scottish humour

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: scottish humour Fri 25 Sep 2009, 9:57 pm

HAVE A GO FOLKS SOME OF
YOU MIGHT WORK THEM OUT?.

Jokes only understood
in Scotland ....
.......

A pregnant teenage girl phones
her dad at midnight and says...

"Can you come and get me?.
I think ma water has broken".

"Okay"...

says her dad.

'"Where are you ringing from?"

"From my knickers to ma feet".

...........

A Glasgow woman goes to the
dentist and settles down in the
chair.

"Comfy?"...

asks the dentist.

"Govan"... she replies.

.................
After announcing he's getting
married...

a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?'...

asks his mate.

"Oh...

she'll be wearing a white dress".

..................
Ten cows in a field.

Which one is closest to Iraq ?

Coo eight.
....................
Three wee jobbies sitting on the
pavement.

Which one's a Musketeer?

The dark tan yin.
.......................
A Scotsman in London is
having trouble phoning
his sister from a telephone
box.

So he calls the operator who
asks in a plummy voice:...

"Is there money in the box?

"Naw...

just me"...

..................

While getting ready to go out...

a wee wife says to her husband...

"I think I'm getting a wee bit
pigeon chested?".

And he says...

"Aye...

but that's why I love you
like a doo".
.................

"What's the difference between

The Rolling Stones

and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?.

The Rolling Stones say...

"Hey you...get off of my cloud".

And an Aberdeen sheep farmer
says...

"Hey McLeod...

get off of ma ewe".

While being interviewed for a
job as a bus driver...

a guy is asked...

"What would you do if you had
a rowdy passenger?".

"I'd put him off at
the next stop"..

he says.

"Good... And what would
you do if you couldn't
get the fare?".

"I'd take the first two
weeks in August". he replies.

...............

A Glasgow man ...

drunk and pennyless is walking
down Argyle Street when he spots
a guy tinkering with the engine
of his car!

"What's up pal?"...

he asks.

"Piston broke"...

the guy replies.

"aye...

same as maself.

_________________
yours to the bone....

**mraztec3{KAN}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 25 Sep 2009, 10:48 pm

Enjoyed the last one, Skin

**BEASTIE {KAN}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 25 Sep 2009, 11:06 pm

me to skin

last one best

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 15 Dec 2009, 2:40 am

An American visitor to Lindores Abbey
was being shown round by the abbot
when a monk shouted out “64!”.

All the other monks roared with laughter.

Another then called out “15!”...
again much laughter.

“What’s going on?”...
asked the visitor.

“They know each other’s jokes inside
out” ....
said the abbot.

“So rather than tell them each time....
they’ve numbered them.

If one calls out a number....
they think of the joke and laugh.

Have a go”.

The visitor called out.. “45!”...
and there was a small ripple of polite
laughter.

“I’m afraid”...
said the abbot...

“that’s not very funny.
Try again”.

So...
the visitor called out... “56!”...
and there was uproar.

“Must have been a good joke”....
he said.

“Yes”...
said the abbot wiping his eyes.

“And we’ve never heard it before”.

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 16 Dec 2009, 2:40 am

A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day
he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants
him to do.

The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish
tank.

So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the
brightly coloured tropical fish darting about...
when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his
hand.

He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation
he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.

Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats
to the top.

"Sh*t!"....
thinks our man....
first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits....
what am I going to do?.

He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions
look like the best bet because they will eat anything.

Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions
enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the
fence where it is devoured by the lions.

He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants
him to do next.

The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage.

So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of
the monkey cage when .. splat! a lump of turd hits him on
the back of the head.

He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering
with delight at their new game.

Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries
to carry on cleaning the cage .. splat! goes another turd...
and splat!.. another makes a direct hit.

For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a
fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2
monkeys...
killing them stone dead.

"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man...
look what I've done now...
what am I going to do?.

So he thinks to himself... the lions worked last time maybe
I'll try it again.

they eat anything don't they?.

He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs
then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by
the lions.

Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks
what wants doing next.

Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian
killer bees.

He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive
when a bee stings him...
then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is
buzzing angrily around his head.

In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and
batters every last bee into a pulp.

"Sh*t, Not Again!!!"...

he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat
anything.

so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and
throws it in...
where they are devoured by the lions.

The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo.
He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the
lions.

"Hello".. he says.

"Alright".. say the other lions

"What's it like here then?"... asks the new lion

"Not bad"... say the other lions

"Food ok?"... enquires the new lion
"Yeah.. brilliant...

yesterday we had Fish.. Chimps.. and Mushy Bees!".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 16 Dec 2009, 2:50 am

What a woman says.

This place is a mess!.

C'mon.. you and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear..
if we don't do laundry right now!.

What a man hears.

blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. C'MON
blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. YOU AND I
blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. ON THE FLOOR
blah.. blah..blah.. blah.. NO CLOTHES
blah.. blah.. blah.. blah.. RIGHT NOW.

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 17 Dec 2009, 2:27 am

INCREASE the life of your carpets
by rolling them up and keeping them
in the garage.

Double glazing is doing great business in
Scotland in hope that the children cannot
hear the ice cream van when it comes round.

A farmer's wife...
who was rather stingy with her whisky...
was giving her shepherd a drink.

As she handed him his glass...
she said it was extra good whisky...
being fourteen years old.

"Weel, missus" ....
said the shepherd regarding his glass
sorrowfully.

"It's very small for its age".

A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi.

She was so beautiful he could hardly keep
his eye on the meter.

Scottish telephone directories make ideal
personal address books.

Simply cross out the names and address
of people you don't know.

HOUSEWIVES ...
I find the best way to get two bottles of
washing.up liquid for the price of one is by
putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 21 Dec 2009, 3:38 am

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage.

It's a warm day....
so he takes off his jacket and drapes it
over a handrail...
where it slips off into a vast tank of poo.

He's just about to dive in when his mate
shouts....

"It's nae guid tae do that...
the jacket's ruined".

"Aye... ah ken"...
he replies....

"But ma sandwiches are in the pocket".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 21 Dec 2009, 3:55 am

Two auld men decide they are close to their
last days and decide to have a last night on
the Town.

After a few bevvies...
they end up at the local knocking shop.

The Madam takes one look at the two old
gezzers and whispers to her manager...

"Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an
inflatable doll in each bed.

These two are so auld and drunk....

I’m no wasting two of my girls on them.

They won’t ken the difference”.

The manager does as she is told and the
two old men go upstairs and take care of
their business.

As they were walking home the first gezzer
says...

"You ken what....

I think my girl was deid!".

"Deid?"...
replies his pal.

"Why do ye say that?".

"Well...
she never moved or made a sound
all the time I was with her".

His pal says....

"It could have been worse...
ah think mine was a witch".

"A witch....
why in heaven would ye say that?".

"Well....
ah was kissing her neck....
and then I gave her a wee nibble on the
neck....
she farted and flew oot the
window and took my teeth with her!".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 23 Dec 2009, 11:54 am

Jock and an Englishman were flying from Edinburgh
when the stewardess approached.

"May I get you something?"...
she asked.

"Aye... a whisky"...
Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman
if he'd like one.

"Never!"... he said sternly.

"I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the
way to America than drink whisky!".

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back saying....

"Och....

Ah didna ken there wiz a choice!".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 23 Dec 2009, 11:59 am

Jock was travelling by train...
seated next to a stern-faced clergyman.

As Jock pulled out a bottle of whisky from
his pocket the clergyman glared and said
disprovingly...

"Look here...
I am sixty-five and I have never tasted
whisky in my life!".

"Dinna worry Minister"...
smiled Jock...
pouring himself a dram.

"There's no risk of you starting now!".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 23 Dec 2009, 12:16 pm

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting
on a low stone wall...
holding hands...
gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and
said...

"A penny for your thoughts Angus".

"Well..uh.. I was thinkin'...
perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss".

The girl blushed...
then leaned over and kissed him lightly on
the cheek.

Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over
the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts Angus".

"Well.. uh.. I was thinkin....
perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee
cuddle.

The girl blushed...
then leaned over and cuddled him for a few
seconds.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch.

After a while.. she again said..

"Another penny for your thoughts Angus".

"Well.. uh.. I was thinkin...
perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my
hand on your leg".

The girl blushed...
then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

The the two turned once again to gaze out
over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts Angus".

The young man glanced down with a furled
brow.

"Well,noo"...
he said.

"my thoughts are a wee bit more serious
this time".

"Really?"...
said the lass in a whisper.....
filled with anticipation.

"Aye"....
said the lad.. nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness....
began to blush...
and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
request.

Then he said.......

"Dae ye no think it's aboot time ye paid me
the three pennies?".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 23 Dec 2009, 12:20 pm

When Jock moved to London...

he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances
by boasting about how great Scotland was.

Finally.. in exasperation.. one said...

"Well..if Scotland's so marvellous...

how come you didn't stay there?".

"Well".....
explained Jock.

"they're all so clever up there I had to come down
here to have any chance of making it at all".

Laughing

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 25 Dec 2009, 7:34 am

A married couple from glasgow were trying
to live up to the somewhat upmarket
lifestyle of a party they were attending
in Edinburgh.

The conversation turned to Mozart.

"Absolutely brilliant..magnificent....
sheer genious"....
exclaimed one man.

The woman.....
wanting to join the conversation...
remarked casually...
"Ah Mozart.

You are so right.
I love that man.
In fact only yesterday I saw him in
Glasgow at Buchanan street bus
station getting on a number 42 bus".

There was a sudden hush...
and everyone looked at her.

Her husband was mortified.

He whispered to her....
"Right...
get your coat and let's get out of here".

As they drove home.. she
could see he was fuming.

Finally she turned to him and asked...
"Are you angry about something?".

"I've never been so embarrased in all
of my life.
Imagine you saying you saw Mozart at
Buchanan street bus station getting on
a number 42 bus.
you are an absolute idiot.

The number 42 bus doesnae leave frae
Buchanan street bus station!".

geek

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 25 Dec 2009, 7:56 am

Wee Tam came home one day and asked
his wife....

"If I was..let's say..severely disfigured...
would you still love me?".

"Darling..I'll always love you"....
she calmly remarked..as she filed her nails.

"How about if I lost all my limbs....
would you still love me.. then?"....
he asked nervously.

"Don't worry.. darling..I'll always love you"...
she told him as she painted her nails.

"Well..If I told you I had lost my eighty five
thousand pounds a year job....
would you still love me.... then?".

"The woman looked up at her husband's
worried face.. as she examined her finished
nails.

"Tam..I'll always love you..but most of all

I'll really miss you".

affraid

_________________
yours to the bone....