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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
 Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
 |  Subject: Re: scottish humour  Mon 14 Jun 2010, 8:27 pm | |
| Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home... reminiscing.
The first old lady recalled shopping at the green grocers... and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded.... adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper.... then demonstrated with her hands the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny.
The third old lady finally chipped in with.... "I can't hear a word you're saying..... but I remember the guy you're talking about".  _________________ yours to the bone....  |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 16 Jun 2010, 10:06 am | |
| Wee Joseph..... lost a contact lens while playing football in his back
garden. After a fruitless search.... he told his mammy... the lens was na where to be found. Undaunted..... she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand. "How did ye manage to find it.... Maw?".... Joseph asked. "We wisnae looking fur the same thing".... she replied. “You wis looking fur a small piece o' plastic. ... I wus looking fur £25 pounds".  _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 19 Jun 2010, 5:57 pm | |
| Burglers recently broke into the groundsof the scotland football team and stole the entire contents of their trophy room. Police are looking for two men.... carrying a blue and white carpet.  _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 19 Jun 2010, 6:25 pm | |
| Wee Sammy.... A football goalkeeper.... Was walking along the street one daywhen he heard screams from a nearbybuilding. He looked up to see smoke billowingfrom a fourth floor tenament buildingand a woman leaning out holding ababy. "Help!....Help!....screamed the woman. "I need someone to catch my baby!". A crowd of onlookers had gathered... but none were confident about catchinga baby dropped from such a great height. Then wee sammy stepped forward.... "I'm a professional goalkeeper!".... He shouted up to the woman. "I'm renowned for my safe hands.... drop the baby and I will catch it.... for me....it will be just like catching aball". The woman agreed. "Okay!...when I drop my baby.... treat it as if you were catching a ball". On a count of three.... the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as wee sammylined himself up to catch it. there was a huge sigh of relief.... followed by wild cheering as he caught thebaby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground.... and kicked it fifty yards down the street!. _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 19 Jun 2010, 6:40 pm | |
| It had been a terrible season forGlasgow Rangers.... and one of their fans was so depressedthat he dressed up in his full Rangersstrip and threw himself into the riverclyde. When the police retrieved his body.... they removed the strip and replacedit with stockings and suspenders. the police told the coroner that theydid this.... In order to avoid embarrassing thefamily.  _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 22 Jun 2010, 7:29 pm | |
| The greyhound was a grave disappointmentto everyone in springburn and they all losta fortune on him. "There's only one thing that will improve that dog...Sammy"....said his long life drinking pal. "Put some lead in his left ear". "Sure...and how would I do that ?"...asked Sammy. "With a shotgun"...came the reply. _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 23 Jun 2010, 1:29 pm | |
| The little boy..... had been sitting close to the confession boxfor a long time before father Murphy noticedhim. "Have you been listening to confessions allevening?".... thundered the priest. "Oh...no...father. I'm only here since the woman who sleptwith the sailor came out". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 24 Jun 2010, 6:50 am | |
| He had been in a bad road smash..... and wee sandy had him carried intothe bar. Big shuggie opened his eyes and looked around. "You've been in a bad smash"....said sandy.... "And I've had you brought in here to bringyou to". "Very well"....groaned shuggie..... make both of them double whiskies".  _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 24 Jun 2010, 2:46 pm | |
| the boy was nervously clutching Jock by the hand as they marched into the Buchanan streethairdressers. "Just sit there and read the comics.....son. I'll go first"....and he flopped into the chair. "Trim...sir?"....said the barber. "Aye....the lot!"....said Jock. "When you've cut it... I'll have a shampoo..... then a shave and face massage..... and onything else ye can think of"....he added. The barber was jubilant and got to work with a will. About an hour later Jock arose.... A credit to tonsorial art.... smelling like the insideof a beauty parlour. "Just give the lad a back and sides"...he instructed. "I'm away for some cigarettes". Suitibly shorn...the boy went back to his reading. After what seemed like an age the barber remarked.... "My but your faither's been away a long time". "Och...that wisnae ma daddy"...he volunteered.... "That's jist a man who offered me threepence if I'dcome in and get my hair cut".  _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 24 Jun 2010, 3:06 pm | |
| Heard the one about the Scottish baker. He tried to economise by making thehole in his doughnuts bigger.... only to discover that the bigger thehole the more dough it took to goround them.  _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 25 Jun 2010, 12:18 pm | |
| Jock decided to brave the inner sanctum ofhis employer's office....... and in a very disgruntled voice said.... "I've been here five years doing the work of three men for one man's wage.... and I think It's time I had a rise". "Well....Jock"....said his boss..... "I couldn't do that..... but if you'll just tell me the names of theother two....I'll sack them".  _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 26 Jun 2010, 12:50 pm | |
| Have you ever wondered..... where people in hell tell each other to go?. .......................................Twelve wives arrived in purgatory. "Now ladies"... said the officiating angel. "How many of you have been unfaithfulto your husbands?". Eleven ladies blushingly put up theirhands. "OK"....sighed the angel....picking upthe telephone. "Hello...is that hell?....have you got roomfor twelve unfaithful wives..... one of them stone deaf?".  _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 26 Jun 2010, 1:17 pm | |
| A rare form of the highland fling is a drunken Aberdonian throwingmoney all over the street. A true scot is a man who never sendshis pyjamas to the laundry unless hehas a pair of socks stuck in the pocket. Maggie had put.... "REST IN PEACE". On the tombstone of her departed husband'sgrave..... but when she discovered that in his will hehad left nothing.... She hastened to the mason..... and told him to add the words..... "TILL I GET THERE". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 02 Jul 2010, 1:48 pm | |
| Thomas was delighted by..... the opportunity to use the golf course atthe swank country club...... and even more so when he hit a hole in oneon the eighth green. As he bent over to take his ball out of the cup... a genie popped out. "This club is so exclusive that my magical servicesare available to anyone who hits a hole in one onthis particular green"....the genie explained. "Any wish you desire shall be granted". "How about that!" ...said Thomas...and Immediatelyrequested a longer bobby. "Your wish is granted"...intoned the genie solemnly... and disappeared down the hole in a puff of incense. Thomas continued down the fairway...and as he walkedhe could feel his bobby slowly lengthening. As his game progressed...Thomas could feel it growingand growing .....down his thigh...out from his shorts.... down past his knee. "Maybe this wasn't such a great wish after all"..... muttered Thomas to himself.... and headed back to the eighth hole with a bucketof balls. Finally he managed a hole in one..... and when he went to collect the ball..... he had to hold up the head of his bobby to keepit from dragging on the ground. Out popped the genie. "This club is so exclusive that my magical servicesare available to anyone who hits a hole in one onthis particular hole....any wish you ......" "Aye..... Ah know all that"....interrupted Thomas. "Could ye make ma' leg's longer pal". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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