A member of parliament....

was in bed with his wife during
a massive thunderstorm.


A huge bolt of lightning struck nearby and
light up the whole room.... at which point
the MP sat up and shouted....


"I'll buy the negatives!".

Reality...eh?....

maybe as the philosophers would have
me believe I'm living in some
ludicrous dream where nothing is real...

yet everything is real...and I could fly
if I really wanted to.. in a craft made out of
eggshells...and those bits of black stuff I
get between my toes.

Then again maybe philosophers are the biggest
bunch of a**holes around...who spend their lives
in a state somewhere just past ..lively..and
just before..pass out....where the most ludicrous
of suggestions seem like very sensible ideas..
and the worst puns and crappiest jokes get
massive laughs...well at least I hope mine do..
and here's a fine example the doctor said I would
be allowed to-day...




A murderer...

sitting in the electric chair...

was about to be executed.


"Have you any last requests?"...
asked the chaplain.


"Yes"...replied the murderer.

"Will you hold my hand?".

One day....

This fellow noticed that a new couple had moved
into the house next door.

he was also quick to notice that the woman liked to
sunbathe in the back garden...usually in a skimpy
bikini that showed off her magnificent breasts.

He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as
much as possible...hoping for yet another look.

Finally....he could stand it no more.

Walking to the front door of the new neighbour's
house...he knocked and waited....

The husband...a large...burly man...opened the door.


"Excuse me"...our man stammered...

"But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is".


"Yeah?...So?"...his hulking neighbour replied.


"Well...in particular...I'm really struck by how beautiful
her breasts are.

I would gladly pay you £10'000 if I could kiss them".


The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when
his wife appears and stops him.

She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few
moments.

Finally...they return and ask our friend to step inside.


"OK"...the husband says gruffly......

"For ten thousand quid you can kiss my wife's tits".


At this the wife unbuttons her blouse......

and the twin objects of desire hang free at last.


Our man takes one in each hand...and proceeds to rub
his face against them in total ecstasy.

This goes on for several minutes...until the husband
gets annoyed.


"Well...come on...kiss them"...he growls.

"I can't"...replies our awe struck hero...still nuzzling
away.


"Why not?"...demands the husband...getting really
angry now.


"I don't have ten thousand quid!".

Three sisters...

Florence... Faith... and Fanny...

lived in a quiet village in Yorkshire and were renowned for their beauty...

although they all suffered from extra large feet.

One evening...

Florence and Faith went clubbing and were soon chatting to some lads.

" Eeee' By gum..." said one of the lads.

"Haven't you got big feet!"

"Oh that's nothing!"....... they replied in unison.


"You should see our Fanny's!".

Two little boys are playing in a street in Manchester....

when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly...... the other boy takes his stick....

wedges it down the dogs collar and twists.....

breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident...

and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young United Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal"....
he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I’m not a United fan".... the little hero replies.

"Sorry.... ...since we are in Manchester......

I just assumed you were"... say’s the reporter and
starts writing again.

"Little City Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack"...
he says.... writing this in his notebook.

"I’m not a City fan either".... the boy interrupts.

"I assumed everyone in Manchester was either a United
or City fan.

What team do you root for?".... the reporter asked.

"I’m a Liverpool fan".... the boy replied.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook
and wrote.....

"Scouser Tearaway Kills Beloved Family Pet".

A man in a queue at Tesco....

sees this busty blonde staring at him.

he can’t believe she is staring at him...

then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?"... he asks.

"Yes..... you are the father of one of
my kids".... she says.


The man thinks back and remembers his one act
of infedelity and says....

"Hell's bells... are you the bird I made love to on
me stag do... whilst your mate whipped me and your
other mate stuck a brush up me bottom?"

"No".... she replies.....

"I'm your son's English teacher!".

Archaeologists found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it...

A Woman.. A Donkey.. A Shovel.. A Fish.. And the Star of David.

After months of study.. the rock was taken on a lecture tour.

It was told the carvings were thousands of years old but even so...

they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that
women were held in very high esteem....

most likely a family oriented culture.

They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

The shovel showed they were highly intelligent and they knew how
to make tools.

The fish showed they knew how to augment the crops they raised by
also reaping from the sea.

The Star of David of course indicated they were a very religious group
of people.

An old guy sitting in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

When acknowledged he said....

"I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but Hebrew is read from right to left.

The way it should read is....

"Holy Mackerel... Dig the Ass on that Chick!"

A group of 40-year olds were discussing where to go for dinner....

Finally....

it was agreed that they should eat at the Ocean View Restaurant
because the waitresses were good looking and had nice bodies.

10 years later.... at age 50....

the group once again met up and discussed where to go for dinner.


Finally....

it was agreed that they should eat at the Ocean View Restaurant....

because the food was really good and there was a great selection
of wines.

10 years later... at age 60...

the group once again met up and discussed where to eat.


Finally....

it was agreed that they should go to the Ocean View Restaurant
because they could eat in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a
beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later... at age 70... the group once again met up...
then discussed where to eat dinner.


Finally...

it was agreed that they should dine at the Ocean View Restaurant because
the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and it even had an elevator.

10 years later... at age 80... the group once again met up....
then discussed where to eat.


Finally....

it was agreed that they should try the Ocean View Restaurant....

as they had never been there before.

The new recruit....

arrived in a remote fort in the desert for
his first day in the French Foreign Legion.

He asked the sergeant what the men did
for recreation.

"You'll see soon enough"...said the sergeant.

A week later...

three hundred camels were herded into a corral
and the men went wild trying to catch one.

The new recruit was a bit stunned.

"Why do the men rush?"...he asked.

"There are hundreds of camels and only fifty men".

"that is true"...said the sergeant.

"But would you want to be stuck with the ugly one

A man decides to have a face lift on his birthday.


He spends £5.000 and feels really good about the results.

On his way home... he goes into a shop and buys a paper.

Before leaving... he says to the sales clerk....

"I hope you don't mind me asking......

but how old do you think I am?".

"About 35".... was the reply.


"I'm actually 47"... the man says... feeling really happy.


After that.... he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks
the same question.

The reply is.... "Oh.... you look about 29".

"I am actually 47".


Later... while standing at a bus stop... he asks an old woman
the same question.

She replies... "I am 85 years old.... and my eyesight is going.

But when I was young.... there was a sure way of telling a man's
age.

If I put my hand down your pants and play with you for 10 minutes...

I will be able to tell you your exact age".

As there was no one around... the man thinks... What the hell and
lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later... the old lady says...

"Okay... I'm done...... You are 47".

Stunned... the man says....

"That was brilliant.

How did you do that?".

The old lady replies...

"I was behind you at McDonalds".

If you're going to spend hours in the pub...

you've got to feel it's doing you some good.

"Booze agrees with me"....you'll say.

The fact that it only agrees that you're a sad
git who's looking for excuses to justify
his excess consumption of booze has nothing
to do with it.

Worse still....is the excuse that...

"It's for medicinal purposes"...not only is it
not doing you any harm...but it's actually
promoting a healthier lifestyle.

you may end up with your head down the toilet
at two in the morning...but that's a small price
to pay for fitness and well being.

In short...booze is only really for medicinal purposes
in the sense that if you get really pissed...

you could end up in hospital.

If you do end up there...you might hear this joke...


There was once a very prim and proper older lady
who had a problem with passing wind.

Since she came from a generation when people
didn't even talk about this kind of problem...

it took a long time for her to seek help.

Finally...however...she was persuaded to consult
her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had
waited about twenty minutes in the waiting room...

the doctor called her into his office...leaned back in
his chair...folded his hands into a steeple and asked
her how he could help.

"Doctor"...she said...

"I have a very bad wind problem".

"A wind problem?"...replied the doctor.

"Yes...yesterday afternoon i had lunch with the secretary
of state and his wife and had six...er..ahhh...silent wind
emissions.

Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife
and had four silent wind emissions.

Then...while sitting in your waiting room I had five
silent wind emissions!..doctor...you've got to help me!...
what can we do?".

"Well...said the doctor thoughtfully....

"I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a
hearing test".

The Rev. McKnight....

came upon one of his flock swearing wildly
at his car because it wouldn't start.


"There's no need for that kind of language"...

he remonstrated....

"Why not try a prayer instead?".


After a bit more handle cranking..the car owner
looked up contemptuously.

"Right then...you pray...and see if you can get
it started".


The minister could do nothing but accept the
challenge...

so getting down on his knees...

he piously touched fingertips and bowed his
head.


Suddenly the engine roared into life.


He looked up in amazement and said....

"Well...I'll be damned".

The Los Angeles policeman....

pulled over a car being driven by two African American men.


No sooner had the driver wound down his window than the
policeman hit him right across the face with his flashlight.


"Hey...what was that for?"...asked the driver.


"I expect you to have your licence and registration ready
when I come to your window.....Got it?".


The driver produced his licence and registration and
handed the documents to the policeman.

The officer checked the details before returning them to the
driver.

Just as the driver was about to wind up his window......

the policeman hit him again.


"OW!"....yelled the driver.

"What the devil was that for?".


"I expect you to say.... thank you"....snarled the policeman.


The shaken driver quickly said..."Thank You"...and wound up
his window.


The policeman then walked around to the passenger side and
tapped on the window.

When the passenger rolled down his window...the policeman
hit him over the head with his flashlight.


"Why did you do that?"....shouted the passenger.


"I was making your wish come true"....said the policeman.


"What do you mean?".



The policeman sneered....

"A hundred yards down the road.... you'd have turned to your
pal here and said.....

I wish that son of a bitch had tried that sh*t with me".

The doctor called....

to see eccentric Uncle Albert...

and found him sitting up in bed...

stuffing tobacco up his nose.


Putting on his most diplomatic bedside manner...

the doctor began...


"Your niece asked me to drop by...if I was passing.

and here I am.

Now then...How can I be of help?".


"For a start"...said Uncle Albert...pushing more
tobacco up his nose....

you can give me a light".

Henry....

was becoming alarmed about his girth...

but sheer indolence...coupled with a liking for beer...

had prevented him from accomplishing any noticeable

reduction in weight.

So..he was filled with envy and respect when one evening

he encountered a friend who told him he had shed two stones

in weight during the previous six weeks.


"Look at that Fatso"...bragged his friend...beating his abdomen...

"Flat as a board!".


"True....you've certainly lost it"...admitted Henry.

"Strict dieting... I suppose?".


"Not at all....I eat what I like!".


Henry eyed him suspiciously.

"What then?...fifteen mile runs and thousands of press ups?...

I just couldn't keep up that sort of thing".


"Wrong again"...beamed his friend.

"I haven't had to do a thing.

It's all the result of a new drug that Dr Needle gave me.

One dose at bedtime...and it rolls off!".


"Sounds miraculous!"...Henry gasped.

"But how does it work?".


"Oh' It's one of those psychological things.

Very pleasant.... actually.

Every night I dream that I'm on a desert island surrounded
by hordes of dusky beauties.

All night I chase them round and round the island.

Wake up cheered and refreshed...having sweated off another
pound or two.

Marvellous!...the best slimming method I've ever come across".


The next morning Henry rushed round to see the doctor...

He started the new slimming treatment that very night.

but within a week he was back at the surgery.


"What's the matter now?"...demanded Dr Needle.

"It looks as though the tablets are working already.....

you've lost weight ...haven't you?".


"Oh' yes.

I lost seven pounds in the first four days".


"Well then?".


"Well..the friend who told me of your new treatment was
enjoying it"...complained Henry miserably.

"Every night he dreamed of chasing all these lovely girls".


"SO?".


"I dream of the desert island every night.

but it's inhabited by gangs of horrible cannibals...

who chase me round and round the island all night long!".


"It's quite simple"...said the doctor.


"Your friend is a private patient of mine......


You are on the National Health Service".