JOE.. is sitting in the pub... enjoying a pint...

when a great looking young woman sits down

beside him... and gives him a dynamic smile.

Just as he's figuring out his opening line....

she says in a loud indignant voice that the
whole pub can hear....

"YOUR PLACE?...ABSOLUTELY NOT!".....

and she gets up and stomps off to the other
end of the bar.

JOE... sits there in confusion and embarrassment....

nursing his pint and wondering how to get out
of there.

After a while...she comes back...sits next to him
again...and says in a low voice....

"Look...I'm sorry about that.

I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm
conducting an experiment to see how people
react in unexpected stressful situations.

Please accept my apologies and let me pay for
your beer".

JOE... stands up indignantly and says at the
top of his voice....

"A HUNDRED POUNDS!...You must be joking!".

Each time...

Simon visits the pub... he has a little white box
that he puts down on the table.

the barmaid...finally overcome with interest..asks..

"What's in the box?".

To which Simon replies....

"The most amazing frog ever.

He loves to go on top of women ...

and he is really great".

He suggests she might like to find out just how good

the frog is...so they go in the back room where she
takes off all her clothes..and lies with her ligs akimbo.

Simon then takes the frog out of the box...

and places him between her legs.

After several minutes nothing is happening.

Simon reaches down...picks up the frog...and shaking
him says....

"NOW LISTEN...I am only going to show you just one
more time!".

A man stumbles upon a genie's lamp, and proceeds to rub it. The genie pops out and says, "You may have one wish."
The man replies, "I thought I got three wishes?"
"No no no, I am a special kind of genie. What is your wish?"
The man thinks for a second and then says, "I want a highway from the mainland to my own personal island."
The genie says this is too hard, however.
The man thinks hard for some time about what he wants, then says:
"I want to understand women."

"So how many lanes you want on that highway?

...............A Wee Poem.

A Story I'll tell of a burglar bold
who started to rob a house.

He opened the window..and then
crept in..as quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to
hide..till the folks were fast asleep.

Then said he..
"With their money I'll take a quiet
sneak".


So under the bed the burglar crept..
he crept up close to the wall.

He didn't know it was an old maid's
room...or he wouldn't have had the
gall.


He thought of the money that he would
steal...as under the bed he lay...
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight that
made his hair turn gray....
At nine o'clock the old maid came in
"I'm so tired"... he heard her say.


She thought that all was well that night
so she didn't look under the bed....
She took out her teeth and her big glass
eye...and the hair from off her head....
The burglar..he had forty fits as he watched
from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept...he
was a total wreck...but the old maid wasn't
asleep at all..she grabbed him by the neck.

she didn't holler.... or shout..or call..she was
as cool as a clam...she said...

"The saints be praised.. I've got a man
actually near my bed!".

From under the pillow a gun she drew..and to
the burglar she said....

"Young man ..if you don't marry me..I'll blow
of the top of your head!".

She held him firmly by the neck...he hadn't a
chance to scoot...he looked at the teeth and
the big glass eye....

and said..." Madam...for pete's sake....Shoot!".

Old Mr. Smith....

Resided in a nursing home.

One day he went into the nurse's office
and informed nurse Jones that his Winkie
had died.

Nurse Jones...realizing that Mr. Jones was
old and forgetful...decided to play along
with him.

"It did?...I'm sorry to hear that"...she
replied.

Two days later...Mr. Smith was walking
down the halls at the nursing home with
his Winkie hanging outside his pants.

Nurse Jones saw him and said....

"Mr. Smith...I thought you told me your
Winkie had died".

"It did"...he said.

"Today is the viewing!.

A man from the Inland Revenue....

arrived for a surprise audit on a small businessman.


"So...everyone here is obviously paid at least the
minimum wage?"...said the Inspector.

"Right"...said the businessman...except of course...

for the half wit".

"Oh'...really"...said the Inspector....suddenly taking
an Interest.

"And what does the half wit earn?".

"Well...said the businessman....

It probably works out at about two pounds per hour...

plus all the cold coffee he can drink...and a slice of
stale fruitcake at christmas".

"I see"...said the Inspector.

"well...If you could just bring the half wit in here
right now...so I can have a chat with him".

"I don't have to bring him in"...said the businessman...

"You're talking to him!".

The phone rings....

The lady of the house answers....

"hello?".

"Mrs. Ward please".

"Speaking".

"Mrs. Ward...this is Dr. Jones at the Medical testing
laboratory.

when your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the
lab...the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as
well...and now we're uncertain as to which ones are
your husband's.

Frankly...the news is either bad...or terrible".

"What do you mean?".

"Well...one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's
disease...and the other positive for AIDS.

We can't tell which one your husband's is".

"That's terrible!"...can't we just do the tests over?".

"Normally...yes...but Medicare won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once".

"AND!...what the hell am I supposed to do now?".

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop
your husband off in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home....don't sleep with him!".

A really old lady....

Thought she needed toughening up to cope
with today's world...so she decides to join a
gang.

She rolled up to the Hell's Angel's BIker's
club and tapped on the door.

"Excuse me...sirs...I'd like to join your club...
if you please"...she croaked in a feeble voice.

A grunt came from inside.

"Ha!...you got no chance...lady.

we only take the toughest of the tough into
our club...you can only join if you drink!".

"OH' BOY...do I drink...I slam a few down every
night after playing pool with the boys"...she
croaked back.

"YEAH?...WELL...you can only join if you smoke".

"Does marijuana count?...cus I don't mind a few
joints after playing pool with the boys".

"LADY...LOOK...How can I explain it to you.

The Hell's Angel's is strictly for the roughest....

toughest men in town.

Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?".


"WELL...Honestly...no...but I've been swung
around by the tits a few times!".

This bloke took a blind date to the fair.

They went for a ride on the Ferris Wheel.

The ride completed...she seemed rather
bored.

"What would you like to do next?"..he asked.

"I wanna get weighed"...she said.

So the bloke took her over to the guess your
weight machine.

"Eight stone"...said the man...and he was
absolutely right.

Next they rode the Roller Coaster.

After that...he bought her some popcorn and
a fizzy drink...then asked her what else she
would like to do.

"I wanna get weighed"...she sighed.

"I've really latched on to a saddo tonight"....
the young man said to himself...

and using the excuse that he had developed a
headache...he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home
so early...and asked...

"What's wrong...dear?...didn't you have a nice
time tonight?".

"WOUSY!"....she replied.

Well!..hellooo thar stranger...

long time no...

how you doin Lady?...

I rekon yo bin busy?.

There was once a young person named Red Riding Hood
Who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh
fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

Not because this was woman's work ...mind you...
but because the deed was generous and helped engender
A feeling of community.

Furthermore...her grandmother was not sick...but rather
was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable
of taking care of herself as a mature adult.


So...Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods.


Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and really
dangerous place... and never ever set foot in it.

Red Riding Hood...however...was confident enough in her own
budding sexuality.. that such obvious freudian imagery did not
intimidate her.

On her way to grandma's house...Red Riding Hood was accosted
by a wolf who asked her what was in her basket.

she replied....

"Some healthful snacks for my grandmother... who is certainly
capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult".

The wolf said...

"You know...my dear..it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through
these woods alone".

"I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme"..said Red
Riding Hood..."But I will ignore it because of your traditional
status as an outcast from society...the stress of which has
caused you to develop your own...entirely valid world view...

now ...if you'll excuse me...I must be on my way".

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.

Because his status outside society had freed him from
slavish adherence to linear...western style thought...the wolf
knew a quicker route to grandma's.

He burst into the house and ate grandma...an entirely valid
course of action for a carnivore such as himself.

then... unhampered by rigid traditional notions of what was
masculine or feminine...he put on grandma's night clothes and
crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said...

"Grandma..I have brought you some fat free..sodium free snacks
to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriach".

From the bed..the wolf said softly..."Come closer... child...so that
I might see you".

"Oh"..said Red Riding Hood..."I forgot you are so optically challenged.
"Grandma..what big eyes you have!".

"They have seen much..and forgiven much my dear"..said the wolf.

"Grandma"...said red riding hood..."what a big nose you have...
only relatively..of course..and certainly attractive in its own way".

"It has smelled much...and forgiven much..my dear"..said the wolf.

"Grandma...what big teeth you have!"...said red riding hood.

"I am happy with who I am and what I am"...said the wolf and leaped
out of bed.

He grabbed red riding hood in his claws..intent on devouring her.

Red riding hood screamed...not out of alarm at the wolf's apparent
tendency toward cross dressing...but because of his wilful invasion of
her personal space.

her screams were heard by a passing woodchopperperson (OR SOLID
FUEL TECHNICIAN...as he preferred to be called)...when he burst into
the cottage...he saw the melee and tried to intervene..but as he raised
his axe..red riding hood and the wolf stopped.

"And just what do you think you're doing?"..asked red riding hood.

The woodchopperperson blinked and tried to answer...but no words
came to him.

"Bursting in here like a neanderthal"...continued red riding hood...
trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!..sexist!...speciesist!.

how dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own
problems without a man's help!".

When she heard red riding hood's impassioned speech...Grandma jumped
out of the wolf's mouth..seized the woodchopperperson's axe...and cut his
head off.

After this ordeal..red riding hood...Grandma..and the wolf felt a certain
commonality of purpose.

They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect
and co-operation...and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.

A wee boy is in school....

working on his arithmetic.

his teacher says...


"There are five blackbirds sitting on a fence.

A farmer picks up his gun and shoots one.

How many are left?".

The wee boy thinks for a moment and says...

"NONE!".

The teacher replies....

"None...how do you figure that?".

The wee boy says...

"If the farmer shoots one...all the other birds will fly away scared...

leaving none on the fence".

The teacher replies...

"Hmmmm...not exactly...but I do like the way you think".

The wee boy then says...

"Miss...can I ask you a question?"...There are three women
sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.

One is licking her cone...another is biting hers...and the third
one sucking hers.

How can you tell which one is married?".

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then
finally replies...

"Well I guess the one who is sucking her cone".

To which the wee boy replies...

"Actually...It's the one wearing a wedding ring...but I do
like the way you think!".

Mr. Baldwin...

The Biology teacher...asked Mary...

"Tell me the part of the body that...

under the right conditions...

expands to six times it's normal size...

and state the conditions".


Mary gasped and said in a huff...

"WHY...Mr. BALDWIN!...that is an inappropriate
question and my parents are going to hear of it
when I get home!"...she then sat down..red faced.


"SUSAN.....can you tell me the answer?"......
asked Mr.Baldwin.


"The pupil of the eye.....under dark conditions"....
said Susan.


"Correct"... said the teacher.


Now Mary...I have three things to say to you.


First...you have not studied your lessons properly.


Second...You have a dirty mind.


And third...boy...are you going to be disappointed
some day!".

An Indian tribe ...

had a chief named shortcake.

he was highly regarded by all the members of
the tribe and when he died...

all the braves took him out and prepared to
bury him.

Just then...his wife came running up and
shouted....

"WAIT!....WAIT!.......

SQUAW BURY SHORTCAKE".