Two dimwitted glasgow ditch diggers.....

got upset because they did all the hard work

but received only one tenth of the pay of the

crew boss.


finally...deciding to confront his boss.....

one guy climbed out of the ditch and went over

to the foreman... who was leaning against a tree...

reading the racing form.


"How come we do all the hard work while you sit
here and earn ten times as much?"...he demanded.


"Intelligence"....was the crew boss's answer.

"Let me give you an example".


He put his hand in front of the tree.


"See my hand?...hit it as hard as you can".


The ditch digger took a mighty swing...


the boss moved his hand at the last minute...

and commented to the worker...now clutching

his bruised fist....


"See what I mean?".


Back in the ditch...the second guy eagerly questioned

his friend.


"It's a matter of Intelligence"...came the reply.


"Let me give you an example.

hit my hand as hard as you can".


And he held it up in front of his face.

A little girl said...

"Granpa...can I sit on your lap?".

"Why sure you can"...her grandfather
replied.

as she's sitting on grandad's lap she says...

"Granpa...can you make a sound like a frog?".

Preplexed...her grandad asks...

"Sweetheart...why do you want me to make
a sound like a frog?".

and the little girl says....

"Cause Grandma said that when you croak...

we're all going to EuroDisney!".

There once was a Glasgow priest....

Who had to spend the night in a hotel
and asked the girl at reception to come
up to his room for dinner.

After a while he made a pass at her...

but she stopped him and reminded him
he was a holy man.

"It's ok"....he replied...

"It's written in the bible".

After a wild night of sex she asked to
see where in the bible it said it was OK...

so the priest took the bible out of the drawer
and showed her the first page where someone
had written in pencil....

"The girl on reception will sleep with anybody!".

Andy comes home very late one night....

drunk... out of his mind...to find his wife
waiting for him at the door.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"...she screams...

"IT'S FOUR IN THE MORNING!".



"AWWW...I just stopped at this pub...I was
only going to have one pint...but this pub...

It was incredible.

Everything in it was gold plated.

They had a gold rail under the bar...gold ash
trays...they served the drinks in gold pint
glasses...

the table posts were all gold plated... the
mirror behind the bar was gold...

even the cash register was gold.

I was so amazed by all this gold...

I just kept ordering pints...so I could stay in
the pub and look at it.

Hell...even when I went to the gents...they
had gold plated urinals...it was wonderful".


"I don't believe that story for one minute...
his wife said....

"What was this place called?".


"F**ked if I can know"...he replies...

"I'm still far too drunk to remember".



"You'll have to prove it to me tomorrow then...

when you sober up...or else I'm going to divorce
you..she said.


The next day...Andy looks through yellow pages
under "PUBS"....

but none of the names ring a bell.

he decides that he'll call all the boozers listed...

and ask the landlords about the decor in their
establishments.

He's called about fifty pubs...and still no luck.

Finally he calls one pub...asks his question...

and the landlord says...


"YES...this is the pub with all the gold plated
stuff".


"HERE"...Andy says...handing the phone to his
wife....

"Ask the landlord if I'm lying!".


His wife gets on the line...and begins to ask the
landlord about all the things Andy had told her
about the previous night....the rail...the pint
glasses...the mirrors...the table posts and the
cash register.

Finally...she says...

"My husband says you even have gold plated
urinals....do you?".


The landlord puts the phone down on the bar...

and she hears him yell...

"Hey...Frankie!....I think I know who pissed in
your Saxaphone last night".

Big Wullie....

attended his local small church for sunday service.

He was so moved by the minister's sermon that at
the end....

he stopped to shake the minister's hand.

"Ministur...that wis the best damned sermon ah' ever
heard!.

The minister replied....

"Why thank you...Wullie...but please...I'd appreciate
it if you didn't use profanity in the lord's house".

"Ah'm sorry...ministur"...Wullie continued....

"But Ah' cannie help maself....

it wis such a damn fine sermon!".

The minister replied....

"Please...Wullie...I can't have you behaving this way
in church".

"OK...ministur...but Ah' just wanted ye to know that
ah' thought it wis so damn fine...

Ah' put ten pounds in the collection plate".

The minister's eyes widened as he said....


"No Sh*t!".

Einstein went to heaven....

and had to share his mansion with three scots.

"What's your IQ"...he asked the first.

"It's one hundred and forty five"...
replied the scot.

"Great...we can discuss my theory of relativity"...
replied Einstein.

"And yours?"...he asked the second scot.

"It's one hundred and twenty"...came the reply.

"Good...we can discuss new scottish films....
plays...and books".

He turned to the third.

"And what about you?".

"It's just seventy nine"..came the reply.

"SO".......said Einstein.....

"How's Forfar Athletic doing?".

A man and his dog...

went into a pub in Falkirk.


"Sorry"...said the barman...

"But we don't allow dogs in this pub".


"BUT"...protested the man.....

"This is no ordinary dog.......

this is a talking dog".


"Utter nonesense!"...replied the barman.


"Let me prove it to you...now... ROVER!...

what do you call the outside of a tree?".


"BARK!".

"There you are... said the man.

"You see...he really can talk".

"LISTEN!...OUT!...BOTH OF YOU!.

You cannae fool me with this talking dog
stupidity".


"Let Rover have another go"...said the chap.


"ROVER!...who was Scotland's goalkeeper in
the world cup finals in 1982?".


"ROUGH!".

"Right...that's it"...said the barman.

"I've had enough of this".

And the man and his dog were shown the door.


Outside...the dog turned to the man and said...

"Maybe it wasn't Alan Rough....

maybe it was Andy Goram".

Auld Sandy and his wife....

are sitting on the front porch one evening
when his wife picks up her cane...

and whacks Auld Sandy right across the
shins.

"Jesus Christ...Wuman!...whit the hell wis
that fur"...Auld Sandy screams.


"That's fur sixty years O' bad sex".

A few minutes later...Auld sandy picks up
his cane...and whacks his wife right across
her shins!...she yells.....

"Whit the hell wis that for?".


"That's fur knowing the difference".

Three elderly scots...

one from Perth...one from Edinburgh...

and one from Glasgow...were standing
together urinating in a public toilet at a
football ground.

The Glaswegian...in the middle...looked
down to his right and noticed that the
chap from perth was producing two streams.

"What's the matter wi' you...pal?".


"Took a bullet in the war.

they had to remove part of my privates and
now I've just got two holes".

THe Glaswegian then looked to his left and
the chap from Edinburgh was producing three
streams.

"And whit's the matter wi' you...pal?".

"War wound as well.

shrapnel got me...and now I've got no privates...
jist three holes".

The guys from Perth and Edinburgh now looked at
the Glaswegian in the middle and together said...

"And whit's the matter with you...looks like you've
got about twenty streams...Is it an auld war wound?"

"Naw"...said the Glaswegian...

"MA ZIP'S STUCK!".

Where's ma Sunday Post!?"...

Yelled the little old lady calling the newspaper office...

demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.

" Madam!"...

said the newspaper employee....

"today is Saturday.

The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow... That's SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone...

followed by a ray of recognition as the little old lady was heard to mutter....

"Well... SH*T.......

So that's how nabody wis at church the day".

Serving tea....

In the lounge of the Maryhill old peoples home....

The nurse caught a whiff of something unpleasant.

"RIGHT YOU LOT"...she said.

"WHO'S MESSED IN THEIR PANTS!".

Nobody answered...so she patrolled the room to trace

the origin of the stench.

Finally...she found the culprit...Auld Tam...who was sitting in the
corner.

"Why didn't you answer me when I asked who had messed
in their pants?"....she demanded.

"OH'...he said....

"I thought you meant today".