scottish humour

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 06 Mar 2010, 7:17 am

Young Hughie....

All the way from Sutherland way up in the highlands...

had been appointed Scottish representative with an
agricultural Implementation firm in london.

It was his first visit ever to the "Big Smoke"...and
after an exciting day with his sales director...

(Slap up dinner and all that sort of thing)...

He had a couple of hours to put in before the train
took him back home to the land of the haggis.

He inevitably ended up in SOHO.

His eyes were popping out of his head at the mind
boggling displays outside the strip joints...when...

suddenly...a coloured girlie sidled up to him.

"Say Honey"...she began.....

"How'd you like to come home with me?".

"Away ye go...Lassie"... shouted Hughie.....

"What would a man like me be doing in Africa?".

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yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 06 Mar 2010, 7:28 am

Not all Scots are lacking in emotion
as many of our alien detractors make
us out to be.

I remember fine getting into a game of
poker in a commercial hotel one wet night

and half way through....

one of my pals....

(I think he had a royal flush)....

slumped to the floor dead.

You may not believe me...

But we finished the game standing up.

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Sat 06 Mar 2010, 8:07 am

The tinker stood outside the highland farmer's door.

"Give us twopence fur a bed...Sir?".

"Let me see it first"...replied the farmer.

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 08 Mar 2010, 8:28 pm

After many years....

Sandy met his old english rival.. George.

"And how many children have you got?"...

said George.

Sandy replied...

"I have three boys...

the eldest is a judge...

then there is a neuro-surgeon...

and the youngest is a nuclear physicist.

and you?".

"As it happens..I also have three sons.

The eldest is a champion boxer...

the second is a first class wrestler...

and the baby a karate expert.

Why don't you bring your boys over?....

I'll see that they get a bloody good hiding".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Wed 10 Mar 2010, 1:32 pm

Big Sammy....

thought he was a dog....

so he went to see a psychiatrist.

"It's terrible"...said Sammy.

"I walk around on all fours....

I keep barking in the middle of the
night...

and I can't go past a lamp
post any more".

"Okay"...said the psychiatrist.

"Get on the couch".

"Sammy replied.....

"I'm not allowed on the couch".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Fri 12 Mar 2010, 4:37 am

"Look Tam....

I'm not one for complaining....

but will you flippin' well put down
your boots a little quietly.

Let's leave the ceiling up...mate"..
said the landlord.

Tam was contrite...

but as he was going to bed that night
he forgot and threw one boot down
with a crash.

Immediately he realised his mistake and
he put the other boot down gently.

he had been asleep for an hour or two
when he was awakened by a pounding
on his door....

it was the landlord.

"For goodness sake.... Tam....

Will you hurry up.....

and Throw down your other boot!".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:21 pm

Archie goes to the doctor and says.....

"Doc...I need a double dose of Viagra".

The doctor says....

"A double dose?...that's not safe....

you could have serious side effects!...

sorry...but I can't help you".

"But doc...I've got a big weekend
coming up!....

On friday..I'll be seeing my girlfriend...

on Saturday..I'll see my ex-wife...

and on Sunday...I'll see my wife...

please help me".

The doctor says..."Well...all right.

but you have to come in on Monday to
see me...to make sure you are all right".

On Monday morning...Archie goes into
the doctors office...with his right arm in
a sling.

"What on earth happened to you?"....

asks the doctor.

Archie says.......

"Nobody Showed Up!".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**Rumble {KAN}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Mon 15 Mar 2010, 8:40 pm

**toxic{KAN}** · Subject: scottish humour Tue 16 Mar 2010, 3:34 am

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**mraztec3{KAN}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 16 Mar 2010, 4:48 am

Is that an excerpt from Mono's autobiography, Stories from the Life of a Swedish Noob?

_________________
~When there's no one to love, what's the point of living?

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 16 Mar 2010, 5:17 pm

Wee alec's front doorbell rang...

He opened it to find his mother in law
standing at the door with a suitcase
in each hand.

"Can I stay here for a few days?"....
she asked.

"Sure you can"....alec replied...

And shut the door in her face.

-------------------------

Then there was Edward....

Who desperately wanted to have sex
with his girlfriend.

However...he was too embarrassed
because of his extremely small part.

So.. one night he took her to a dark
place where she couldn't see it.

After making out furiously for about
an hour with her....

He dropped his pants and put his part
in her hand.

"Sorry...I don't smoke"...she whispered.

_________________
yours to the bone....

**mraztec3{KAN}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 16 Mar 2010, 6:24 pm

_________________
~When there's no one to love, what's the point of living?

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Sun 21 Mar 2010, 2:10 pm

A three legged dog walks into a saloon
in the old west.

He slides up to the bar and announces...

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 23 Mar 2010, 8:50 am

The chief of staff of the Royal Air Force decided that he would
personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting the R.A.F.

So... he directed that a nearby Royal Air Force base be opened
and that all elgible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new jet Fighter..

a pair of twin brothers...Tam and Sandy who looked a bit worse
for wear walked up to them.

The chief of staff stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first scotsman and asked...

"tell me what skills can you bring to the Air Force?".

Tam looks at him and says...

"I pilot!".

The chief of staff gets all excited...

turns to his aide and says... "Get him in today...

all the paper work done... everything... do it!".

The aide hustles Tam off.

The chief of staff looks at Sandy and asks...

"What skills to you bring to the Royal Air Force?".

Sandy says.. "I chop wood!".

"Son"... the chief of staff replies...

"we don't need wood choppers in the Royal Air Force..

what do you know how to do?".

"I chop wood!".

"Young man.... you are not listening to me...

we don't need wood choppers...

this is the 21st century!".

"Well"...Sandy says...

"you hired my brother!".

"Of course we did... he's a pilot!".

Sandy scratches his head and says...

"But I have to chop it before he can pile it!".

_________________
yours to the bone....

**skinman {kan}** · Subject: Re: scottish humour Tue 23 Mar 2010, 9:15 am

Big Sammy was on trial at the old bailey in london
for murder and if convicted...

would get life Imprisonment.

His brother found out that a Glasgow man was on
the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe.

He told the Scottish juror that he would be paid
£1,000 pounds if he could convince the rest of the
jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with
a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial...

the brother went to the Scottish juror's house and
told him what a great job he had done and paid
him the £1,000.

he replied....

that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury
to change the charge to manslaughter.

They all wanted to let him go.

_________________
yours to the bone....