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Topic review
Author
Message
skinman {kan}
Fri 27 Aug 2010, 2:47 pm
Serving tea....
In the lounge of the Maryhill old peoples home....
The nurse caught a whiff of something unpleasant.
"RIGHT YOU LOT"...she said.
"WHO'S MESSED IN THEIR PANTS!".
Nobody answered...so she patrolled the room to trace
the origin of the stench.
Finally...she found the culprit...Auld Tam...who was sitting in the
corner.
"Why didn't you answer me when I asked who had messed
in their pants?"....she demanded.
"OH'...he said....
"I thought you meant today".
skinman {kan}
Sat 21 Aug 2010, 8:10 am
Where's ma Sunday Post!?"...
Yelled the little old lady calling the newspaper office...
demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.
" Madam!"...
said the newspaper employee....
"today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow... That's SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone...
followed by a ray of recognition as the little old lady was heard to mutter....
"Well... SH*T.......
So that's how nabody wis at church the day".
skinman {kan}
Wed 11 Aug 2010, 3:11 pm
Three elderly scots...
one from Perth...one from Edinburgh...
and one from Glasgow...were standing
together urinating in a public toilet at a
football ground.
The Glaswegian...in the middle...looked
down to his right and noticed that the
chap from perth was producing two streams.
"What's the matter wi' you...pal?".
"Took a bullet in the war.
they had to remove part of my privates and
now I've just got two holes".
THe Glaswegian then looked to his left and
the chap from Edinburgh was producing three
streams.
"And whit's the matter wi' you...pal?".
"War wound as well.
shrapnel got me...and now I've got no privates...
jist three holes".
The guys from Perth and Edinburgh now looked at
the Glaswegian in the middle and together said...
"And whit's the matter with you...looks like you've
got about twenty streams...Is it an auld war wound?"
"Naw"...said the Glaswegian...
"MA ZIP'S STUCK!".
skinman {kan}
Sun 01 Aug 2010, 1:40 pm
Auld Sandy and his wife....
are sitting on the front porch one evening
when his wife picks up her cane...
and whacks Auld Sandy right across the
shins.
"Jesus Christ...Wuman!...whit the hell wis
that fur"...Auld Sandy screams.
"That's fur sixty years O' bad sex".
A few minutes later...Auld sandy picks up
his cane...and whacks his wife right across
her shins!...she yells.....
"Whit the hell wis that for?".
"That's fur knowing the difference".
skinman {kan}
Tue 27 Jul 2010, 6:39 pm
A man and his dog...
went into a pub in Falkirk.
"Sorry"...said the barman...
"But we don't allow dogs in this pub".
"BUT"...protested the man.....
"This is no ordinary dog.......
this is a talking dog".
"Utter nonesense!"...replied the barman.
"Let me prove it to you...now... ROVER!...
what do you call the outside of a tree?".
"BARK!".
"There you are... said the man.
"You see...he really can talk".
"LISTEN!...OUT!...BOTH OF YOU!.
You cannae fool me with this talking dog
stupidity".
"Let Rover have another go"...said the chap.
"ROVER!...who was Scotland's goalkeeper in
the world cup finals in 1982?".
"ROUGH!".
"Right...that's it"...said the barman.
"I've had enough of this".
And the man and his dog were shown the door.
Outside...the dog turned to the man and said...
"Maybe it wasn't Alan Rough....
maybe it was Andy Goram".
