He gave it the name after finding it growing
on a roadside while on holiday in Scotland.

The song by The Corries.. who own the rights
to the song was written over forty years ago.

How anyone can have the cheek to take a
flower from here..
cultivate it in Holland..
and call it Flower of Scotland is ridiculous.

Who are these people?.
scratch


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 28 Mar 2009, 3:14 pm

returning to the start of the discourse of the issue that children living in a virtual world, I have seen the film by Pixar "wall-e" beautiful and very meaningful if you go on like this we will all be in those conditions qul watch film and then tell me
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 28 Mar 2009, 5:50 pm

(((gio))) {KAN} wrote:
returning to the start of the discourse of the issue that children living in a virtual world, I have seen the film by Pixar "wall-e" beautiful and very meaningful if you go on like this we will all be in those conditions qul watch film and then tell me

Hi.. (((gio)))...

Having watched the trailer
with my granddaughter...

I think it will a great movie
for the younger generation..
and adults alike..

we both loved the trailer it
seems like it will have a
great deal of escapism...
from the real world which we
all need from time to time.

If only they could Install people
with the same feeling and real
heart that the robots portray in
the film .
It would certainly Improve peoples
quality of life.

But could they ever Install such
a rare complex commodity
in robots?..........

Machines will only ever
be as good as the men
who make them....

men being basically flawed
in one way or other...
silent
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 31 Mar 2009, 12:22 am

I couldn't wait to go
down the pub on
saturday to tell
my pals....how my
sexual prowess had
Improved this year.

I told them that I was
thinking of writing off
to the guiness book
of records.
that my ability to
maintain my lovemaking
lasted an hour and two
minutes.

I was somewhat taken
aback...when they
reminded me that the
clocks went forward
an hour.

Still two minutes Eh!....
Sleep
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 31 Mar 2009, 12:31 am

OMG!!! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 03 Apr 2009, 8:01 pm

Noticed the other day
a sign outside a church
stating..

"Baby and Toddlers
Nearly New Sale".

wonder if the organisers
are expecting singer
Madonna to turn up?.
...............
SCHOOL crossing patrols in
Glasgow are to test a secret
weapon in the fight against
dangerous drivers ...lollycams.

The video cameras will be
fitted to some of the city's
300 hand..held lollipop signs..

allowing crossing patrols to
record offenders who ignore
their instructions to stop.

The mini cameras..
fitted to either side of the pole..
record video and sound and
capture reckless drivers on film.

The cameras are activated when
the pole touches the ground and
are pointed at the offending car
to record the number plate.

school crossing patrols in
Glasgow hope the cameras will
act as a deterrent....

A rocket launcher and chaingun
would be a more visible... and
perhaps better deterrent against
these dangerous drivers who
don't care about anyone but
themselves.
No
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 05 Apr 2009, 12:14 am

Stem cells that could be used
to restore hearing have been
successfully created..

A Sheffield University team
took stem cells from foetuses
and converted them into cells
that behave like sensory hair
cells in the human inner ear.

Their discovery could ultimately
help those who have lost hair
cells through noise damage and
some people born with inherited
hearing problems..

That's If scientists can find ways
to deliver new cells to the
inner ear..
and wire them up correctly.

But any cure is still some years
away..

In the meantime the use of stem
cells is a controversial one ..

There are those Including myself..
who object to the use of a foetus
on the grounds that it is unethical
to destroy embryos in the name
of science. But I'm afraid it may
be falling on deaf ears...If you'll
pardon the pun
Crying or Very sad


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 05 Apr 2009, 1:25 am

Perils of a Catholic
Upbringing....

As I walked down the busy street..
knowing I was late for Mass..

my eyes fell upon one of those
unfortunate..

homeless vagabonds that are
found in every city these days.
Some people turned to stare.

Others quickly looked away as
if the sight would somehow
contaminate them.

Recalling my old pastor
Father Mike..
who always admonished me to
"care for the sick..
feed the hungry and clothe
the naked"

I was moved by some powerful
inner urge to reach out to this
unfortunate person..

Wearing what can only be described
as rags..
carrying every worldly possession
in two plastic bags..

my heart was touched by this
person's condition.

Yes..
where some people saw only rags..
I saw a true..
hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head
called out....

"Reach out.....
reach out and touch this person!"



So I did.....



I wont be at mass
this week...
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 05 Apr 2009, 1:50 am

Sometimes when I
reflect back on all
the Alcohol I drink..

I feel shame..

Then I look into
the glass and think
about the workers in
the vineyards and
all of their hopes
and dreams...

If I didn't drink
this wine....

they might be out
of work and their
dreams would be
shattered.

Then I say to myself...

"It is better that I drink
this wine and let their
dreams come true than
be selfish and worry
about my liver".

I feel sorry for people
who don't drink..
When they wake up in
the morning....
that's as good as they're
going to feel all day....

24 hours in a day...

24 beers in a case....

Coincidence?....
I think not....

When we drink...
we get drunk....

When we get drunk...
we fall asleep.

When we fall asleep...
we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin...
we go to heaven.

So... let's all get drunk
and go to heaven!.

Wine is proof that God
loves us and wants us
to be happy.

To some it's just Wine...
to me it's Support....

Salvation in a can!...Hic..

drunken
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 06 Apr 2009, 4:13 pm

An Inspirational story
for us all to enjoy.....

This is a story about a
dog who was born with
three legs - 2 healthy hind
legs and 1 abnormal
front leg which needed
to be amputated.


He of course could not
walk when he was born.

Even his mother did not
want him.

He was rejected and
scorned.

His first owner also did
not think that he could
survive.
Therefore.. he was thinking
of putting him to sleep..

At this time.. his present
owner came into his life
and wanted to take care
of him.
determined to teach and
train this dog to walk by
himself.

The new owner thought...
all we need is a little faith.

So the owner named him
"Faith".



In the beginning Faith was
put on a surf board to let
him feel the movements
of the water.

Later the owner used
peanut butter on a spoon
as a lure and to reward
him for standing up and
jumping around.

Even the other dogs at
home helped to encourage
him to walk.

Amazingly..after only six
months.. like a miracle..

Faith learned to balance on
his two hind legs and jumped
to move forward.

After further training in the
snow.. he can now walk like
a human being.



Faith loves to walk around
now.

A person who feels
things are not going as well
as they could.. will feel better
when they see things such
as this wee dog who has
triumphed over such a
disability.

Life is the continual
demonstration of the
power of thinking positive
and having faith.

Believe in yourself.

Never lose faith.
Up
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 10 Apr 2009, 7:38 pm

What about the man who had
gone to tidy a relative's grave
at the local cemetery...

only to discover that the gates
had been locked while he was
there..
and he and his car were inside.

He phoned his wife on his mobile
to see if she could track down a
key-holder.

Not knowing who to contact..

she phoned the local police..

and now realises that telling them..

"My husband is in a cemetery and
is trying to get out"...

was the reason why she was not
treated entirely seriously by the
policeman who asked...

"How long's he been deid hen?".
scratch
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 10 Apr 2009, 7:47 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
An Inspirational story
for us all to enjoy.....

This is a story about a
dog who was born with
three legs - 2 healthy hind
legs and 1 abnormal
front leg which needed
to be amputated.


He of course could not
walk when he was born.

Even his mother did not
want him.

He was rejected and
scorned.

His first owner also did
not think that he could
survive.
Therefore.. he was thinking
of putting him to sleep..

At this time.. his present
owner came into his life
and wanted to take care
of him.
determined to teach and
train this dog to walk by
himself.

The new owner thought...
all we need is a little faith.

So the owner named him
"Faith".



In the beginning Faith was
put on a surf board to let
him feel the movements
of the water.

Later the owner used
peanut butter on a spoon
as a lure and to reward
him for standing up and
jumping around.

Even the other dogs at
home helped to encourage
him to walk.

Amazingly..after only six
months.. like a miracle..

Faith learned to balance on
his two hind legs and jumped
to move forward.

After further training in the
snow.. he can now walk like
a human being.



Faith loves to walk around
now.

A person who feels
things are not going as well
as they could.. will feel better
when they see things such
as this wee dog who has
triumphed over such a
disability.

Life is the continual
demonstration of the
power of thinking positive
and having faith.

Believe in yourself.

Never lose faith.
Up

I like that Up it's all about attitude

_________________

     
   
"if its got tits or wheels it'l cost you money"
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 10 Apr 2009, 7:56 pm

What a great story, Skinman. Thank your for posting it.
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 10 Apr 2009, 9:07 pm

Thanks Skinman.

Stories like that make me feel guilty.

Great.

Laughing I'm joking XD
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 13 Apr 2009, 4:23 pm

An auld scotsman bragging
in A bar about how tough
the scots are said...

"Ah' have a pal who played
against the Welsh at rugby.

After wan game he came
Aff the park wi' a pair of
bruised and bleeding
testicles.

Even noo'...

he still disnae' know
who they belong to."
Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 15 Apr 2009, 2:57 pm

I hear that most of the 2.000
heavy-duty nuts are to be
replaced on the Forth Road
Bridge...
in case they fail in the future.

The move comes after bridge
inspectors found nine cracked
nuts during a routine check
last year.

The FORTH Bridge operators
said the replacement of the
nuts is precautionary and that
the bridge remains safe...

(famous last words).

The nuts are used to secure
"cable bands" to the bridge's
main cables.

Each cable band is held in place
by a number of high steel bolts...

pre-tensioned to a load of 80
tonnes.

All the cable band nuts and bolts
were replaced in the late 1990s
but an inspection last year found
that nine nuts had cracked.

I think that there should be an
Investigation into the nut who
fabricated the faulty parts and
tell him to incur the cost
then bolt.
No
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 15 Apr 2009, 3:13 pm

Wee Tam was playing rugby
when he suddenly collapsed
after he appeared to have
been hurt in the scrum.....

the trainer ran on.

"Where do you hurt?"...
asked the trainer.

"Everywhere I touch is sore"....
said wee tam...
rather pathetically.

"My leg..
my head..
my shoulder..
my knee..
everywhere".

"I see what the
problem is"...
said the trainer.

"You've broken
your finger!".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 17 Apr 2009, 3:55 pm

I read an article that exposes
some disturbing statistics.

The fact that 40%.. of the
world's fishing catch is either
wasted or illegal.. unregulated
and unmonitored and that each
year.. we take 38 million tonnes
of marine life from the sea and
either throw it back dead..
or sell it without regard to the
Impact on the fish stock.

It clearly shows the extent of
the crisis in the fishing industry.

Almost one million tonnes of fish
are discarded each year in EU
waters..
most of it in the North Sea....
at a time of economic crisis..
when many families are
struggling to buy food..
don't you think it's morally
unjustifiable to dump healthy
fish into the sea.............
No


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 18 Apr 2009, 9:38 am

yes ,but so is the butter mountain and the rest of the eu agriculture industry forced to waste and dump food due to poorly thought out policy and regulation....sigh..dont think it will ever change untill its too late
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 18 Apr 2009, 1:11 pm

Hi ....M.L.F....

As for the european agricultural
policy...
change might not be too far off
in the distant horizon.

A series of reforms have been
carried out in recent years...

the most significant being the
Single Payment Scheme intended
to break the link between farm
aid and production.

farmers have more of their
subsidies for food production
diverted towards rural
development.

Milk quotas farmers get...
are being scrapped in 2015.

Instead of paying farmers to
produce more...
the EU now makes payments
conditional on farmers meeting
environmental and animal
welfare standards and keeping
their land in good condition.

So eventually you may see
Milk lakes...Beef and butter
mountains disappear.

But I have always believed that
The Common Agricultural Policy
is a scandalous waste of money...

and the subsidies harm farmers
in developing countries.

As for the fishing Industry...
overfishing will I think results in
profound changes in our oceans...

perhaps changing them forever.
Not to mention our dinner plates.

It might already be too late for the
fish stocks to recover....

and unless some major
world policies are Implemented and
enforced properly then fish will go
the way of so many of our past
Endangered species...being extinct.

Crying or Very sad

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 19 Apr 2009, 5:44 pm

One day a very wealthy father
took his son on a trip to the
country....

for the sole purpose of showing
his son how it was to be poor.

They spent a few days and
nights on the farm of what
would be considered a very
poor family.

After they returned from
the trip...
the father asked his son
how he liked staying at
the farm.

"It was great....

Dad!"...

the son exclaimed.

Surprised at his son's
response...

the father asked...

"Didn't you see how poor
people can be?".

"Oh.. yeah"...

said the son.

"So what did you learn
from our trip?"...

asked the father.

The son said....

"I saw that we have
one dog and they had
four.

We have a pool that reaches
to the middle of our garden
and they have a creek that
has no end.

We have imported lanterns
in our garden and they have
the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front
yard and they have the whole
horizon.

We have a small piece of land
to live on and they have fields
that go beyond our sight.

We buy our food at the store...
but they grow theirs fresh.

We have walls around our
property to protect us...

they have friends to protect them".

The boy's father was speechless.

The son added...

"It showed me how poor we are".

Too many times we forget
what we have ...
and concentrate on
what we don't have.
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PostSubject: Quasimodo   Sun 19 Apr 2009, 6:24 pm

Quasimodo .
.........

The Hunchback of Notre Dame was
looking for an assistant bell ringer.

He got an assistant and he wanted
to make sure the person was
competent.

Quasimodo said.....

"watch me and I'll show you the
proper way to ring the bell".

So Quasi lines up and runs full
steam at the bell and throws
himself face first at the bell.

His head hits the bell and a
loud thuuunnnngg is heard.

So the assistant tries it...
he lines up...he runs...
he throws himself at the bell
and only a small dink is heard.

The assistant quickly says...

"let me try it again...

this time I can do it better
and really make that bell
ring".

So he tries it again and once
more as his head hits....

only a small dink sound
is heard.

Quasimodo now grunts...

"one more try and if you
can't make it ring you're
fired".

This time the new guy takes
a long run...
gets going really fast and just
as he throws himself at the bell...

he slips and falls out the window
and crashes on the ground below.

A crowd gathers around the body...
and a policeman below looks up
and sees Quasimodo at the window
far above.

He shouts out....

"Quasimodo do you know who this
person is?".

Quasimodo grunts back...

"No...


his face doesn't ring a bell".
......................

Quasimodo was upset by this...

mostly because he was without
an assistant.

So he went looking for a new
assistant and acquired this person
who just happened to be the
first assistant's brother.

Quasimodo was showing the new
person around and demonstrating
how to run..
jump at the bell...
hit it with your face....
and make a resounding
"duuunnnngggg".

So the assistant tried...
he ran at the bell...
he jumped at the bell...

and he missed the bell completely
and instead went flying out
the window...
crashing to the ground below
just like his brother.

A crowd gathered around the
body...
and a policeman...

the same one who found the
other body...

looked up and saw Quasimodo
at the window above.

He yelled up and asked
Quasimodo...

"Hey Quasimodo...
do you know who this
person is?".

Quasimodo looked down
and grunted...

"No..

but he's a dead-ringer
for his brother".
Embarassed
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 20 Apr 2009, 2:35 pm

A post mortem has revealed
Ian Tomlinson...
died from internal bleeding
after being assaulted by police
during the demonstrations at
the G20 summit last month.

He was not a protester.

A police officer has been
interviewed under caution on
suspicion of manslaughter.

SERIOUS ALLEGATIONS have
also emerged of police brutality
directed towards journalists
reporting on the G20 protests
in London this month.

Some 185 people have made
complaints against the police
following clashes between
officers and protesters at the
summit.

At least 90 are claims of
excessive force by alleged
victims or witnesses to brutality.

I think This was indiscriminate
attacks on people doing nothing
wrong....
so much for the good old british
police.

If you really want to save the
police some time....

beat yourself up!
No
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 25 Apr 2009, 7:39 pm

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 27 Apr 2009, 9:22 am

Can we save her?....

ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 27 Apr 2009, 9:25 am

skinman {kan} wrote:
Can we save her?....

ROFL


Whoops lol!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 28 Apr 2009, 2:16 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:

OMG!! I laughed so hard!! Thank you Skinman!! lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 29 Apr 2009, 12:36 am

Could this be the
Beastie we know?....
ROFL ROFL


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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Wed 29 Apr 2009, 1:54 pm

skinman {kan} wrote:
Could this be the
Beastie we know?....
ROFL ROFL



lol! ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL
our leader!!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 02 May 2009, 11:26 am

If men got pregnant....



Morning sickness would rank
as the nations number one
health problem.

Maternity leave would last
for two years with full pay.

Children would be kept in
the hospital until toilet
trained.

Natural childbirth would
become obsolete.

All methods of birth control
would become 100%
effective.

Men would be eager to talk
about commitment.

There would be a cure for
stretch marks.

They would serve beer
instead of coffee at
antenatal classes.

Men wouldn’t think twins
were so cute.

Sons would have to come
home from dates by 9 pm.
Razz
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 04 May 2009, 2:03 pm

Latest news from A Glasgow hospital...

where the couple with swine flu were
told that they were being put on a
special diet of pizza and pancakes.

"Will that help us get better?"....
they asked.

"No"... said staff...

"but it's the only food we can
slide under the door".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Mon 04 May 2009, 2:11 pm

lol! ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 05 May 2009, 12:21 pm

My secret is out....
I am bananas....

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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Tue 05 May 2009, 12:32 pm

Swine flu song....

Swine Flu Song- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

affraid
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 08 May 2009, 11:41 am

Police in California pulled over a cyclist
who was wearing a T-shirt with

"PRISONER"
printed on the back.

The chap wearing it...
Isreal Ramirez...
aged 20....
was not an escaped prisoner...
but had been released from
the County Jail the day before...
and had walked out without
returning his prison-issue top.

He was sent back to jail for
possession of stolen property.

ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 08 May 2009, 11:47 am

They've started a support group"...

"for women who can't stop talking".

"It's called On and On Anon".
geek
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sun 10 May 2009, 8:35 am

Against the background of the threat of
a Third World War engulfing Europe...

The French Foreign Minister read to the
international press a declaration calling
on France.. Germany and other European
countries to pool together their coal and
steel production.

What was created was a Europe united
around the principles of freedom and
solidarity.

59 years on... the EU plays a vital
role in our everyday lives..
from the air we breathe..
and the water we drink and bathe in..

to the cleanliness of our beaches and
the price of flights and mobile phone calls.

It demonstrates sovereign nations strength
working together rather than acting apart.

On issues such as the environment and the
single market....

The EU's deficiencies are still numerous
and there are evident Imperfections
including high levels of bureaucracy
and waste.

With all its faults..
the delivery of post-war peace..economic
prosperity.. stability and security are just
some of the EU's successes.

May 9th.. "Europe Day".. in 1950...
was the first move to what is now the
European Union.

Our membership of it makes us stronger
as a nation in addressing today's threats
and challenges.. such as organised crime...
terrorism.. climate change and the global
economic recession.

the European Union.. boasting 27 member
states and comprising 500 million people.

Hug
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 15 May 2009, 12:43 am

Two Italian guys are driving through
Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up and taps on
the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window...

and the trooper smacks him in the

head with the stick.

The driver says...

"Why'd you do that?.

The trooper says...

"You're in Texas... son.

When I pull you over....

you'll have your licence ready".

The Driver says...

"I'm sorry... officer....

I'm not from around here".

The trooper runs a check on the
guy's licence....

and he's clean.

He gives the guy his licence back
and walks around to the passenger
side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls his window down...

and the trooper smacks him with the
nightstick.

The passenger says....

"What'd you do that for?"

The cop says....

"Just making your wishes come
true".

The passenger says...

"Huh?".

The cop says....

"I know that two miles down the
road you're gonna say....

I wish that guy would've tried
that crap with me!.
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 15 May 2009, 11:16 am

ROFL ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 16 May 2009, 7:03 am

At the National Art Gallery in Edinburgh...

A husband and wife were staring at a
portrait that had them completely
confused.

The painting depicted three black men
totally naked sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies...

but the one in the middle had a pink
willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that
they were having trouble interpreting
the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining
how it depicted the sexual emasculation
of black men in a predominately white...

patriarchal society.

"In fact"...he pointed out...

"some serious critics believe that the pink
willie also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by
gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left...

a wee scotsman...

approached the couple and said..

"Would ye like to know whit the painting
is really aboot?".

"Now why would you claim to be more
of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?"...

asked the couple.

"Cause I'm the wan who painted it"...
he replied.

"In fact...

there's nae black men depicted at aw! ...

They're jist three scottish coal miners.

The wan in the middle went hame
fur lunch".
Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 16 May 2009, 7:27 am

Flicking through an upmarket
magazine...

Country Life..

at my local dentist's waiting
room I read an article entitled...

How to Survive the Credit Crunch.

the suggestion...

"not to allow children at boarding
school home for weekends"...

saves greatly on your food bill.

Of course...

not actually sending them there
in the first place wasn't even
considered as a money saver....

Tut..Tut.
No

.........

I see that the South African
president is a polygamist.

I don't see how he has time
to collect stamps....

when he has three wives
to tend.
geek
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 16 May 2009, 11:39 am

lol! ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 22 May 2009, 1:12 pm

If there was one problem in
the parish it involved the constant
rows between Sean and Bridie Flynn.

Fearsome were their tempers and
long were their memories.

So Friday evening saw them rowing
over some small happening from
months before.

Bridie struck Sean with the phone ...

Sean countered with the back
of his hand.

Bridie came back with a broom
handle across his shoulders.

Sean grabbed the implement and
pulled Bridie down the stairs.

With the impetus of her fall...

Sean spun her out of the open
front door and into the street.

He threw himself astride her winded
frame and began slapping her across
the face...

just as Father Murphy came round
the comer on his Friday visits.

Looking up and seeing the priest...

Sean thought quickly and glowering
at his prostrate spouse he roared...

"Now will you go to Mass?".
Razz
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Fri 22 May 2009, 1:32 pm

lol! ROFL
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 23 May 2009, 12:41 am

Irish Bank Robbery.


Once inside the bank shortly
after midnight....

their efforts at disabling the
internal security system got
underway immediately.

The robbers...

who expected to find one or
two large safes filled with cash
and valuables...

were surprised to see hundreds
of smaller safes scattered
throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first
safe's combination...

and inside they found only a
bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's
audio-tape system...

one said...

"At least we'll get a bit
to eat".

The robbers opened up a
second safe....

and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding.

The process continued until
all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound
sterling.. a diamond.. or an
ounce of gold.

Instead... all the safes
contained covered bowls
of pudding.

Disappointed...
the robbers made a quiet
exit...

each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy...

uncomfortably full stomach.

The next morning
The newspaper
headline read....

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM
BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS
MORNING.
Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 23 May 2009, 6:59 am

erhhhh man the thought of that is making me feel a little bit queasy
lol! lol! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: SKINMAN'S SPEAK UP! SECTION.   Sat 23 May 2009, 11:48 am

lol! ROFL
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