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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
 Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
 |  Subject: Re: scottish humour  Wed 19 May 2010, 8:01 am | |
| Wee Sandy was interviewed for employment in a freak
show and the following conversation took place.
"Who are you?".
"A'm sandy... the egg king".
"What is your specialty?".
"Ah' eat three dozen hen’s eggs... two dozen duck eggs...
and wan dozen goose eggs... at a single sitting".
"Do you know our programme?".
"Whit is it?"
"We give four shows every day".
“Och.. I understand that".
"And do you think you can do it?".
"Ah' know a can".
"On Saturdays we give six shows".
"right".
"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour".
Now... at last... Sandy showed signs of doubt.
"In that case... Ah' must have wan thing understood
a'fore I’d be willing to sign a contract".
"What?"
"Ah' must have an hour off tae eat my dinner". _________________ yours to the bone....  |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 20 May 2010, 4:13 pm | |
| Tam turned up at his local pub.....with his arm in a sling.His pal asked what had happened and he replied... "If ye must know....it got broke while Ah' wis fighting fur a lassie's honour".His pal was impressed....until Tam went on to say....."Aye... she wanted ta keep it". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 20 May 2010, 5:23 pm | |
| Big Angus.....
having split from his latest girlfriend....
decided to take a cruise and see the world.
He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.
That is....
until the ship sank!.
He found himself on a deserted island....
no supplies... nothing.... only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months... he was lying on the beach when the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief... he asks...
"Where did you come from?.....
How did you get here?"
She replies....
"I rowed from the other side of the island....
I landed here when my cruise ship sank".
"Amazing".... he says.
"You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you".
"Oh... this old thing?"...
explains the woman.
"I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.
I wove the bottom from palm branches... and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But... where did you get the tools?"
...asked Angus
"Oh... that was no problem"....
replied the woman.
"On the south side of the Island ....
a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln....
it melted into ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware".
Angus was stunned.
"Let's row over to my place"..... she says.
After a few minutes of rowing....
she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As Angus looks to shore.... he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite house
painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope...
Angus can only stare ahead... dumb struck.
As they walk into the house... she says casually....
"It's not much but I call it home.....
Sit down...please.....
Would you like a drink?'.
"No!... No thank you"....
he blurts out... still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice".
"It's not coconut juice"....winks the woman.
"I have a still....
How would you like a Pina Colada?".
Trying to hide his continued amazement...
Angus accepts....
and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged stories... the woman announces....
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable....
Would you like to take a shower and shave?....
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet".
No longer questioning anything...
Angus goes into the bathroom.
There... in a cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing"...he muses.
"Whatever next?".
When he returns...
she greets him wearing nothing but vines... strategically positioned...
and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me".... she begins suggestively... slithering closer to him.
"We've been out here for many months.
You've been lonely.....
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now....
something you've been longing for?".
She stares into his eyes...
He swallows excitedly .....
and tears start to form in his eyes.....
"Good god woman"...
says Angus....
"Don't tell me you've got bagpipes?". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 21 May 2010, 11:04 am | |
| Macsporran had to go to the dentist.
The dentist looked in his mouth and said....
"You've got a very big cavity there... a very big cavity there.....a very big cavity there".That gave Macsporran a bit of a start...so he said....
"Well... you didn't have to repeat it....I heard you the first time".
the dentist replied...."I didn't.... that was an echo". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 24 May 2010, 8:18 pm | |
| A guy's doing a PhD in sheep romancing.....He goes off touring Britain finding out how people do it in different areas.First he goes up to Aberdeen.He goes into a pub... buys a drink... and asks the barman where he can findthe sheep lovers.The barman points to the darkest... dingiest corner of the pub.So he goes over to this corner and gets talking to the locals there.he says...." Actually I'm doing a thesis on sheep coupling,....so could you tell me... how do you do it around here?
" Well we put on wellies... go into a field...and we grab a sheep. Then we shove its hind legs down into our wellies so it can't get away, Next he goes to inverness and goes into the local pub .He asks the barman where the local sheep romancers hang out.The barman points to the darkest... dingiest corner.So he goes over to the corner......." Excuse me but I'm doing a thesis on sheep courting...so would you mind telling me... how do you do it around here?".
"Well we put on wellies and go out into a field looking for sheep.When we find a pretty one.... we shove its hind legs down intoour wellies.... then make wild passionate love to it.He then decides to see what they do in Edinburgh.....There he finds a dodgy looking pub.....and asks the barman where he can find the local sheep fanciers.Once again..... the barman points to the darkest..... dingiest corner of the pub. So he goes over and asks...." Excuse me... I'm doing a thesis on sheep courting .Could you tell me how you do it in this area?
" Well...pal..., we go out into a field looking for sheep. When we find one we grab it around the waist.....hold it as tight as possible so it won't get away.....and make love to it.
" But...why don't you just shove its hind legs down inside your wellies?.....Wouldn't that be easier?".
" What.....and no kissing?". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 24 May 2010, 8:27 pm | |
| A certain political appointment once lay between a Welsh and a Scottish M.P.An Englishman was asked who he thought should get the job. "Well".... he replied...."if we get the Welshman.... he'll pray on his knees on Sundays.....and on his neighbours the rest of the week.If we get the Scotsman....He'll keep the Sabbath and anything else he can lay his hands on". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 28 May 2010, 12:55 pm | |
| It was a bitterly cold day on the golf course......and the caddy was expecting a large tip from his rich Scottish client.As they neared the clubhouse.... the caddy heard the words he was longing to hear...."This is for a wee drink when you get back home to glasgow"....said the client as he slipped something into the caddy's pocket.On the bus home the caddy slipped his hand into his pocket to seewhat reward he had been given for all his troubles.... and pulled out a teabag. _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 28 May 2010, 1:03 pm | |
| Wee Tam was emigrating to Australia.....Upon entry he was being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asked him the question...."Do you have a criminal record?"Wee Tam replied...."Well no . . . I didn't realise you still needed one to get in". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 28 May 2010, 8:05 pm | |
| It is said.....that a million monkeys....banging on a million typewriters.....will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.Now....thanks to the Internet....we know this is not true. _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 02 Jun 2010, 8:20 pm | |
| Mrs. Morrison.....told her husband that they had Important guestscoming to tea.On hearing this...he rose with alacrity and removed all the umbrellasfrom the hallstand."For goodness sake"....said Mrs. Morrison...."Surely you don't think anyone is going to take them?"....they're very respectable people"."Oh'...that's no whit's bothering me".....said Mr. Morrison....."It's just that they might recognise them!". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 02 Jun 2010, 8:34 pm | |
| Wee Sandy....had hitch-hiked to Wembley for theScotland... England International andhad thumbed his way back as well."Was it a big gate?"....asked his pal."Aye...the biggest I've ever climbedover"...said Sandy. _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 02 Jun 2010, 8:40 pm | |
| Of course....you've all heard about the Scotsmanwho found a half empty bottle of coughmixture....and sent his children out to play in theirbare feet one wintry night....so that it wouldn't go to waste. _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 02 Jun 2010, 8:49 pm | |
| Two Scottish lasses...were discussing the local "talent"."Don't have anything to do with thatDuncan Lang"....said Jeannie."Why not"...queried her pal."He knows an awful lot of dirty songs"....was Jeannie's reply."Surely he doesn't sing them in front ofyou?"....asked the horrified girl."NO....but he whistles them". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 07 Jun 2010, 5:51 am | |
| Wee Alec...Took his wife along to a marriageguidance councillor.The councillor asked him to explaintheir problem.Alec said..."Whit's her name here claims Idon't pay her enough attention". _________________ yours to the bone.... |
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skinman {kan}
Banana KAN
Number of posts: 2457
Age: 63
City/Country: over here
: Clan Member
Fav MP game: left4dead2.
Battlefield bad company 2.
call of duty modern warfare 2.
Xfire: skinman{kan} solpadol
Registration date: 2008-05-04
| | Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 11 Jun 2010, 8:49 pm | |
|
wee alex was hitchhiking on a very dark night
and in the midst of a big storm.
The hours were rolling on and no cars went by
for ages.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see
ahead of him.
Suddenly...
he saw a car slowly coming towards him with
the passenger door open slightly.
alex...
desperate for shelter and without thinking
about it..
jumped into the car and closed the door....
only to realize there was no one behind the
wheel and the engine was off.
The car started moving again slowly..
alex looked out the front window at the road
ahead and saw a dangerous curve with a steep
presipice approaching.
Scared... he started to pray...
begging for his life.
Then... just before the car hit the curve...
a hand appeared out of nowhere through the
window.. and turned the wheel.
alex... paralyzed with terror...
watched as the hand came through the window....
but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter...
alex saw the lights of a pub appear ahead
in the distance.
gathering all his strength...
he jumped out of the car...
and ran as fast as his wee legs would go.
soaking wet and out of breath...
he rushed inside and started telling everybody
about the horrible experience he just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody
realized he was serious...
and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly... the door opened...
and two dark shadowy figures walked in
from the wet and stormy night.
like alex...
they were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing wee alex sobbing
at the bar...
one of the dark shadowy figures said
to the other.....
"Look ....
there's that idiot that got in the car
while we were pushing it".
_________________ yours to the bone.... |
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