how do you cope with crippling
depression and lonliness?...

1. self mutilation.

2. yelling at cashiers.

3. alcohol abuse.

4.purchasing unnecessary stuff.

5. staring at walls as the sun
slowly sets...casting the
bed room in darkness.

6. take up acting.
------------------
what attracts us to the
opposite sex...

100 male howler monkeys
were asked...what they notice
first about a female...

9% eyes.

15% lips.

20% hair.

25% incisors.

98% distended red anus.


what attracts you to women?.

All I can say to your last post is:

you women have had it
for long enough..it's the
guys turn for liberation.

A British motorcyclist who posted an online video
of himself speeding has been jailed for 12 weeks!

28-year-old Sandor Ferenci posted a video showing
himself performing stunts...wheelies and skids on
YouTube on his Yamaha R6 motorcycle...as well as
racing on the wrong side of the road in Oxfordshire
England.

A motorist who witnessed the stunts recorded the
registration number and informed local police who
then traced it to Mr. Ferenci’s home.


At this stage the police were unaware of the online
video!


But when questioned by the police...Mr. Ferenci asked:
“Is this about the YouTube video?”

The video...which was filmed by a friend...was then
examined by police...and showed Mr. Ferenci driving
dangerously and at excessive speeds.

Although the exact speed could not be recorded
it is estimated that he may have reached 130 miles
per hour - well above any national speed limits.

In addition to the 12 week jail sentence...Mr. Ferenci
was barred from driving for two years...and told he
would need to take an extended driving test before
being allowed back on the road... No wonder we
bikers get a bad name...

here is an easy test
all you guys should
fly through first
attempt....

Bike sex man .

A man caught trying to have sex with
his bicycle has been sentenced to three
years on probation.

Robert Stewart.. 51.. admitted a sexually
aggravated breach of the peace by
conducting himself in a disorderly manner
and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on
the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his
bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the
Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson.. prosecuting.. told Ayr Sheriff
Court..
"They knocked on the door several times
and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door
and they then observed the accused wearing
only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving
his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked"
told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart...

"In almost four decades in the law I thought
I had come across every perversion known
to mankind.. but this is a new one on me.

I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Stewart had denied the offence.. claiming it
was caused by a misunderstanding after he
had too much to drink.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel
since October 2006 after moving from his
council house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr...

Seen any pretty bikes lately?

Is this him?

I heard he settled down
with new friends....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A UK man..Brian Rawsthorne..

who claimed that he couldn't walk
20 yards without crutches...and
who collected £12000 in public
benefits..was found guilty of fraud.

after it was discovered that he had
run a 10km road race.....
and that he even boasted about it..
and the 35 pounds of weight he lost
during training for it.. to a local
newspaper.

He was also caught refereeing football
matches and umpiring cricket games.

Proving that when it comes to deceit

that he can walk the walk AND talk the
talk.

Rawsthorne claims that he is still
disabled and can't walk 20 yards.

That he was in "absolute agony"
running the 10km for 2 hours and
21 minutes

He goes on to say"...I've been dishonest.
But I've not done it deceitfully..."

whatever that means!

And what did his lawyer say when asked
by the judge.. if the 10km race indicated
that Rawsthorne's condition had improved?

"I don't think you can look at an isolated
incident and say that because he did the
walk... his condition has changed."

think I'll buy a new
pair of joggies....

If you think rock'n'roll
singers lead a wild life..

I should gently point you
in the direction of the book
(DAYS LIKE THIS}...

A collection of short..but
real stories from across
Scotland.

In it the lead singer from
the group (IDLEWILD)...
RODDY WOMBLE...

Tells of going camping with
his family when he was six..

and how he made friends
with a brick....

RODDY says...

"IT wasn't long before brick
and I were pretty tight.

I found a long piece of string..
which I tied to brick...so I could
pull him along behind me...

We'd go for long walks together".

"Other children I met seemed
Initially curious of brick....

Thinking I might have something
wrong with me...wondering why I
had a brick for a pet".

"But they soon took a fondness
for him...some even found their
own pet bricks".

sadly the brick finally broke into
pieces...and RODDY writes

"I have never had a pet since".

A view from RODDY'S
bedroom window..

A glasgow pizza house is
auctioning off what they
call the world's most
expensive pizza on ..
ST Valentine's day..for
the charity oxfam.

It will include edible gold
leaf..crushed pearls...
and oysters..however
baking a version yesterday
the pizza house people were
stymied by a 79 year old
customer who...when offered
a slice..declined..saying..

"It might break ma teeth son".
.................
Talking of St Valentine's Day
a well known superstore is
advertising suggested...
valentine's day gifts for the
woman of your dreams..
Including an..."I love you"
keyring for £2....

"A belly bar" so that your
loved one can pierce herself.

For those with a bit of cash..

A "toaster" for £40 pounds.

Who says the romantic
scotsman doesn't exist?.

?
You get sentenced for simulating sex with a bike

it's good he didn't live in texas or he might have been fried

A woman was overheard
in a wine bar...discussing
A mutual friend..with one
of them declaring...

"She's not as promiscuous
as you make out..she told
me she could count on one
hand..all the men she had
slept with".

"was she holding a calculator
at the time?"...

Asked the more world weary
of the party!.



-------------

Do we believe the chap...
who told us he was going to
his first Gamblers-Anonymous
meeting...and was surprised
that it was timed to start at
10 to one.



--------------

The Scottish Government has
Issued a discussion document
on "Changes to the Identification
of Equidae"..which everyone knows
means that foals and unregistered
horses will be microchipped.

Equidaes are..hoofed mammals
and include-horses-donkeys-ponies
and zebras..although not many of the
latter are actually bred in Scotland.

why the need to microchip zebras..
when all they have to do is read their
bar codes.

what about a couple who took their
family to a posh country house hotel
for the week end...

saw their young daughter stare at
the stag's head on the wall.

But rather than being petrified...

she asked....

"Can I go through the door and
see the rest of it?"
------------------------

A chap was watching the evening
news on the pub telly and an item
came on about a train being derailed
when it ran into a herd of cattle that
had strayed on to the line.

Those in the bar hoped he was joking
when he said...

"Could the driver no' have
swerved roon it?".
------------------------
What about the man who worked in
the cleansing department.

On the night.. the story was told of
how the man had once opened up
a wheelie bin in which a cat had been
foraging for scraps.

When he lifted the lid.. the cat
leaped out.

Without thinking...he turned to the
rest of the crew and said...

"Some heartless bas@@rd threw
oot a perfectly good white cat!"
------------------------

An American woman chatting
to a Glaswegian.. with the
American.. a hunting shooting
Republican..saying she had
only recently discovered that
it was illegal to carry a knife
in Scotland...

yet in America they had a right
to carry a concealed weapon.

"Everyone in Glasgow carries
a concealed weapon"..
the scot responded.

"It's called their wit."

But she didn't seem to get it.