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scottish humour

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skinman {kan}
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 26 Mar 2010, 11:33 am

Two gay Scotsmen.... Decided they would like to have a baby. They didn't want to adopt because they wanted the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So...they both sent their specimens in a jar and had the doctor use it to impregnate a female friend. Nine months later...the pair were looking adoringly at their baby in the hospital nursery. All the other babies were screaming and crying.. but theirs was a picture of contentment. "Look"...said one of the men.... "Our baby is the best behaved one in here". Hearing this...a passing nurse remarked... "Now he's quiet.... But just you try taking the pacifier out of his bottom". _________________ yours to the bone....

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skinman {kan}
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 26 Mar 2010, 4:12 pm

Hamish about to leave on holiday.... was told by a friend that the best thing to bring luck was to throw a coin over every bridge he passed. On returning home he was asked how he had got on. "I got on fine!"...he said. "Passing over the river Dee...then the river Tay was nae bother at awe... but when it came to that Forth road bridge ma luck ran oot.... ye see the string got caught on wan o' them girders and I lost ma penny!". _________________ yours to the bone....

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Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 27 Mar 2010, 10:31 am

Mrs Broon was a very careful housekeeper.... Her loving husband...Andy...handed over his pay packet unopened every week. One week she looked and found there was ten pence short. "Andy!"... she said... "You're ten pence short". Andy explained that he had felt very hungry and had bought himself a bar of chocolate. Next week she looked again and the pay packet was still ten pence short. Andy again explained apologetically that his hunger had got the better of him and he had taken ten pence. The third time it happened...she could contain herself no longer. "Andy"...she said... "Haven't I been a good wife to you?". "Yes dear...the best". "Andy...haven't I managed everything for you and seen to all your needs?". "Yes...dear". "Then I think I am entitled to know.... Who is this other woman?". _________________ yours to the bone....

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Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 31 Mar 2010, 10:23 am

It was a pefect sunny day.. ( It has been known in Scotland..sometimes we have even had two in a row ). Big Eddie was driving along the road heading towards his favorite loch..... where he intended spending his day off work fishing. About an hour from his destination...he spotted a man dressed from head to toe in red standing by the side of the road...gesturing him to stop. Eddie pulled over...wound down his window and asked.... "How can I help you?". "I am the red Asshole of the Asphalt"...replied the man in red. "You got anything to eat?". Blessed with a generous spirit on such a beautiful day..... Eddie handed the man one of his sandwiches before resuming his journey. A few miles down the road...Eddie noticed a man dressed all in yellow standing by the side of the road..beckoning him to stop. Mildly irritated by this second interruption to his progress.... Eddie called out.... "What do you want?". "I am the yellow asshole of the asphalt"...replied the man in yellow. "Got anything to drink?". Eddie handed him a can of coke and quickly drove off. Not wanting to lose any more time.... he put his foot down in an attempt to reach the loch by lunchtime.... but a few miles further down the road..he saw a guy dressed all in blue standing by the side of the road... gesturing to him to stop. Frustrated at yet another delay...Eddie pulled over... wound down the window and yelled.... "Let me guess...you're the blue asshole of the asphalt.. what the hell do you want?". The man in blue replied.... "Driver's licence and registration...please!". _________________ yours to the bone....

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skinman {kan}
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 03 Apr 2010, 10:27 am

A priest is browsing in a busy glasgow shop in town. When he returns to his car he discovers he is being given a parking ticket..... while the traffic warden is writing out the ticket... the priest asks... "Oh...you couldn't waive the ticket could you now son?"..... but the traffic warden replies.... "Oh...father...I'm so sorry...but I've begun to write it and I'm not allowed to stop halfway through. If you'd just been a minute quicker". "Oh well"...says the priest... "I'm terrible with parking I never remember what the time is or where I have parked....to be sure". "That's very decent of you father"... says the traffic warden. "Quite often when this happens...we traffic wardens get given a whole load of abuse". "Oh my goodness...that's awful"...says the priest. "After all your only doing your job aren't you?.... now...there's a tea party at the abbey this sunday.... would you like to come over?". "Well...father...that's very nice of you to ask.... I'd love to...and thanks again for being so understanding". "Perhaps you'd like to bring over your father and mother too"...says the priest. "I could marry the pair of them while I'm at it!". _________________ yours to the bone....

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skinman {kan}
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 04 Apr 2010, 9:09 am

In certain parts of Glasgow... If everyone is smiling at the same time... It's automatically declared Halloween. _________________ yours to the bone....

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Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 04 Apr 2010, 9:55 am

Andy worked in the coal mines... so he was used to the friendly atmosphere of the little mining village he came from. Then he moved house and got a job with a larger mining corporation a little further up north. Something seemed strange and different right from the very beginning One night when he was in the local bar... he realised what it was. "hey..pal"...he said to the barman... "Aren't there any women in this village?" "Fraid not"..said the barman. "The men here had so little to offer that all the women packed up and went back to Edinburgh years ago". Andy's face fell. "That's pretty grim...what do all the men do on a Saturday night?". "They do it with sheep"...was the barman's cool reply. "Yeech" Andy retched and left in disgust. but after a few months of total boredom... he found himself back in the bar... and casually inquired as to where the sheep in question were to be found. The barman said.... "Just behind the farmhouse at the top of the hill". One look at the sheep standing around the pen was enough to send Andy back down the hill...but just as he turned to leave... He spotted the cutest little sheep you could ever hope to see...with big brown eyes...a cute bow on the top of her head...and not a bit of mud on her fleece. Quite smitten..he led her out of the pen.... down the hill...and into the bar for a drink. But to Andy's surprise his arrival caused quite a commotion...and all the seedy types backed away from him into the far corners of the bar. "Hey..what's up?"...asked Andy angrily at the barman. "You told me everyone in the place goes out with sheep". "True enough"...admitted the barman... "But we weren't expecting you to take out the chief constable's girlfriend". _________________ yours to the bone....

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skinman {kan}
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 09 Apr 2010, 3:52 pm

Donald visited his doctor... Complaining of seeing striped camels when he tried to get to sleep. "Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?"... asked the doctor. "No...Never"...replied Donald... "Just striped camels". _________________ yours to the bone....

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skinman {kan}
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Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 09 Apr 2010, 3:59 pm

That's nearly as bad as the Scotswoman Expecting child number five.... Was horrified to read in the newspaper that every fifth person born in the world was Chinese. _________________ yours to the bone....

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Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 11 Apr 2010, 10:35 am

Ewan wanted a job as a signalman on the railways and he was told to meet the Inspector at the signal box. The Inspector puts this question to him. "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?". Ewan said.... "I would switch the points for one of the trains". "What if the lever broke?"...asked the Inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signalbox"... said Ewan.... "And I'd use the manual lever over there". "What if that was all rusted up..and wouldn't budge?". "Then"...Ewan continued.... "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box". "What if the phone was busy?". "Well in that case"...persevered Ewan.... "I'd rush down and use the emergency phone along the track". "What if that was vandalized?". "Oh'....well...then I'd run into the village and get my uncle tam". this puzzled the Inspector...so he asked...... "Why would you get your uncle?". "Because he's never seen a train crash". _________________ yours to the bone....

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Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 15 Apr 2010, 11:10 am

An American..... was being shown around Edinburgh by his scottish relative. They came to Holyrood Palace. "How long did it take to build this Palace?".... asked the American. "I believe it took more than twenty years"... replied his relative. "You scots must be lazy"...said the boastful American.... "In America this would have been built in ten years". They then went over to the scottish parliament building. "And how long did it take to build this parliament?"... asked the American. "Five years". "You scots must be really lazy...in America this would have been built in two years". Finally... they came to Edinburgh castle. "And how long did it take to build this castle?"... asked the American. "I'm not sure"...said his scottish relative. "It wisnae there yesterday!". _________________ yours to the bone....

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Subject: Re: scottish humour Thu 15 Apr 2010, 11:41 am

Two elderly widows in Glasgow were talking. "Mabel...that nice widower...John Mackintosh... has asked me to go out on a date with him... I know you went out on a date with him recently and I wanted to talk with you...before I gave him an answer". "Well...Christine...let me tell you what happened. he showed up at my flat at seven o' clock prompt.. brought me flowers...and off we went in his new Jaguar car..to the best restaurant in town. It was a beautiful meal...champagne...the lot. It was just lovely...and he was so charming. then...when he took me home...he turned into a wild beast. he went completely crazy...tore off my expensive new dress..... and had his wicked way with me.... twice". "Goodness gracious...so...you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?". "No...No...all I'm saying is.... wear an old dress". _________________ yours to the bone....

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Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 16 Apr 2010, 7:48 pm

An anthropologist.... had been studying an obscure Thai hill tribe when he contracted a particularly virulent case of jungle rot and was dead in a week. His heartbroken widow accompanied the casket back to Edinburgh..... where she invited his three best friends to attend an intimate funeral. When the brief service was over.... she asked each of the friends to place an offering in the casket.... as had been the custom of the tribe he had been living with. "It would mean a great deal to herbert"... she said...then broke down into racking sobs. Moved to tears himself...the first friend... an English doctor...gently deposited one hundred pounds in the coffin. Dabbing his cheeks...the second friend... an American stockbroker...laid one hundred and fifty pounds on the deceased Herbert's pillow. The third friend...a glasgow lawyer...... wrote a check for four hundred and fifty pounds...put it in the casket..... and pocketed the cash. _________________ yours to the bone....

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Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 24 Apr 2010, 11:39 am

One day...... Miss Broon feels sickly and goes to the doctor. The doctor looks her over and says.... "Well now... Miss Broon. I'm a bit perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine sample to me first in the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong". Miss Broon went home and said to her father... "The doctor wants me to take him a urine sample in the morning. I don't know exactly how........ what am I to do?". her father replied.... "I don't know either....... but if you go see Mrs. thomson..... she'll know what to do". Miss Broon then went down the road to Mrs. Thomson's house..... and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn..... a black eye.. bruises all over her body.. and her hair tangled like a bird's nest. her shocked father gasped..... "Crivvens...Jings...and help ma boab... lass!.... Whit happened to ye?". "I went to see that Mrs. Thomson and asked her what a urine sample was and she said..... "Go Piss in a bottle.... lass". So..... Ah' said...... "Go sh*t in yer hat.... Mrs. Thomson". And that's when the fight started!. _________________ yours to the bone....

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Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 25 Apr 2010, 10:16 am

"Well... Mrs. wallace.... so you want a divorce?"... the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?". "Naw'... Naw'"... replied Mrs.wallace. "Sure we huv a carport". The solicitor tried again. "Well... does your man beat you up?". "Naw'... naw'".... said Mrs. Wallace looking puzzled. "Ah'm always first oot o' bed". Still hopeful.... the solicitor tried once again. "Well.... does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?". "Well now... he pratices the bagpipes... but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial". Now desperate... the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have". "Bless ye son..... We live in a flat.... not even a window box.... let alone grounds". "Mrs. Wallace"..... the solicitor said in considerable exasperation.... "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?". "Ah... well now".... said Mrs. wallace.... "Sure it's because the man canny haud an intelligent conversation". _________________ yours to the bone....

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